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It’s well into the night, Ash should be heading to bed by now, but the harsh, cold grip of anxiety has him questioning everything. It’s the dull voice in his head and the cold shiver against his spin. Every echo, every chill makes it feel like he can’t breathe. Every thought makes him want to claw at his head, he wants to cry and beg for them to stop. It forces him to stay and sit in bed, paralyzed by the fear that threatens to swallow him whole. Some nights, it hardly affects him. It’s drowned out by the sound of late night conversations with Goh and Pikachu, or by the steady sound of Alain’s breath. Today, though, it’s been the loudest it’s ever been. Just the day prior, he became the Pokemon World Monarch, only for him to feel like it’s a lie the following morning. Even as he celebrates with friends and family, he can’t help but feel as if his success is truly real. The memories and excitement bubbled into doubt, questioning if he really deserved to stand so high among trainers. Every little voice asked if he deserved it, if he rightfully earned his place, if he belongs on such a high pedestal. It echoes so loudly it drowns out the clock in his hotel room. Every whisper in his mind makes his body feel like it’s submerged in a freezing lake and not even Pikachu, laying on his lap with a worried look, can ground him as his mind becomes an echo chamber. There’s no sound of Goh’s excited retelling of the battle or enthusiastic sketching as he draws out the Pokemon he’s met. There’s no one but him and Pikachu in the hotel room ever since Goh was called by Project Mew for a mission. It’s just them with no reason for Ash to keep all of his feelings held in or even just distract him from them. No, he’s alone for him to bear every thought by himself and his partner. There’s no reason to hide anything because there’s no one to hide it from now.
Pikachu stares up at him with a worried look. He can feel the way his body trembles and see the lost look in his eyes. It’s quivering breath after quivering breath from his throat and paired with glassy eyes that stare at the wall. The nudge against his hand doesn’t distract him, the paw on his chest doesn’t even get his attention. It’s as if he can’t hear or feel, numb to everything around him. He knows why his trainer stares off like that, why he’s so lost in his thoughts, but knowing why doesn’t bring comfort. No, it only makes him that much more worried about him. Pikachu knows Ash’s anxiety is getting the better of him, he’s watched it before. Though, before, there was always Professor Kukui and friends to drag him out of it. Some days, it would only distract him until he laid down for the night, but by then, it would be too quiet. It would echo, but never loud enough to be heard over the sound of Pikachu’s little snores. It could become forgotten with in minutes, but there’s something about these voices in particular that just keeps Ash in a steady trance
“Pikapi… Chu…” the mouse whines, bumping his head against his chest. A small whine rises from his throat, trying to rouse his trainer from his thoughts. It goes unanswered, unfortunately.
He jumps to lay sit at his side as Ash hunches down, putting his head in his head in his hands. A broken sob rises from Ash’s throat and Pikachu jumps onto his shoulder, nuzzling his cheek in an attempt to comfort him. The sob breaks his heart, upset to see his best friend and trainer in such a condition. Is it because he’s alone? Goh is gone and unfortunately won’t meet back up with Ash for another week, possibly two depending on how his mission with Project Mew goes. Ash has struggled with an empty room for a while, even with Pikachu by his side. Maybe it’s the bond they formed so long ago, maybe it’s because he’s used to a full house like in Alola. Either way, while Ash may not always admit it, he clings to Pikachu during the nights Goh goes home to his parents, leaving him alone in Cerise Laboratory.
Pikachu’s ears perk up as he hears Ash slowly start to speak, only to press his forehead to Ash’s and quietly whine at his words. “D-do… Do I-I really deser-...” The words die in his throat, being replaced with a heavy sob. The mouse tries to comfort and reassure him, showing his support and concern for Ash.
He nods eagerly, trying to answer his question. “Pika! Pikachu!” Ash and him won! He beat Leon even after fighting Eternatus, but his answer falls on deaf ears. Why wouldn’t he deserve it? Shaky sobs fall out of his throat, echoing throughout the hotel room and drowning out Pikachu’s attempts to comfort him.
A knock at the door grabs Pikachu’s attention and immediately charges up to the door. Part of him hopes it’s someone like Delia or Professor Kukui, maybe even Dawn if she’s still in Galar. He runs to the door and jumps up to pull down the handle. He doesn’t get a proper grip on it and slides off. He growls slightly before jumping up again and grabbing the handle again. He holds on tight as it slides down, being weighed down and slipping open.
He stares up and sees Alain, staring down at the mouse with confusion. Pikachu lets go of the handle and jumps into his arms, happy to see him. He can’t help but stare in confusion at the empty room. Where was Goh? Wasn’t he staying with Ash during the competition? Thinking about it more, Alain hadn’t seen the teen at all the past two days. He looks at the yellow rodent, surprised to see him instead of Ash. “Pikachu? What-” A sob grabs his attention. His confusion morphs to worry as he closes the door and walks to Ash’s side.
“Ash, what’s wrong?” He asks softly, kneeling down in front of him. He’s seen Ash like this maybe once or twice before, scared and crying. He brings Ash’s head up and brushes his hair out of his face. Ash’s hands fall to his side as he stares at Alain. His eyes are cold and blank, filled with tears as he struggles to make sense of his mind. “It’s okay, Ash. You’re safe,” he whispers. As well as he masks it, he’s worried. Goh wasn’t here with him for whatever reason and thinking further, Gary had suddenly disappeared around the same time as well. Neither had been at the competition during Ash’s match against Leon. Ash… Ash had been alone for at least a night or two, depending on when Goh had left. He refocuses his mind, focusing on helping Ash rather than wondering where the research fellow had gone.
Ash looks up at him and sucks in a shaky breath, “A-Alain?” He stares up at him, his tone confused and unsure.
“Yep, I’m right here,” Alain says, nodding. “Can you try taking a few deep breaths?”
Ash’s body shakes as more tears form in his eyes. Some warmth returns to his eyes and that dull, blank look starts to fade away. Before Alain knows it, Ash grabs onto him. He wraps his arms tightly around his neck, crying into his shoulder with every sob tearing through his throat. Ash tries to speak, but every word is cut off by his cries, overwhelmed with feelings he’s kept bottled up since this morning. Alain just holds him close, rubbing his back softly and lets him cry.
“I-I… Oh A-Arceus…” Ash sobs, holding onto Alain as if he’ll disappear if he lets go. His mind’s done nothing but played cruel tricks on him today and he’s terrified this is another one. “I-I’m sor-ry…”
“It’s okay. There’s a lot going-”
“I-I don’t kn-know if I deserve th-this!” Ash cries, holding on tighter. “Who am I to be the W-World Monarch? A-am I really meant for this?”
“I’ve never met someone who works so hard towards a goal as much as you do,” Alain answers, carding a hand through Ash’s hair. “If any one deserves it, it’s you.”
“Pika! Pikachu Pikapi Chu Pi!” Pikachu adds, crawling onto Alain’s other shoulder and nodding eagerly.
“I-I… I don’t feel like I do…” Ash says, his voice trembling. “I’m not Leon… I failed so many times, I’ve been-”
“You don’t need to be Leon.” Alain pulls Ash’s head up and wipes away his tears. Ash’s eyes are all puffy and irritated, red from all of the crying, but Alain still smiles at him. “What matters is that you get up again. You don’t stop in the face of defeat, you keep going and don’t let people bring you down.”
Ash sniffles as he wipes away some of his tears, “I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t be crying like this over winning…”
“There’s… Been a lot with this all. It’s okay to cry, Ash.” Alain cups his face with a hand and drags his thumb against his cheek.
Ash rests his head against Alain’s hand, taking a deep breath in as Pikachu climbs back onto his lap. He slowly starts to stroke the soft yellow fur, letting it pass through his fingers and focus his mind elsewhere. Pikachu’s right there… Alain’s right beside him… He takes another deep breath and leans to the side a bit. “Sorry,” he mutters, looking to the side. “Did someone come get you?”
“Don’t apologize, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” He sits beside Ash, letting him lean against him. “I came to check on you because I called you and it went straight to voicemail. I was worried.”
“Oh… I must not have heard my phone go off.”
Alain takes Ash’s hand, entwining their fingers, “I know you’ve been out of it since this morning. I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t know if I was overthinking it or not. I wish I did… Is something bothering you?”
“I’ve lost six leagues before Alola, “ Ash starts, sighing softly. “It feels wrong to win the World Coronation Series. I feel like I don’t belong and that I won by sheer chance… I heard some people talking about it online and while around town today. I tried shaking it off, but I just couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Everybody loves him… He’s been a trainer for so long, he’s been the World Monarch for years, and I was the one to beat him, yet some people just don’t…”
“Recognize it? They’re so attached to him they can’t accept anything new?”
“Yeah… Even though I rose above him, I still feel like I’m in his shadow. I defeated him when no one else could and people still don’t think I should’ve won! I don’t feel like I’m good enough to be World Monarch and I just feel… lost. I feel so incredibly lost!” His voice trembles and shakes as he talks. It’s as if he’s about to burst into tears again. He doesn’t even know the people saying he shouldn’t be the World Monarch, yet their voices are so loud and it’s crushing.
“Ash, I mean it when I say you are the sun.” Alain stares at him with passion burning in his eyes. “You are the brightest star in the sky, you light up the world and stand out against everyone else. Leon may shine bright, but he will never shine as bright as you.”
“Thank you, Alain.” His hand is warm against his own, it’s comforting and almost a light in the dark fog of his mind. He squeezes his hand a bit, “I never meant to make you worry, I’m sorry about this.”
“Pi! Pikapi Pikachu!” Pikachu huffs as rubs his head against Ash’s hand. He trills softly as Ash moves to scratch behind his ear, leaning into his touch.
“Ash, you have all of Alola on your side. All of Kanto, I’m sure, too. Galar’s Leon’s home region, he’s their champion and the face of their league. Even if you can’t prove yourself to the entirety of Galar, you’ve proved yourself to your home.” Alain smiles at him in such a gentle, warm way. No matter how much he worries him, Alain still stays by his side. Part of him still feels guilty for worrying him, but Ash manages to push it to the back of his mind. Alain is right here and has supported him the whole time. “You’ve become someone Alola can look up to, someone Alola can be proud of. I’m sure they’d be proud of you even if you didn’t defeat Leon because you still came so far. You pushed through and came out on top, don’t let people who are blinded by the past tell you that you shouldn’t have won. You have done more than enough to deserve this win.”
“I know, everyone’s so proud of me, but can’t help but feel like I’ve let them down… Like I let myself down. Everything just feels… off. It’s surreal to be the strongest trainer, I feel like the moment I fall asleep, I’ll wake up to find out that it’s all a dream.”
Alain’s eyes soften as he hears those words. It’s achingly similar to his own thoughts after his own win during the Lumiose Conference. He takes a deep breath and pulls Ash close, letting him rest his head against his chest again as he combs a hand through Ash’s hair. He can feel the way Ash melts against his body and hear his muted sniffles that he tries to hide. “It’s okay. It’s all real, I promise.”
“I know it’s real. I just… I feel like one of these days, I’m going to wake up and it’ll all be gone. I’m scared I’ll wake up and I’ll be that little six year old all over again, missing my dad and feeling so alone.” Ash feels the hot tears start to stream down his face again as hiccups rise up his throat. “I’m scared that everyone I’ve ever met was fake… I’m scared to wake up and be without you and Pikachu especially. Ever since dad left and I started my journey, I’m scared that it’s all been some dream to cope with the fact I didn’t get to grow up with him like other kids got to grow up with their dads!”
Alain wipes his tears away as Pikachu reaches up and nuzzles him. “We’re both right here and we’d never leave you. Everyone is here for you. Both of your parents are here, Professor Kukui and Burnet even brought Lei to see your battle. Everyone from Alola, Kanto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, everyone came to see your fight, everyone is here to celebrate your victory. You haven’t let any of us down.”
“I-I’m sorry, I know it’s selfish of-”
Alain stops him, holding him a little tighter, “No, you don’t need to be sorry for anything. You aren’t selfish for feeling this way, you never have been.”
Ash’s grip the back of Alain’s shirt tighter, tears caught in his throat as he tries to breath. “I feel so lost… Part of me wants to go home and get away from it all. I don’t know how to face everyone else tomorrow when I feel like this.”
“It’s okay, just breathe. You don’t have to focus on tomorrow, you don’t have to worry about any of it. You just need to focus on right now, on yourself and your feelings.”
Ash sits with Alain like that, half in his lap as he tries to breathe through the tears. Crying against him like this feels freeing. He can cry and let go of all of his pent up emotions without any judgment, without someone making weird faces or making demeaning comments. Alain doesn’t pull away or tell him he needs to stop, he just lets Ash cry and comforts him. Slowly, his cries turn into sniffles and his breaths go from short and shallow to deep and slow. His body feels heavy, but Alain helps keep him upright.
Ash’s hands pull away as he sits back up and looks up at Alain, “Can you please stay the night?” His voice cracks as he speaks, still raw from crying. He fidgets with the hem of his shirt as Pikachu looks at him with a pleading look. “O-of course if you want to and if you even can. I don’t want you getting in trouble for my sake.”
Even if Alain wanted to, he can’t say no to Ash. He especially wouldn’t in moments like now, when he’s so obviously hurting and needs the company of another person. He smiles and places a small kiss on the top of his head, “Of course.”
“Thank you, Alain.” He offers him a weak smile.
“Let me grab my pajamas and clean ones for tomorrow, then I’ll be right, I promise.” Ash nods softly as Alain stands up and walks out of the room. Ash closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to ease his still shaking nerves as he stands up to get changed. Pikachu jumps onto his shoulder as he stands up and walks over to his bag to grab his pajamas. He sets Pikachu back on the bed as he heads to the bathroom to change. It’s not much of a pajama set, just an old t-shirt and gym shorts. It’s something a little more comfortable than his day clothes.
He yawns as he drags himself back to the bed, falling limply onto it. Pikachu sniffs him and pokes his cheek, only for Ash to roll onto his side and pull him into his arms. He lets out a startled squeak at the sudden movement but settles down as Ash curls around him.
“Pika?”
“I wish Goh didn’t leave, I wish Gary didn’t either. I know Project Mew is important to them, but I feel alone. Even with everything as kids, I’ve supported Gary and he still missed this.” His voice is hardly above a whisper. Pikachu whines softly, a sound of sympathy from the yellow mouse. The two knew each other for so long and Ash did what he could to support Gary, they considered each other brothers, yet Gary still had the gall to miss this. Admittedly, when he and Goh first said something to Ash about the mission, Ash happily supported them both. Ash would rather put others above himself, especially something for something important for his friends.
“Pikachu Pika Pi Chu.”
“I don’t want to hold them back, I don’t think I’d forgive myself if I did,” Ash admits. He runs his hands through Pikachu’s delicate, soft fur to try and ease his nerves. It’s familiar, it reminds him that everything is real. His journey, his friendships, the tournament, all of it. As much as his mind worries it’s a dream, it’s not, making his friends’ absences all that much more painful. “Everyone, even Brock with work and school, made it to Galar to watch. I feel selfish wanting Goh and Gary there too, but I can’t help but feel like this was just another match to them. I shouldn’t, I know how much this mission means to them, but it still hurts so much.”
His eyes sting like he’s going to cry again, but he doesn’t have it in him. His body exhausted and the tears from earlier leave his throat feeling dry and raw. Even if he wanted to, he doesn’t think he could, but the stinging in his heart and the echo in his mind are persistent. The loneliness was something he was once used to, but was long forgotten the day he started his journey. It’s a shame it’s come back after such a victory. It’s familiar, yet feels so raw and fresh, like a new cut on an old wound.
His only remedy is to hold onto Pikachu that much closer, a constant friend in his life. Even after journeying together since he was a freshly-turned ten-year-old, Pikachu stayed by his side as his best friend and partner. He offers him as much as a smile as he can, causing Pikachu to chirp softly and snuggle against him. Ash continues to run his hand through Pikachu’s fur, distracting himself with the sound of his partner’s little chirps and trills of delight as he melts against him.
Soon, Ash here’s a knock at the door and gets up to get it. It’s Alain and the door in pajamas and a change of clothes for the morning, just as he promised he’d do. Ash smiles softly as he pulls him into the room. One more person in the room, one less night he has to spend alone.
“How are you feeling? I wasn’t gone too long, was I?” Alain asks.
“I’m starting to feel better.” Pikachu stands up from his spot on the bed, moving to lay right next to Ash as he lays down in bed with Alain. He rests his head on Alain’s shoulder, looking up at him. “Thank you for staying with me.”
“Do you want to talk about it more?”
Ash shakes his head, “In the morning.” He may not say it, but he feels guilty for worrying him so much. He’d rather they both forget about tonight than continue on with the conversation, even if Alain is willing to talk him through it. Right now, he’d rather just lay in the comfort of Alain’s arms and enjoy his company.
“Can I just ask one question?” Alain can’t help but notice the neatly made bed on the other half of the room and the lack of backpack or suitcase aside from Ash’s.
“Sure, is everything okay?”
Alain takes a deep breath and sighs, “Where’s Goh? Or even Gary? I haven’t seen either of them in the past few days.”
Ash tenses up a bit, “O-Oh… They had a mission for Project Mew. They really couldn’t miss it, y’know?” He notices a dark look in Alain’s eyes, even if it’s just a small glimmer. He backtracks, not wanting Alain to have any ill feelings towards his friends. “I-It’s okay, don’t worry! I’m not upset! You know meeting Mew is rare and all!” It’s a little white lie, one Ash says to convince himself it’s okay more than it’s to convince Alain. It’s a little lie to distract himself, to push feelings further down and forget about it all as best he can until it bubbles back up.
Alain sighs and lets out a light chuckle, “I’m surprised neither have met them yet, considering how close you two are.”
“Yeah…”
Alain presses a kiss to Ash’s forehead, “I love you.” He holds Ash tightly, holding him close in his warm embrace. “I always will, no matter what happens going forward. You’re my sun and I will keep anything and anyone from dimming your light. You’ve done so much for others and protect everyone around you, you deserve your win and so much more.”
Ash smiles at his words. His lips against his skin, this gentle and strong embrace, all of it is proof is real. Pikachu’s chittering in agreement reinforces his words, forcing the pain to melt away. He doesn’t have to worry about it being a dream and it’s the company of those who truly matter to him. He grasps Alain’s hand and intertwines their fingers, “Thank you and I love you, too.”