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It was dark and the moon's reflection on the water shaped Emily's face while she was sitting alone on the park's bench. JJ saw her raven hair from behind and went to sit next to her. Both women looking at the calm lake that was in front of them, both full of thoughts and doubts. JJ tried to put her hand above Emily's but she quickly pulled it away. Emily looked in JJ's way and noticed her sad look. "Em, I know I told you to meet me here but now I don't really know what to say."
"There's not much you can say, you know. And I think I can't really complain cause neither of us ever named what we had, so... yeah"
"I'm so sorry, Em."
Emily looked away and fixed her sight on the leaves that were dancing to the wind. "No you're not. You don't choose who you fall in love with." Emily was both referring to herself and JJ when she said that.
It had been a whole month since they first started acting like a couple. They stayed at each other's houses and were with each other all the time. But JJ had found another person that made her feel butterflies again. Emily was sure JJ only paid attention to her because she was lonely. She knew it from the beginning, but she didn't care at the time, she had hopes that maybe she could make JJ feel the same way Emily felt towards her. So when she saw JJ kissing that other man she didn't only feel disappointed in JJ, but herself too. She was mad for allowing herself to love again, to be vulnerable again and for giving JJ her heart when she knew she could easily break it.
"Why did you want to meet here? Of all places? Do you really want to end this in the same place where it all started?"
"Em, this isn't easy for me either." JJ tried to convince herself too many times that she was in love with Emily, she wanted to be. But she wasn't. And it wasn't fair for neither of them. "I'm sorry I can't be who you wanted me to be."
"JJ please, don't do this. I just need to hear you say everything is over and figure out a way to leave it behind."
"I think it is. I don't want it to be because I always have so much fun when I'm with you, and I wasn't lying when I said I loved you."
"Stop, just please, stop. I don't need to hear you saying you love me when we both know we don't love each other in the same way. There is no us and there never was. I just wish you would've been honest since the beginning before I put my everything into whatever it was that we had."
"Em, I just don't wanna lose you, I don't want to lose your friendship and all the support you always give me when something is wrong..."
"That's the problem. You've never wanted me, you've always wanted my attention. I was always there for you and goddamn I hate to admit it but I think I will always be. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for letting this game of ours start when I knew damn right it wasn't gonna last. I thought for a while that maybe if I tried enough, I could get you to love me the way that I love you. But deep down I always knew that wasn't gonna happen. And I didn't care, you know? I didn't care if it was gonna end if it meant having you in my arms like I wished for so long. Now I realize it was a mistake and I should’ve never allowed myself to fall even harder for you."
A tear was rolling down JJ's cheek. She knew Emily was right, and she felt really bad for that. She wished she could just turn back time and be clear about her feelings from the start, but she couldn't do that. She knew after tonight, she was going to lose Emily. She was going to lose her best friend. And she hated herself for that. "I know nothing I say will make this better, but Em, I'm here right now, and if this is our last conversation I don't want it to end like this. I don't wanna leave thinking that you hate me, but you have the right to, and if you wanna yell at me and tell me I'm the worst thing that could've happened to you, I deserve it."
"I could never hate you. I really wanted this to work out, but wanting isn't enough. I made you my whole world and I know it's my fault that I'm feeling like this right now."
"It is not. I know I should've talked to you before all of this happened and I'm sorry for being so selfish and not thinking this could end so badly."
"Well, it did. There's not much we can do now." All Emily wanted to do was kiss JJ for the last time, ask her to stay and hold her, hoping this was all a dream. She wished she could just turn her feelings off. "After this you will go back to him and eventually forget about everything we went through in the last month. I want you to be happy and I wish I could be the one making you feel that, but I'm not. And I tried to, JJ, you don't understand how much I tried to be everything you wanted. But I guess when it's not supposed to happen it will just not, no matter how hard I try." Emily was tired, she was tired of being let down, she was tired of feeling, tired of love always having the same ending for her.
"I'm just sorry this is the way it ended."
"Me too."
They stayed quiet for a long time. Neither of them had much else to say. They both knew the second one of them stood up it would be over. Emily didn't want to take the first step but she knew she needed to. She needed to convince herself she was strong enough to leave JJ, although, not strong enough to not need her. She knew closure was going to be easier if she was the first to leave. She didn't want to see JJ walking away, cause that was going to hurt even more and she needed to prioritize her own feelings for once. The thought of having her so close and not being able to touch her, the thought of JJ sitting beside her was too much, so she finally gathered the strength to stand up. "I guess this is it." She looked at JJ for what was possibly going to be the last time ever and started making her way to her car. JJ watched as she walked away, with tears in her eyes, wishing everything was different. She was left alone sitting in that park bench where they first kissed in that summer afternoon. After long minutes of crying she finally walked away too, knowing neither of them were going to sit in that bench ever again.
Emily came home to an empty apartment, poured a glass of wine that she didn't even drink and put on one of JJ's shirts that she had left in her apartment. She went to sleep smelling the scent of JJ's perfume and knowing she would never wake up next to her again.
cause you weren't mine to lose