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The sight of Magnus’ loft was nothing short of phenomenal. Alec felt hollow. He felt empty. He had absolutely nothing left to give anyone, except maybe Magnus. It had been almost a full day since Valentine’s attack on the Institute and Alec had been awake for far too long.
Alec squeezed his eyes shut as the events of the last day played in his mind. He had spent hours looking for Magnus, knees nearly buckling from relief when he finally found him. Their reunion had been tortuously short lived, however, since Alec, as the temporary Head of the New York Institute, had an entire Shadow World that needed him. There had been way too much for him to do; body identification, rites and rituals, headcounts, transfers to the Guard. Those first several hours as Downworld leaders carried body after body out of the Institute had been some of the hardest Alec had ever experienced as a Shadowhunter.
And even outside of his official duties, his siblings had needed him desperately. Izzy was suffering through the initial stages of withdrawal, and Jace was absolutely reeling. He tried shutting Alec out, but that never mattered. There was a feeling of horror and a deep-seated guilt settling deep within Jace’s veins. From his own experience, Alec knew there was nothing he could say that would lessen Jace’s guilt, so he had settled for just being there with him as they both sat at Izzy’s bedside. He had shared one thing with Alec, though. The latest in Valentine’s sick saga of manipulations. Turned out that Valentine wasn’t his father and Clary wasn’t his sister; information neither of them had the energy to process.
It had taken the rest of the day and well into the next night for Alec to finally feel like he could leave. He probably would have still been at Izzy’s bedside, activating and reactivating his stamina rune, had she and Jace not practically forced him out the door.
Needless to say, Alec was exhausted.
“How’s that sound, darling?” Alec heard Magnus ask.
He blinked a few times, trying to remember the last few seconds to see what Magnus had suggested. His boyfriend just looked at him with a furrowed brow before he pursed his lips.
“Alexander?”
“Hmm?” He answered lazily.
“You didn’t hear that, did you?” Magnus asked genuinely. He wasn’t mad, Alec knew, merely curious.
Alec rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, anyway. He always felt terrible whenever he zoned out and missed Magnus speaking to him. Exhaustion always made it worse.
Magnus came over to place a gentle, guiding hand on his chest. “That’s okay. We’re both tired. Let’s get to bed.”
Alec could swear he had never heard anything more beautiful in that moment. He nodded quickly.
Magnus helped guide Alec towards their bedroom. When Alec started to consider it their bedroom, he had no idea. He was grateful for Magnus’ arm around his shoulders as he seemed to have lead weights attached to each foot, making it exceptionally hard to remain upright. He plopped down on the bed with an undignified thud, earning an annoyed look from Chairman Meow, who woke up briefly.
Magnus took exceptional care and gentleness in removing all of Alec’s clothes that he could with Alec in a sitting position. Snapping to remove the rest in an instant, he replaced everything with a pair of his’ own sweatpants and hoodie, with some fuzzy socks. Alec smiled warmly up at his boyfriend, pulling him closer until he could wrap his arms around his waist. Very few other things in the world made him as happy as wearing Magnus’ clothes, second only to Magnus himself.
“Better?”
“Mmm,” was all Alec could mutter.
“I know how much you want to sleep right now, but can I get some food in you, please? I’m certain you hardly ate anything today. How’s tea and some chicken soup? I’ll add those crackers you like,” Magnus said, his voice so soft and warm it curled around Alec like a protective shield.
Alec wanted to protest, the call of his pillow too much to ignore, but his traitorous stomach growled. Magnus was right, of course. Alec couldn’t even remember the last time he ate a full meal. He had gotten eerily close to drawing a nourishment rune at some point, but Jace had quite literally thrown a couple of granola bars at him before it got to that, undoubtedly feeling Alec’s hunger pangs.
Alec sighed and let go of Magnus reluctantly. “Can you make the Chamomile?”
Physically, he felt like he could sleep for days, but mentally, he still felt on edge. Chamomile tea usually relaxed his mind enough to let him fall asleep—in ordinary circumstances, anyway.
Magnus grabbed the sides of his face and placed a sweet kiss on the end of his nose. “Of course, my angel. I’ll be but a moment.”
Alec watched Magnus as he left the room, and something immediately shifted inside him. He was cold, ice cold suddenly. He felt Magnus’ absence viscerally. The snake of dread that had slithered its way into Alec’s heart last night uncoiled from where it must have been resting; biding its time until Alec’s defenses were down. The loft melted away, and it was as if he was still in the Institute searching desperately for Magnus. Sending a prayer to the Angels that he would not find Magnus, but cursing them every time he didn’t. The fear of not knowing whether Magnus was even alive had barely subsided in the time since their reunion, and only truly eased when Alec was in Magnus’ arms. Without him now, even though he was simply in the kitchen making tea, had Alec gasping for breath. His heart was in his throat.
He clenched his fists hard, hard enough that he felt his fingernails dig into his palms. He tried to focus on the pain of it, tried to focus on the whistling of the teakettle, tried to focus on Chairman Meow’s soft breathing, anything to ground him to where he was. But all he could feel was the absence of Magnus; that cold, dark abyss in his deepest fears. The one where something, be it breakup or death, separated him from the person he loved more than anything.
It felt like he was drowning, head slipping under the surface as water flooded his lungs. He opened his mouth and tried to call for Magnus, but all that came out was a broken, cut off sob. He unclenched his hands to grasp at his hair, curling in on himself and squeezing his eyes shut.
“Alexander?” Magnus suddenly said, concern laced in his tone. “What is it, darling? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
It was too many questions at once. It was all too much. Everything was too much. All Alec could do was shake his head vigorously.
“Alright,” Magnus began, pausing as if to think. “Can I touch you?”
Alec’s usual answer would have been no, but every second he wasn’t touching Magnus made it harder and harder to breathe, so he nodded. He let out a shaky breath when he felt Magnus’ hands on the bottom of each elbow, gentle, but still firm and grounding.
“Can you take your hands out of your hair for me, love?” Magnus asked, not moving even an inch without Alec’s permission.
Alec shook his head again. Despite Magnus’ touch, his heart still beat furiously in his chest. He was trying to use the pain in his scalp to ignore the blood roaring in his ears. It was helping enough that Alec couldn’t let go, not even for Magnus.
“Alec, please. There’s blood dripping from your hands. Please. Let me see them,” Magnus begged, his voice breaking.
He still didn’t want to let go. He wanted to pull harder, actually; punishment for making his boyfriend sound like this. But Magnus had called him Alec, sounding damn near inconsolable. There was only once choice he could make now. He released the death grip on his hair, feeling the ache and blood in his palms.
With the most tender touch that Alec had ever felt, Magnus picked up both of his hands. Alec heard him gasp before the familiar, refreshing tingle of his magic tickled his palms. Alec slowly opened his eyes and found that there was not a trace of hurt left on his skin. A few of his older scars might have vanished, too. Magnus maneuvered his head to catch Alec’s eyes and the rest of Alec’s fragile composure shattered like glass.
“Oh, my love. Come here,” Magnus said, getting up from his kneeling position to sit beside him on the bed.
Magnus opened his arms and Alec needed no further prompting before he crashed into his boyfriend with the same force as earlier. Alec clung to his shirt like a lifeline, burying his face so far into Magnus’ shoulder he had to readjust after a few moments to breathe. In the security of Magnus’ embrace, Alec allowed his tears to freely flow. Magnus hugged him back firmly, stroking Alec’ shoulder with his thumb.
“Shhh,” Magnus whispered soothingly, “it’s okay. Everything is alright.”
This only made Alec cling harder. How could Magnus say that everything was fine when Alec’s world had nearly stopped turning? They might be okay now, but Alec had spent too many hours not knowing if Magnus was alive. More tears streamed down his cheeks as he took hitched breaths.
“What is it, my love? What is going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Magnus said, stroking the back of Alec’s head as if to emphasize his point.
“I-I thought I—” a sharp inhale cut him off. “Lost you.”
Magnus was silent and still for a few minutes as Alec worked through his sobs. He knew Magnus was giving him the space to calm down, so he took it readily. When Alec was mostly quiet, Magnus shrugged his shoulder gently to nudge Alec away from it. It wasn’t a rude action, but one that forced Alec to look at him, which was the point. But he squeezed his eyes shut, anyway, unable to handle the tender way Magnus was looking at him right now.
“Oh, Alexander. My brave, beautiful Nephilim. You are talking about last night, correct?” Magnus said gently.
Alec was grateful Magnus didn’t elaborate in his question; he wasn’t sure he could stomach hearing it out loud right now. He nodded weakly in response, opening his eyes to gauge his reaction carefully.
“We haven’t really had the chance to talk about what you experienced last night. I should have brought it up before I left you alone. I’m sorry for that,” Magnus said, hand coming up to rest on Alec’s elbow again.
Alec gave a noncommittal shrug, hopefully to indicate that he wasn’t upset with Magnus for leaving him. He should’ve been able to handle Magnus leaving the room for ten minutes without spiraling, anyway. A wave of shame hit him as he winced.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Alec,” Magnus said suddenly, so clearly interpreting Alec’s thoughts. “In fact, I am glad you feel safe enough to break down here. I know how hard that can be for you. That makes me happy.”
Alec gave him a genuine smile, albeit small. “I do feel safe here,” he affirmed. Alec felt his heart flutter at Magnus’ answering grin.
“Would you like to tell me what happened last night? Or when I left just now? You don’t have to. I will listen regardless,” Magnus prompted.
Alec chewed on that for a moment. He was afraid that recounting the experience to Magnus would send him back there again, but Magnus suddenly grabbed Alec’s hand in both of his and Alec knew he could do this.
“I heard it before I saw it. I felt it before I saw it. Dozens of Downworlders all crying out in pain as a piercing sound ripped through the halls, angelic light temporarily blinding me. Then I saw it…” Alec bit his lip as the memory of what the Ops center had looked like flashed in his mind. Magnus squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I came down on Clary immediately, feeling betrayed by her almost. I feel bad about that now, but what else was I supposed to think? Then Jace told me it was him, and I didn’t even have time to process that before my thoughts turned to you. Neither of them could tell me where you were, if you had been in the Institute. A sick dread settled like a hard pit in my stomach. All I could do was just run out of there and start looking for you.”
Alec’s breaths were coming out fairly quickly by the time he finished speaking and he used the fingers on his free hand to press into his eyes to stop more tears from coming.
“Were you looking all night?” Magnus asked in a small voice.
“I don’t know. Time didn’t feel right. All I know is that it was dark when the sword was activated and light when I found you. Every single minute without knowing where you were, if you were even alive , was the worst fear I have ever felt.”
He had said it to Magnus earlier, and he repeated it now because it was important that Magnus knew. Magnus, his self-critical, self-flagellating Warlock, needed to understand that despite being a Shadowhunter trained to fight demons since he was born, Alec had never once felt fear like that. He needed to understand how important he was to Alec.
Magnus gave him a small smile that suggested he understood the depth of what Alec was trying to convey. Whether he actually believed it, Alec couldn’t tell.
"I portaled into the Institute with Clary to look for you. I found Madzie first and knew I had to get her somewhere safe. The choice to leave that Institute knowing that you could have been hurt somewhere was excruciating. It was nearly all I could think about when I was at Catarina's. I left as soon as I could and found you out front. I don't think I have ever been as relieved to see anyone as I was then," Magnus said.
Alec knew that choice, intimately. It was the choice he made every time he was on mission with Izzy and Jace. Protect them or kill the demon. Save them or save the world. It wasn't an easy one and he didn't always make the right one. His heart squeezed at the thought of Magnus as worried and terrified as he had been himself.
"That was the right call. I know you know that, but sometimes a reminder helps me," Alec said, squeezing Magnus' hands. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."
“Thank you, Alexander. It did help." Magnus brushed a few stray curls from Alec's forehead. " Now, do you want to tell me about before? When I left?” Magnus asked after a few moments.
He didn’t. Telling Magnus about the panic he felt all night was one thing. That was understandable, logical, even. Magnus had been missing; of course Alec would have been teetering on the edge of a breakdown. He didn’t need to feel as much shame over that reaction.
(Though he still did.)
Earlier had been different. The threat had been gone. He had been in the place he felt the safest and had only been alone for mere minutes when he had completely crumbled. The shame over it was all-consuming, eating away at his insides. He wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. He wanted to go back to before Magnus knew how little emotional control he actually had.
Alec made the mistake of looking into Magnus’ eyes and saw they were unglamoured, cat-eyes reflecting the soft fairy lights that lined the ceiling. It was Magnus’ way of saying that he would never judge Alec, just as Alec had never judged him for showing his true form.
He sighed before he looked down at their intertwined hands. “I think I pushed everything away. I’ve felt numb all day. You went to the kitchen and something changed suddenly. Like I was in freefall. The loft wasn’t the loft. It was like I never found you and the terror of it crushed my throat. I’m sorry. It’s stupid.”
Alec felt a finger on his chin, lifting up his head to meet cat-eyes again. His vision went blurry with tears as he saw the intensity in Magnus’ expression.
“My angel,” he began soothingly, “there's nothing to apologize for. That was a completely reasonable reaction to what you’ve been through. I should have realized how important proximity is for you right now, and I’m sorry I didn’t. But I am here now. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”
Alec struggled for words. The love he had for the man in front of him was entirely overwhelming. Magnus had reciprocated Alec’s ‘I love you’ earlier, but Magnus saying it first was practically mind numbing. He loved Magnus. He loved Magnus with an intensity, drive, and passion that quite frankly scared him a little bit, but it was the most fundamental truth he knew. A part of his soul may rest with Jace, but Alec’s entire self, everything that he ever was or ever will be, belonged entirely to Magnus. He knew that now. He had known it all along.
“Alexander?” Magnus asked, bringing Alec back down to earth. “What is it? What is hurting you?”
Alec realized he had begun crying at some point when Magnus wiped stray tears from his cheek. Magnus’ concern, his unwavering willingness to help, only made Alec cry more. Every time he thought that there was no way he could love Magnus more, he always proved him wrong.
He took a couple of deep breaths as he attempted to compose himself. A simple ‘I love you, too’ didn’t cut it for Alec. He wanted to explain why he had never loved anyone like he loved Magnus before and why he never would again.
“I’m sure you have known many Shadowhunters over your life, but have you ever heard the story about our hearts?” Alec asked once he felt confident he could speak again.
Magnus furrowed his eyebrows and looked deep in thought for a moment. “Perhaps. Four hundred years of memories are a lot to sort through. Can you tell me?”
Alec smiled. It was a little embarrassing, but he had a particular interest in Nephilim history and culture. He felt especially giddy telling Magnus this story.
“It’s commonly believed that our hearts are like those of the Angels. We feel everything deeply. Take everything to heart. Because of that, we only love once. There are Nephilim who have found second loves before, but it’s very rare. It’s said that it is a trait that the Angel Raziel inadvertently passed onto the first Shadowhunter that then persisted through all of us. We are all half angel in heart and in blood.”
Alec saw a small light of hope in Magnus’ eyes before he replaced it with a guarded look as he put his glamour back up. Something inside Alec twisted at this reaction and it ached. Did Magnus not know where Alec was going with this?
“I’ve seen something like this in the Shadowhunters I’ve known, but I’ve never heard the details. Thank you for sharing this part of your culture with me, Alexander. I can tell it means a lot to you,” Magnus said. There was a hint of sadness in his tone that made Alec’s ache worse.
“That’s the thing, Magnus. I never thought that I would ever experience that. I’ve always known I couldn’t have what I wanted. Until you,” he paused to work through the rising emotion in his voice. “I meant what I said earlier. I love you, Magnus. With everything that I am, with everything that I will ever be. My heart is and will always be yours.”
Alec didn’t think he had ever rendered his boyfriend, normally the loquacious one, speechless before. There was that same guarded disbelief in his expression. In all of Magnus’ past relationships, did no one love Magnus the way he deserved to be loved? Is that why he looked so shocked? Alec could admit that he had always loved more intensely than other people, even other Shadowhunters, but Magnus seemed shocked that Alec loved him at all. That didn’t sit right with Alec’s spirit—not in the least.
He would rectify that gross injustice if it was the last thing he did.
“I’ve always felt like I love differently than others of my kind. I never thought I would find someone that could love me the way I loved them. But, my dear Alexander, I think I have. Thank you for loving me the way you do,” Magnus said with such simplicity, as if it wasn’t the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to Alec.
Alec couldn’t help it. He closed the small gap between them and kissed him, innocent but still long and drawn out. It was Magnus who ended it, only after he needed to come up for air. He rested his forehead against Alec’s and they both drank in the closeness.
Alec felt his fresh wounds begin to heal, as if someone had activated his iratze. The trauma of this experience would remain, as many often did, but he found the burden lighter. Here, in his safe place with his safe person, Alec knew he could get through this. He believed he could.
“I love you, Magnus.”
Now that they had reached this step, now that Alec could freely say it, he couldn’t stop.
Magnus chuckled, something warm blooming in Alec’s chest at the sound.
“I love you, too, Alexander.”