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Father had been disappointed with Zuzu’s poor bending abilities. She has heard the way father talks to him, seen the way he looks at him.
He wants nothing to do with his own son and all because Zuko sometimes makes missteps when running through his firebending forms.
Azula vows that she will do better.
When she feels that first spark, she will become the best firebender that her nation has seen.
Azula hadn’t realized that she should have already felt that spark.
That, that spark should have been innate.
She thinks that father had always known.
That father had been in denial; one child is inept and the other is unwhole.
His offspring shames him.
Every day she hears her father berating her brother, “useless, incompetent, fool!” Sometimes she hears other things; slaps, cracks, and shattered glass.
And so once again Azula tries to produce even a tiny puff of sparks until her head hurts and her little body aches. Just one little plume of smoke to hold in her palms, to show father. That’s all she needs. Just a little something to show that she is complete.
But the fire never comes.
Not even a little flash of it.
Tears cling to her lashes.
By ten years Azula knows that she is an empty thing. A cold thing. A fire that has never burned.
And she knows that father won’t keep her around.
He barely paid her any mind when firebending was a possibility. And now that Zuko has made some steady strides in his own abilities…
She tells herself that it is better this way. That it is better to have no attention at all than to get the kind that Zuko receives. That harsh, cruel attention. The scrutinizing eyes that never seem to glimmer with pride nor affection.
The truth is, Zuko will never be good enough.
At least Azula knows that there is no point in striving for father’s affections.
Zuko is still enamored with this fantasy that hard work might earn him love.
It still doesn’t make her feel better. Zuko is useful. Zuko is strong. Azula is good with a blade and she has her intellect but father can’t be bothered to talk to her let alone allow her to demonstrate how deeply she has memorized Fire Nation history, how elaborate her battle tactics are.
Mother engages her though.
Mother strokes her hair and murmurs things like, “you’re a very smart girl, Azula.” Even still, the woman seems uncomfortable with how invested Azula gets in strategizing. “The battlefield is no place for a little girl.”
Nonetheless, a little girl who can’t bend.
And so her dreams are dashed.
Dashed by a woman who truly does mean well.
Somehow the sweetness…the caringness of mother’s words make it hurt that much more.
.oOo.
Things change with one cheerful “hello!” Her name is TyLee and she wears and abundance of pink. She can do things that dazzle and enchant Azula; cartwheels, handstands, mid-air flips. And none of them involve bending.
Some of these tricks take on firebending forms, but most of them are of TyLee’s own creation.
TyLee’s best friend is exactly the opposite. While TyLee is bubbly and flouncy, Mai is stoic and unexpressive. She has a dry sense of humor and doesn’t talk all that much. She is an expert with a blade, Azula has never seen her miss a mark.
She can’t bend either.
“What can you do?” TyLee asks one day.
And Azula almost falls apart.
What can she do?
TyLee is an acrobat.
Mai is a knife thrower.
What is Azula?
Her mind can twist and bend in strange ways to rival how TyLee moves and she likes to think that it is as sharp as Mai’s blades. But comparatively, what good will that do her? What good in a place like this? A clever mind can only get her so far in an academy that prides itself on battle prowess.
She isn’t brawn, she is brains.
She isn’t muscle, she is wit.
“Nothing important, I guess.” Azula replies.
“You’re not a bender either?” Mai comments.
Azula shakes her head. “I’m pretty sure that that’s why father sent me here.”
“So you can learn to fight without bending?”
“To learn a new skill or to…” she trails off. To get her killed. The Royal Fire Academy For Girls is known for ‘accidents’. Azula is fairly certain that father has sent her here in hopes that she will have one and not return to him. That way he can be rid of her without having to muddy his reputation. He can get a new daughter, one that actually has fire.
Azula swallows. “I think that he just didn’t want me around any longer.”
“Because you can’t bend?” TyLee asks.
“Because I can’t do anything but read scrolls and win a few games of pai sho.” In fact she hasn’t lost a single game. Not even to the most seasoned players.
“So your skill is up here!” TyLee taps her head.
“Something like that, I guess.” Azula pauses. “But it doesn’t really matter because…”
“This nation is full of burtes.” Mai fills in. “They just don’t get that sometimes you can’t just punch and fireball your way to victory.”
Azula perks up because finally! Finally someone gets it! “I have outsmarted so many of father’s men but because I can’t also kick fire at them, they don’t see it as a victory.”
And she dreads that this is how she will live her whole life.
“Well have you tried pretending to be a firebender?” TyLee suggests.
“That sounds…ridiculous.” Azula frowns. “Nobody would buy it.”
“People here are dumb.” Mai reminds her. “You’re smart. Just throw a little creativity on top of it and I’m sure that you can fool some people.”
“But my father?” Azula frowns.
“He doesn’t sound too bright either.” Mai shrugs.
“Dumb or not, I think that he’d be a bit suspicious if his daughter suddenly started firebending…” Azula trails off as an idea comes to her. She exchanges a look with Mai. “Unless…”
“You begin your fake bending here?” Mai guesses.
Azula nods. “Exactly! Then it’s a skill that I’ve developed here. I can say that I discovered it during a desperate fight for my life!”
“How dramatic.” Mai sighs.
“It’s perfect!” TyLee grins.
Now all she has to do is figure out how to pull it off. Perhaps in the same way that Mai conceals her knives, Azula can conceal powders and matches. It will take some careful planning but Azula
will
make herself into the greatest firebender that the Fire Nation has ever seen!