Chapter Text
Yoongi stares at the wall for a few minutes, dilated cardiomyopathy, he repeats the words in his head a few times, it sounds like a melody, something he can’t get out of his head.
We can always explore other options, the doctor never implied that he was going to give up, but to Yoongi in a way he felt like he had already given up, you should sort your affairs, he had also recommended and that was the final nail for Yoongi to just know how real it was exactly.
He takes in a long breath and exhales slowly, Eunjoo is waiting for him, he needs to put himself together. With shaky hands he puts away the envelope in his bag and walks down the hallway, he feels like he is over his head, something about it doesn’t feel real.
He walks until he hears a familiar giggle, he stops a few steps from Eunjoo and the little girl looks up from her coloring book and smiles at him, one of her front teeth missing, god he loves her so much.
“I packed up apple slices!” She has a small lisp, probably something she learned from Yoongi but for a five-year-old, her diction is pretty good.
Yoongi smiles at her, it’s probably a bit shaky but the kid’s attention has gone back to her coloring book.
Yoongi stares at her for a few more seconds, the life expectancy has gone up in recent years with the right treatments, he didn’t even say if years or months.
“Hey, let’s go back home? There’s still some kimchi left from when grandma visited last week.” Eunjoo looks up again and nods enthusiastically.
“Kimchi, kimchi, kimchi.” She repeats as she puts away her stuff on her Masha backpack.
Yoongi patiently waits, because he feels like everything is spiraling out of control, just when he thought he had recovered his balance now he feels like he is falling again.
“Dad, kimchi, kimchi, kimchi.” Eunjoo grabs one of his fingers and smiles at him again.
“Let’s go home kiddo.”
*
He stares at the few polaroids, he is glad he kept them after so many years of moving around. A glass of whiskey by his side, just because he got bad news doesn’t mean he is going to change all of his habits from one day to another, maybe he will start with drinking less.
The faces that stare at him are familiar, in his memories, they are still teenagers and living life, but when he sees those faces on T.V., they feel foreign, because he hasn’t seen them in years.
He takes a sip of his drink, even after all those years those memories still feel like home, the faces he sees are still like family to him.
He drinks the rest of his drink and puts the photos away, he needs to listen to the doctor and put his affairs in order.
*
“Are you able to read that fast?” Yoongi squints at the subtitles, maybe his sight has worsened with the years but there’s no way that his five-year-old can read that fast.
Eunjoo nods without looking away from the T.V., eyes moving hurriedly while following what happens on the screen and reading the subtitles.
“My Korean is rusty then.” Yoongi stretches and closes his eyes, he’s been more tired lately, he knows it’s normal but still, he would like to have a bit more energy to play with Eunjoo.
“You never speak Korean unless grandma and grandpa come home.” Yoongi cracks one eye open, Eunjoo is still looking at the television, too immersed in the movie.
“He leaves her at the end.” That takes Eunjoo’s attention away from the T.V. and she frowns at her father.
“Liar, you said you don’t watch his movies.” Yoongi bites his tongue and looks back at T.V., Kim Taehyung is writing a letter to his love interest.
Truth be told it’s an old movie, it came out six years ago and Yoongi knows it by heart, it’s some cosmic karma that his daughter turned out to be a huge fan of Kim Taehyung.
Eunjoo's attention is back on the T.V. When he finally comes up with a good answer, she looks so much like him it’s scary how little she resembles her mother, it makes him feel like her memory is fading.
He wonders if people will look at her and remember her father if people will see the resemblance and remember how Yoongi used to look.
He looks back at the T.V, Taehyung is packing his bags, letter safely tucked on his coat. It’s a movie but the scene is familiar to him, he smiles sadly, he doesn’t know how much time he has left.
“Hey.” Eunjoo turns to look at him, her eyes are round and big just like her mother, he wants to spend all his time with her “I think it’s time for you to meet someone.”
*
“Are we moving?” Eunjoo speaks confusedly as she looks around, all of the things at home are in boxes or covered by sheets.
“No, but we will be away for a while.” He finishes packing her backpack and closes it “This is your house Eunjoo.” He hands her the backpack “You can come back whenever you want, okay?” The little girl nods confused and takes her backpack.
“Where are we going?” She adjusts her backpack and looks up at her father.
He looks down at her and also closes his backpack “You’ll see.”
*
Yoongi doesn’t regret a lot of things, every decision he has made he has made them fully aware of the consequences and he has learned to live with them.
But getting the news that he might die one of these days, has made him look over his decisions again.
Eunjoo is sleeping on the seat next to him, she has already kicked the blanket he has fixed 3 times, so he just allows it for now. He looks back to his laptop, an old drama is playing, one he is too familiar with.
He shakes his head when he sees his face come out on the frame, he wasn’t an actor by any means but it was Taehyung’s first drama and he wanted to support him, so he went all the way to the filming location, brought coffee and when an actor fell sick he covered for them.
“Sunbaenim!” He repeats in low voice at the same time his past self calls to Taehyung’s character, it was only one line but the smile Taehyung gave him that day made him feel like he had filmed an entire movie.
He sighs and looks at Eunjoo. It's ironic that now that he is dying he is going back to the place he ran away from, he packed his bags and left behind the people he loved, but he also loved the job he was offered. It was selfish, but he spent most of his life building everything in order to achieve his dreams.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, the drama is still playing. Taehyung's voice is familiar to his ears, he takes another deep breath, he hopes he gets enough time.
*
“It’s pretty right?” Eunjoo is happily looking at the river, her eyes wide with wonder and curiosity. He is exhausted after the long flight but Eunjoo is so energetic he can’t help but smile, he is glad she likes Korea.
“Are we gonna visit?” He knows she refers to his parents, he would love to see them also but he also needs to figure out how to tell them that he is dying.
“Later.” Is all he says and looks to his side, the city has changed a lot since he has been here a few years ago. New buildings are standing tall and imposing, they look fancy and something in Yoongi yearns for home.
He looks back at Eunjoo, she is still looking through the window, he needs to find a way to explain to her what is going on.
*
“Dad?” He stops eating and looks at Eunjoo, she is sitting on the kitchen stool and is rolling around a piece of carrot in her plate.
“Are you full?” He puts down his chopsticks and is about to reach for her plate when she shakes her head.
“Is this our new home?” He freezes and opens his mouth to answer, but he doesn’t have an answer that doesn’t involve telling the truth. He looks down at his plate, he is no longer hungry.
“Let’s put this away and then I’ll explain, okay?” Eunjoo nods and also puts down her chopsticks.
He tries to be as quick as possible, as young as his daughter is she is very perceptive and she will notice if he tries to stall.
By the time he is done, Eunjoo is quietly sitting on the sofa and hugging her bunny his mother gifted to her saying that it was a brand that was based on korea. Both yearned for home.
Yoongi sits in front of her on the floor. “This place is home, I was really happy in here.” he takes a deep breath “Do you remember your mom?”
Eunjoo shakes her head and tilts her head, a way of asking him if he is trying to explain the same thing he had to do when she came back crying from school because a drawing of only her and her dad wasn’t normal to people around her.
He sighs and nods “Ever since you were born I never wanted to leave your side, I’m sorry.” He tries to take another deep breath, he can’t break down.
“Dad?”
“Do you remember the concept of death?” He bites his lip “When someone is no longer with you because terrible things happen?” She nods and Yoongi feels like the worst person on earth. “Dad’s heart is a little weak, and he doesn’t know how much time he has to spend with you.”
He gently puts his hand on top of Eunjoo’s smaller ones, he can see her trying to process his words. Trying to process the fact that she’ll no longer see her dad, that her father won’t see her grow up.
He sees her lips trembling, and carries her to sit her on his lap. He wants time to stop and just hold his daughter like that forever.
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.” He repeats over and over, he wants those three words to always be remembered by her. He wants her to remember how loved she really is.
He doesn’t know how much time he spends there, just repeating those words until his voice gets hoarse and his shirt is wet with tears.
“Why?” Eunjoo speaks, voice weak and sad.
Yoongi takes a deep breath and says the truth “I don’t know.” He gently kisses the top of her head and cradles her closer to him “Bad things sometimes happen, life can do terrible things sometimes.”
*
Yoongi looks at Eunjoo playing in the playground, it’s early so not a lot of people are out. There’s only two other kids playing there and their mothers are busy talking between them on the other side of the playground.
He looks down at his wristwatch, he still has a couple of hours before he has to go to work. He still hasn’t found a way to break the situation to his parents so Eunjoo will just have to join him at work.
Eunjoo is smiling with the other kids, but Yoongi knows she held his hand a little tighter on the way down, that she kept glancing at him during breakfast. She’s scared of Yoongi leaving and his heart breaks for her.
He looks around. This is a new neighborhood in an area close to the river. It's beautiful but Yoongi misses his old crappy apartment, it was close to Sungkyunkwan university and too far from his old job. But it was cheap and everything around it was also cheap.
“Appa!” He looks at Eunjoo that runs towards him and hugs him or at least tries with her puffy jacket.
“Are you tired?” She nods and buries her head in his stomach, or as far as the puffy jacket allows her “Let’s take a nap and then we’ll have to go, okay?” She nods again and Yoongi smiles softly as he pats her hair.
He makes no move to stand up, sitting there in the weak winter sun and his daughter hugging him, it’s what a lot of people would label as a core memory.
*
“And you are done.” He speaks into the mic and takes off his headphones, the young idol comes out and bows to him.
“We’ll continue tomorrow at midday, okay?” The manager of the group nods and Yoongi looks at the sofa, Eunjoo is quietly playing with her toys in there. It’s time for her to have dinner.
“Thank you PD-nim!” The idol group bows again and exits the studio along with their manager.
“Ready to have dinner?” Eunjoo looks up and nods with enthusiasm, it’s weird for him to have her at the studio but at the same time he appreciates her understanding and the fact that she remains there while he works.
“I’ll save this while you put your things away, okay?” She nods again and reaches for her backpack.
Yoongi turns around and saves the progress of the day. It's weird not being in his old studio with his own equipment but still any studio is good for him as long as he is producing.
The company has changed a lot, mainly on the fact that he is not familiar with this new building and the company is thrice bigger than when he started to work there. Eunjoo holds his hand tightly and her other hand holds the strap of the backpack that hangs on her back.
He hasn’t kept up with Korean entertainment that much, so he is surprised when he sees three familiar faces near the elevator. In other times he probably would’ve gone back to the studio or would’ve pretended not to notice them, but there are some things he can’t keep running from and he has missed them.
“Hey, it’s been a while.”
The three look at him surprised because it’s been years since they have heard about him other than the news and social media. It’s been a long time since Yoongi left for Los Angeles and stayed in contact with them.
It’s not that he stopped contacting them right away, it was something gradual. The timezones, the schedules and then Eunjoo came and his days became even shorter, then the accident and suddenly he was forgetting to pick up calls and ignoring messages.
“Yoongi-yah” He can see Seokjin exhale slowly, they used to be best friends but with everything that happened he barely had time to think about it.
Yoongi gives him a small smile, Eunjoo tugs at his hand and he looks down “Can we eat now?”
Yoongi nods, he can’t say he would love to stay and chat with his old friends, the air around them is awkward so he would rather save Eunjoo from that.
“Yeah, let 's go.” They wait next to the elevator, Eunjoo is humming a song under her breath.
“When did you come back?” He looks back, the other two have disappeared but Seokjin is standing there, waiting.
“A few days ago, PD nim wanted to ask for a favor so I came by.” He smiles and Seokjin blinks, he looks like he is trying to assimilate the situation.
“I see…” He remains quiet and Yoongi can’t think of anything else to say, so he sticks to the basics.
“How have you been?” Mentally he is hurrying the elevator.
“Good, great, same old.” Seokjin nods multiple times and stumbles over his words.
“Still acting?” Seokjin nods again and smiles.
“Yeah, I still sing sometimes but acting is just…” he sighs and shrugs and Yoongi understands.
“Appa, can we get noodles?” He looks at Eunjoo and shakes his head.
“We still have some food at home.” She pouts and Yoongi glares, but she is nothing but stubborn and glares back at him.
He is about to just take the stairs and give into the noodles request when he hears a laugh behind him, it’s Seokjin laughing but the memories that come along it hit him hard enough to knock the air out of his chest.
“She’s really a mini you, uh?” He looks at his friend who is laughing so hard he is holding his stomach “Let’s have dinner, it’s on me.”
*
“I read that you had a child but I never imagined how it really was.” He doesn’t look away from his daughter as he continues to cut her noodles into smaller pieces.
“Me being a dad or me being tamed by a child?” He finishes cutting them and signals to Eunjoo to grab her chopsticks.
“Both.” He looks at Seokjin and his friend is smiling fondly at him, food forgotten between them.
“It 's great.” That's all he says and picks up a piece of radish and puts it into Eunjoo’s plate.
“She looks a lot like you.” Yoongi puts down his chopsticks and gives his friend a small smile.
“Appa is pretty.” Eunjoo smiles and starts eating, Yoongi gently pats her head and looks at his friend again.
“What are you working on?” Seokjin tilts his head, even after years he knows when Yoongi is avoiding something.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Yoongi shakes his head and Seokjin sighs “Do you need something?”
Yoongi is about to shake his head again but stops “Actually, can you take care of Eunjoo during the weekend? I need to do something”
*
His mother stares at him, she was surprised when he knocked on her door on a Saturday at 9 am.
“Is appa going to be back soon?” He eats a slice of apple and his mother does too.
“He’ll be back later, he went fishing with a few of his friends.” Yoongi nods and takes a deep breath, he needs to explain why is there all of the sudden when he lives on the other side of the world.
“I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, I was having trouble breathing and decided to get checked.” He hands her the envelope, his mother is not fluent in English but he has had all his medical documents translated to Korean so he could use them at the hospital. “It’s call dilated cardiomyopathy”
He remains quiet until his mother finishes reading everything, he can feel his hands getting clammy. His mother is not crying but when she looks up, Yoongi can see how heartbroken she is. Parents should never bury their kids.
“I figured moving back here was easier.” He starts speaking but can feel that he is going to break, being back home and his mother looking at him like that is too much “Eunjoo can stay with you after…” He doesn’t dare to finish the sentence, he can’t do it.
He breaks down, first is just a small sob but as soon as his mother stands up and hugs him he breaks completely.
He cries and can’t stop crying, his heart feels heavy and he knows that this is a consequence of his own actions but still, he can’t help but be scared of everything and everyone he is leaving behind.
His mother gently pats his head, the same way he does to Eunjoo. His mother holds him while he cries and mumbles nonsense, he also repeats how much he loves her. He likes to think that telling his father will be much easier.
*
“Thanks for taking care of her.” Yoongi is back on Sunday, the train took 4 hours so it’s almost dinner time when he picks up Eunjoo from Seokjin’s apartment.
“Anytime.” His friend hands him her backpack and Yoongi takes it “Are you okay, you seem a little pale… paler.” His friend corrects and Yoongi laughs.
“Yeah, just a long weekend. What about you, I didn’t ruin your weekend plans, right?”
“I was just reading scripts, nothing about weekend plans.” His friend shrugs and Eunjoo finishes putting on her shoes “We should go out for dinner again, they also have missed you.”
Yoongi doesn’t even ask who he is talking about, because he shared his teenage years and his early twenties with them. He wants to see them too, he wants to leave no regrets behind.
“Sure, text me when and I’ll try and find a babysitter.”
*
Seokjin takes his words to heart, because it only takes him two days to text Yoongi details for dinner and the information of the babysitter he found. If this had happened pre sickness he would’ve been so annoyed, it would feel too controlled for him but now he was just grateful that his friend saved him a lot of tedious things.
“You are still great at taking care of parties.” Yoongi smiles as he gets inside Seokjin’s car.
“Everyone was free, it’s not hard.” His friend shrugs and starts the car.
The radio is on, but Yoongi can barely hear it. “Can I ask something?” He looks outside the window and hums as an answer to Seokjin’s question “You are okay, right?”
He can feel the corner of his mouth tug upwards, his friend was always great at picking up the unspoken words “Why?”
“You said you were never coming back.” Yoongi nods, even after Eunjoo’s mother died he never once thought of going back to Korea.
“It feels like I spit into the sky with that one.” He laughs without humor and leans on the window. He doesn’t have an explanation as to why he never thought of going back to Korea, it was simply that in his mind his home was in Los Angeles with Eunjoo, there was his work and friends, even if his family was in Korea his parents loved traveling to see them.
At the end of the day he built his life somewhere else, he grew up somewhere else and never thought of going back to the country he ran away from.
“Would you believe me if I told you that I was homesick?” He hears Seokjin laugh in disbelief, of course he knows how bad his excuse is.
“Alright, I’ll take that for now.”
The rest of the car ride is quiet, he hasn’t thought yet of how he is going to tell his friend about his situation. In reality he didn’t think he would need to do it, because a part of him expected them to be angry at him or disappointed, that they would turn around as soon as they saw him.
But in reality they had just missed him so much that the moment they heard he was back they wanted to meet him. He doesn’t hate himself for that, but he feels a bit guilty that he didn’t thought they would like to see him again.
“I’ll pay for dinner today, so eat and drink as much as you want.” Seokjin smiles before opening the door of the private booth.
“Surprise!” He hears familiar voices scream as soon as the door opens and he smiles at them, but then he sees him, Kim Taehyung stares back at him.
*
He stretches lazily and Taehyung giggles at him “You really are proving the cat allegations right.” Yoongi squints at him but continues stretching.
“What time is it?” He croaks out and Taehyung looks away from his script and picks up his phone “Almost 10, do you still have a lot of work to do?”
He nods and grabs the shirt next to him, it smells like Taehyung’s new lotion he bought on his trip to Busan so it’s probably his.
“The new boy group has some experimental sound I’ve never heard in my life and I need to work harder.” Taehyung hums and helps Yoongi put on his shirt.
“It’s too big for you, I’ll start using fitted shirts.” He frowns but still kisses Yoongi’s nose.
“It looks good.” Yoongi shrugs and sits on the bed, Taehyung goes back to reading the script.
Taehyung’s dorm is far from ideal for meeting, but it’s not like the two of them had a lot of money to move to a bigger place with more privacy.
He looks at Taehyung, bed hair and puffy eyes, proof that he hasn’t been awake for too long but the script in his hands shows how hard he is working already. He is handsome but in a boyish charm kind of way, the words hang on the tip of his tongue.
“You can take the shirt with you.” Taehyung speaks without looking up from his script.
“Taehyung-ah, let’s break up.”
*
“I’m sorry, it slipped.” Seokjin hangs his head low and Yoongi shakes his head and pats him on the back as he pours his friend a glass of soju.
“It’s okay, it would’ve been worse if he found out after dinner.” He rather him appear right now than his friends having to lie to him.
“Hyung! Let me pour you a drink!” Jimin excitedly grabs the bottle but Yoongi shakes his head.
“I’m not drinking tonight, sorry.” He can see Jimin’s smile starting to falter and everyone goes into an awkward silence “Yah, don’t be like that you guys can drink without me.”
“You are an old responsible father.” Seokjin laughs and drinks the soju Yoongi just poured for him.
Everyone joins him and the awkward moment is left behind, soon everyone is asking him what he has been up to and he is happy to tell stories about his time abroad.
He talks and laughs, just like in the old times. He listens to his old friends stories, about their lives, everything he has missed, they talk for a long time until the only topic he has avoided is brought up.
“Why are you back?” It’s not Taehyung’s first time talking during dinner, but it’s the first time he has directly addressed Yoongi.
Yoongi puts down his chopsticks and gives him a small smile “I thought it was time to come home.” He can see that Taehyung doesn’t buy it, but the other simply shrugs and pours another drink for Jimin.
Seokjin pats his back and Yoongi looks at him “He is better now, so don’t worry about him.”
He looks at Taehyung, he is not the same boy he left behind.
*
“Appa, did you meet him?” Eunjoo whispers while looking at his phone with wonder.
“I’m more concerned about how you opened naver and saw my name trending.” Eunjoo smiles at him, the same gummy smile as his, she’s good.
It’s been a couple of days since dinner, but now that his friends have started to post on social media the world became shocked because Yoongi being back with them was something apparently people have been waiting for a long time.
“He had dinner with us.” He sighs and gently pets his daughter’s hair.
“Appa.” He knows that his daughter wants to ask him for something “My birthday is coming soon.”
*
“What are you doing here?” Taehyung frowns when he sees him, but still helps him carry the coffee.
“Uh? Well…” He can feel his cheeks heat up “Actually I came to see you.” He quickly starts giving out coffee to the staff and thanks them for their hard work.
“Me?” He agrees with Taehyung’s tone, he wouldn’t believe it either.
“Fine, my daughter is a big fan and she wanted an autograph as a birthday present, hyung told me where were you filming.” He looks away and it’s disappointed to find that there’s no more coffee left for him to give.
“You can just sign the cardboard if you want, she isn’t picky.” He looks at Taehyung, but the other looks almost dazed.
“You talked to her about me?” He sounds unsure, almost as if he expected Yoongi to erase his existence from his life.
“Yes, she also really enjoys your dramas.” Yoongi shrugs.
Taehyung looks at him weirdly “Why?”
That’s a great question, he always played Taehyung’s works for Eunjoo to grow up with. There was never a reason other than Taehyung being a part of him he held dear to his heart, he wanted to share that part of him with someone else and Eunjoo was just the unlucky victim “Mm? Well, you were a really big part of my life and it only felt right to share it with the other big part of my life.”
He is too sick for him to not tell the truth, what use would it have for him to lie to Taehyung? He didn’t want to leave any regrets.
Taehyung looks at his manager, “Let’s ask for a break.” His manager nods and Taehyung sighs “Let’s talk outside for a moment.”
*
“Why are you like that?” He tries to get his breath back and Taehyung stares at him worryingly.
“I realized something.” Taehyung moves and allows Yoongi to enter the apartment, Jimin is sitting on the sofa watching t.v. and his other roommate is nowhere to be seen.
“It must be really important considering you ran here.” Taehyung tilts his head and Yoongi smiles at him, he’s still out of breath and he can hear his own heartbeat in his ears, but he woke up that morning and realized that he had something very important to tell Taehyung that day.
“I love you.”
“What?!” He hears Jimin yell at him but pays him no mind, he looks at Taehyung and smiles again.
“I love you Taehyung-ah.”
*
“What is on your mind? You might be a fool for your daughter but you are not someone that just runs somewhere without a reason.” Taehyung sits down and takes a sip of his coffee.
Yoongi shrugs and sits down next to him “If you want to ask something just say it.”
“Why are you back?” It’s the same question he asked at the restaurant, Yoongi looks down at his hands and ponders what he should tell him.
“I don’t know.” He admits “I was scared and I could only think of coming back home.” It’s not that he is indifferent about dying as some people might think, but he is scared that if he admits that he cares a lot then he might not be strong enough for Eunjoo, that she’ll see her father crumble and he wants her last memories of her father to be as bright as possible.
He wants his daughter to create warm memories, the type of memories she will look back on when she is older and smile. She doesn’t want her to remember a crying or a sick father. He wants her to be surrounded by people that will love her as much as they loved him, someone who will hold her when he is no longer there.
That’s why he thought of this place like home, because in here there were his happiest memories, the people that loved him and the people he could trust to leave his daughter with.
“It’s okay.” He looks up and Taehyung gives him a sad smile, his hand reaches out and gently wipes the tears falling down his eyes “It’s okay.” He repeats.
“It’s not.” Yoongi croaks and closes his eyes “I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, come with me please.”
*
Both sit in the hallway, the words of the doctor hang heavy between the two of them. He stares absentmindedly at the wall and waits for Taehyung to assimilate the news, he doesn’t mind waiting.
It takes him 15 minutes to say “So…your heart…” Yoongi smiles sadly, he understands Taehyung not knowing what to say.
“It’s a heart condition, Eunjoo doesn’t have it thankfully.” He fiddles with his fingers and Taehyung sighs.
“Let’s get out of here first, hospitals give me the creeps.”
*
“Coffee?” Yoongi shakes his head and Taehyung sits down next to him, they are at Taehyung’s house, it’s certainly different from the place Yoongi remembers.
The atmosphere it’s awkward, but Yoongi has already thought of what he wants to say “I want to ask you for a favor.”
“Is it about your daughter?” What else would it be about? Of everything he was going to leave behind, Eunjoo was the one he regretted the most.
“Her mother died in a car crash a few months after she was born, we both grew up together and my mom.” He looks down at his hands “As much as I hate to even think of it, she is getting older.”
Taehyung crosses his arms, almost as if he is trying to keep the distance between them “What do you want from me?”
Yoongi looks at him, he is sure his eyes are full of sorrow “I just don’t want her to be alone.” He probably sounds like a hopeless man, for the first time he believes he sounds like he is dying “You don’t have to take care of her, my mom will take care of her that’s why I came back, but if you could see her from time to time.” Yoongi smiles sadly “I hold you close to my heart, so it will be great if you could give her some of the love you once gave me.”
“Stop.” Taehyung looks away and sighs “Stop talking like you are dying.”
Yoongi bites the inside of his cheek, because he is dying but reaffirming it to Taehyung who just learned the news, he is afraid that he will push the other over the edge.
He also can’t tell Taehyung how to feel, because he had already gone through his own grieving process. When Eunjoo was asleep he cried for a long time, he stared at old memories and also called all the doctors he could find that could help. He got mad and cursed, he also tried to deny it but in the end accepting it was the only thing he could do.
Now, it was Taehyung’s turn to feel however he wanted to feel, if he wanted denial Yoongi wasn’t going to take it away from him. Even though they broke up they spent many years together, both saw the other grow and shared many memories.
“Do you need me to call someone?” He needs to go home to Eunjoo but seeing Taehyung looking so dazed is worrying him.
“Are you going to tell the others?” Yoongi shrugs because he hasn’t thought about it, the only people he thought about when he heard the news were his daughter, his parents and his older brother.
It might sound cruel but telling his friends never crossed his mind, it has been a long time since he has leaned on them and during this situation, thinking of telling them was not a priority of his.
“I’ll call Namjoon.” He looks away and pulls out his phone.
*
“You look like you have lost weight.” He looks up from his book and stares at Seokjin who is pretending to read a script.
“I probably did.” He agrees and closes his eyes for a moment, he’s been really tired lately.
Seokjin hums and he thinks that maybe he should tell him what is going on, maybe if he also knows then Taehyung can lean on him. The younger one wouldn't need to keep the secret of Yoongi dying. Maybe if he tells him, this time Seokjin wouldn't feel abandoned as he did the time he moved to America.
He opens his eyes and looks at his friend, his fringe is kind of wonky due to the other cutting it himself but the drama production team said it was perfect for the role he was going to play so his stylists could only sob when they looked at it.
He is still pretending to read his script, he hasn’t turned the page in a long time “ Dilated cardiomyopathy” He says and Seokjin slowly closes his script.
“What?” The older one is frowning, probably trying to make sense of what the words mean, trying to figure out the foreign term.
“It means I’m dying.”
Thud.
The echo of the script hitting the floor rings in his ears, Seokjin is looking at him in a daze “W-what?” The words sound strangled and he can see the older’s hands shake.
He puts down the book and gently leans forward to grab his hands, just like he does when he consoles Eunjoo “My heart is in bad shape, so I am dying.” He shouldn’t be allowed to raise a child. He is terrible at explaining situations.
“Y-you…” Kim Seokjin has always been a reliable hyung to Yoongi, always there when the other bites more than he could chew, always ready for Yoongi to throw anything at him. But the vision in front of him is heartbreaking, the same man that once helped keep Yoongi together was breaking down in front of him.
The other has a sick expression on his face, almost as if he is gonna puke at any moment, his hands are cold and shaking, his breathing is heavy and Yoongi doesn’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry.” He puts his head down and Yoongi frowns “I’m sorry.” Seokjin repeats the words and Yoongi is now the one feeling sick, because Seokjin’s tone sounds like he is blaming himself for something.
*
Yoongi looks around, the apartment is still mostly empty so the echo his phone ringing makes is enough to disturb his sleep.
“Yeah?” He answers in english out of habit, now that he moved to the states and most of his clients are American he has developed the habit.
“Did you seriously leave without saying anything?!” The angry korean hits his ears too fast “And what’s that english?”
Yoongi rubs his face and sighs, of course he left without saying goodbye because he knew that after what happened with Taehyung, Seokjin would’ve been the first one to question his motives of him moving to another continent to basically start his career from zero.
“It 's 2 a.m.” He says and he can hear a dry laugh coming from his friend.
“And I just came back from filming a drama abroad and discovered my best friend has left without saying goodbye.” Yoongi can hear that he is clearly angry, but in reality from his point of view he shouldn’t be.
The one who went through a breakup, then realized the place where he was wasn’t enough for him, then packed up his bags and took a plane without a concrete plan was him, not Seokjin.
“What do you want?” He replies harshly and rubs his face again, it’s been a long day and Seokjin nagging is not what he needs.
“Are you serious? How much of an asshole you are?!” Yoongi rolls his eyes “If you want to walk away so badly then never come back!”
Yoongi sighs, he doesn’t have the energy to deal with it “Why don’t you just wish I die already and hang up?”
He hears Seokjin take a deep breath “I hate you so much, if you want to die so bad just do it you bastard. I’m done with you.” He hangs up and Yoongi immediately closes his eyes, even if the words were harsh they don’t stick to him, he falls asleep easily.
*
“Appa!” He watches Eunjoo giggle while waving her hand.
“Don’t let her go!” Yoongi yells at Namjoon who is laughing while holding the child and spinning.
The park is quiet and even if winter is coming closer, it’s a beautiful day for a picnic.
Eunjoo is happily playing with Namjoon while Yoongi lays down on the blanket. He has been so tired lately which he was warned about, but nothing could prepare him for the exhaustion he was feeling. Also not being able to play with Eunjoo because it was hard on him, he wanted to spend time with his daughter but he knew he was deteriorating slowly.
“She’s getting sleepy.” Namjoon carries Eunjoo and both sit down on the blanket.
“Do you want to take a nap?” Eunjoo nods and Yoongi opens his arms, his daughter snuggles against his chest and holds onto his shirt. He gently plays with her hair.
“How was her mother?” Yoongi looks up at Namjoon, the other is looking at Eunjoo, almost as if he is looking for any sign of her mother on her face.
Yoongi gives him a small smile “She was lovely.” He stops playing with Eunjoo’s hair when he can feel she has fallen asleep “She doesn’t look like her, but I can remember her in some of her expressions.”
Namjoon laughs, “You are such a father.” but there’s a fond smile on his face while he looks at the pair “What about Taehyung?” Yoongi shrugs and Namjoon stops smiling and furrows his eyebrows “She was never jealous?”
Yoongi looks away from Namjoon and stares at the sky “She understood that memories can’t be helped, she also understood that at that time I chose to stay with her.”
They remain quiet for a bit, the chatter of the other people around them is the only noise.
“I have a question.” Yoongi smiles and closes his eyes.
“Another one?”
“Why did you break up with Taehyung?” Yoongi can hear the rustling of the grass.
He keeps his eyes closed “I wanted to make a name for myself, be something bigger than what this country could offer me.” He takes a deep breath, he feels exhausted “I’m sure Taehyung also understood that, that’s why he was so angry over me coming back when I used to be so ambitious. I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t think of me unless he saw me on t.v.”
“You didn’t thought of him?” Yoongi bites the inside of his cheek, because even if it sounds terrible he didn't. Unless Eunjoo was looking at something Taehyung related he never dwelled on the other.
“I didn’t.” He admits and slowly opens his eyes, Namjoon is shielding the sun with his frame and Yoongi thanks him in his mind “Even if it seemed like we both have similar goals it was not truth and he knows it, I was determined for something bigger and Taehyung, he never really cared for the final goal as long as a I was by his side.”
He can see Namjoon’s face fall and Yoongi extends his hand to gently pat the younger’s knee.
“I didn’t had the time to play house so I just broke his heart, it was easier than to stay here and resent him for the rest of my life.” Maybe since he is being honest now it’s time to tell the other truth “I am dying.” He blurts and Namjoon looks at him as if he is crazy.
“What?” Yoongi sighs and gives him a sad smile.
So he starts reciting the diagnosis from the doctor, he has memorized the words that don’t make sense, at the beginning the concepts he was explaining were foreign to him. But now they just felt like he was reading from a book, like telling a story that didn’t concern him, he felt detached.
“You are acting like you are not letting yourself die.” Namjoon is crying, but Yoongi is glad that he is not trying to hide his emotions, he has accepted the reality.
“You can’t stare at the sun all day, it’s kind of the same thing.” He shrugs “You can’t always be thinking about death, I have things to do and a life to live.”
*
It doesn’t get easier, telling his other friends brings nothing but disaster; there’s people crying, getting angry, trying to get him to get another opinion, offering to pay for expensive treatments. It’s a mix of emotions and Yoongi can just sit there and watch them go through their own process, he feels almost alienated by it.
“How do you feel today?” It’s Namjoon the one that sits next to him on the sofa and gives him a small smile.
“Exhausted.” He sighs and leans against his friend, he hasn’t been that hungry lately and he has been looking paler. It made him feel like he was a ghost.
Namjoon tightens his arm around the older’s shoulder “Do you want to do something?”
Yoongi smiles, there it is, the moment of the famous bucket list, things to do before he dies, sorting his affairs. Does he even have a bucket list? Certainly he has accomplished everything he wanted, his only wish could be considered going back home and he had already done it. He had introduced his daughter to the wonderful people that formed part of his youth, he had shown her his good memories.
He looks at his friends, they are consoling each other, trying to get to stop crying. They are trying to patch themselves enough to get through the next months, still he is sure that coming back was the best choice.
“Let’s go somewhere” He snuggles into Namjoon, he has been feeling colder lately and Namjoon has always been warm.
“Okay.” Namjoon palms his shoulder “Together.” Yoongi pretends not to notice the sad tone to his words.
*
He sighs and closes his eyes, Jin is driving and the rest are quiet while the radio plays in the background. It’s weird, it’s familiar but at the same time it feels awkward, back in the day when they used to go together somewhere the car would be filled with so much noise, now it’s so quiet Yoongi feels himself getting lulled to sleep.
“We are here.” Jin speaks gently as he turns off the car “Are you okay?” Yoongi opens his eyes and nods, he is sleepy but nothing urgent.
“Eunjoo fell asleep, I’ll carry her to the bedroom, okay?” He looks back at Jungkook, the younger one holding his daughter in his lap.
Yoongi nods again, if he were more awake he probably would be angry at himself, at not even being able to carry his daughter anymore. Even if he has come to terms with dying it doesn’t mean that he wasn’t frustrated at his body, he could see how it was slowly giving up, a clear sign that it was only going to get worse.
He slowly gets out of the car and stares at the house in front of him, it was amazing that it was still there even after over 10 years.
When he suggested going somewhere he didn’t expect his friends to come up with a memory he no longer recalled, something he had buried deep in his brain but was warm. A forgotten memory of everyone putting together their first salary and taking a weekend long vacation.
They had spent most of it in renting the house, so their meals had been mostly ramen but the warm memories were there. They spent the weekend laughing and fooling around, getting drunk and looking at the stars.
And now he had the chance of sharing those memories with his daughter, of giving his daughter the same warm feeling those memories evoked in him.
“Let’s go, hyung.” Namjoon puts an arm around his shoulders and Yoongi notices how the younger one makes it so he is the one supporting most of Yoongi’s weight while they walk.
He knows his friends are trying to subtly take care of him, too afraid of making him angry or feel useless. Yoongi appreciates it, now that he is dying having pride is a useless thing.
“You think I can also take a quick nap before dinner?” Namjoon pats his shoulder gently as he helps him get up the stairs.
“I’ll wake you up before we start cooking, okay?”
*
He groggily sits outside, even if it’s cold the night sky is clear and the house is quiet.
Jimin is happily taking care of Eunjoo while the rest of his friends are taking out the ingredients needed for dinner and Namjoon went with Hoseok on a quick run to the store for alcohol.
He usually would love to help with cooking dinner, but he woke up with an uncomfortable feeling on his chest that made it difficult for him to breathe, so he got sent to rest some more instead of helping.
“It 's cold.” He looks back to the opened door and Taehyung puts a blanket around his shoulders “Are you feeling better?” He seems unsure of wherever he is welcomed or not.
Yoongi looks away and nods “The pain has gone down a little.” He pats the chair next to him, a sign that the other can sit.
It’s awkward, he has to admit it, being alone with Taehyung is uncomfortable since both were tip toeing with each other, not sure where they stood with the other.
“How have you been?” Yoongi breaks the silence.
“Good, working.” Taehyung’s tone is strained, almost as if he is stopping himself from saying something “Busy, yeah.”
Yoongi turns to look at him and blinks a couple of times before laughing, because Taehyung looks so stiff and awkward, he looks ready to run at any moment. It’s so ridiculous that many years ago they were cuddling in one of those chairs while looking at the stars and now the other looks so on edge and sick enough to run away.
He laughs until there’s tears in his eyes and his stomach hurts, his chest also hurts a bit but he finds the situation ironic.
“I remember telling you in this spot that I loved you and now you look ready to sprint.” He takes a deep breath and looks at Taehyung who is smiling sadly.
“You really are cruel and selfish.” Taehyung looks away “You are dying and yet you still have the nerve of coming back with a child and asking me to give her the same love as I did with you, now you are even poking fun at me by coming to this place again.” Taehyung laughs, but it sounds hollow.
“You are right, I’m the one who wanted to break up after all.” He puts a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder “Taehyung-ah.” He calls and just like before, Taehyung turns to look back at him.
Eyes barely holding back the tears and a slight pout on his lips, he gently places his other hand on his cheek.
“I want to enjoy my last moments, let’s do something fun, uh?” He leans in and kisses Taehyung. He can taste Taehyung’s salty tears in the kiss or maybe they are his own, he is not sure. He holds onto Taehyung and laments that not even all the money in the world can buy him more time next to this man.
*
“What are you working on?” He lays on the bed and watches Taehyung work on his laptop, dinner is done and Eunjoo is sleeping in Hoseok’s room, everyone was worried about Yoongi not feeling good.
“A script.” The younger keeps typing, Yoongi keeps watching him work quietly.
He probably should ask him what it is about, what kind of story he is picturing. Instead he watches Taehyung continue working, the sound of his fingers hitting the keys lulls him slowly.
The sounds stop for a moment and then he can feel an extra layer being laid down on the bed, he sleepily opens his eyes and sees Taehyung carefully fixing an extra blanket on top of the covers.
Once he is done he leans down and gently kisses Yoongi’s forehead, it’s familiar and if it was some other time he would’ve freaked out about how easily they were slipping back into a routine with each other.
But instead he was glad that even if they were having this weird dancing around each other and neither of them were sure of what they were looking for, because Taehyung made him feel a little less lonely.
“Why are you kissing me?” He asks sleepily and curls himself into a small ball so he can keep himself warm.
Taehyung pats his hair gently, like Yoongi has done many times to Eunjoo to get her to sleep, he has the half mind to laugh at being treated like a child.
“As much as I would love to be resentful or angry at you, there’s not much time left so I'd rather be happy with you.”
Yoongi falls asleep after that, Taehyung’s quiet cries a distant sound.
*
The next day is not easy, he wakes up feeling so tired, no amount of sleep is enough for him to shake off the fatigue in his body. Surprisingly, Taehyung is the one that helps him through the motions; he is there to make sure he doesn’t stumble and the one that helps him get back in bed.
“Are you sure you are not in pain?” Taehyung gently moves the hair that is covering Yoongi’s forehead and like a cat Yoongi leans into the touch.
“Just tired.” He mumbles, it’s certainly a hard day, he hasn't had much of those yet but something tells him that there were many terrible things to come.
Instead of saying something else, Taehyung starts to hum; it’s a lullaby he recalls his mother singing to Eunjoo whenever she went to visit. Maybe it’s nostalgia or just the fact that he is facing death and can’t do anything about it, but he starts crying.
Taehyung’s hand slips from his forehead and covers his eyes, he doesn’t stop singing, almost as if he is telling him that it’s okay to cry and that he can lean on him.
Yoongi holds onto Taehyung’s hand like a lifeline, he doesn’t want to drown but he’s not sure anymore wherever he is swimming or just struggling to stay afloat.
He holds onto Taehyung because that’s all he can do now.
*
“That 's Orion.” Taehyung points to the sky and Yoongi squints.
“That sounds like you are just making it up.” He tilts his head slightly trying to find whatever Taehyung pointed to.
“I’m serious.” Taehyung gently fixes his grip on Yoongi’s waist “Are you not seeing the bow?”
Yoongi really doesn’t see any shape in the sky, just random sparkling dots scattered in it, but Taehyung is explaining so eagerly that he doesn’t have the heart to tell him that.
“Yeah, I think now I see it.” It’s just like when he tries to play with Eunjoo, just give in a little and pretend for their sake.
Taehyung laughs, he probably also figures out Yoongi’s plan but he still goes along with it.
They both remain quiet after that, Yoongi leaning against Taehyung’s chest and Taehyung holding him, the moment almost feels desperate as if sand was running through their fingers.
This time, Yoongi holds Taehyung’s hands tightly.