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Her mind was a swirl of emotions from the moment he died, to the end of that trial, still even weeks later. Despair, sorrow, betrayal, anger, regret, wrath. So many emotions, feelings that kept changing, but there was always a deep sense of sadness and longing. So many things she wanted to say but couldn't. He was gone now, and she was alone, and she would never be able to tell him how she felt.
Some days, she'd be so overcome with grief, that she'd head up to his room. The small dog she had picked up off the street following behind. The first day this happened was actually because of the pooch. Toby had run off, straight to the boss's room. It hadn't been touched since he passed.
"Toby!" Gina had scolded, "We ain't suppos’ ter go in 'ere!"
The boss's room was always off limits. She had been in there before to snoop, of course, though she always got a scolding. This time, though, this time there was no one to scold her as she entered the room. It smelled vaguely of fish and chips- though everything about the boss had.
Toby leaped onto the boss's bed, barking at the girl. For the first time, she hesitated before entering the room. It felt… Wrong. Wrong to enter a dead man's domain. A dead man she… That she had cared about. Yet, with a deep breath, she pushed onwards.
"Come'n Toby," She tried to get the pup to go to her, but he simply stared.
With a huff, she tried to grab him… then promptly fell onto the bed as he darted out of the way. She made another lunge, but he darted away again. By the time Gina had actually managed to grab the mischievous puppy, she was now fully on the bed. Once she had the dog in her hands, she looked down at him glaring slightly.
"Why do yer 'ave ter be so ‘roublesome!?"
Toby looked up at her, and yipped. Licking her face. She… Couldn't stay mad at him. Instead, she took the moment to look around. The boss's room was a bit of a mess, but a surprisingly empty mess. Then she saw the suitcase in the corner and remembered the letter. He wanted to leave. He wanted to leave this place with her. He wanted to leave this place with her, so he could protect her. He wanted to protect her.
Tears formed in her eyes, but she wiped them away and shook her head. She was fine. She…. She was fine. There was no need for crying. No need for tears. No need for grieving. Yet, she found herself hugging Toby tighter. She felt more tears form, and she couldn't push them back. Gina found herself laying on the bed- his bed. It still smelled like him.
And suddenly he was holding her again after a bad day, telling her it was going to be okay, that she was a good kid, that she had a bright future. But it didn't feel bright. Ever since the boss died her whole world had been dull, a heavy weight was on her heart, and her brain felt so clouded- so foggy.
Soon she found herself sobbing, curled up as she clutched Toby tightly. Toby- the dog she had named after him . It was supposed to be a silly joke, naming the mutt she found after the boss, and now she couldn't help but feel a deep sadness every time she remembered the origin of her dog's name. One of the only adults to give her a chance. To have hope for her. To believe in her. And now he’s gone. And she was alone.
But when there was sadness, there was also anger and rage. The feeling of betrayal. He had lied to her, and he had kept things from her- important life changing things. Things that changed how she perceived him and his actions permanently. Things that she would never forget now that she knew them.
On those days, she couldn't stay in the house. Not unless she wanted to break something- which usually ended up happening. She'd fall back into her old diving habits- they were familiar- she could trust them- and then she'd find a nice spot to sleep in. Someplace far away from the boss's home. It was always cold, but she didn't care. She at least had Toby with her to keep her safe, and to keep her company.
Sometimes, Iris or Shomles would find her. They'd insist that she'd stay with them, and eventually she'd give into Iris's puppy dog eyes. Those days… They were nicer. Those days she'd get a nice warm meal, and some freshly brewed tea. Those days she'd have people. People she could talk to- not about the boss, of course. They didn't need to hear about her issues, especially not Iris. But they'd talk about other things. Her job, Sholmes's investigations, Iris's tea or inventions. It was nice, and Gina refused to admit she liked it. She refused to admit she relished in the company of another human.
When it grew late, and she grew tired, Sholmes would let her sleep on the couch, and Iris would insist that she sleep out with her.
"It will be a sleepover!" Iris would exclaim with her usual excitement.
Who could say no to her? Certainly not Gina or Sholmes. So, it would be a sleepover. Gina on the couch, Toby curled up next to her, and Iris on the chair. After tucking Iris in, Sholmes would do the same to Gina. She'd pretend she hated, turn her head and huff, but the way he gently brought the blanket over her always made her wish she could stay forever. They'd probably let her if she asked, but she would not ask.
No matter what, no matter where she ended up staying, at some point she would fall asleep.
And at some point, it became normal that she'd sleep in the boss's room whenever the lack of his presence became too much.
And at some point, it became normal that she'd head to Sholmes and Iris when the rage and anger was too much.
And at some point, she finally talked with Sholmes about how she felt.
At some point, it stopped being too much.
At some point, she wasn't as overcome with grief.
At some point, the anger subsided.
At some point, all her and the boss's old things were in boxes.
At some point Sholmes had her move up to the attic where 'Oddo and Sooz had stayed.
At some point, waking up to breakfast with Iris and Sholmes became the norm.
At some point, Sholmes became Herlock.
And at some point, she realized, she had a family.
The grief was not gone. It was never going to leave. She would miss the boss, the man who was almost like a father to her, for the rest of her life. But now she had a family, people who would love her. People who could help her. People she could talk to. The pain would never go away, but it had faded.
And she was happy.