Chapter Text
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
“Help! The slide at the school playground just collapsed! One of the kids got stuck!”
When the 118 arrives at the scene of the accident, they immediately spot a gathering of students on the playground. The dust has already begun to settle down around the collapsed structures of the slide, even if it didn’t take longer than 5 minutes for the 118 to arrive at the scene.
As the team hops out of the vehicle, Hen squints her eyes, assessing the situation. Then, a few moments later, she begins instructing the team: “Eddie, Buck, you’re with Chim. Go assess the patient and try to keep her calm the best you can. Make sure to keep them calm. Ravi, I need you to come and help me pick up the tools. The faster we get the thing apart the better.”
“Got it, cap!”
Eddie, Chim and Buck make their way towards the crowd of children. One of the teachers turns her head over her shoulder, relaxing instantly. “Alright, everyone,make way! Let’s give the firefighters some room to work!”
The crowd hesitantly begins to scatter to let the trio through. As Chimney and Eddie begin to assess the positioning of the collapsed pieces of metal, Buck kneels down next to the child trapped underneath. “Hey there, what’s your name?”
The girl winces and looks around frantically before laying her eyes on Buck. “Ellie…”
“Hi, Ellie. I’m Buck. How are you feeling right now?”
The little girl, Ellie, who couldn’t be any older than 11 years old, looks up at Buck with tear-stained-cheeks. “Hurts.”
Buck's smile is calm on the outside even though his heart sinks at the pure, audible panic in the kid’s voice. “That’s okay. Can you tell me where it hurts the most?”
Ellie blinks a few times and winces. “My arm… I can’t move it.”
Buck nods. “That’s alright, we want you to stay as still as possible. My friends here are doing their best to get you out of there as fast as possible. We’re getting you out, alright?”
She nods.
Buck inhales deeply before speaking out: “That slide looks like a big one. I’m sure I would’ve loved having one at my school when I was your age.”
The girl smiles weakly and nods weakly behind Buck. “Honestly, I only got on it because of my friend Mia.”
Buck glances over his shoulder at the direction of the nod and meets the eye of the girl on her tiptoes, eyes widened with worry. She’s barely being held back by one of the teachers by her side. “Really? Why’s that?”
Ellie frowns. “She’s always doing those awesome stunts and I thought I’d have to step up to get on her level.”
Buck smiles. “Well I know everything about that. But you don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be yourself, alright?”
“Well, I know that now,” the kid quips back, which causes Buck to laugh.
“And we’ll make sure you’ll have a chance to remember that from now on.” Buck glances at Chimney beside him. “How’s it going, Chim?”
Chim exhales as Eddie continues to work on the tourniquet on Ellie’s arm that’s trapped underneath the pieces of metal. “Equal breath sounds on both sides, so that’s good. Her pulse seems to be slightly elevated but it could be because of the adrenaline. The bleeding is minor for now, but we won’t know the excess of her injuries for sure until we get her out.”
Buck takes a deep breath and nods, before turning his attention back to Ellie. “Heard that? We know a little bit more now.”
“Buck?” Ellie whispers.
“Yeah?”
“You’re not going anywhere while they get me out?”
“No,” Buck says. “I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Can Mia come here?” Ellie asks, her voice faint. “I know she can’t stay while you guys get me out but I’m usually the one who holds her hand when she gets hurt, so I know she’d…”
Buck glances at Chimney, raising an eyebrow. He frowns, but gives a small nod. “We don’t have much time, but yes. She could calm her down.”
Buck turns his attention back to Ellie. “Hold on, Ellie. Let me go get her for you.”
Buck pushes himself up from the ground and walks to the girl he assumes is Mia. “Hey there. Ellie asked if you’d be okay with–”
“Yes,” Mia says without hesitation, her eyes never leaving Mia’s fragile frame underneath the rubble. “Anything she needs.”
Buck nods, leading Mia to Ellie. As soon as she reaches her, she kneels down beside her and grabs her hand. “Idiot! Why did you have to push me off before you?!”
Mia smiles. “You’d already gotten in trouble with your dad this week because of falling down at the skatepark.”
“Still! You need to take care of yourself first! I’m tougher than I look.”
“Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do?” Ellie squeaks. “Have your back?”
“Not if it means you getting hurt,” Mia says, now bringing her other hand to cover their intertwined fingers. “You’re supposed to take care of yourself as well. I can handle everything else.”
Buck blinks a few times and smiles softly. As he looks up from the girls, he’s immediately met with Eddie’s eyes.
Buck’s smile drops slightly. As he stares at Eddie for a good moment, neither of them say anything. Buck’s not entirely sure why he even decided to look up at Eddie in the first place: it’s not like this call is any different or more challenging from what they’ve had before, even during this very same shift. He doesn’t need anything from Eddie nor wants to ask anything. The two of them have an unspoken rule of being able to look at each other without any words being shared and still understand what the other needed exactly. They were teased about it by their peers constantly, but it also made them working together so much easier.
This isn’t one of those times, though. As Buck stares into Eddie’s deep brown eyes, he has absolutely no idea what Eddie’s trying to tell him: let alone what Eddie was thinking when Buck decided to look up at him in the first place.
Just when Buck’s about to open his mouth to say something, the approaching footsteps break through the haze of his own thoughts. As he glances over his shoulder, he sees Ravi and Hen making their way towards them with the chainsaw in their hands. Buck’s shoulders loosen a little at the sight.
“Alright, Mia, I’m afraid you’re going to have to step back now,” Chimney says.
Mia frowns. “Are you sure I can’t stay?”
“I’m afraid not,” Eddie echoes. “There’s no telling how the rest of the structure reacts as we take it apart. You’d be in more danger here than of help, unfortunately.”
“I’ll hold her hand for you,” Buck assures her. If he had any more trust in his own senses, he could swear he felt Eddie’s gaze glued on him again. “I’m going to stay right by her side. But the quicker we get Ellie out, the sooner you’ll be able to get to her. Okay?”
Mia nods and steps back a few steps. One of the teachers reaches out to her and pulls her closer, to which Mia responds by reaching out towards their arm to hold on tight.
“Okay, everyone ready?” Ravi asks. As Buck settles him down beside Mia to hold her hand that’s not caught under the debris, Hen pushes on the chainsaw with a loud rumble.
Once the team gets Mia free, the bleeding on her trapped arm gets significantly worse, even despite the tourniquet on her arm. As they load her onto the ambulance, Mia runs after them. “Wait! Can I go with her?”
“I’m afraid the ambulance isn’t too big, kid,” Chimney says. “We need some room to work on her to make sure she’ll get to the hospital safe and sound.”
Buck glances at the teacher following in Mia’s footsteps. “Mia, the last thing the paramedics need is a distraction. I’ll drive you to the hospital myself, okay?”
Mia looks over at the now heavily delirious Ellie, who’s about to go under any minute now. “As long as I get to be there when she wakes up.”
Buck smiles sadly as the teacher leads Mia away, mouthing a quiet thank you before turning her back on them permanently.
As the team settles themselves in the truck and close the doors, Buck finds himself in his regular spot across Eddie right by the door. To anyone else their position would look uncomfortable, but Buck always feels a small sense of comfort as their legs slot next to each other at the back of the engine. It doesn’t matter if it makes his legs smush slightly against the door or that the slightest change of position would make his situation a bit more comfortable: Buck’s content with the almost skin-to-skin contact either way.
Ravi, who’s finally become a more permanent part of the A-shift, turns to look at Buck as soon as the truck begins moving. “How come didn’t I know you were that good with kids?”
Buck laughs. “I guess it hadn’t just come up.”
“Well, he’s a man full of surprises, that’s for sure,” Chimney teases. “If someone told me five years ago that Evan Buckley could be a calming figure for kids, I’d have laughed at their faces.”
“Oh come on!” Buck says. “I’ve always been good with kids!”
“You are now, that’s for sure,” Hen says, glancing over at the back of the engine from the captain’s seat in the front. “The babysitting for me, Chim and Eddie certainly hasn’t gone to waste.”
Buck smiles sheepishly, ignoring the weird ache in his chest at the words. “Yeah. I guess it hasn’t.”
“But honestly, Buck. You’re going to be a great father one day,” Hen says. “I mean, if you and Natalia are ever going to get kids, that is.”
Buck shakes his head, smiling softly at the words. “Yeah. We’re not exactly there yet, but… Someday.”
“How are things going between the two of you, by the way?” Ravi asks.
“We’re great,” Buck says. “It’s different, but… In a good way. Honestly, she’s been great.”
“Good. We’re glad,” Chimney says.
“We’re happy for you, Buckaroo,” Hen agrees.
As the conversation continues on to the next topic, Buck allows himself to lean back and drift away. Natalia and him are in fact doing great. After a rocky middle ground, they’ve finally found an even path to walk on. Things are… Good between them. Long gone are the fiery fights or silent treatments he’s had in almost all of his previous relationships. Things are oddly serene and he can’t lie, he kind of likes it.
Once they get back to the firehouse, everyone gets up to the lobby to eat dinner. Eddie settles himself on the couch, Ravi right behind him, and Hen and Chim begin setting up the table. As Buck heats up the stew from earlier, the lobby is filled with easygoing chatter.
At one point, Hen’s phone buzzes. As she pulls it out to check out the message, her eyes widen at first and then she bursts out laughing. “Oh! This is golden. You’ve got to see this!”
While Athena’s face is scrunched up in laughter, Bobby’s expression seems a bit less amused as he looks at the camera over his sunglasses. “She wrote: ‘All is well: Bobby’s favorite hat ended up in tea sea with the seagulls.’”
Buck bursts out laughing. “I wish I could’ve seen that! Look at his face!”
“Wow. I have never seen Bobby wear that many colors,” Chimney says as he glances at Hen’s phone over her shoulder, scrunching his nose.
Ravi chuckles as Hen, who’s now walked over to the couch, shows the picture to him and Eddie. “Me neither! I think my dad has that exact same shirt.”
“Oh, it’s such a dad vacation shirt,” Chimney says, pointing at Eddie with his spoon. “You own one of those as well, Eddie?”
Eddie huffs out a half-laugh, half-groan. “No, I don’t,” he denies.
It’s to no avail, because Chimney turns on his seat to look at Buck. “Buck. Is he lying?”
Buck laughs, a bit awkwardly. “What?”
“Does Eddie have the dad vacation shirt?” Chimney insists.
Buck rubs the back of his neck as he stirs up the stew on the stove, before adjusting the heat to a lower temperature. Truth is, Buck hasn’t really gone through Eddie’s cabinets. Even though he’s spent countless hours at the Diaz household’s couch and kitchen, he’s rarely ever had to go through doing the laundry, either. Eddie’s usually the one dealing with that, while Buck’s more focused on the cooking and cleaning. It’s an arrangement that works for the both of them.
Buck does, however, remember one instance after a weekend-away trip to Texas with Chris.
The minute they arrived at the Diazes, Eddie had taken his entire suitcase to the downstairs bathroom, without uttering a single word. Buck had been wise enough not to ask: if Eddie didn’t want to talk about it, he had the right not to.
About half an hour later Buck had realized he never remembered to ask Eddie about groceries. As he’d walked into the bathroom he had caught a glimpse of Eddie unloading the contents of his suitcase into the laundry basket after a weekend-away trip to Texas with Chris. Buck’s eyes had immediately caught the uncharacteristically bright shade of yellow in his best friend’s hands.
“What is that?”
Eddie had seemed genuinely startled at the sound of Buck’s voice on the bathroom door and had turned around on his heels, his eyes widened like a child’s who had just been caught red-handed from doing something they weren’t supposed to. “Jesus Christ, Buck!”
Buck remembers raising his eyebrows as his eyes dropped on the bright yellow garment Eddie had been desperately trying to hide behind his back. “What is it? Show me!”
“I’d rather not,” Eddie had tried, the expression in his eyes avoidant, but Buck wasn’t having it. He had leaned on the doorframe with a mischievous grin on his face.
“Come on, Eddie! You know I’m going to figure it out eventually.”
Eddie had groaned, leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling for a good minute. “You can never tell a soul about this, got it?”
Buck had furrowed his brow, but eventually he’d nodded.
Eddie inhaled deeply, before pulling the garment out in the open from behind his back. It was a bright yellow V-neck, nothing too special. As Eddie had evened out the fabric, however, Buck had been able to read the text on the front of the shirt: “Why did the physicist break up with the biologist? Because there was no chemistry.” Underneath the text there there had been a picture of the entire periodic table, colored out in all its glory.
Buck had blinked a few times, just taking in the sight in front of him. Then, as the realization dawned upon him, he bursted out into a hysterical fit of laughter.
“Adriana and Chris made me buy it,” Eddie had said between gritted teeth. Even from behind his teary eyes Buck had been able to see that Eddie’s face had gotten redder by the second.
“I can’t believe it,” Buck had replied in between his fits of laughter, leaning on his knees. “You– You got– A– Bad pun in a shirt!”
Eddie had groaned again and brought his hand to his face to rub his eyes. “This shirt will never see the light of day ever again.”
“Oh come on! It’s perfect!” Buck had protested, still laughing hysterically. “It’s the perfect laundry day shirt!”
Eddie’s expression had been both a mixture of amusement, agony and something Buck hadn’t been able to quite wrap his mind around.
Now, about a year later, the shirt still lays somewhere at the bottom of Eddie’s bedroom cabinet. Buck doesn’t think he’s thrown it away, but he’s definitely not worn it once after, either.
Buck lays a quick glance at Eddie across the loft. His arms are crossed to his chest and his eyes are glued to Buck, waiting for his answer as much as everyone else in the team.
“I’m sorry, but there are no skeletons in his closet,” Buck says with only a slightly feigned smile. “Just henleys. At least a dozen of them. The dad jokes aren’t exactly his expertise.”
Chimney sighs, disappointed. “Damn.”
Buck glances at Eddie again, to try and see any signs of relief from not selling him out, only to realize he’s not looking at Buck anymore. Instead, he seems to be oddly fascinated in the phone in his hands.
“We could always ask Bobby to bring him a souvenir,” Ravi suggests.
Chimney points at Ravi, wagging his finger. “What a great idea, Ravi!”
For some reason Buck struggles to get a laugh out. ”When is he coming back, by the way?” he asks, trying to avert the conversation away to another topic. ”Not that I have anything against Captain Wilson, but…”
Hen squints her eyes and looks at Buck over her glasses. ”Don’t push it.”
Both Chim and Ravi whistle. ”Someone seems to be mad he didn’t get the interim captain.”
Buck rolls his eyes, but smiles softly at their teaseful remark. ”I’m quite content in the role I have in the team right now, Chim.”
”Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Buck!”
Buck shakes his head. Eddie continues to be awfully quiet, indulging in his phone every few minutes. Buck tries to calm himself down: it probably means nothing. Eddie just has a lot on his plate, that’s all.
Instead of focusing on Eddie’s sudden silence, Buck decides to put all his efforts into finishing the stew. Once he’s sure the entire thing has warmed up enough, he puts the scoop to the plate beside the stove. “There, it should now be good to–”
Before he gets the chance to finish his sentence, the alarm goes off.
Ravi groans.
10 eventful hours later, their shift finally comes to an end.
The team is exhausted from the almost non-stop calls and Chimney even challenges Ravi if he dared to think the word quiet in his mind (he swears he didn’t). Buck leans his head against his locker door, unable to move an inch.
As the lockers slowly begin to empty out, Buck finally gathers the strength to open his locker and pull out his clean clothes to change to. He sits down on the bench beside Eddie and lets out an exasperated sigh. “I thought this day would never end. If I didn’t know any better I could swear I was living the groundhog day.”
When there’s no response – or rather no movement nor sound that would indicate Eddie heard him – he glances over at his best friend beside him. His attention is once again glued onto his phone screen, much like it had been the entire day whenever they had a moment of peace from the ongoing calls: which were few and about, but still there.
“You think Chris would want to see the groundhogs in the zoo sometime?” Buck continues, seeing if the mention of his son would embark a reaction of his best friend. There’s none. “Bobby and Athena’s ship sank.” No response. “I want to quit firefighting and start a new life in the Bahamas.”
“Huh?” Eddie’s eyes snap up from his phone and he turns to look at Buck, who’s smiling mischievously back at him.
“That sure got your attention.”
Eddie rubs his eyes. “Sorry. I’m kind of distracted right now, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I figured,” Buck says, leaning back to see his best friend’s expression a bit better. “Care to share?”
“It’s nothing to be concerned about,” Eddie says, avoiding eye contact. “Just some deadlines for Chris I’d forgotten about.”
Buck furrows his brows. He’d learned to speak fluent Eddie Diaz over the years and knew how to call bullshit when he heard it. The question was, would Eddie want him to call him out on it or was it truly so minor he didn’t want Buck to concern himself with it?
Then it hits him. “Oh, I get it! You got a big night ahead with Marisol, huh?” Buck teases, with a small smirk to his lips.
“Hmm? Yeah, something like that.”
Buck brushes his shoulder against Eddie’s and tries to ignore the way his friend seems to stiffen at the touch. “If you need me to watch over Chris, you could’ve just said so. You know I don’t mind.”
Eddie’s mouth twitches slightly. Once again, Buck doesn’t know what to make of it. “It’s fine. Wouldn’t want to mess up your plans with Natalia.”
“She doesn’t mind, either,” Buck says. It’s not entirely true. He knows Natalia’s not openly rude or distasteful towards Chris: she keeps up the conversation with him quite well, actually. She’s just not as close with him as Buck is, that’s all. They’ve only known each other for a few months, after all.
Eddie exhales deeply through his nose. “Yeah. But don’t worry about it: I’ve got it covered. Chris is going to a sleepover, so it’s no big deal.”
Buck furrows his brows. “Eddie, you know you can talk to me, right?”
“Nothing to talk about. Really,” he says, getting up from the bench without a second thought. “I’ll see you later.”
Before he gets a chance to reply or push further, Eddie rushes out of the locker room, leaving behind extremely confused Buck.
After that day, Eddie seems to become more avoidant. Or well, avoidant might not be the right choice of words. To the eyes of the outsider, the two of them are still attached to the hip. On calls everything is the way it’s always been: they’re working in perfect sync, as always. It could be just Buck himself that notices how Eddie keeps their conversations shorter, straight to the point, and almost always finds an excuse to get out of a situation where Buck seems to be talking to him and him alone.
It’s not like he’s exactly being warm and fuzzy with anyone else, either. He seems to be avoiding one-on-one with everyone. Buck doesn’t understand why he’s the only one so riled up because of it, though.
Ravi, who’s gotten used to teaming up with Buck on calls now, is the first one to point it out. ”Is everything alright with Eddie?”
Buck looks up from the hose he and Ravi are gathering back to the truck and shrugs. ”Should be. I don’t know.”
Ravi furrows his brows as he finishes loading the last meters of the hose back onto the truck. ”Aren’t you usually the first person to know?”
“Yeah.”
He used to be able to read Eddie like an open book. He knows something was wrong, but right now, Buck can’t bring himself to question the integrity of his best friend. He could be going through something he wasn’t ready to share. It could be anything.
It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with Buck. If it did, Eddie would tell him.
Right?
“Buck?”
Natalia’s voice pulls Buck back to reality. As he focuses his eyes again to meet Natalia’s brown ones, he tries his best to figure out what his girlfriend had just said. “I’m sorry, what?”
Natalia smiles softly. “A penny for your thoughts?”
Buck sighs and leans back against the backrest of the couch. It’s a brand new, emerald green pullover sofa. He and Natalia picked out from the third store they’d gotten to that day he’d asked her to tag along his couch shopping. Both of them had agreed that it would be the last place they’d go to that day and if they didn’t find the right fit, they’d try again the next day. The minute Natalia laid her eyes on she’d known it was the right one.
Buck had been indifferent. It wouldn’t have been his first choice, per se, but it seemed nice enough. Convenient, that’s for sure. It even had the option to be made into a bed, even if not the most comfortable one.
“It’s nothing. It could be just me overthinking stuff,” Buck says, twirling one of the loose strands of his T-shirt between his fingers.
Natalia lowers her cup of tea on the coffee table in front of them. “It’s better to talk it through, though, rather than keep it all inside.”
Buck smiles sadly. It’s one of the things he likes the most about Natalia: she’s sweet, kind, and always willing to hear him out, whatever it is that’s on his mind. He’s lucky to have her in his life. “It’s Eddie. I… I feel like something’s up with him, but I’m not sure what.”
Natalia leans on her arm that’s resting at the backrest of the sofa, her undivided attention on Buck. “Okay. Have you asked him?”
Buck shakes his head. “It’s not that simple.”
Buck doesn’t know where to begin in explaining his and Eddie’s relationship to Natalia. She only knows the gist of it all: how he and Eddie had a rough start when becoming colleagues, then became friends, then fell out during the lawsuit, then rekindled their friendship soon after Buck rejoined the 118.
They’d had their ups and downs, been through hell both together and individually. They’d promised to always have each other’s backs: both on calls and in personal life. It was a bond that went deeper than just being colleagues.
Natalia knows Christopher is Eddie’s son. She hasn’t questioned – at least not out loud – why exactly Buck hangs out with him as much as he does, especially without Eddie present. Buck’s not even sure what he’d tell her if she asked.
Natalia doesn’t know about the will, either. How Buck risked his life trying to take care of Christopher during the tsunami, how he used to take Chris to the zoo over the weekends, even if Eddie didn’t join them all the time. How he’s constantly trying to make sure Chris has all the support in the world he needs, even if it is from afar.
Buck doesn’t know how to explain it all to Natalia. There’s just too many years worth of history between him and the Diazes to even begin to unpack it all to a person you’ve only known for a few months.
Which is why Buck simply says: “We don’t usually pry too much into the other’s personal issues. Not unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
Natalia nods. “Don’t you think this might be one of those cases?”
Buck frowns. He’s not sure.
Natalia moves her free hand on top of Buck’s and intertwines their fingers. “Buck, Eddie’s your best friend. Anything you guys go through, you’ll figure it out. But you can’t know for sure what it is if you don’t talk it through with him.”
For the next few days, Buck makes several attempts to talk to Eddie, but he somehow always manages to make some sort of an excuse to not to or is saved by an alarm at the fire station. With his best friend avoiding him, Buck’s growing more and more anxious.
He’s spending a lot of his freetime with Natalia. He thinks about calling Chris to let him know some cool fact he learned, but knows the kid has his own interests: he is almost a teenager now, after all. Buck doesn’t want to overstep or seem like the weird guy his dad’s just keeping around just because. It’s not like he’s Chris’ father, even if it sometimes feels like it to Buck himself.
On Friday, he’s supposed to be heading to the Diazes for their weekly now turned monthly(-ish) movie night, when Natalia calls him out of nowhere. She’s almost panicking on the phone. “Hey, hey, hey, slow down. I’m here. What’s going on?”
“It’s my dad,” Natalia sniffs. “He’s in the hospital. He collapsed on his way home from work and–”
“I’m on my way,” Buck says. “Hang on. I’ll be right there.”
Buck grabs the keys to his Jeep and makes a quick text to his, Eddie’s and Chris’ groupchat. I’m sorry, Natalia’s got a family emergency. We’re gonna have to reschedule. :(
As he pulls out the driveway, he tries to soothe his raging nerves down. His girlfriend needs him: he’s sure Chris and Eddie will understand. Eddie would do the same for Marisol, after all. For his family and friends. It’s not like the ache in his chest is caused by anything other than feeling sorry for his girlfriend.
When Buck gets to Natalia’s house, he jumps out of the car and runs upstairs. He knocks on the door three times, waiting impatiently for an answer. When Natalia opens the door, her face is already tear-stained.
“Come here,” Buck says as he pulls Natalia into his arms. As she leans her head on his chest, Buck forgets all about his previous plans for the night. He doesn’t bother to check if Chris or Eddie have seen the message or replied to it. After all, Natalia’s well-being is what matters the most right now.
Next day on shift, Hen’s the first one to notice something’s up. She walks up to Buck, who’s nervously fidgeting the phone in his hands. “Hey, Buckaroo. Everything alright?”
Buck sighs and rubs his eyes. He had decided to stay over at Natalia’s to support her the best way he knew how: by physically being there. “It’s Natalia. Her father was hospitalized yesterday.”
Hen’s eyes soften as she frowns. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. How’s she holding up?”
“Not well,” Buck admits and smiles sadly. “She booked a flight for Monday, since she has to work on Sunday. I tried to convince her to call in sick, but you know how she is with her job. It’s–”
“It’s her lifeline,” Hen says. “Reminds me of someone I know.”
Buck chuckles. “I guess we have a lot more in common than I realized.”
“How about you? How are you holding up?” Hen asks.
Buck shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m sad for her, obviously. She’s devastated. I hope he’s going to be alright.”
Hen nods. “Are you going with her to see him?”
Buck thinks for a moment. He had asked Natalia if she wanted him to go with her, but she’d declined his offer almost immediately.
“Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your offer. It’s sweet of you to ask,” she had said with a sad smile. “But this is my family we’re talking about. I want to enjoy the little time I have with them: especially if my dad doesn’t...”
She’d paused in the middle of her sentence, unable to say the final words.
Buck had acted like her rejection hadn’t stung in his chest, but in reality he had been disappointed.
He knows he has no right to feel that way. It’s Natalia’s family, after all. Buck hasn’t been a part of her life for that long to be considered a part of it just yet.
“No,” he says, looking at Hen for a moment. “It’s… She’s not ready to introduce me to her family right now with everything going on.”
Hen’s worry lines deepen on her forehead. “Buck…”
Just as Buck’s about to answer, the bell rings.
The call they answer to isn’t anything special: just a typical grease fire caused in a residential lot. They got the fire under control within fifteen minutes of arriving at the scene.
“Oh, good gracious! You saved my kitchen!” the woman who’d gotten to the scene shortly before exclaimed. She lays a glance at the other woman, currently sitting on the back of the ambulance. “Remind me to never let you cook again.”
The woman, currently having her arm bandaged by Buck, rolls her eyes. “Oh come on! How could I have known there was too much oil on the pan? I didn’t want to burn the chicken!”
Buck chuckles. “The key is to add the oil in smaller portions. That’s how you avoid burning it to the crisp, but also won’t have too much leftover oil that could ignite.”
The woman’s eyes widen. “Oh! That makes sense.”
Buck smiles. “It’s through trial and error, for sure. Just try to be more careful in the future.”
The woman smiles and glances over Buck’s shoulder. “I’m sure your partner appreciates you being able to cook. Mine sure doesn’t appreciate my efforts in that department.”
Buck smiles, a bit confused. “Yeah, my girlfriend’s not much of a cook. I really like doing it, though, so it works out.”
The woman blinks a few times, processing Buck’s words. “Oh.”
Buck furrows his brows. “What was that?”
“Oh, nothing,” the woman says, with a hint of a baffled smile to her face. As Buck follows her gaze, he spots Eddie further away talking with the woman previously scolding his patient for almost burning down her kitchen. While Eddie’s not looking at them, there’s something in the way he’s standing that makes Buck think he could’ve been just moments before.
Once again, Buck doesn’t know what to make of it.
Later on, once they’ve gotten back to the firehouse, Buck’s setting up the table as Chimney stomps upstairs. “Hey, Buck! I have a favor to ask.”
Buck raises his gaze from the plate he just set down. “Yeah?”
Chim beams at him. “Me and Maddie got a call from a possible wedding venue, and we have a chance to go check it out on Saturday. Could you babysit Jee for the afternoon? We could always bring her with us, but she tends to get fussy after a few hours of traveling, so...”
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” Buck says with an apologetic expression. “Natalia’s heading out of town on Monday to see her family. She needs all the support she can before–”
The sound of a chair being pushed back causes Buck to wince slightly. He turns his head towards the dining table just in time to see Eddie storming off of the loft.
“What’s up with him?” Hen asks.
“Did you two have a brawl at the supermarket again?” Chim adds.
“Not that I know of,” Buck says, his brows furrowed.
”Wait, what do you mean again?” Ravi asks, confused.
Buck indulges himself in his cooking, zoning out from the rest of the conversation. If his anxiety hadn’t spiked yet, it certainly has now. He knows things can’t continue the way they are now. He has to talk with Eddie: whether he wants to confront him or not.
After their shift ends, Buck makes sure to go after Eddie as soon as he makes his way out of the firehouse.”Eddie. Eddie! Hey, slow down! What’s wrong?”
”Nothing’s wrong,” Eddie tries, not looking over his shoulder. The clench of his jaw is the only sign telling Buck another story.
“No. Listen, I’ve tried to ignore it, but I feel like everytime I try to talk to you, you come up with an excuse not to. Eddie!” Buck manages to reach him and grabs his friend by the arm. “I… I feel like you’ve been avoiding me. So if something’s wrong, I’d like to hear it from you rather than...”
Eddie laughs. The sound catches Buck off guard. ”Look. I’ve tried to put it past me. I have. But after what you pulled off with Chimney?” Eddie shakes his head before turning to face Buck. ”I’m not having it.”
”Having what? Eddie, what am I not seeing here?” Buck pleads, again.
”You. You’re putting Natalia on a pedestal.”
Buck’s eyes widen. “What?”
Eddie shakes his head again. ”I didn’t want to say anything, because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but really, Buck? After what you told Chimney back there about hanging out with Natalia rather than watching over your niece?” Eddie inhales, as if to try and ground himself. Like he’s said too much. ”That’s not okay. Did you ever stop to think about the way you’re acting affects other people around you?”
Buck stares at Eddie, dumbfounded by his seemingly long-veiled anger towards him. How long has he been keeping all of this inside? ”Eddie, her dad is in the hospital and she needs my support. She’s going through something!”
”What, like you haven’t been going through anything yourself lately?” Eddie demands.
Buck blinks, trying to latch onto something, anything that could be behind Eddie’s tone. ”That’s different. I’m not the one to worry about here, Eddie.”
”Aren’t you?” Eddie asks again, challenging Buck more.
Buck bites the inner corner of his cheek. The pressure in his chest is getting worse by the minute. ”Natalia’s not doing well right now. It’s just a rough patch for her. I can’t just abandon her when she’s…”
Eddie sighs. ”Buck, if you think yesterday and today are the only examples then you’re as clueless as it is.”
”Example of what?” Buck asks.
And then, after years of pause, Eddie raises his voice: ”You’ve been bailing on Chris for months now!”
Buck blinks. ”What?”
Eddie sighs, seemingly trying to calm himself down. He’s on the brink of losing his patience, Buck sees that now as clear as day. ”He barely sees you anymore. He’s barely heard a word from you in weeks. You don’t visit as often. You bail on him at the last minute even if it is for a good reason. I only hear from you because I work with you. How do you think not being around makes him feel? He thinks it’s something he did. That he’s in the wrong. It’s not only right now that’s the issue here. Natalia hasn’t been going through stuff for all this time. ”
Eddie’s words feel like a punch in the gut. Suddenly Eddie’s angered stance and annoyance makes sense. Nothing, absolutely nothing else than Christopher could raise this type of reaction out of his best friend. Buck has only seen Eddie this angry with him once before, and, ironically enough, that had had to do with Chris too.
He should’ve known that’s what was going on.
”I’m… I’m sorry,” Buck says, voice barely audible. He lets his hand loosen its grip from Eddie’s arm, dropping it to his side. ”I didn’t realize— I didn’t mean to abandon him. I didn’t— I’m going to make it up to him, I promise.”
Eddie sighs and seems to dial down his disappointment and anger a notch. ”I’m sorry. I’m— I didn’t mean to yell. I get that you have a new relationship and it’s exciting for you. She… Seems to be very good for you. I just…” He inhales deeply, the frown on his face slowly smoothening. ”I hope you’ll find it in you to pay attention to other aspects of your life, too, not just her.”
Buck opens his mouth to reply, but ends up closing it as he feels the words die on his tongue. He’s not sure if anything he has to say could have any weight in the situation at all.
“You can’t keep putting all of your efforts into a single person, Buck,” Eddie says, eyes pleading. It’s the only emotion Buck can name, even though there seems to be at least a dozen more in the mix. ”That’s not fair to the other people around you. And in the long run, it’s not fair to you, either. That… Never ends well.”
With that, Eddie turns his back and walks off, leaving Buck behind once again.
Once Buck’s certain Eddie’s long gone, he makes his way to the parking lot. Throughout the entire walk to his car, his head reeling. He barely pays attention to how humid the air feels or the risen air pressure, still too caught up in his own head.
Selfish.
Eddie hadn’t said those exact words, but the message was loud and clear between the lines.
As he settles himself on the driver’s seat of his Jeep and closes the door after him, he allows himself to take in the full weight of Eddie’s words.
Has he really been ignoring Chris? He tries to bring back the last time he’s talked with the kid apart from his message from yesterday saying he couldn't make it to their movie night, but can’t bring himself to recall any specific moment. Has Chris been trying to contact him? Should Buck have been the one to take the initiative? He had thought Chris had simply been busy with his friends and didn’t want to risk coming across as the annoying friend of his dad who couldn’t leave him alone.
It’s only now that he realizes how wrong he’s been not to make an effort. Has he been doing it because he thought it was the right thing to do for them… Or simply easier for him? Has he been ignoring everyone else in his life in order to make Natalia happy? To make himself happy?
Sure, he’s been putting himself and his needs first, and focused on his blooming relationship with Natalia. The thing between them is still fresh and fragile. Is it really selfish to focus on it? Is he being selfish?
Buck has no answers to that. All he knows is he’s feeling like shit — and rightfully so. He should feel terrible.
Buck leans his head on the steering wheel and sighs. He knows Eddie didn’t say any of those things to spite him or to hurt him. In fact, he could see his best friend was hurting, as well. Eddie had proven time and time again he’d do anything for his son.
That somehow makes matters worse, actually. Knowing Eddie only did what he did because he thought his son’s well being was on the line.
Selfish.
When Buck finally comes to and turns on his Jeep, he feels far from better. As he curves out of the parking lot onto the driveway, he tries to focus on the road ahead of him instead of his knuckles that are clutching the steering wheel hard enough to whiten his knuckles. He barely registers how dark both the sky and the horizon are getting.
It’s only when he makes the final turn to his driveway when Buck registers that what started out as a small dribble is slowly turning into a full rainstorm.
Buck pulls up at the side of the road and turns off the engine. There’s a weird weight on his chest he can’t quite name. Once he’s sure there are no cars driving past him he opens the door and hops out of the car. He picks up a half-walk, half-run pace, trying to avoid getting fully soaked in the rain.
He walks up the stairs, two at a time, and doesn’t slow down until he’s all the way to his apartment. As he unlocks the door, he can feel the weight on his chest getting increasingly more difficult to ignore.
When the door slams shut behind him, the first lightning lights up the sky and the dim apartment.
Buck feels the hairs on his neck rising as his heartbeat fastens involuntarily. His hand is frozen, halfway up in the air reaching towards the light switch as he starts counting the seconds between the flash and the following thunder.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Ei—
The thunder rumbles, far away from Buck’s apartment. 8 seconds. That’s far enough. It’s got to be.
He flips on the light switch and the apartment fills with light. Small droplets of water slide down on his forehead from his rain soaked hair. A few of those drops slide all the way down his face, until gravity inevitably pulls them down. The usually quiet sound of them hitting the hardwood floor somehow seems unbearably loud in his ears.
Buck inhales as deeply as he possibly can, before walking across the room. His head is still reeling dangerously and his chest… Well, it’s not feeling any better. Quite the opposite. It’s almost like his entire body is slowly going numb.
As he reaches the kitchen, another lightning lights up the sky. This time he can barely get the count up to 4 before the ominous rumbling of thunder fills the air.
Four seconds. The storm is getting closer and fast.
Buck clutches on the edges of the kitchen island instinctively. The dizziness in his vision almost causes him to stumble, but he manages to keep himself up straight. The numbness that started out around his chest area is now spreading all the way down to each of his limbs.
A heart attack? In the middle of a thunderstorm?
The third lightning strikes — and this time, Buck doesn’t need to count. The thunder rumbles down immediately after the white light has died down.
That’s when the apartment goes dark.
Buck leans against the counter, barely registering anything around him anymore. The edges of the room are spinning dangerously fast now, as is his breathing. He tries to blink in order to make sense of everything in his field of vision, even squeezes his eyes shut for a good five seconds, only to find the room spinning around even more as he opens them back up.
The realization strikes almost at the same time the next lightning does: it’s not a heart attack.
It’s a panic attack.
Buck tries to keep himself up and focused, even as his breathing gets more shallow with each sharp inhale he takes. What helps? Think, Evan, think!
As the numbness reaches his legs, Buck finally springs into action. He stumbles forward and manages to sit down on one of the barstools just in time before his vision begins to blur out entirely.
Are there tears in his eyes? Is he crying?
His breathing speeds up even more as the next set of white light fills his field of vision. He squeezes his eyes shut, shoving his hands above his eyes and pushes. He presses down on his eyelids until his field of vision is filled with white stars.
Pained out whimper escapes his mouth as he leans his head down until his forehead touches the cool surface of the island. His fingers curl around his arms, tugging, clawing, just trying to regain some sense of feeling into his limbs, even if it’s pain. His head rests between his arms, as if they would be enough to shield him from seeing the white light around him again.
Nothing. Nothing helps except waiting until it passes.
And so he sits there, every fiber of his being completely numb and overalert at the same time, trying to ignore the sounds of the thunder outside, with little to no success. He focuses on his breathing, trying to slow it down one inhale and exhale at a time. Everything around him feels surreal, but at least he’s able to name that feeling amongst the numbness.
Somewhere in the distance he hears his phone buzz. He doesn’t have the strength to get up and reach out for it. He barely has the energy to keep the panic at bay. Even the tiniest bit of movement seems like a marathon.
Eventually, the buzzing stops.