Chapter Text
Home, Monday, 14:30h
From the second Matt opened his eyes he knew it was going to be a bad day. After some fumbling with his hand in the dark, he managed to locate his phone on the nightstand and raise it slightly to check the time. He begrudgingly threw off the covers, but otherwise remained plastered to the bed, mentally convincing himself to get up for the day. He could feel the pain in his chest and already knew how the next few hours will go like; he will continue to lay in bed, head empty for a while, until he will eventually gather enough energy to pick up his phone and move on to scrolling through the same three apps he always does for about an hour, before the need to relieve himself will finally win over and force him to slowly make his way to the bathroom. The pressure in his chest not letting up for a moment.
This has (more or less) been his “routine” for the past couple of years, but recently the time spent motionlessly lying around has started getting longer and getting up just a bit harder. Matt might be young but he wasn’t that naïve, he knew what this meant, he’s been able to recognise the signs for years now. It starts with him getting sad over things that usually wouldn’t get to him, like his brothers’ less-sensitive jokes, a sad scene in a series or even a TikTok. With this sadness came random waves of heightened anxiety, seemingly without a cause. He could be lying in bed one moment relatively fine and the next he feels pressure his chest, his breaths short and mind foggy. But as fucked up as that sounds, this state is still far better than the one that often follows; the gradual loss of any and all energy, motivation and finally his emotions. Matt is a relatively quiet person already (at least compared with his brothers), meeting and getting close to new people has always been hard for him. He knows exactly why; it’s not like he doesn’t have anything to say, despite the popular belief, he does have a lot of interesting thoughts and opinions to add, so he knows exactly what he wants to say, but in the moment (either with people he isn’t close with or on camera) he can’t seem to be able to physically force himself to open his mouth and start speaking. If that wasn’t enough, he is with his brothers in most of these settings, and since they are so much more energetic, assertive and loud, he doesn’t always get enough time and understanding needed in order to push the words out. It’s not like he blames them though, he loves them and their boisterous personalities and wishes he could be so honest and unapologetically himself as well. But that leads him to the other reason for his mostly self-designated silence – why would he speak, when there are two better other versions of himself already doing it? Nick and Chris always have been and always will be naturally funnier, quicker, louder and more intense in the best way. He doesn’t struggle with this anymore, not really, he’s accepted this as a fact long ago, after countless hours of denial, overthinking and struggling with the unavoidable realisation that he just can’t match his brothers. Matt sometimes wonders how he'd turn out or function if he was on his own - when his depression makes him particularly resentful he thinks he’d be just as loud and funny if he’d just gotten a chance, but such thoughts get quickly replaced by those of guilt and shame, he knows he’s just making up excuses. Regardless of the reasons, the fact remains that he is generally quite reserved in his interactions, which gets even worse and (as some people have pointed out) more annoying when his depression inevitably drains what little spark he had in him before. The sadness gets slowly replaced with a painful emptiness he can’t escape, not that he has the energy to really try.
Which leads him to right now, another day when simply getting up presents a challenge. He tries to remain as quiet as possible when closing the bathroom door behind him, not wanting either of his brothers to hear him finally up and about at almost 4pm. He knows they would likely come talk to him for whatever reason, even to just berate him for his worsening sleeping habits. Although he is vaguely aware that some human-interaction would be good for him, Matt has even less energy in the mornings. He needs a solid few hours to get in the right headspace. He flushes the toilet and continues to routinely go through the motions of washing his teeth and then his face. He knows a shower is long due, even smells his shirt to confirm and lets out a quiet “eugh” as he does. Showering is also especially harder lately, though he tries to keep up with it at least semi-regularly, if only for the fact that he’s been recorded poking fun of Chris for the same reason. He was standing still, staring at the shower trying to mentally convince himself to just undress and get in, when his thoughts were suddenly interrupted by intense knocking on the bathroom door behind him.
“Matt is that you in there? You’re taking forever, c’mon let me in”, he hears, not even 10 minutes of peace, why am I surprised.
“I’m trying to shower Chris, stop being annoying and let me get ready in peace”, Matt replies, his complaint lacking his usual heat.
“Comeee ooon bro, we haven’t seen you yet today, open up”, Chris continues, never one to give up easily.
At this, Matt just lets out an overly-loud exhale, rolls his eyes and turns to face the door. It’ll be quicker to just give him what he wants, he thinks, but then stops. He really doesn’t have the energy to humour his brother right now and he is always expected to give in first anyway. Fuck it, let him whine. He turns back around and starts undressing for the shower.
“Matt? Are you seriously ignoring me? What the fuck dude?”, Chris’s tone changed from excited to agitated. Not seeing the need to reply, Matt enters the shower and turns it on, letting himself get lost in the feeling of cold water hitting his skin, head empty once more.
With Nick and Chris
“What is up with him”, Chris mutters quietly to himself, accepting Matt’s unusual dismissal for the time being. He goes back to Nick’s room, where the other is already waiting for him. “So?”, Nick asks.
“He’s taking a shower”, Chris sighs, “but he totally blew me off, he legit ignored me”.
“To be fair people usually tend to prefer privacy in the bathroom, we’ll try again once he’s finished”.
“Yeah right, in the five seconds it’ll take him to disappear in his bedroom again”, Chris scoffs.
“So what do you propose we do, we tried inviting him out, we invited our friends here to try and cheer him up, making up random excuses to get him to drive us around won’t work forever and nothing seems to be working anymore”, Nick started losing his cool.
“Well then we’ll drag him out, he can’t keep living like this, I can’t watch him rot anymore”. Their tones are harsh, but they both know it’s just from the stress of worrying about their brother. They aren’t blind, they can see Matt steadily getting worse and it’s affecting all of them. They unconsciously started walking on eggshells around him, afraid anything they do or say might trigger another burst of sadness and leading to Matt retreating to his room yet again. The worst part is that he stopped talking to them, he used to be so open about everything that bothered him and they worked through it together. They don’t know what’s wrong, they tried giving him space at first, expecting him to be back to normal soon enough, and when that didn’t happen, they tried showering him with attention and affection, which only seemed to make Matt isolate himself further. He’s even eating less and now barely leaves his room. They were really worried, knowing neither the cause of Matt’s worsening state nor the right way to help. And above all that, they missed their brother. He had a way of making each person feel heard and valid, plus making him laugh so genuinely never failed to light up their day. Matt might not be as intense as them, but the room feels empty without him. The two brothers were quiet for a while, each lost in their own thoughts, proving in itself how serious they were about the situation.
With Matt
In the other room, Matt was not ready to finish his shower, since he took comfort in the physical sensation of the cold water numbing his body and grounding him, providing a temporary distraction from his thoughts (or lack thereof). He sighed as he accepted his peace was over for now and reluctantly got out, dried off and dressed. He made the mistake of glancing at the mirror when walking towards the door and immediately felt as if someone punched him in the throat. That guy is me? He thought, coming closer to the mirror and inspecting his face. Despite sleeping so much, he had insane eye bags, he looked unnaturally skinny and pale and it was obvious to anyone that he hadn’t tried to style his hair in a while. But the worst were his eyes, usually so expressive and young, now looking dull and resigned, almost lifeless. Well, I guess the outside finally matches the inside, he laughed quietly at his morbid joke.
He wanted to go back to his room, but knew if he went back now, he wouldn’t be able to force himself up again, so he decided to make a detour to the kitchen for some water and a small snack. He didn’t have any appetite, but figured he’d feel even worse without eating anything, especially since he skipped dinner last night. He downed a glass of water, feeling the instant relief on his dry throat. With great effort, he made himself a small sandwich with what limited ingredients they had in their fridge. God, he hated how much energy it took simply to continue to exist. Matt had barely started eating when he heard a loud smack of the door from above, followed quickly by two sets of rushing steps. Fucking hell, what do they want now. Please let it have nothing to do with me. He knew his prayers weren’t answered the moment he heard Nick yell out “Matt, are you in here?”. Seeing no way out of the impending interaction, he let out a quiet “In the kitchen”, effectively drawing both brothers in his direction.
All
To say the following conversation was hellish was an understatement. Matt had expected them to either 1. Try to get him to hang out or to drive them somewhere or 2. Give him shit for his unhealthy sleeping habits. What he didn’t expect though, was a full on confrontation about his worsening mental state and the resulting behaviour. They were standing around the kitchen table, postures tense, Matt’s uneaten sandwich completely forgotten.
“Can you just drop it? You’re completely over-exaggerating, leave me alone, I’m fine for Christs sake”, Matt defended himself. He started off the conversation with no real energy, but started getting progressively angrier the longer their argument went on.
“We’re over-exaggerating?? Matt listen to yourself, you don’t really talk or eat anymore and you barely leave your room at this point”, yelled Nick, gesturing around wildly with his hands.
“Can’t you see we’re just worried about you? There’s no way you don’t know what we’re talking about Matt, you’re basically wasting away in front of our eyes and we can’t just stand by and watch you kill yourself”, fired Chris. All of them were yelling by now, emotions running high.
Matt was gripping the edge of a chair, knuckles turning white from the pressure, “You don’t get it, I just am like this, it’s not my fault I feel the way I do. And if I’m such a goddamn inconvenience to look at then maybe you should just take the hint and leave me the fuck alone!”, he was shaking at this point, unable to look either brother in the eye.
“The fuck are you talking about bro, what does that even mean?? We were always here for you and tried to help but we can’t do that unless you let us!”, Nick was trying so hard to be understanding and supportive of whatever his brother was going through, but Matt was making it so hard, harder than it needed to be and Nick was nearing his limit.
“Do not twist my words right now Matt, you know that’s not what I meant. We’re not going anywhere like this, you need to just calm down and tell us what’s wrong! I promise we’ll be here and help however we can… come on, let us in, we’re in this together… we just want our brother back.”, Chris’s voice and tone getting softer and quieter with each sentence.
At his brother’s quiet admission, all fight suddenly left Matt’s body. He could practically feel the remaining energy leave his body, which left him feeling dizzy, so he had to grab the dining room chair for support.
“Woah, shit, you okay buddy?”, Nick jumped forward, arms stretched out, ready to catch Matt if needed.
“Come sit down Matt, here, I’ll get you some water”, said Chris gently, as he went around the other side of the table and pulled out a chair for Matt. He was worried and kept glancing back at his brother before finally the glass was full and he could return to his side.
“I’m fine, got dizzy all of a sudden”, Matt said, finally looking up at his brothers again, but then just as quickly averted his gaze, unable to handle their looks of concern. He thanked Chris for the water and forced himself to drink the entire glass, a bit to satisfy his brothers and also to prolong the continuing of their unfinished conversation.
“So… sorry for pushing you so much Matty, we’re honestly just really worried about you and want what’s best for you.”, started Nick calmly, voice full of affection, trying to catch his gaze, so Matt could see he was being honest.
Chris crouched down on Matt’s other side and placed one arm around his shoulder, using his other hand to gently trace circles over Matt’s hand with his thumb, “Yeah, we might not know what you’re going through, but I swear we want to understand, so please, don’t run away from us anymore…”, he continued softly.
To be honest, Matt didn’t know what he was feeling right now, he’s been empty for a while and going through all these intense emotions in such a short time span left him worn out and confused. “Thank you both, but I- I’m really tired and confused right now… I think I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts.”, he replied, voice low and gaze fixed on the table in front of him.
“Oh Matt sweetie… “, Nick started, almost pityingly. He and Chris looked at each other and had a silent conversation, they were thinking the same thing; we made progress, if we drop the subject now, will he want to talk about it later or close up again? But then Chris shook his head slightly, lips pressed in a thin line, wordlessly asking Nick to drop it for now. Nick still looked sceptical, but decided not to push this time.
“Okay bro, we’re stopping for now, but we really need to finish this later. Maybe get some rest and we can go for a drive later and talk in the car? We tend to have the most meaningful conversations late at night and in the car anyway.”, Chris tried to joke a little.
Matt forced a small smile and nodded, “Yeah, I guess that works.” He moved to stand up, his brothers right beside him. They slowly went up to their rooms together and as Matt was about to enter his room, the others stopped and hesitated for a moment before Chris asked, “Uhm, would you like us to come keep you company? We could chill or watch a show together?”, looking at his brother hopefully. “Thanks for the offer, but I want to be alone for a while, if that’s okay”, Matt replied hesitantly, he hated turning them down, he didn’t want to disappoint them further. Chris’s and Nick’s expressions dropped a little, but they still forced a small smile and nodded to show their support, “That’s okay, we get it, get some rest and we’ll talk later, okay?”, assured Nick. “Yeah, sounds good.”, Matt replied, entering his room and closing the door behind him.
With Matt
As soon as the door was closed, Matt slumped with his back against it, closing his eyes and letting out a loud exhale as he slowly slid down to the floor. He brought his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and leaned his head back, so it was resting against the door. What do I do, he cried silently, still willing his body to calm down. The only thing he could hear was his heart thumping in his ears and felt insane pressure in his chest. I need to calm down, breathe, c’mon, you know this, slowly in and out, … he directed his focus to his breathing, forcing himself to slow his breaths, that’s right, in for three, out for three, hold, repeat. Then, after a few repetitions, his efforts finally started to pay off and he could feel himself coming back to himself, vision no longer blurry. He allowed himself a solid half hour of just sitting on the ground, staring at nothing with his head empty of thoughts. He needed the time to safely recover from the unexpected stress. He realised he had a lot to think over and didn’t really know where to start, his thoughts were a mess. He knew his brothers had a right to be worried, that they loved him and wished to help, but the problem was that he just couldn’t bring himself to care enough to react properly. Logically he understood that this wasn’t coming from him, that it was the disease poisoning his mind and stealing his ability to feel what he normally would. He knew that the best thing to do now was to go to his brothers and admit he needed help, so they could figure out how to heal together. But not yet, I’m not ready yet. He desperately needed more time alone, to think, to sort through his feelings, to calm down, to decide on how to proceed. How is it possible to feel such pain and nothing at all at the same time? He knew he couldn’t handle another talk with his brothers that day, a few hours just wasn’t enough time to mentally prepare and he started getting anxious only imagining it. I need to get out of here, he realised, and suddenly his room was suffocating, like the walls were closing in on him and there wasn’t enough air inside to take a full breath. Matt got up quicker than was probably safe in his state, pulled the first hoody he saw over his head, grabbed his phone and made his way out of his room, down the stairs and through the front door without turning back.
With Nick and Chris
After Matt chose to retreat to his room alone, the two remaining brothers exchanged glances and wordlessly went to Nick’s room together. Neither wanted to be alone right now. Nick plopped down on his bed, Chris joining him not a moment later. While Nick would’ve preferred some space, he knew his brother needed physical contact to ground him. They laid side by side, glancing between each other and the ceiling as they talked.
“Well that went well”, said Nick with a small exhale.
“To be fair I kind of expected worse, you know. At least he finally acknowledged there’s something going on with him… in a way…ish”, Chris tried to remain positive.
Nick snorted, “Yeah I guess if you count him not outright denying it anymore, then sure. But yeah, getting through that conversation without any yelling would be impossible in any universe.”
“Imagine a universe where you were straight and me and Matt were gay but we were also all geckos. Like, we’re gecko brothers but we also have different sexualities.”, Chris giggled.
“Gee, Chris, as much as I would love to discuss fake scenarios about gecko sexualities with you, I don’t. You need to redirect your train of thought like now, move on.”, Nick said, half joking half serious.
The two fell into an easy conversation, shifting positions so they were sitting and occasionally scrolling through their phones as they talked. The mood was relaxed and comfortable and they were both starting to feel better, effectively distracted from their earlier troubles. Until they heard what could only be Matt aggressively opening his bedroom door, which had them both tensing and alert, followed by the sound of retreating footsteps and ending with a resounding smack of the front door closing. They immediately made eye contact, their eyes revealing near equal amounts of panic and confusion, then stood up and ran out the door without further hesitation.
“MATT!”, “Are you here, Matt?!”, they started shouting while running through the house, not caring that he likely couldn’t hear them anymore. “What the fuck does he think he’s doing?”, Nick complained angrily, silently cursing his brother’s idiocy.
“Let’s just find him first and then we can yell at him for scaring us”, Chris didn’t want to panic yet. But by the time they made it outside, Matt had already disappeared in whichever direction he decided to run off in.
“Should we go after him?”, Chris asked.
“Maybe? Yeah, I think so, right? He can’t be in the right mental state if he just took off, that’s crazy, Matt never acts like this.”, Nick reasoned. Before they could do anything else, however, their phones vibrated where they still held them in their hands. They automatically looked at the notification and froze just a little when they saw it was from a message in their triplets only group chat. They each opened and read the message on their own phones, then re-read it a couple more times. When they recovered from the initial confusion, they both started writing out their response with an unbelievable speed (rip spelling), but before either managed to press send, the “Matty Boi has notifications silenced” sign popped on.
“That little shit…”, Nick growled out.
“He better have a good reason for this, I can’t imagine what’s going through his mind right now”, Chris sighed.
“Oh I don’t care if the holy spirit itself called him out right now, when he gets back I’m not letting him out of my sight until he starts acting normally, he better reply soon or so help me god …”, Nick ranted as they reluctantly returned back inside, left without any better options for the moment. They both sent our their replies despite knowing Matt muted his notifications, hoping he checks them anyway.
With Matt
He didn’t exactly know where he was running, at least not at first. He just knew that he needed to put enough distance between himself and the house and then find a quiet place to think. His mind was still a bit hazy and it was difficult to focus, it felt almost like an out of body experience, but he was still aware or conscious enough to remember to send out a quick text to their group chat. Despite his behaviour suggesting otherwise, he didn’t want his brothers to worry.
5:54pm
Matty Boi
Went on a walk to clear my head. Be back soon. Im okay.
He pressed send and then promptly muted his notifications. He didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with the fall out just yet. So he continued to walk for a while, crossing the street a few times and making random turns, not paying attention to where he was going. He didn’t know how much time had passed when his head had finally cleared enough for him to start thinking again. The fact that he was basically dissociating and walking around in public on autopilot should’ve worried him more than it did, but one problem at a time I guess.
He slowed down a bit to check his surroundings and realised he was near the old forest where they went to a couple of times with their friends. It was a big, natural forest that the edge of their town, with a park on the side of it, where people liked to take their kids to play or walk their dogs. Normally, most people chose to stick to the park, but it was not unusual for small groups or individuals to take a stroll through the edge of the forest, seeking a break in the nature. There was a narrow man-made path that began at the end of the park and led deeper into the forest. If you followed the path long enough, it would lead you to a clearing, which became known as a sort of “hang-out spot” for anyone who had nowhere to go, a group of mostly young adults who liked taking advantage of the secluded location to throw parties and escape reality for a while. Everyone knew to avoid that place, not wanting to get involved with those people. There haven’t been any known incidence before, they weren’t known for being violent, but it was easier to just avoid the spot all together.
Might as well, Matt thought and altered his course, this time with an actual destination in mind. He wasn’t planning on going to the clearing, he had some self-preservation left, but he figured the forest would be the perfect place to relax his mind, it would be quiet enough to think and maybe finally feel like he could take a full breath. He picked up his pace a bit, since he wanted to make it there while there was still light out. He just now realised it would most likely get dark before he made his way back. Huh, maybe I should’ve thought this out a bit more. Welp. Once he made it to the edge of the park and started on the path, he made sure to stir from it long before he would’ve gotten to the clearing. He walked through the woods, watching where he was stepping, dodging branches and so on. Since it was an unmarked path, he made sure to memorise specific trees and rocks as he walked, so he wouldn’t get lost on the way back, and he also always knew which direction he came from, so he wasn’t worried. After what felt like forever, but was likely only a few minutes of walking, he saw a silhouette of some big structure up ahead. The trees weren’t that dense in this part of the forest. Matt continued on his way a bit hesitantly now, but he came this far so might as well see it through. As he got closer, he could see that the structure was some kind of a larger building, it was clearly old and neglected, the windows were broken, there were plants growing around the side of it and he could clearly see the walls were crumbling down on certain parts. Probably an abandoned factory, if he had to guess. For the first time since leaving the house he wished Nick and Chris were with him, he started getting a bit anxious after arriving at the old factory and he knew his brothers would have fun exploring it together. Well, Chris at least, Nick would be too scared to go in, Matt thought to himself and smiled. He stood still for a few moments, quietly observing the factory and its surroundings. He sighed, turned back to where he came from and started walking back.
When asked about it later, Matt was never really able to explain what compelled him to stop and turn around again, sights set on the abandoned factory once more. Maybe he wanted to achieve what he set out to do (he still didn’t start working through the mess in his head from before), maybe he wanted to prove to himself that he was an individual, his own interesting person who didn’t need his brothers around him at every turn, or maybe he simply enjoyed the scenery too much to leave yet. Whatever the reason, the moment he made this decision he unknowingly changed the course of their lives for the next few months. He couldn’t know it at the time, but going through that factory on that night set a certain chain of events in motion, that would end up sticking with him for the rest of his life. He wasn’t aware that there was already someone contemplating their life on the abandoned factory rooftop.