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Station 19’s A shift is on a 24-hour shift right now, and they are just getting through 12 hours; there are still 12 hours more. Everyone is asleep on their bunk. Andy was just going to get a drink from the kitchen, but she saw someone with blonde hair sitting in the darkness of the kitchen, all alone. It was Maya.
The earlier shift wasn't a hard shift per se , but Maya Bishop has been acting weird and out of place all day. Andy notices how her best friend has been trying to act as if she's present in the moment, but she knows that Maya is caught up in her own head. She just didn't know what it was about.
Maya has this thing where she bottles up her emotions and slowly releases them by snapping at other people. Andy doesn’t want that to happen, and she also wants to make sure that her best friend is okay.
She looks at Maya, who’s sitting alone in the kitchen, and decides to come to her and ask what’s happening. “Hey Maya, everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired. That's all.” Maya looks over at Andy and smiles uncomfortably before looking away.
"Yeah, sure. You’re tired, but instead of sleeping in the bunk, you sat here, all alone, in the darkness." She smiles back sarcastically and then notices that she’s clearly not okay. She was bouncing her legs up and down as she looked away. “Are you sure? You’re fidgeting and looking away from me like you want to tell me something.”
Maya looks back over at Andy and shifts in her seat awkwardly. "It's nothing, really. I swear, no big deal or anything. I'm just saying, it's been a few days."
“Rightttt….” Andy noticed how Maya seemed more nervous. “Maya, don’t you think I can tell when something is bothering you?” She tries being more stern to see if it helps Maya be honest.
When Andy takes the more stern route, Maya looks down at her feet and becomes visibly withdrawn. She shrugs slightly before looking back over at her. "Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?"
Andy sighs in defeat. She didn’t want to make Maya upset, but she couldn’t leave it alone either. “Well, Maya, I am your friend, and I am worried for you. You can talk to me, and it will be our little secret. I promise.”
Maya sighs, curling her arms around herself. "I just—I feel—I don't feel so good."
Andy reaches over and takes her hand. "Hey Maya, it's okay.” She squeezes her hand to comfort her. "You know you can tell me what's going on. I am here for you, and it won't leave this room. What's troubling you so much?"
Maya exhales, "Andy," and then turns to face the Latina woman. "I want to hurt myself really bad."
Maya’s honest statement surprises Andy. She didn’t know how to react, so she just stayed silent for a second. For the past 8 years, she has known Maya since they were rookies; Maya never told her if she was struggling with this. “Maya, do you plan on acting on it?” She stares at her, trying to assess the severity of the situation.
"No—well, yes. But I’m trying really hard not to.” Maya looks at the floor for a moment before letting out a soft sigh. “It’s been a long time since I really felt the urge and considered doing that. When I was still training for the Olympics, I used to do that to cope with the intense training and the ‘eyes forward’ thing. But I realized it wasn’t a good way to cope, and I managed to make my self-harm stop. But I don’t know why the urge comes back full force like this.” Maya sobs. “It’s not even a hard shift.” She says this with an annoyed tone, upset with herself for feeling like this.
Andy stays silent at first and thinks about what Maya said. She then sits next to her and puts her arm over her. She tries to reassure her. “Okay," Andy says softly after mentally resetting her mind after the shock of Maya’s words passed. "Mai, I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and I thank you for believing me with this.”
Maya nods.
“We can talk about it if you want, but I’m gonna give you a huge hug, okay?" She waits for Maya’s response, and as soon as Maya gives a nod, Andy squeezes her tighter and looks at her. "What can I do to help, Mai?”
Maya lets out a soft sigh and leans her head on Andy's shoulder, appreciating her comforting and reassuring presence. "I don't know why this is so hard, Andy. I mean, I've been to therapy, and I've tried medication. I know all about self-harm and its causes and triggers, but I just can't shake this. I thought things were looking up after therapy, and I've been trying to stay as healthy as possible and do all the right things, but this is hard."
She pauses for a second, letting out another sigh. "I think I just need someone to be with me." Maya manages to let out "Carina’s in surgery, and I don’t want to bother her. I just—"
“Okay, come here, Mai.” Andy pulls Maya closer and rubs her back. “I’m sure Carina won’t be bothered by you, and I get that you don’t want to make her worried, but she might want to know if you are hurting. What if she wants to be there for you?”
“I really don’t want to bother her. We just went through a rough patch, and I don’t want to give her more problems to think about.” Maya pauses, taking a deep breath and looking down at Andy's lap. "Sorry, I know this is a lot."
Andy nods and looks at Maya. She is happy that Maya feels comfortable sharing what's on her mind with her. However, she doesn't want her to feel like a burden or an annoyance. "Maya, don't apologize. You know you can always count on me. You know it, right?"
She looks at Maya and smiles. "And don't worry about thinking you'll be giving Carina any problems. Couples all go through rough patches once in a while, and she wants to be there for you too. Trust me." She says it confidently.
"Yeah, but it's not just Carina. I don't wanna bother any of you guys with this. I don't wanna just be Debbie Downer or the negative Nancy with the issues." Maya sighs softly and leans into Andy's shoulder. "But, thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. It means so much."
"Maya, you're not bothering anyone. You're not being a Debbie Downer. You're just going through something that happens to everyone. And you deserve to talk about it and be heard. Especially by us, since we are family. You're not alone, and you never will be." She says this as she pats her back gently.
"We would rather listen to your issues than not have you at all." Andy then gives her a reassuring look. “Besides, that’s what dark and messy best friend are for.”
Maya chuckles a little at Andy's comment and nods.
“Do you want to go home first, Mai?” Andy finally asks, not sure if Maya needs time off or not. “I can arrange that if you want to.”
Maya’s eyebrows knit together as she starts to think about the offer as Andy offers it. "Hmm, I think I’m good here. I can still work." An unconvincing smile plastered Maya’s face.
Andy squints a little when she hears Maya’s answer. “Mai…” She warns her best friend, telling her to tell her what’s exactly going on.
The blonde sighs softly. "Carina’s not home right now, and I don’t want to be alone.” Maya spoke in a small voice. “She got off from her shift at the same time as we are, so I’ll just stay at work until our shifts are done, and I’ll talk to Carina more later."
‘Ah, so that’s why. ’ Andy thought to herself, just realizing how Maya must have felt if she were home alone with her mind.
“Okay,” Andy nods. “You’re welcome to stay until our shifts end, but you need to take it easy and tell me if you’re feeling worse or if anything bothers you, alright?”
“Okay.”
Then Andy got up. “Now, let’s get you into bed, shall we?” Maya wanted to protest, but Andy quickly cut her off before she managed to get something out of her mouth. “You won’t help anyone if you’re sleep deprived, Mai.”
"But I don't want to sleep."
"Maya, you will sleep, and you will relax. I am not arguing with you over this, okay?" She says while pointing her index finger at Maya's forehead.
“Alright, alright.” She says as she stands up and stretches her back. “I’ll head to bed. But only because you're telling me to, not because I'm sleepy or something.” She says it with a faint smile. “I doubt I’ll sleep, but I am going to try.”
Andy smiles as he sees how she is trying to be tough. She then looked at her watch for a second. "It's almost 2 now. You can still get some good hours of sleep if you go now. Trust me, it will help you out, okay?" She says while opening the door to the bunk.
Once they arrive at their bunk, she helps Maya get to her bed. “Now rest and let your mind relax, alright? We have to be ready for any emergencies. And in case you have trouble falling asleep, here is some hot tea. This will help.” She says as she places a cup of tea on Maya’s nightstand.
Maya smiles at Andy, looking at her with a certain amount of gratitude and warmth. "Thank you...again."
"No worries, Mai, I got you.” She smiles back at Maya. “Besides, you'd do the same for me in case I was feeling the same way." Andy then walks to her own bed, trying to get some sleep.
“Good night, Andy.”
“Good night, Mai.”