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nearly six months ago, jungkook had shouted into the void, and the void had shouted back.
-
his eyes were heavy with sleep as he watched the seconds climb on his laptop; the closer it got to midnight the slower they seemed to tick.
he was exhausted after a double shift at the convenience store, all sixteen hours spent on his feet and in the company of his least favorite manager. he was his least favorite manager’s least favorite employee, though, so at least he knew where they stood. he’d spent a good chunk of the day near tears for one reason or another, and a good chunk of the evening actually in tears every time he was out of sight.
it didn’t matter how tired he was, though. he would never miss this.
jungkook’s finger hovered over the call button but he was beat to it - as soon as the clock switched to twelve, jin hyung calling appeared on the screen and jungkook started tearing up all over again.
jin was all sleepy-pink, with rumpled pajamas and messy hair and tired eyes that were still so bright and happy and the best thing jungkook had ever seen.
“morning, hyung,” he mumbled.
“night, kookie,” jin said, smiling at him with more warmth than jungkook had felt all day, even in the hot summer sun. “hey—what’s that face?”
jungkook’s lip wobbled and he hid his face in his pillow, hugging it tighter to his chest. “n-nothing. don’t mind me. please.”
jin frowned didn’t push. he was well-versed in jungkook’s moods and jungkook was beyond grateful - jin always seemed to know when to press, when to back off, when to gently tease a laugh out of him, when to lull him to sleep with stories about the night before or the day ahead.
“rough day?”
jungkook nodded once, tears stinging his eyes. “t-tell me—tell me something, hyung?”
“sure, baby,” he said. jungkook hoped his quiet keen was hidden by his shitty laptop mic. “i have a shoot today at ten with a photographer i haven’t met before. it should be fine, but i’m a little nervous, you know me—”
jungkook did his very best to stay awake, but his hyung’s voice was like a lullaby. he clumsily mumbled an apology when his words started to blend together in jungkook’s mind - by that time, though, jin had already gotten dressed, brushed his teeth, and took his meds, and when jungkook opened his eyes, determined to see him one final time before he fell asleep, he was bubbly-faced and leaning over the sink. he had on a pink bow headband that, for whatever reason, made jungkook remember with a hopeless-happy pang that he was in love.
“ah, it’s okay, jungkook-ah,” he reassured, rubbing his cheeks. “you had a long day. you have the morning off, right?”
“uh-huh.”
“good. sleep well for hyung, okay?” he smiled, leaning in close to his propped-up phone. “you did well today, baby. hyung’s proud of you.”
there was no way his keen was hidden this time. “d-didn’t do anything, hyung—”
“did so. you made it through, even though it was tough. hyung’s proud.”
jungkook hid his face in his pillow again, trying to cover up his shaky breaths. “th-thank—thanks.”
“course, bunny. i mean it, sleep well for me, okay?”
jungkook nodded once, moving the pillow just enough to blink at him sleepily when jin didn’t give his usual goodbye before hanging up. jin was just—looking at him, something unreadable under all the bubbles.
“hyung, ah—hyung’s coming home soon.”
jungkook froze, staring at him.
jin let out a nervous titter. “in a couple weeks. i landed a part in—in a drama, just a little one, but enough to, ah. to move back for. i’ll be based in seoul, so—”
a million things raced through jungkook’s mind, all of them horrible. so i won’t have time to talk anymore, so we won’t be able to call like this, so there’s no point in keeping up this silly charade born out of loneliness, so—
“so i really want to see you.”
jin was staring at him, and jungkook stared back. “hyung wants to see me?”
jin’s shoulders relaxed, giving him a soft smile that matched his soft eyes. “yeah. i really do. i want to—ah, jungkookie.”
“you want to what?” jungkook lifted his chin, feeling bold.
“i want to hug you. to—to cuddle you. braid your hair.” he ducked his face under the faucet for longer than necessary and when he finally emerged, his cheeks were stained pink. “you can—say no, if you—”
“i want to see you,” jungkook interrupted. he was wide awake now, the thought of seeing jin, being around jin, being touched by jin sending thrilled-nervous-excited-terrified butterfly-flutters through his whole body. “i-if you—if you mean it. i want to see you.”
“what about—ah, could i hug you, kook-ah? i really—”
jungkook nodded, hair flopping over his eyes before he impatiently pushed it back. “i want—i want that.”
“okay,” jin breathed. “then—i will. in two weeks. i will.”
-
it had been in a fit of loneliness and desperation that jungkook had written out some anonymous post on a website full of other lonely and desperate people he’d found through lonely and desperate searches for how to fix it. he hadn’t expected any sort of response - none of the other posts seemed to get many either, other than the occasional same or more infrequent it’ll get better.
he’d been alone in seoul for an entire year at that point. he’d saved up enough to move out of his hometown, out of sight of peers who had known him almost his entire life, out of touch of family who had known him the rest. they hadn’t said more than ten words to him since he graduated and got his own rundown apartment, other than to tell him he was off their phone plan or to get the rest of his shit out of their house before they threw it away.
he let them throw it away. he couldn’t face his parents again, not after everything he had grown up with - especially not after they’d come across a stupid love letter he’d written and never given to his only friend at the time. he was glad he didn’t, even if it meant his parents had found it. he’d come out to his friend after that and, all at once, he was entirely alone.
he’d never been good at making friends, but he realized just how dismal he was at it when he was trying to start fresh. no one seemed to want to keep him, not when he couldn’t go out to eat because he couldn’t afford it or go out to bars without having an anxiety attack in the crowd or without finding out he was gay and ghosting him immediately.
even when he met people at queer bars he forced himself to go to, they didn’t stick around. after a failed attempt at hooking up with a pretty boy that ended with him alone and shaking in the bathroom as the guy slammed his front door, he stopped trying.
that was the last time he was touched.
but when he posted on that site, thinking he was screaming at no one, sobbing in an empty room, someone answered.
that someone was in the same boat, he’d said. he’d moved to the states for work and felt just as lonely in la as jungkook did in seoul. he couldn’t keep friends, couldn’t find people to be with, couldn’t let himself be touched by anyone that wasn’t a professional he worked with. a model, jungkook learned later, moved by unfamiliar and uncaring hands that left him feeling emptier than he would have if no one touched him at all.
they exchanged emails through quick comments that were deleted before anyone else could see them, and just like that, jungkook found the most important person in his life.
-
“what would you do if you were here?” jungkook had asked him over the phone once, before going wide-eyed and frantically clarifying, “not—like that, not like that, i mean—i just—”
jin laughed. “i know what you mean,” he assured softly.
“and you don’t have t-to answer, sorry—”
“jungkook,” jin clicked his tongue, warmth in his voice. “let hyung talk. i’d—i’d pet your hair.”
“you’d—?”
“i’d pet your hair. it looks—it looked really soft, in that selca you sent. i like—i like soft things.”
jungkook was quiet for a moment. “i don’t think anyone’s ever done that to me.”
“could you pretend?” jin rushed, like he’d had to force it out before it was lost forever. “like—just—pet it. and pretend it was me.”
jungkook hesitated before reaching up, but as soon as he touched his head, trying to imagine jin instead of himself, tears welled in his eyes. “oh.”
“are you doing it?”
“y-yeah. is that—is that all?”
“course not,” jin said. “let me—” jungkook heard rustling in the background as jin adjusted. he had to be on his bed, jungkook thought. jin was in an apartment almost as small as jungkook’s own, he’d said. no furniture but a bed and dresser and a table in the kitchenette. “okay. i’d—i’d hug you. obviously.”
“obviously,” jungkook mumbled. he wove his fingers through his hair, resting his hand comfortably, pretending it was jin was touching him fondly. “h-how?”
“like—” jin went silent.
“hyung?” jungkook asked, and jin hyung wants to video call popped up on his screen.
he pressed hang up as soon as he saw it before flailing, pulling his hair accidentally, rushing to video call him back.
“sorry!” he said, looking at jin with wide eyes.
jin was red-faced and let out a shaky breath. “no, i’m sorry, i should have asked before.”
“i just—panicked, i’m sorry.”
“we don’t have to—” jin started.
jungkook shook his head quickly; now that he’d seen jin, moving jin, real time jin, proof that he exists jin, jungkook never wanted to go back. “i-i don’t mind. i—” he lifted his chin. he and jin had both been working on want lately. “i want to.”
jin let out another shaky breath, clearly relieved. “okay. i want to, too.”
they stared at each other for a long moment. with anyone else, jungkook would have melted with embarrassment, self-consciousness seeping through his very bones. but it was his hyung. his jin. his jin-hyung who understood.
jin cleared his throat abruptly, shifting on his bed. “i—i wanted to show what i meant.”
jungkook furrowed his brows. “what you—?”
“how i’d hug you.” his face was even redder, jungkook was sure.
“o-oh.”
“so—so this is—kind of a tutorial, i guess. do you have a pillow?”
jungkook nodded slowly, grabbing one from the foot of his bed.
“okay. so—so i’d—” jin let out a quiet yell, throwing his head back. “jungkook-ah, this is embarrassing, i can’t give—a play-by-play. look, just do what hyung does, okay?”
he didn’t wait for an answer before pulling his own pillow into his lap, crossing his legs and tucking the pillow under his chin, wrapping his arms around it.
“like—this, kind of.”
“okay,” jungkook said, furrowing his brows as he mirrored him.
“but—okay, so there are two options, i can’t pick the one i like best, so—”
“am i not too heavy?” jungkook worried. “i’m heavy, hyung, i don’t want to squish you—”
“i want to be squished,” he said firmly. “okay, so, first option—first option is this, you’re—” he gestured in front of him, “you’re looking this way, maybe we’re watching a movie or something. i can—i can rub your tummy if we do this, uh—”
“my tummy?” jungkook’s lips quirked without his say so. “hyung wants to rub my tummy?”
“let hyung talk!” jin huffed, even redder than before.
jungkook smiled, hiding his face in the pillow. he pressed an experimental kiss to it, imagining, once again, jin’s touch.
“that’s another thing,” jin said, kissing his pillow, too. “i can do that. it’s very—it’s cute. and i think it’d be comfy. the second option—”
jungkook sat up straighter, expecting to have to move, but jin just held the pillow closer.
“you’re on my lap but—facing the other way. so you’re chin’s on my shoulder. and your legs—” he gestured vaguely, “they’re—around me. and i—i can just. hold you. like this.”
jungkook stared, too enchanted by the very words to even imagine what it would be like.
“so,” jin said after a too-long moment of silence. “those are the options.”
“both?” he suggested quietly. “i like—i like both, hyung.”
jin nodded once. “so—both. i’ll do both.”
jungkook couldn’t contain himself all at once, squeezing the pillow as tightly as he could, shaking with the effort and the pure feeling coursing through him. it was another reason he could never keep friends, he thought—happiness overtook him when it came, overwhelming and too much to keep in. people didn’t like when he jumped or shook or did whatever he could to get the happiness to surround him. but jin—when he looked at jin, he was smiling widely, eyes crinkled, hands flexing on his own pillow. jin didn’t mind.
“i wanna hug you, too, hyung,” he said. “i don’t have any specifics in mind yet. i just want to hold you.”
jin hid his face, nodding. “i want that, too.”
“good,” jungkook said. “good.”
“one day i will,” jin promised.
jungkook nodded even if he wasn’t sure he believed him. “kay. please.”
-
the time difference between seoul and la could have been worse, but it was certainly not good. between work and sleep, there were very few hours that they were both available, especially considering jin tended to wake up just after jungkook had gone to sleep. it was fine, jungkook thought, except when it wasn’t.
i cant sleep, he’d messaged jin at one am. he had a shift at six and he felt dread steadily building in his stomach, doing the math of just how long he had until he had to wake up every other minute. it was eight in the morning jin’s time, but he hadn’t gotten home til four after a work thing, and jungkook certainly didn’t expect a response.
but i havent slept came just a moment later.
jungkook didn’t think before pressing call. “hyung,” he chided when jin picked up; they could barely see each other in their dark rooms, but even the shift of jin’s just-visible outline was comforting enough.
“kookie,” jin imitated his whine and jungkook could hear his exaggerated pout. “you can’t sleep either.”
“yeah, but—” jungkook huffed. “yeah, i guess so.”
after a moment of silence, jin let out a little laugh. “did you call just to scold me?”
“yeah,” he said. “but if i scold you more, you’ll scold me right back.”
“no, i won’t. you usually sleep well, baby, is something on your mind?”
baby, jungkook short circuited. baby. baby. baby.
“kook?”
“baby,” he blurted.
he wondered if jin short circuited, too. it took him a long moment to answer. “baby. well?”
“n-no. just—just can’t. honey.”
jin snorted. “i don’t think that fits me.”
“maybe you’re baby and i’m honey.”
“you’re bunny. i don’t have to be anything, though. i just—i just like calling you—mm.”
“you haven’t before.”
“well—not—not out loud, i guess.”
jungkook shivered. “not out loud?”
“i mean—when you send selcas and stuff, i just—ah, i can’t help but think pretty baby, you know, stuff—stuff like that.”
jungkook shivered again, hugging his pillow tightly. “hyung thinks i’m pretty?”
jin clicked his tongue. “well—yeah. of course i do. you’re the prettiest.”
“except for hyung,” jungkook said. it was—joking, mostly. they loved talking about how handsome jin was, though jungkook meant it much more seriously than he thought jin did.
“including hyung,” jin dismissed. “the prettiest.”
“hyung,” jungkook laughed almost nervously. “i’m blushing—”
jin spluttered. “well, i am too!”
“why?” he giggled.
“because—because i’m talking to a pretty boy, that’s why!”
“i talk to you every day and i don’t always blush!”
jin was quiet for a moment. “you think i’m pretty?”
“well—well. yeah? i say so all the time.”
“yeah, but—so do i.”
“hyung’s pretty,” jungkook said. he rubbed his cheek on the bed, imagining jin’s pink cheeks. “i—we’re both sleepy, hyung. i feel like—i feel like we couldn’t say this to each other without dying normally.”
“well—i don’t feel like dying. i feel like telling you you’re pretty. and it’s time for the pretty bunny to go to sleep.”
“it’s time for pretty hyung to go to sleep, too,” he argued. “it’s really time for you.”
“would—maybe—maybe let’s stay on call? i think i’d sleep better with you.” he sounded shy and it melted jungkook’s heart.
“that sounds nice,” he said quietly. “but—but no more talking, okay? just—just sleeping. together.”
“y-yeah,” he breathed. “yeah. deal.”
their schedules didn’t match up enough to sleep together more than that, but—it started something. jin would wake up just a little bit earlier and jungkook would go to bed just a little bit later so they could call, spending a sliver of time together. jin would sing him to sleep sometimes; sometimes jungkook would mumble about his day to get jin out of bed. sometimes they would hug their respective pillows, pretend they were hugging each other, and feel just a little more right than they had the moment before.
-
“we can’t,” jin said solemnly, his video pixely on the airport wifi. “i’ll cry. we can’t.”
jungkook nodded vehemently, laptop on the counter as he made breakfast. “absolutely. we’ll both cry. we’ll wait til we get to mine and then we can cry in peace.”
“right,” jin agreed. “so—so i’ll see you. in twelve hours. and we’ll—it’s a business transaction. we’ll—we’ll bow to each other and sit one seat apart on the subway and when we get into your apartment—”
“we’ll nap together all day and i can hold your hands and you can braid my hair. not at the same time.”
“not at the same time,” jin glanced up as a voice came over the speakers. “i’m boarding. so—i’ll see you in—in twelve hours. and in thirteen—”
“twelve hours,” jungkook agreed. “and in thirteen.”
they had gone their whole lives without seeing each other. he could do twelve hours.
they had gone their whole lives without touching. maybe he could do thirteen.
“okay,” jin took a deep breath. “okay. hyung has to go.”
“okay. come home well, hyung. i-i love you.”
jin looked at him with as much seriousness as he could muster, phone held too close to his face. “i love you, jungkook. i’ll see you soon.”
-
they crashed together as soon as they could. they’d seen each other clear across the concourse, locked eyes through the throng of people. it was a mutual decision, it seemed. they met in the middle, colliding in a bruising embrace, poorly hiding their tears in each other’s shoulders.
“hyung—” jungkook choked out a quiet sob, gripping his shirt. jin just nodded jerkily, arms tight around his waist. jungkook felt like he was bathing in electricity, every nerve in his body zinging in overwhelming, all-encompassing waves.
“jungkookie,” jin breathed out. he pressed a kiss, firm and unmistakable, to his cheek as he pulled back just enough to thumb away the tears from jungkook’s cheeks. “baby. i—”
jungkook kissed him, covering his lips in electricity, too. jin kissed him back, holding him close all over again.
“i wanna fall asleep doing that,” jin murmured, resting their foreheads together. “but only if you take the heaviest bag—”
jungkook laughed, delighted and probably too loud, but jin didn’t pull away. “deal.”