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"Thank you! Thank you! We've been the bad boys!" Grian cheered, his eyes shut tight to shield them from the bright stage lights. His hair was messy, sticking to his forehead and neck with sweat. His t-shirt and jacket clung too tight to his body and the music, the crowd, his heart thumping in his chest was too much. The band bowed, waved to audience members and cheered before ducking backstage.
Immediately, Grian tugged his jacket off, throwing it onto a chair in their tiny dressing room. He pulled off his mic and his bandmates were concerned he might've broken it. The blonde kicked his boots off, muttering curses before throwing them down as well. He began pacing the small space, shaking his hands and talking to himself.
"Grian?" Joel tried, only receiving a squeaky grunt in response.
Jimmy pursed his lips before stepping forward slowly, "Grian, do you need your headphones?"
The dirty blonde nodded, attempting to calm himself down but just getting more frustrated at everything. Jimmy returned with the headphones, passing them to Grian. "Gri, you should sit down."
Grian nodded, along with making a noise that almost sounded like yes but could've just been another grunt. He sunk down into the corner of the room, sliding his headphones over his ears.
Jimmy went back to Grian's bag, where he'd gotten the headphones, rummaging through for something. Joel felt totally useless. He'd seen Grian in similar situations before but the other usually just hid in his room until he felt better and would only let Jimmy in.
"Hey, uh, Jim. Can I do anything to help?" Joel tapped the blonde's shoulder.
"Could you get Grian some cold water, please?" Jimmy pulled out a small stack of cards that Joel had only seen a few times and he had no clue what they were.
Jimmy settled down infront of Grian, passing him the cards and staying silent and Grian rocked himself. Joel got one of the bottles of water from their cooler and put it down beside Grian before sitting next to Jimmy.
Grian kept his eyes screwed shut, holding his knees and rocking. After a few minutes, Grian slowed and Jimmy spoke up. "Gri, can you tell us what's going on?"
Grian began looking through the cards before placing a few down. Overwhelmed, too noisy, hot, upset.
"Okay... is there anything we can do to help or do you just need some time to calm down?"
Grian looked deep in thought, biting his bottom lip so hard Joel thought it might bleed. Then, Grian picked out another two cards and placed it down before putting his hands out for the two of them.
Stay please.
Jimmy slowly took Grian's hand, staying silent. Joel did the same, feeling a sudden surge of protectiveness.
Whatever was happening was something Grian had only ever trusted Jimmy with. This was the thing that made Grian spend days in his room, with only Jimmy allowed to come in. This was the thing that made Jimmy hold Grian's hand when movies were loud or gigs were hot, loud and bright... and finally, Grian felt able to share it with him.
The trio sat like that for a little while, Grian visibly relaxing and soon being able to offer some semblance of a smile to them.
"You ready to pack up?" Jimmy asked hesitantly, his voice soft and quiet and so full of care.
Grian nodded, letting go of their hands and slowly standing. He glanced at the water bottle Joel had grabbed for him and took a few sips from it, offering Joel a grateful look before beginning to pack up his belongings. All three were grateful his microphone wasn't damaged.
For the next few days, Grian remained silent. It was strange, Joel having always known Grian to be loud and boisterous. However, Joel was grateful for the communication cards, mainly the ones Grian would show Jimmy that made the blonde huff and splutter.
Grian's headphones were replaced by something called 'ear defenders'. They were bulky and red and decorated in little cat stickers that looked like gifts from Scar (their neighbour that apparently Grian had known for a few years before they'd moved in.)
Jimmy had explained that they worked better than regular noise cancelling headphones and were more comfortable for Grian. Other than that, Joel was mostly left in the dark as to what had happened and why Grian was acting this way.
Joel didn't mind. He just hoped Grian was okay. Plus, he wasn't opposed to Grian occasionally latching onto him... Grian was never usually one for physical affection so it made Joel quite happy (he just wished the circumstances were better.)
After a week, Grian exited his room in the morning wearing just his regular headphones. He greeted Joel with a quiet good morning while grabbing some bread to toast.
"Hey, Gri- Gri, you're talking again?" Joel tried not to raise his voice in joy or excitement, so as not to stress his friend out again.
"Yeah... a bit." The conversation ended there, despite Joel's many questions he wanted answered. That could wait.
The pair ate breakfast in comfortable silence, occasionally sharing casual conversation. Joel noticed how Grian's voice was hoarse from lack of use and also just how much he'd missed hearing it. He made the pair of them some fancy herbal tea with honey. Joel didn't understand why, but it always helped his sore throats. He made a mental note to ask Jimmy about what was in these teas.
"Here... for your poor throat." Joel smiled kindly to Grian, receiving a bright smile before he began to sip the too hot tea (Grian didn't seem to mind though.)
About ten minutes later, Grian spoke up. "You... probably have a lot of questions..." his voice was less scratchy, but still wavered nervously.
"I do but I also don't wanna stress you out... so take your time."
Grian took a deep breath before continuing, "What do you want to ask first?"
"Uh... I guess... like what made you- why were you all... quiet?" Joel cringed. He'd known what he wanted to ask, he'd gone over it so many times in his head and yet now when he actually got a chance to ask... it felt almost wrong.
"Well... uh, after the show I was having a meltdown but I tend to- meltdowns make me even more exhausted and so as soon as I get away from what's causing the overwhelming feelings I just shut down instead."
"So, like, the lights and your boots?"
"And the noise. And the mic. And the jacket." Grian laughed slightly. "Uh... I have autism, I'm autistic, however you wanna say it. I- most people don't know because I mask quite well, and I have low support needs... I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago. When you and Jimmy first met and I was AWOL."
"Was that why you were... like... nowhere to be found?" Joel laughed a bit.
"Uh... kind of. It was weird. I was busy, very busy, and then I overworked myself into burnout. And... when Jimmy and I last saw each other some stuff had happened, not really like bad stuff, just a lot of stuff." Grian shook his head before smiling. "But in that time I got diagnosed and sort of began avoiding people for longer. I only told Jimmy because like... even though we hadn't seen each other for a while we were still as close as we'd always been, y'know? So, I felt comfortable telling him. I- I wanted to tell you, and I didn't think you'd react badly or anything but it just never felt right?"
"I get it. I mean, I don't get it but I get it. Uh so... I have a few more questions?"
"Shoot."
"So, you were a little more affectionate during the last week. Is that related to how you were feeling?"
"Kind of, yeah. I get- I'm always more affectionate when I'm mute, because I find it hard to show I care. And when I get overwhelmed and someone helps me I am very appreciative and it's like... some kind of secret friendship thing. Like, Scar can probably count the amount of hugs I've given him on one hand."
Joel snorted, "Dude, I could've before this week!"
The pair fell into a comfortable silence over their drinks. Soon though, Jimmy came out of his room with bedhead and a slouch.
"Morning." He grumbled, heading straight for their coffee pot.
"Barely." Grian snorted, motioning towards their clock now reading 11:30, and ignoring the fact that he and Joel had only had breakfast an hour earlier.
Jimmy instinctively stuck his tongue out at Grian before standing straight. "Grian!-" He quickly softened his voice, "Grian, you're feeling better?"
Grian gave a curt nod before sipping his tea. "I've explained pretty much everything to Joel... so uh yeah."
Joel smiled a tiny bit while he sipped his own drink. He really did feel like he'd grown closer to Grian, being trusted with something Grian clearly tried to keep hidden from many people in his life.
A few hours later, the apartment in a comfortable silence, Joel sat up from where he was hunched over his laptop (definitely not researching autism.) "Oh uh- Grian?"
"Yes, Joel Beans?" Grian took off his headphones and put down his knitting, but still fiddled with a fidget cube he had on the table beside him.
"Should we try and figure out ways we can make gigs easier on you? So as they're less overwhelming."
"That... isn't a terrible idea." Grian perked up, as did Jimmy.
"Um..." Joel got up a new Google doc and placed his laptop between the three of them. "We can make a list. Like uh, you said the jacket was one of the things that stressed you out? Do you know what about it was so bad?"
Grian sat himself beside Joel, closer than usual, "I think it was the texture of the leather, especially after I started getting sweaty and it stuck to me even more."
Joel typed up notes about what about the jacket had triggered Grian. "Um... so maybe if you didn't have a jacket?" the idea made Grian cringe, "Or, maybe a different material?"
"Could it be denim? It's a lot nicer than leather and still looks cool..."
Joel and Jimmy both grinned and nodded. "Definitely." Joel wrote on a list 'get G a denim jacket (that is as cool as he is)'.
They continued for about an hour and ended up with quite a useful list:
- get G a denim jacket (that is as cool as he is)
- wear ear plugs or defenders on stage
- (prescription) sunglasses
- do smaller, chiller gigs (i think they're called intimate gigs?)
- Joel leading shows instead
- insoles for boots, softer socks
- remember to bring water onto stage with us >:(
"So, is that all good?" Joel glanced over at Grian but tensed. "G?"
Grian was quietly crying, chewing on his sleeve and sniffling. His headphones were back on now as well. Before Joel could panic, Grian attached himself to Joel and began thanking him profusely. Jimmy came up behind Grian so that both of them were holding him, letting him dissolve into sobs of appreciation and joy.
When he finally began to calm down, he rested his cheek on Joel's shoulder and spoke, "Thank you both... I've been so worried that I- that I ruined everything. That my autism would get in the way and you guys would like... resent or leave me."
"You can't get rid of us that easily." Jimmy giggled, squeezing Grian carefully. "Wanna stay like this or do you need us to let go?"
"Please stay."
So they did.