Chapter Text
(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)
"I'm not a veterinarian. I'm Gentler Phil Coulson, with Saving Helpless Innocent Experimental Laboratory Denizens," the man in the business suit said to the harried looking red-headed woman barring the way to a fenced in compound surrounding a small cement block building.
"That's quite a mouthful."
"I know. We're working on it," he said with a smile.
"You know, I've been approached already by Animal Control, the ASPCA, PETA..."
"We're a separate division with a more specific focus. We need to debrief the animals about the circumstances of their escape."
"What?" the woman said, looking totally confused.
"Sorry. I mean that most of the other escapees from Stane's Lab have been destroyed by government agents. They're not far behind me, with writs and armed officers. Either you let me take the animals into protective custody, or they'll be shot right before your eyes."
"Oh, God... the bullet holes," she said softly.
"Please?" Phil said.
"All right, I'm going to take a chance and trust you. My name is Pepper Potts. I was Mr. Stane's assistant, but when I saw what he was doing to Tony... I just couldn't stand by any longer."
"Tony?"
"If you can handle Tony, you can probably manage anything." She smiled and unlocked the gate. "I'll get him. Don't make any sudden moves."
Phil nodded. He was relieved when she returned with a fluffy black, blue-eyed kitten purring in her arms. "That's Tony?" he said raising his hand to pet the adorably fluffy little head.
"No!" Pepper shouted as the kitten turned into a spitting, flying armored missile.
Phil threw a catnip mouse, which was blasted into fluff in seconds, and then drew his secret weapon. "I'm going to tease you!" he said and turned on his laser pointer, aiming it at the building. Tony flew after the dot for several minutes, then apparently sucked the armor back into his fur, sat down and began washing his face. Phil blinked and turned off the pointer. "Excitable, isn't he?"
Tony fell over and went to sleep. Pepper picked him up again. "Congratulations. Back up your van and help me load the others."
Phil nodded and obeyed, then opened the rear doors of the black, unmarked van, and lowered the ramp. "Would you like to come with me, at least at first, until the animals get to know me?"
Pepper gave him a look. "If you think I'm letting Tony out of my sight, you're mistaken. He's my Howard's last surviving kitten. I think Stane killed Howard. He was such a sweetheart, just like Tony."
Phil noticed Tony's eyes were opened to slits, staring at him, and his razor-sharp claws were extended. "Yes, I see," he said, dryly.
Pepper went into the building again and returned leading two animals on leashes, a large, golden Angora goat, and a cute pot-bellied pig. She introduced the goat as Thor and the pig as Bruce. "Whatever you do, don't get Bruce angry," she said, petting him behind his adorably fuzzy ears.
"Does he grow armor and lasers, too?"
"No, he turns into a thousand pound wild boar. You would not believe how high he can jump." Pepper picked up the stubby legged pig and helped him follow the goat into the van. Tony had somehow wedged himself inside her blouse and was purring into her bra. Phil politely pretended not to notice.
"Oh, god, I hear sirens!" Pepper ran back to the building (Phil was astonished at how quickly she could run considering how high her heels were) and flung the doors open. "Steve! Bring Tasha and Clint!"
A huge, glorious Golden Retriever bounded out, carrying a brightly colored Frisbee in his jaws. A reddish ferret and a spider monkey clung to his back. The spider monkey was holding a crossbow. The dog woofed as it passed Pepper, tossing the frisbee up and catching it. The kitten spat at him. The dog wagged his tail and leaped into the van seconds before Pepper slammed the doors shut.
"That all of them?" Phil asked as he headed for the driver's seat, with Pepper running around the other side to get to the passenger side.
"No! I forgot Fury!" A raven flew out of the open door and landed on Phil's shoulder. Pepper leaned out of the van and shouted, "That's Fury!"
The raven had only one eye, but that eye was intelligent enough for two. "Get this motherfuckin' van moving!" the bird shouted.
"Yes, sir," Phil said, jumping in and flooring the accelerator, with Fury clinging to his shoulder and muttering curses. Tony popped out of Pepper's blouse, braced his front legs against the dash and meowed happily. Phil decided he loved his job.
