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Everything felt so heavy lately.
Sun Wukong was aware that he was a stone monkey, that his limbs would naturally feel heavy, but the heavy feeling seemed to be so much worse. He didn’t feel the heaviness just in his limbs, he felt it seemingly everywhere.
Every dawn he awakes, his eyelids felt so heavy, as if there was a force keeping the close. He had no strength to open them unless it was absolutely necessary. He’d just rest on his bed, feeling the sun rays on his face, seeing the light behind his eyelids, tinting his vision slightly red. Sweat would trickle down his face as he couldn’t stand the everlasting heat of the sun combined with the heavy blankets weighting down on his body, but he was too tired to move.
So, he would just lie there as if he were being cooked alive. He would cry in discomfort in his head, but he made no sound. One could mistake him with a statue. Misery would drown him as he felt the burn on his skin, his lungs puffing under the heat.
Eventually he’d gain the strength to open his eyes, blinding his eyes temporarily as usual. He’d feel shame burning in gut every morning, he was a fool for not having the strength for a simple action as opening your eyes. It put extra weight on his heart, burdening it even more.
His eyes would burn as they came in direct contact with the blinding sun that shone brightly outside the little window of his hut, but he never turned his head away. He didn’t want to. No matter how hard his eyes cried out to him, how wet the soft silk pillow under him became. The rise of his chest to take his first conscious breath of the day was tiring. It felt like with every breath he took, the harder it became to breath.
Sometimes it felt like somebody placed a cannonball on his chest, crushing him.
His vision was blurry, nausea was paying him a nice visit this morning. His eyelids drooped again as his breath became shallower. He could hear his heart beating in his chest, it sounded so heavy. It was a slow but strong beat, as if his cold stone heart was giving everything it had to circulate the blood in his body. Wukong wouldn’t be surprised if it did.
Everything he did these says seemed so hard, everything sapped energy from him.
Wukong’s head lolled to the side like a boulder, it was heavy. His eyebrow shot up slightly when he saw the numbers on the clock of his phone, but his expression didn’t change much from its original exhaustion.
If someone saw him, they’d probably declare him dead. He was unmoving, black expression on his face. One could only tell he was alive by the fighting of his heart, and the exhaustion in his dull golden eyes. Luckily for Wukong, nobody was here.
His lungs forced him to take another deep breath, fighting to stay alive.
Wukong cynically laughed to himself. How could one be so tired, they forgot the simple motion of breathing? It was something the body usually did automatically, but nothing seemed to work anymore. Everything seemed so bleak and difficult these days, it weighted on his mind.
With a soft groan, Wukong lifted his head from the pillow. Pathetically, he dropped down again as his eyes closed from the soft impact. His eyes did not burn from the sun, but from the tears that threatened to escape. He breathed deeply through his nose, trying to keep himself steady. Mentally and physically.
He gave it another go, quickly shoving his stone heavy limbs behind his back to push himself upright. He panted from exhaustion as he leaned against the headboard of his bed. His eyes were closed once more as he regained his breath, head tilted up towards the ceiling as he rested it against the headboard.
How embarrassing.
The though burned in his mind. Although, it didn’t bother him as much as it used to. The heavy feeling in his body was such a common occurrence these days, it felt natural, normal. He almost didn’t remember the days that felt light. That his light-hearted laugh lit up the room, others always joining in with him as they joked. Now whenever he laughed, it felt heavy and tainted. Nobody laughed with him, he didn’t receive joining laughter anymore, only stares of either anger, or pity.
He felt the sensation of a lone tear travelling down his face. It went as fast as it came, dropping on his bedsheets that he still didn’t remove, even though he felt like he was overheating. His heart sank slightly, but he didn’t even know why. Nothing terrible had happened, but he still felt like this almost every morning.
His head lolled around a bit as he looked around. His head felt so heavy as his vision spun. He swallowed as he pushed the heavy blankets of his body and shivered as he was met with the cold breeze of the mountain. He didn’t pull back the blankets, he felt a bit lighter without them, colder.
He swung his legs off the bed as he sat on the side. It didn’t take long before he fell back again. Now he was sprawled on the bed again as the sun hit his face once more. The heat on his face willed him to move again. He needed a cold shower or something, something refresh himself with.
The thought of cold water made his lips feel dry, only now realizing how dry his mouth felt. Perhaps a glass of water first, and then a shower. Wukong threw his arms forward as he heaved himself up again, steading his upper body before it would fall over again. Now came the hard part.
His legs.
He glared at his legs through tired, swollen eyes. As if that would get them to move, he scoffed at himself. His glare burned, his heart burned, his eyes burned, the nerves in his legs burned, but nothing willed them to move. Wukong was on the verge of tears yet again as he clenched in pyjama pants in frustration.
How pathetic.
He released the tension from his shoulders as he gave up. Maybe if he waited a bit they would work?
He swallowed back his tears as the glare melted off his face. As the tension in his shoulders released, he felt the incredible weigh placed back on his shoulders. He almost cried out at the pain of it, even though there was nothing there.
Nothing was there in the first place!!
How come everything felt so heavy?
How come it took him multiple hours to simply get up out of bed? How come his stone limbs felt heavier each day? Everything little thing exhausted him these days, thinking about this even exhausted him.
Every little feeling he felt, no matter if it was positive or negative his heart burned away. He just felt a burn in his chest, clogging up everything making it heavier and heavier. Every memory weighted him down.
Every responsibility weighted down on his shoulders. He missed the days he was a carefree young monkey, so innocent in a new world. How he longed for those days. How he berated himself for achieving such greatness and power. The responsibility he now had to carry for each terrible choice he made wasn’t worth it. He had wanted to achieve true happiness by gaining power, but he only drove the ones he loved away. He hurt them.
Even painful truth weighted down on his heart. Every time he thought about the true feelings of the people around him towards him made his heart feel heavier. Some of them hated him, he understood that, but it hurt, nonetheless. Some of them loved him so much, he couldn’t understand why they would love such a tainted soul like his. They’d only hurt themselves by surrounding themselves with him. It was a truth he long ago accepted. Why he isolated himself in the past, and even now. He was dangerous.
Every painful lie weighted down on his mind. He fought tooth a nail to keep certain things from everyone. His thoughts, his feelings, his dreams, the things the longed the most, his worst fears. Anything vulnerable. His entire life had already been documented, out there for everyone to read. Everyone could read about his worst moments, about his best moments. Everyone knew already so much about him, while he knew nothing about them. But, for someone whose whole life story was out there, Wukong impressively still locked away so many secrets.
All that combined made it feel so incredibly heavy.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to carry it anymore, but it’s not like that mattered. Even if he didn’t want to, he must carry it for all eternity, for he was immortal. There was nothing he could do to relieve himself. Some say sharing burdens relieve them, but Wukong is a coward.
He is not a generally well-liked person. Sure, millions of people looked up to his legend. So many adored him, loved his stories etc. It didn’t matter to Wukong. The people who knew him on a personal level, the ones that knew him the best, loathed him. Any weakness they could get their hands on, they’d exploit. They would take such pleasure seeing The Great Sage finally crumble at their hands. They would feel powerful and satisfied for taking down such a powerful being.
They didn’t know they already had.
Wukong’s chest pressed another puff of air out of him as he pushed himself on his jelly legs, even if they were made of stone. His knuckles turned white from the iron grip he had on his bed sheets, desperately not trying to fall over. Feelings of shame burned in his chest once more.
He locked his eyes with the kitchen door as he pulled his legs behind him. He slowly strolled towards the kitchen, making himself a cold glass of water. He gulped it down greedily, unaware of his thirst. As the water hit his tung, clarity came to his mind. His brain seemed to finally make some productive thoughts instead of those miserable ones he felt all morning.
It was also when he remembered the numbers on the clock he saw in the bedroom. He has seen how late it was, but it hadn’t been progressed. Now, he felt slight panic as he realised it was already 2 pm! He was supposed to meet his energetic successor in less than an hour. Adrenaline pumped in his body as he slow walked towards the shower.
As the freezing water hit his body, he finally woke up. All the sweat from the sun and blankets washed away, and so did his morning thoughts. He washed away all his feelings, all his doubt, all those unwanted insecurities, freezing them inside his heart.
He could always freeze everything away, but he never burned It away. It would never truly go away. It would always boil inside of him. Wukong thinks nothing could extinguish the flame of self-hatred within him, but if he could temporarily freeze it every morning, it’s fine.
He knew the ice would melt when dusk would brake, but that didn’t matter.
He quickly dried himself off, put on his usual clothes and sat down on the porch where he would meet MK in a few minutes. He leaned his upper body against one of the wooden balks as he closed his eyes for a bit. He could finally take in the sounds of his happy monkey’s, of the birds chirping, of the gentle wind that rattled the leaves of the trees and the petals of the flowers. He could finally close his eyes and listen to the calming sounds of nature, instead of the thought that swarmed it head.
He smiled softly as he heard a small monkey approach him. He opened his eyes as saw a group of little monkeys in front of him, each of them presenting a fresh peach to him. His heart warmed at the gesture, he was lucky to have them.
‘’Good morning, Grandpa Sun!’’ They chorused happily as they placed the peaches in the bowl next to Wukong before jumping on his head and shoulders. A small laughed bubbled out of Wukong’s chest as the little ones pulled at his clothes and fur.
‘’Good morning, little ones’’ He greeted back, his voice soft as he took one of the peaches and bit into it. The heavenly flavours instantly brightened his mood a bit, pushing the dark thought even further away in his mind, for now.
‘’What’s on the agenda for you, hm?’’ Wukong asked with a slight tease in his voice, his boisterous personality bleeding into his voice, the one they were so used to. One of the monkey’s clapped her hands excitedly while the others laughed with her. Wukong felt his heart melt at their childish spirits, their little laughs, he loved them so much. He’ll always be eternally grateful that his troop stuck with him.
‘’We found this new lake, Grandpa! We’re going to explore it today!’’ The little one excitedly told him, the others cheering in agreement, making the King laugh. He grabbed the little monkey off his head he lifted her in front of his face.
‘’You found a new lake, huh?’’ He said with his trademark smile. ‘’I bet your parents would be so proud of your exploring skills’’ The little girl in his hands laughed as she kissed Wukong’s forehead, thanking him for the compliment before climbing onto his head again. Wukong momentarily froze at the sweet gesture but covered it up with a laugh.
‘’Grandpa Sun?’’ A monkey suddenly dangled upside down in front of Wukong’s face, slightly startling the King. ‘’Is MK coming today?’’ He asked excitedly.
‘’Hmmmm’’ Wukong smiled mischievously as he teased the little ones a bit. He knew how much they loved seeing the kid. He was happy they liked him.
‘’Pleaseeeeeeeee??’’ The littles ones chorused, the small eyes wide with excitement.
‘’I think he does’’ Wukong smiled softly as he saw the monkey children cheer. He breathed heavily, sudden heaviness attacking his heart once more, but not the good kind. Wukong hated himself for feeling down at a moment like this. His monkeys were happy, MK was coming to train today, they were going to have a fun day. Why wasn’t he happy?
Unknowing frustration bloomed in his chest.
‘’Now, now’’ Wukong tutted. ‘’He first needs to train alright? Then you may play with him, okay?’’’
The little ones nodded excitedly before they scurried off to go play at their new-found lake somewhere on the mountain. Wukong only silently hoped it wasn’t too far, that they were safe. But the children were tough, they could manage.
The wind blew though his hair as a melancholy feeling suddenly overwhelmed him. His eyes were prickling again, his shoulders seemed to weight more than they usually would. With the feeling, his frustration bubbled again. What was wrong with him?!
He couldn’t resist the frown that made it’s way on his way, his jaw set in anger.
He was feeling more and more frustrated with himself, with this... feeling! Everyday it grew stronger and stronger. Today, he couldn’t douse away his wildfire of anger with some ice-cold water. The fire inside him he had ignored to long, was now licking the surface of his skin, waiting to burst out.
Small beats of sweat broke out on his forehead again. His breathing became more rapid again. His overworked heart was practically slamming against his chest, it hurt. Slight panic bloomed as he swallowed his fear. He pressed a now trembling hand against his forehead, his stomach sinking as he felt the heat radiate of it. His hand was now slightly wettened by the sweat on his forehead, as well as the sweat it was producing themselves.
MK was supposed to come here any second! This couldn’t be happening to him now! Not now…
‘’Hey Monkey King!!’’
Oh no
Get your act together. 3, 2, 1...
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