Chapter Text
Trent invites Ted for dinner two days before Ted’s flight to Kansas. Drives over there and they walk to the restaurant together, talking about anything and everything. The advance copy of Trent’s book is heavy in his bag while Ted apologizes once again that he won’t be there for the book release; and Trent once again shakes his head and reassures him that it’s fine. More than fine he thinks to himself.
There is more to the evening than he let on in his text - ‘Let me buy you dinner before you leave’ - but he’s saving it for later; and while it has him nervous, he’s impressed with himself for being able to keep up a normal conversation through dinner, and the walk back to Ted’s flat. His hands a bit clammy and shaking with the building nerves he pushes them further into his coat pockets as they get closer and closer to the door.
“Well, this is me.” Ted says stopping next to his door and turning to Trent who just takes a moment to look at his face; letting this smiling, kind man’s face sear itself into his brain. He’s done a fair bit of looking, sneaking looks whenever Ted’s not looking his way, and yet he can’t ever get enough. His heart rate ratchets up a notch as the moment grows closer.
“I know.” He says, and looks away, busying himself with digging through his bag. “I’ve got something-” He pulls the book out with a flourish, but doesn’t hand it to Ted right away, instead holding the book tight to his chest.
“Oh, is that the book?”
“It is. I got the advance copies the other day. I signed it, hope you don’t mind.”
“Why would I mind?” Ted asks, and then smiles, Trent’s heart skips a beat at the smile.
“I need to tell you something,” he says in a rush. If he can just get it out of his system he can leave, maybe even with some dignity intact. He’d thought about writing it down, on the inside cover of the book along with his signature, hiding behind his familiar shield that is the written word. There are so many ways a conversation can go wrong he thinks, but much like his decision to tell in the first place, he knows Ted deserves to hear it from Trent’s mouth.
“I love you.” He says, sincere and like ripping a bandaid off it is out there now, hanging in the air.
“Aw, shucks, Trent.”
Ted really is the only person Trent’s ever met who would say shucks in a conversation. He can hear his ex again going, ‘That guy, really?’. And yes, much to his own surprise, that guy, really; the heart wants what the heart wants - and apparently it can still surprise you even when you’re nearing your 50’s.
“You know I-”
“Not as a friend.” Trent interrupts and the smile slips off of Ted’s face, replaced with confusion. “More like a gay man who’s been in love with you for-” he stops himself in time “- longer than I care to admit.”
He’s proud of himself for being calm and in control, he’d worried that he’d become a mess, but no; now that he’s no longer nervous and having finally gotten it off his chest it apparently means that all he can feel now is relief; and no longer having this bottled up inside of him has him breathing freely for the first time in ages.
Realization is swiftly followed by an expression Trent can’t ever remember seeing on Ted’s face before, he hopes it’s not pity. He doesn’t know if he can handle pity.
“Trent, I’m sorr-”. Apparently no luck with the pity.
Trent holds up a hand, and Ted stops speaking. Trent wonders if he always had that power, and it just never came up before because he’d never before wanted Ted to stop talking.
“Why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything.”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, even though he knows he probably needs to start talking again quickly so Ted can’t start apologizing anyway.
“I’m telling you without expecting anything from you.” He says, still not opening his eyes.
Perhaps, if he had realized sooner - if he’d realized he was gay in his twenties or even earlier, he would have learnt this already; to not fall for a straight guy with a smile that made his knees weak - but he hadn’t, and so here he stands now, not expecting anything in return. “I want it off my chest, and-” he pauses to lick his lips. “You give so much of yourself to everyone around you, Ted. You deserve to know that someone loves you, even if you can’t love them back.”
He looks back at Ted again as he speaks and Ted is looking pained; something Trent hadn’t foreseen. He had already come prepared; his confession, a hurt he’s already familiar with and not keeping it inside anymore is freeing. He knows it will keep smarting later, his heart a bleeding open wound which will take time to stitch together, but it’s also so freeing to know he can begin to move on, in time. But he did just drop this all quite unexpectedly on Ted’s head.
“Trent, if I -”
Trent knows he doesn’t want to hear this; already knows what is going to come out. He steps forward and presses the book to Ted’s chest.
“I know.” He says, surprising himself with how gentle he sounds. “You changed my life,” he says. He should take a step back, not stand this close to the man, but he can’t seem to get his feet to move backwards, doesn’t want to leave his proximity just yet.
“For the better,” he adds. “You’ve changed my life for the better.” Though anyone who knew him from before would probably ask how getting a divorce and imploding his whole career over a straight man, who’d never look at him with the same helplessness Trent feels when he looks at Ted, can be a change for the better. He knows it’s better though, despite the heartache that’s kept him up at night, he is a different man thanks to Ted, a happier man.
“Will you be alright?” Ted asks, and Trent’s heart clenches at that, but he forces a smile and finally does take that step backwards.
“I’ll be fine.” He replies. He takes another step backwards. “Good night and good bye, coach Lasso from America.”
He turns and starts walking before Ted’s goodbye, wants to get to his car and sit for a while out of sight. He’s not going to start sewing his heart back together tonight, instead he is going to sit with this ache for a little bit longer, as a reminder.