Chapter Text
It’s the beginning of November, and Sapnap just wants to leave. He wants his family, he wants his dog, he wants space, and time away from the people he sees every day. He knows it sounds selfish, it is selfish, but he can’t help but crave being alone. They take up so much of his sense of self, and he’s so grateful for it. He’s grateful that they take his mind somewhere else, grateful for their laughter, for their support. He loves Dream more than anything, and George even more than that. He can’t lose them, and he doesn’t want to. But sometimes he wishes it would all just go away.
Sometimes.
In those moments, he usually calls Karl. They’ll talk, and not talk, and lay down in their beds, thousands of miles apart. He can be quiet with Karl, and it feels nice. He likes the quiet.
Sapnap goes to the Florida beaches on cold mornings to run, the hard sand slapping against his shoes and spraying up to hit his legs. Despite everything, he misses Galveston. He sends a sunrise picture to Karl over text, his fingers rigid and stiff from the misty wind.
November narrows to a close, and he celebrates Thanksgiving with Dream and his family. It’s a welcome surprise, being invited over, and he helps Dream’s mom cook with a grin on his face. She tells him to add more sage at least four times, and swats his wrist with a kitchen towel when he won’t stop stealing devilled eggs from the fridge. The bittersweet ache for his own mother flares as she winks, and lets him lick chocolate batter from the bowl.
The dinner itself is a pretty quiet affair, all things considered, but Drista and Dream bicker enough for seven people and it makes things feel somewhat familiar. They eat turkey and stuffing and greenbean casserole, and it’s nice. Wonderful, even, with all the laughter and smiles and full bellies, but the cranberry salad is from a can and they use thick, waxy paper plates. Most of all, it isn’t home. Sapnap calls his family later that night, and falls asleep to the sound of his mom’s voice as she cleans the dishes.
December begins slowly, creeping along, lying in wait for the holiday season. It trudges by, sticky edges gripping onto the last dregs of November, the Florida heat making everything worse. He calls Karl again.
“You heading home soon?”
“Yeah. I bought a ticket like two months out. Is that bad?”
“Nah. I think it’s pretty normal, actually. Sometimes I wish I could leave North Carolina for the holidays. Just, like, get out, you know? I’d say you’re pretty lucky you’ve got that option.”
“Hmm. I guess so. I’m just jealous you can see your mom whenever you want though, lucky bastard.”
“She’s pretty dope, I know. But I’m not a Momma’s boy like you. Sap the sap is what I say. Dependent much?”
“C’mon now, fuck you.”
“Love you too, man.”
“Hey,” Sapnap pauses.
“Mm,”
“If you wanna, like, get out, you should come home with me. If you want.”
He holds his breath, waiting. He doesn’t know why he said it, but he can’t take it back now.
“You that tired?”
“No, not really. Drank coffee earlier.”
“Okay, then. Yeah, I--Okay. I’ll come home. With you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He smiles into his pillow, warmth spreading like honey in his chest.
+++
Within three days, Sapnap is getting on a plane to IAH, unloading, and finally hugging his mom. He feels heavy, tired, and oddly sad, but she rubs his back, her rings catching on the folds of his hoodie. She reads him like a book.
“Nick, honey, it’s alright.”
He breathes into her shoulder and tries to believe her.
They climb into the car and Sapnap feels quiet. He feels like Nick. So he closes his eyes, listens to his mom as she hums to 89.3, and tries his hardest not to think about Karl. Coming here. Tomorrow. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly until sunspots burst, reform, and burst again.
His room still looks the same, and that twinges something in his chest, like his family is just waiting for the day he’ll come home. He sets down his bags, sighing, and runs his fingers along the top of his desk. No dust. His mom still cleans in here. He doesn’t know why, but it nearly makes him cry.
He knocks lightly on his sister’s door, laughing slightly at the creative sign on it. No Boys Allowed, Except Papa and Frodo, it says.
“Who is it?”
“An evil monster, come to take you away!”
“Nicky!”
He can hear her little feet running to the door, grappling with the handle as she wrenches it open. Her eyes are wide and brown and her chest is heaving with excitement. He scoops her up, screaming, into his arms and twirls her around and around and around.
“Missed you μικρούλι μου.”
“You’re here! Ohmygod, yes yes yes! Mom said--”
She gasps for breath, her gappy teeth on full display.
“Mom said it would be hours!”
He hums a laugh, low, deep in his chest. Something that was quiet and smooth inside of himself awakens, breaking open and rearing its head. He feels like a starburst is exploding outwards, out of his eyes and lips and nose--he feels so, so happy. He hugs Mari close and lets her socked feet kick uselessly at his shins. She’s still breathing loudly, almost hiccuping in his ear, her bird-bone arms wrapped tightly around his neck.
There’s a dampness to his eyes that feels right, feels justified, so he lets himself breathe back, slow and slow and slow.
“Missed you bad, Mars,” He says. “Missed you real bad.”
“I’m so h-happy you’re here, really really really,” She starts to cry in earnest, and every second he’s spent away from here, from home, feels like wasted time in the face of that.
“Happy tears?” He asks. He has to make sure.
“Yea.”
“Okay,” He concedes. He can work with happy tears. “Good. Mine too.”
She laughs her Mari laugh, a sound full enough to live on, and Nick feels alright. They eventually let go, and Mari shows him her new collection of Legos, and the nail kit that Granna got for her. The carpet is soft underneath his hands as he kneels down, hinging at the ankles to accommodate his weight. His legs start to fall asleep before Mom calls them for dinner, so he stumbles a little coming downstairs.
Frodo winds around his legs impatiently, scritching at the seams of his pants with his teeth. Sapnap realizes that he misses Patches keenly, and feels warm for having done so. He checks the clock on the oven, and mentally counts down the hours until Karl arrives, feeling something like nerves at the idea. Three deep breaths later, he smiles at Frodo, pets him behind the ears, and helps set the table.
His mom says grace before they eat, but Sapnap keeps his eyes open.
+++
“Nick, honey, remember to get up early tomorrow, I want you to vacuum the stairs before Karl gets here okay?”
“Bet. Were you wanting the trees down from the garage too? I’m sure Dad and I can do it pretty fast.”
“You’re okay with that?”
“I offered, didn’t I?”
“Hmm. Get some sleep though, no Valorant. I mean it.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
He ducks his head as she swipes her fingers along his jaw. She looks older than she did a few months ago, crows’ feet gathering in bunches beside her eyes. Her mouth is softer, cheekbones harsher, and she’s only 58 but it scares him sometimes, the fact that he’s losing her in fragments. It makes him never want to leave again.
“You look more and more like your dad these days,” She says, quiet.
Sapnap just hums.
“He wanted to come to the airport, you know.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Nick,”
“I love you, Momma.” He breathes, means it. “I need to sleep though, okay?”
“He’s tryin, baby, God bless him. At least give him that.”
“Yeah.” He says. “Okay.”
He doesn’t sleep when he gets to his room, just slowly unpacks some things from his suitcase and tries to be quiet. Mari is asleep in the next room, and he doesn’t want to wake her. He can hear his brothers laughing and playing music, and he debates going to hang out with them. But he knows Jamie’s got a girlfriend now and Andy just bought Zelda--they’ve both grown so much in the time he’s been gone that it doesn’t feel right to barge in anymore.
So he pulls on a hoodie, plugs in his phone, and calls Dream.
He doesn’t answer, which shouldn’t hurt, but it kind of does. A few minutes later he gets two texts.
on way home w george
Talking rn, will call
The texts are rushed and most likely discreet, and he knows in his bones that there’s a breakthrough happening right now. He smiles, feeling for a moment like being gone is a good thing. Like there’s space to move around in, little pockets of air that give instead of take. He’s happy for them in a way that seeps into his bones and makes him warm. Happy from afar, being able to watch them circle each other, as the distance narrows and narrows.
He goes to bed thinking of birds, circling and spinning as they hunt. It's more comforting than it sounds.