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“I must say Mr Lipwig…”
“Dearheart-Lipwig” said Moist automatically.
“Yes of course, I apologize…I must say Mr. Dearheart-Lipwig that I’m very impressed with your latest achievements.”
“Thank you sir.”
“Not only have you made paying taxes a well respected-civic duty, you have also managed to find Mr. Creaser an enjoyable diversion for his retirement.” Lord Vetinari paused. “And I’m relieved to see that Miss… that your charming wife managed to entirely fail to find any 50-foot killer golems.”
Moist looked carefully at Lord Vetinari, not a hint of a smile, surely that had been a joke?
“I am just as relieved by that as you are my lord.” Moist laughed, “I admit I worried about this latest assignment, but do you know? Taxes actually seemed easy after the post office, the clacks, the bank, the mint... And whatever boredom you implied would come my way as head of the merchants’ guild, after that thing with the goats! Well, they're someone else's problem now, along with the very-nearly-gold chain.… But I suppose that I have a certain momentum at this point.”
After all this, Most thought brain still fizzing from his latest win, I could get to the point where I could… run… Moist’s face went blank with shock, the… whole… city... He stared at Havelock Vetinari who was regarding him with his usual unreadable expression “You… bastard.”
“Mr. Lipwig…”
“Dearheart-Lipwig” choked out Moist automatically. “You. Utter. Bastard. You’ve been planning this all along! What did I think you were doing? Of course you had a long-term, perfectly logical, utterly inescapable… well you can’t make me do that, I’ll see myself hanged first! Does Mr Trooper still work evenings!? We could fit me in today! Or better yet! Which door leads to the bottomless pit?” he paced the room and opened doors at random until a broom fell out of a closet and hit him on the forehead.
“Mr. Dearheart-Lipwig,” said Lord Vetinari, “That position is not vacant at this time, nor is the occupant nearing retirement. When the time comes, and I selfishly hope that it will be far off, I’m sure the powers-that-be will make a thoughtful and well considered choice as to a successor.”
“B-b-b-b-b…wh-wh-” Moist sputtered.
“But you have reminded me, I understand I must offer you and Ms. Dearheart-Lipwig my congratulations. I recently learned that Mr. Pump has taken up knitting and just this afternoon is working on a third tiny hat with a bobble on it after finishing no fewer than six pairs of booties and two baby blankets!”
Moist stared “We only just found out this week! How could you…? Bobbles? Six…?” he paused for a very long moment and stared over Vetinari’s shoulder. Then he took a slow, deep breath and visibly pulled himself together in order to meet Vetinari’s eyes. “If I’m going to do this properly, you need to show me how you do that.”
“I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about Mr. Dearheart-Lipwig. Now, you’ve earned some time off, and I suggest you make the most of it. Don’t let me detain you.”
* * *
“I thought he took that very well, all things considered my lord.”
“Yes Drumknott, I think he did.”
“I must admit sir, I’ve been secretly hoping I would get to see the look on his face when he finally figured it out.”
“Indeed Drumknott.” Vetinari turned to look at his secretary and allowed himself a slight smile. “So have I.”