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They weren’t supposed to be here.
Not that anyone could tell them otherwise. This was a public beach. No one could lay claim to the natural world, especially not to a force as untameable as the ocean. People had probably tried over the years – talented Grisha might even have come close – and laws now divided the sea but once you were out there on the open water it seemed ridiculous to even contemplate the idea of ownership. The sea was its own master and as such anything within its grasp was also unruled.
So, the beach? Free territory. No one could turf them away. They were well within their rights to stay here for as long they pleased. Which was a good thing because Jesper didn’t plan on leaving for another few hours at least.
Maybe he’d camp out. Fashion a makeshift sleeping mat from his coat. Coax a fire from driftwood bleached white by the sun. End the day with a toast to the dusk whilst licking residual sugar from Nina’s box of iced treats. Sleep under a blanket of stars with Wylan in his arms.
Jesper considered proposing this plan to Wylan. He suspected it would be welcome. After all, Wylan seemed reluctant to return to Ketterdam. Unfortunately, the city was a curse – once you had walked its roads you would always be drawn back, sometimes kicking and screaming.
But even if Wylan was now caught in its orbit too, he could postpone the inevitable for as long as possible, so Jesper reckoned he would leap at the chance to stay here for a while longer. At least until the moon chased the sun beyond the horizon, anyway. Whether they’d stick around until dawn was more doubtful because temperatures plummeted at night and the coastal air held a greater chill which seemed to burrow into bones.
Nina would probably be down too. She’d accompanied them to the beach, but had remained uncharacteristically quiet. She put on a good show and her pretence would have convinced anyone else, but Jesper had been in her shoes - pretending to be fine – too many times to be fooled. But there was an unofficial code amid Crows not to pry.
Besides, he doubted he would find the right words. He couldn’t even vocalise his feelings to Wylan, for Saints’ sake. So, he let Nina entertain her pensive silence and tried not to worry about the storm clouds which haunted her eyes.
It had been Jesper’s idea – escaping the chaos. He recognised the irony in that. He would usually be the one at the centre. But this was not their battle – not their war – and he needed a moment to get his head in order before everything changed.
Because it would change. He wasn’t foolish enough to kid himself otherwise. He’d clung onto Inej a little too long, kissed her forehead and memorised how it felt to hug his best friend, because he’d known right there and then. It was obvious in the way she held him just as fiercely, arms snaked around his ribs so tightly that he swore he’d walk away with bruises.
Inej was leaving to fight a war of her own and he loved her for it, but also maybe hated her a little too. He hated Kaz more. Fight for her, he wanted to shout. Dammit, Kaz, she won’t stay for me, but she might if it’s you asking.
But Inej had been shackled for too long. Who was Jesper to stand in the way of her freedom?
He was reminded of caged songbirds in his childhood. His hand had been too hot in his mother’s and his fingers kept slipping through hers, grip made loose by sweat. He’d longed to run and stick his nose where it wasn’t wanted, unpick every thread of the marketplace until it revealed its secrets to him. His attention had been caught by bright feathers. The little birds’ chests swelled with song. He had been struck into stillness – a miracle, truly – entranced by the creatures. So, when his mother paid for them only to immediately unlock the cage, his first reaction had been angry confusion.
“If you love something,” his mother had explained, “Set it free. And if it loves you in return, it’ll come home to you eventually.”
So, Jesper wasn’t going to say anything. He’d wish Inej luck and step aside. And one day, hopefully, she’d be back at his side. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t painful. His chest ached with the grief of losing someone who hadn’t yet left him.
It was strange how he could live for spontaneity and yet hated this change. He hadn’t realised that they’d forged their own little family until now it was splitting apart. He wanted to cling onto them, dig in his nails and refuse to let go. They were his people as much as they were Kaz’s Crows and he found himself mourning what could have been if they stuck together.
They had won. Objectively, this was a time for celebration. So, why did Jesper feel as if he’d lost? Not an ordinary loss either. Not like a gamble gone wrong, leaving him with empty pockets and a sickening sense of shame which he concealed beneath a quick quip and wolfish grin. No, more like he had crossed a line and now couldn’t step back over it again.
Saints, grief was strange. He needed a drink or three. He needed an adrenaline rush so high that he could taste it. But in the immediate aftermath, he’d just needed to run, to be anywhere that wasn’t there, which is what had led him here, where the sky met the sea, and the land ran away from itself.
His thoughts were too loud again. He buried his fingers in the sand until the soft surface gave way to cooler, damp layers. Tiny grains crept under his nails. He flexed his hands, tipping his head back to glimpse the expanse of blue. The sky seemed limitless from here. He exhaled slowly, filling his ears with the white noise of surf. Water splashed playfully at the shoreline but further out the waves were stronger, more aggressive, tossing their heads to break against distant cliffs.
Sand was itchy where it dried to his skin. He tried to scrub it away, but the grains were persistent and found their way everywhere. He ran his hands through his hair to discover it was clinging to his scalp too. Another swim was in order. He propped himself on his elbows to glimpse Wylan.
The sun had turned Wylan’s curls a rich copper. His hair seemed aflame as he bent over the notebook balanced against his knees, chewing his lower lip in concentration. He had shucked off his boots and reluctantly stripped his shirt for fear of heatstroke but had yet to dip a toe in the water.
His attention was focussed solely on the paper in his hands. One hand drummed absently against the sand. The lull of the waves had released the tension from his shoulders and, when he glanced up to spy a gull soaring low overhead, his smile was brighter than Alina’s light.
Jesper pushed himself to his feet and crossed to Wylan’s side. The sand crumbled like icing sugar between his toes. When he licked his lips, he tasted salt. He knocked his ankle against Wylan’s hip until his boyfriend looked up, squinting slightly.
“I’m going for a swim,” Jesper announced cheerfully.
Wylan pushed stray curls out of his eyes. The sea air had twisted them tighter with salt and his hair had become untameable. He looked so good that Jesper wanted to kiss him senseless. He sort of wished that Nina hadn’t accompanied them.
“Do you want me to congratulate you or something?” Wylan asked dryly. There was a little smudge of ink at the corner of his mouth, transferred from paper to skin by his thumb. He set his pencil into the groove at the centre of the pages. “Have fun. Don’t drown. I’d probably be sad if you died.”
“Only probably?” Jesper dropped into a crouch so that they were eye-to-eye. “I’ll pretend you didn’t just say that… on one condition…”
Wylan raised a brow. His eyes looked almost green in the sunlight reflected off the sea.
“Join me.” Jesper licked his thumb and wiped away that ink. “C’mon, sunshine.” He slid his hand to cup Wylan’s jaw. “I can make it worth your while.”
Wylan’s gaze darkened almost hungrily – once again, curse Nina for being there – before he glimpsed the waves and his shoulders slumped. He traced the edges of his notebook absently.
Jesper stole a brief glance and spied music notes. He didn’t really understand why Wylan was so bothered about being unable to read when he was fluent in music. It was an entirely different language and one which was arguably the hardest to learn. Jesper marvelled at the skill required. For a moment, he was transported back to that sun-soaked room watching Wylan’s hands fly across ivory keys, when his own heart had tripped over itself and he’d first realised that he was in trouble.
“I want to finish this,” Wylan explained, although he refused to meet Jesper’s eyes. “Before I lose the tune. It’ll haunt me.”
Jesper made a non-committal sound and flopped down at Wylan’s side. He rolled over to press his forehead against Wylan’s hip. Wylan reached down and threaded his fingers through Jesper’s hair, nails scratching the sand from his scalp.
Jesper nearly melted. The casual affection was as painful as it was welcome because he would lose it eventually. He ruined every good thing which ever happened to him. It was only a matter of time before he lost Wylan too. But for now he closed his eyes against the sun and revelled in the moment.
A chorus of gulls echoed overhead. They flew so low that Jesper felt the rush of air from their wings. Wylan’s laugh was full of wonder. Everything seemed precious in the sun.
Jesper opened one eye to spy glistening blue. The sea calling to him. He tapped his fingers against Wylan’s ankle with a faint, plaintive sound of protest. Wylan’s hand stilled in his hair.
“You can go ahead. I’m not stopping you.”
“I know.” Jesper sat up. A flurry of sand fell from his back. “But it’ll be fun. C’mon, Wy. Please? For me?” He widened his eyes. “You can’t say no to this face, can you?”
Wylan’s smile was fondly exasperated. “Why don’t you ask Nina?”
Jesper twisted to glance over his shoulder. Nina was sat a little way up the beach, eyes closed and arms crossed beneath her head, hair loose and spread across the sand like a halo. The crease between her brows as she frowned had finally eased. She’d discarded her worries – what if Matthias doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? – and allowed herself to relax, to believe in the possibility of a happy ending.
“See, the thing is… I prefer your company.”
Wylan tried to bite back a laugh. “I’m telling her you said that.”
“Saints no, I value my life.”
Jesper caught Wylan’s hand and ran a thumb up the inside of his wrist. He hid a grin as Wylan’s pulse jumped under his touch, leaning close so that his words were hot against Wylan’s neck.
“Just one swim. Then I won’t bother you for the rest of the afternoon. I swear it. Crows’ honour.”
“The Crows don’t have any honour.”
Jesper hooked an arm around Wylan’s neck and yanked him close, planting a firm kiss to the crown of Wylan’s head whilst his boyfriend squawked and tried to free himself.
“You are learning far too quickly.”
Wylan twisted in his hold to beam at him. “Really?”
“Whoever said it was a compliment?” Jesper frowned as unease slunk down his boyfriend’s spine at the sight of a larger wave crashing against the surf. “Okay, what is your deal with the sea? Have you never been swimming before or something?”
Wylan tensed in his arms.
“Oh,” Jesper realised, with a sinking feeling that he’d just royally messed up again. “Oh. Shit. Well, that’s okay. We can just go in up to our waists. Or knees. Or even ankles. Whatever you’re comfortable with. You could just dip your feet in? Or I could carry you? Um. Can you say something? Should I be saying sorry? If so, sorry.”
His mouth was running away from him. He couldn’t identify the fluttery feeling at first until his brain caught up and he realised that he was rambling. Saints, he was actually nervous. He’d walk headfirst into near-certain death, throw himself into a gamble with the odds stacked against him, follow Kaz into The Fold for crying out loud, but Wylan was able to reduce him to an anxious mess at the mere thought of screwing up whatever they had. This thing between them was new and vulnerable and they were still figuring it out, but Jesper already knew he wanted it to last. That in itself was terrifying. How could he be scared to commit but dreaded the idea of Wylan leaving all at once?
Wylan shifted so that they were facing one another.
“Jes,” he said softly, voice tinged with amusement, “It’s okay. You didn’t know.”
Jesper closed his mouth with an audible snap. He was tempted to sit on his hands to keep from fidgeting.
In his defence, the majority of Ketterdam kids knew how to swim. Accidental drowning would be an occupational hazard otherwise, what with all the canals and proximity to the harbour. It made more sense for Wylan to know how to swim than it did for him to not. Unless he hadn’t grown up in Ketterdam?
Jesper didn’t know why it had taken so long for that thought to occur to him. They hadn’t discussed their pasts in depth, so he’d just assumed. He knew that Wylan kept secrets, but didn’t everyone? So he hadn’t asked and just trusted that Wylan would confide in him eventually.
But this new revelation was another puzzle piece – he’d already guessed that Wylan wasn’t your average Barrel rat, but this proved it. After all, Jesper had only learnt to swim due to the brook which snaked along the border of the farm. He could still recall the faintly earthy taste of the water and the silvery fish which swam its currents.
He shook away the memories and stamped a winning smile on his face.
“C’mon.” He launched himself to his feet. “I’ll teach you.”
Wylan shot a doubtful look at the waves. The sea was relatively calm this close to the shore but still waters could be deceptive. Jesper had already identified a riptide near the cliffs, but they wouldn’t be going close enough to be caught in it.
“What, do you think I’m a rubbish teacher or something?”
“Yes,” Wylan shot back without hesitation. Mischief gleamed in his eyes. “The worst, actually. You have no patience.”
“Hey.” Jesper planted his hands on his hips. “Okay, you might have a point, but I’ll be on my best behaviour.” He drew a cross over his heart with a solemn nod. “See? Cross my heart and hope to die, all that fun stuff.”
Wylan blinked owlishly. “Huh?”
Jesper waited for the punchline which never came.
“Saints, Wy,” he teased, catching Wylan’s hands and hauling him upright. “Did you not have a childhood or something?”
Wylan’s smile momentarily dimmed. “Or something.”
He didn’t give Jesper chance to consider that comment in depth. His heels kicked up a tiny sandstorm as he discarded his trousers and darted towards the shoreline. Jesper let out an offended shout and sped after him.
Wylan stood at the very edge so that the water brushed his toes. His gaze was fixed on the thin blue line where the sky met the sea. There was a strange blend of unreadable emotions in his eyes, matched by his anxious hands as he knitted his fingers together. He didn’t even react to the tiny hermit crab scuttling close to his heel.
Jesper got the distinct feeling that his boyfriend wasn’t seeing the ocean at all. Wherever Wylan’s mind had drifted off to, it was somewhere far from the beach.
“Wylan?” Jesper ventured. He stepped closer, winding an arm around Wylan’s waist and tucking his chin over his boyfriend’s shoulder. He closed his eyes, listening to the waves and letting their breathing sync. “Are you with me?”
Wylan lifted a hand to Jesper’s wrist and curled his fingers over his pulse. He didn’t say anything for a long moment. Jesper tightened his hold. They stood together, unspeaking, wrapped in the sea air and each other. Soon their paths would take them back to Ketterdam, but for now it was just them and this moment.
And Nina too, but Jesper was pretending not to notice her. He was pointedly ignoring her smirk which promised she would be teasing him about this later.
Wylan exhaled in a rush. “Are you going to teach me to swim or not?”
He turned so that Jesper could glimpse his smile, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
No matter how many times Wylan claimed that it was okay, Jesper still knew he’d stumbled onto a sore subject. He couldn’t figure out if it was the swimming thing or the childhood joke. But Wylan seemed intent on putting it behind them and Jesper wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth - a committed relationship was enough uncharted territory for him without complicating it unnecessarily.
“You are going to be the best swimmer in the entirety of Kerch by the time I’m done,” Jesper declared, sweeping Wylan into his arms and ignoring all protests. “Because I am a fantastic teacher.”
“We’re not in Kerch yet,” Wylan pointed out, looping an arm around Jesper’s neck for fear of falling, which was absolutely ridiculous because there was no world in which Jesper would drop him, not even if a particularly big wave doused them both in icy water and made them shriek. “Do not let go. Jesper Fahey, if you let go right now then so help me, I swear I will-”
On the shore, Nina shaded her eyes with one hand and wondered whether she should rescue Wylan, who was doing a remarkable impression of an angry cat. He clung onto Jesper’s neck, shouting a variety of threats while Jesper tried to persuade him to let go before he dragged them both under.
“Wylan!” Jesper tried to keep the laughter out of his voice. The water lapped his waist and consequently came a little higher on Wylan, but still nowhere near enough to warrant this much yelling. “Wy, I promise it’s okay. You can touch the bottom, see?”
Wylan gingerly let his feet brush the sand. The currents were fairly strong and swirled around his legs, but not enough to knock him off-balance. He trailed a hand through the crystal water while his heartrate lowered to a normal level.
Jesper raised an unimpressed brow. “Did you really think I would let you drown?”
“No,” Wylan muttered, yelping as a piece of seaweed brushed his thigh. “Oh, Saints. What was that?”
“The Sea Whip,” Jesper deadpanned. “It’s risen from the grave to haunt us.”
Wylan glowered at him. “That’s not funny.”
“It’s a little funny.”
Wylan swept an arm across the surface. Jesper spluttered indignantly, wiping water from his face.
“You’re going to regret that.”
Wylan grinned. “Make me.”
“Oh, boy.” Jesper shook his head with a low laugh. “I really wish we hadn’t brought Nina with us.”
Wylan shot him a sunny smile because he was a little shit who knew exactly what he was doing. He was going to be the death of Jesper.
“I believe you promised me a swimming lesson?”
Jesper promptly tackled him into the waves.
It was roughly an hour later when they staggered onto the shore. The currents were stronger than expected and Jesper suspected he’d be feeling that ache in his muscles for days. He flopped onto the sand with a groan.
Beside him, Wylan sank to sit cross-legged, pushing sopping hair out of his face and shaking excess water everywhere like a dog. The sun had already coaxed new freckles onto his skin and Jesper looked forward to memorising them later. He tilted his head as he spied the flush of sunburn, fumbling for his abandoned shirt and tossing it at his boyfriend’s face.
Wylan lifted it in question.
“You’re burning,” Jesper explained. “Gotta cover your shoulders, or you’ll hate yourself tomorrow.”
Wylan slipped one arm into the shirt, then paused. “This is yours.”
“And?”
“And I’m going to make it wet.”
Jesper shrugged. “Who cares? It’ll dry.”
Also, you know, there was the part where he had an unhealthy love for seeing Wylan wear his clothes, but shh.
Jesper drifted into that strange, detached state between sleep and dozing. The salt was drying on his skin and the sun painted patterns onto his closed eyes. He pillowed his head in Wylan’s lap and let himself give into the contented tiredness of a good swim.
He was vaguely aware of Nina joining them. He could taste sugar in the air and smell cinnamon from her box of treats. Food roused him from his nap, and he practically inhaled the leftovers. Something about the sea air always made him hungry. He wandered down to the retreating tide to rinse sugar from his fingers.
Wylan was flat on his stomach, chin propped in his hands, eyes wide and revering as he observed a hermit crab trek across the sand. Jesper was struck by a wave of such pure fondness that it almost took his breath away.
He settled down beside Wylan, resting his head on his crossed arms. “Tell me a fun fact about hermit crabs.”
Wylan turned wide, delighted eyes on him. “Really?”
“Don’t you know anything about them then?”
“No, no, I do, I just…” Wylan returned his gaze to the hermit crab. His voice grew quieter, almost overwhelmed by the waves as he confessed, “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear it.”
“Wylan,” Jesper sing-songed, tipping sideways to press his cheek against Wylan’s shoulder. “Haven’t you figured it out by now? I always want to hear what you’ve got say. So.” He clapped his hands. “Tell me about hermit crabs.”
“Okay, well, to begin with, they’re nocturnal, so this one is only awake because we’ve disturbed it. They dig underneath the sand where it’s cooler to hide from predators and the sun. They can regrow lost limbs every eighteen months when they shed their exoskeletons during a moult. Oh, and they’re not even true crabs…”
Jesper let more of his weight fall against Wylan’s shoulder. Wylan’s voice was vibrant with quiet passion. He practically created his own weather system in the sand as he gestured widely. There was so much hidden in that head of his. He was a mystery and Jesper was captivated.
I could love you, he thought to himself, unnerved by the realisation and yet drawn to it all at once.
He was fairly certain that he was more than halfway there already. Love was one of those things which snuck up on a guy and when he finally realised the danger it had already dragged him under. He was thrilled and terrified in equal measures. He returned his attention to Wylan’s explanations, eyeing that little hermit crab as it ploughed sand. Lucky, he thought at it sulkily, I wish my life were that simple.
Nina stripped down to the bare minimum and ran full pelt into the sea as sunset approached. The tide was on the turn again but for now the water remained far out, exposing great plains of wet sand which reflected the light like a golden disc.
Wylan’s sunburn had begun to enact its vengeance. He had goosebumps over his arms and was fighting back shivers. Jesper stole Nina’s abandoned blanket on which she’d been lounging for most of the day, shook sand from the creases, and wrapped it around Wylan’s shoulders. He was aiming for a casual vibe but accidentally let too much affection seep into the gesture, so gave up and let himself drop a kiss on Wylan’s temple.
Wylan made grabby hands for him as he stepped away. “Where are you going?”
Saints help me, Jesper thought somewhat hysterically. Wylan was practically pouting. A day at the beach was all it took to unlock his clingy side and Jesper loved it. He let Wylan catch his hands and held on until another step took him out of reach.
Wylan frowned as their fingers slipped away from each other. “Jesper.”
“We can’t have a beach day without a fire at the end of it. It’s the law.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.” Jesper scuffed his heels in the sand. “Also, um, you said you were cold. So.”
Wylan’s frown melted into a teasing smile. “Jesper Fahey, are you worried about me?”
“No,” Jesper snapped instinctively. He cleared his throat. “I’m just fixing a problem, that’s all.”
Wylan leant back against the sandbank with a self-satisfied little smirk.
“Uh huh,” he agreed easily. “Sure.” He reached for his notebook and returned to etching crotchets and quavers between the lines. “Whatever you say.”
Jesper stomped away to collect driftwood, trying to pretend like he wasn’t grinning from ear to ear.
The sun had sunk low in the sky by the time Nina returned from the waves, breathless and giddy with laughter and hope. She dropped onto the sand, sparing only a second glance for the fate of her blanket. Her hair was in a tangled topknot which dripped down her back, but she didn’t seem to care. She sat close to the fire, leaning against the heels of her hands to glimpse the bravest stars which dared to come out to dance before the sun had vanished.
The driftwood was burning nicely. Flames leapt in a merry waltz which sent flurries of sparks into the air. They carried on the breeze like fireflies before finally fading across the water. Wylan’s eyes were so wide that Jesper could see the embers reflected in his pupils. Wylan had mastered the art of seeing wonder which the rest of society overlooked and Jesper reckoned if he could capture a little bit of that skill for himself then maybe he wouldn’t feel quite as discontent so often.
The sun graced the world with a final gift as it sank below the horizon, transforming the water to a silk quilt of ambers and peaches and pearly pinks. There seemed to be no separation between the sea and the sky. Gulls floating on the waves looked as if they were hovering. It seemed as if the world had been holding its breath for a very long time and now that the Fold was gone everything could finally exhale and shine brightly again.
It dawned on Jesper that the first person he longed to share this sight with was already sat beside him. He shifted his hand a little so that their fingers brushed.
“It’s going to be different when we get back to Ketterdam,” Wylan whispered, still transfixed by the sunset.
Jesper hooked his pinkie finger around Wylan’s. “Well, I should hope so, because I quite like this thing we’ve got going…”
Wylan shot him a fond look. “So do I. But that’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” Jesper drew his knees up to rest his elbows against them. “It is going to be different.” He swallowed. “I don’t know how to feel about it.”
Warmth settled on his shoulder as Wylan rested his head there. Jesper impulsively wrapped an arm around him.
“Well,” Wylan said eventually, “You’ll still have me.”
Jesper took a deep breath and tried to ignore the way his eyes were burning.
“Just in case it wasn’t already clear, you’ve got me too,” he replied, but didn’t vocalise the final part: For as long as you’ll have me.
They watched the stars creep out in silence broken only by the surf and distant caterwauls of gulls settling down to roost on the cliff face. Nina interrupted the tranquillity with a rumbling snore. Wylan attempted to hold back laughter, but Jesper didn’t even try, and Wylan’s undignified snort only made him laugh more.
“This was a good day,” Wylan murmured as they curled around each other on the sand.
Jesper grinned. “See, this is proof that people should listen to me more. I have great ideas.”
“Only on occasion.”
“Lies and slander.”
“Shh.”
“No, no, I’m offended now. Actually, I think-”
Wylan shut him up with a kiss.
As the moon continued its lonely journey across the sky and Wylan’s breathing evened into sleep, Jesper tried to empty his head of thoughts. As usual, it didn’t work. But, holding Wylan close, he felt like maybe some of those approaching changes might be welcome. Not every difference was bad – this fledging relationship of theirs was proof of that – so maybe it would be okay.
His mind drifted back to those songbirds. He didn’t know much, but he knew that Inej loved him like a brother and so he had to trust that she’d return to him, even if he suspected that it wouldn’t be him she came back for.
“I can practically hear you overthinking,” Nina grumbled, propping herself on an elbow to glare at him. “Go to sleep. I can hardly deal with Kaz on a good day, let alone when I’m tired.”
“Do you think it’s going to work out?” Jesper asked in a rush before he could stop himself.
Nina’s frown softened.
“Yeah, Jes,” she murmured. “I think it will.”