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He wasn’t anorexic. You couldn’t be fat and anorexic. All he was doing was eating a bit less. That was healthy; he had eaten so much before and that was how he had gotten so fat. He was being healthy.
Dan told himself that every night before bed. Every night, when he was curled up in a ball; body crippled by the pain in his stomach. The ache was comforting. He was being healthy.
Waking up was always an ordeal. First, he had to stretch, which always hurt. His taught muscles protesting to moving in such state of nourishment depravation. Dan found himself exhausted all the time now, but he told himself it was from all the exercise he had been doing. And once again he repeated his mantra: he was being healthy.
Dan could have stayed in bed all day. Curled around himself, in a position that at least alleviated some pain, but he knew he couldn’t. Then, Phil would worry and the last thing he wanted was for Phil to be worried about him.
So, he dragged himself out of bed; slowing straightening up to let his body adjust. Once the pain subsided, he walked over to the full length mirror propped up against his dresser. He glanced at himself in it quickly, before turning away in disgust. His stupid chubby cheeks, his ugly bulging stomach, his fat grotesque legs. He threw on a shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms, desperately wanting to hide his body that he loathed so much.
Of course, he couldn’t deny that it was a little better. He had lost some weight, and he could see his hipbones now. Those facts made him feel better for a moment, before he remembered how far he still had to go. Still, he was proud of the progress that had been made. He was proud of being healthy for once.
“Dan?” The voice of his best friend pulled all thoughts of his disfigured body from his head. Phil managed to do that for him and Dan was forever grateful. Sometimes, he needed an escape from all the self hatred and he was lucky enough to live with the only person who could do that for him. Phil was his lifeline, and he was doing this for him. He was being healthy for Phil.
“Dan?” He called again, and this time Dan responded, his voice croaking with sleep.
“Yeah, I’m up.”
Phil peeked his head through Dan’s bedroom door and gave him a contagious smile.
“Did I wake you?”
“No, I was already up.” Dan returned the smile the best he could, but his face hurt and it seemed more like a grimace.
“Good, because now that you’re up, you can try out the pancakes I made!” He sang the last part as he turned to go back to the kitchen. Dan followed him out the door and was instantly engulfed by the delicious smells of the breakfast. It made his mouth water. He smiled at the happy-go-lucky image of Phil decorating a pancake with syrup, but inside his mind, a battle was raging. Part of him wanted pancakes so badly, but the other half kept bringing up the memory of his body in the mirror. Finally, he decided to have one, to be nice to Phil. It would be fine if he just didn’t eat anything for the rest of the day.
As he went over and sat at the dining room table, the other boy set a breakfast plate down in front of him. On it was a pancake, elaborately decorated to resemble a face. It honestly looked more like a cow, but Dan gave Phil points for effort.
“He’s so beautiful, I almost don’t want to eat it.” Joked Dan with a smirk.
“I know, I made HER so beautiful, I want to preserve it and put it on display.” With that, Dan sliced into the pancake ferociously with his knife.
“Dan! That was mean, pancakes have feelings too!”
“Yeah, but as a pancake, it’s only purpose in life is to be eaten, so really, I’m helping it accomplish its life goal by eating it.” He said thoughtfully as he placed a piece of the destroyed pancake in his mouth. It was amazing, but he knew full well how much he would hate himself later for eating it. At that moment, he didn’t really care though.
“I suppose, but I still think you could have been more gentle.” Responded Phil, mock serious, before getting himself too a plate.
“So what are your plans for the day?” Dan shrugged in response; shoving another bite into his mouth. Phil sighed.
“Dan, it’s been a couple months since you made a video. Your subscribers are starting to worry.” His voice had taken on a quieter and more serious tone, which took Dan by surprise. He swallowed, very conscious of Phil’s concerned gaze on him.
“I just don’t have any ideas right now, and you know how I’m a perfectionist. I don’t want to make anything that I’m not completely proud of.” That wasn’t the truth, Dan had lots of ideas, he always did, but he was scared of making any more videos. He was scared that his subscribers would see his repulsive body and start to hate him. Dan wanted to be skinny before he made anymore videos. He wasn’t sure why Phil wasn’t disgusted by him yet.
Phil didn’t seem fully convinced by this answer, but he didn’t call Dan out on it and he was thankful.
“Okay then, do you want to do a brain storm tonight? Maybe I can help you think of something.” The hopefully smile on his face made Dan feel guilty. Despite how hard he had tried to keep his personal issues away from Phil, he always seemed to know, and for some reason, want to help. Dan responded with a half smile and a nod of his head, which seemed to appease Phil, as he changed the subject and started talking about a post he had seen on Tumblr that morning. In minutes, he had Dan laughing. He was so amazing like that. Dan just wanted to return the favor, be someone who could help Phil also instead of being just a burden, but first, Dan knew he had to be healthy.
They finished breakfast together, talking about anything and everything that came to their minds. Phil announced he had to go out to get some things for a video and asked Dan if he wanted to come. He shook his head, he was feeling fat and gross from the pancake, and didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Maybe he could try to throw up when Phil was gone. He knew what throwing up meant, but he didn’t want to be bulimic, not that he was anything else. He was just being healthy, and anyway, only doing it once wouldn’t do much harm. He had tried before, but for some reason, no matter how far he pushed his fingers down his throat, nothing happened. But he was so full right now, surely he’d be able to.
Phil gave him one last concerned look, but Dan wasn’t paying attention. He was only focused on getting the food out of him. The hunger pains had subsided some, and it was an unnerving and foreign feeling. He had made a mistake and need to fix it.
Finally, Phil left, but not before giving Dan a hug with wide eyes full of some unknown sad emotion. Dan didn’t really care; the moment the door closed, he raced to the bathroom.
Positioning himself over the toilet, he rolled up his sleeves and quickly stuck two fingers down his throat. When nothing happened, he pushed them farther in. He need to throw up! Dan could practically feel the calories in his blood stream, moving around his body, creating more disgusting fat. He began to panic, and in desperation, thrust farther into his throat. He felt his fingers stab the back of his wind pipe and a sharp pain erupted throughout his body. He began to cough and choke violently, his throat feeling like is was bleeding. Dan panicked again, thinking he was in fact bleeding and would drown in his own blood. His eyes were already watering and he started to cry, breathing ragged and painful . He slumped to the floor, still trying to control his breaths. He couldn’t understand how, after all that, he still hadn’t thrown up. It would have all been worth it if he had. It was like his body wanted to be fat and hated forever.
Dan was extremely dizzy and lightheaded at this point, and even through his sobbing eyes, he saw his vision grow dark. In one last effort, he desperately flailed an arm out, trying to stand, but only collapsed completely, hitting his head on the hard bathroom floor. Finally, his abused and weakened body gave into exhaustion and he slipped into black.
Dan woke up to Phil’s frantic voice calling his name.
“Dan! Dan!” His voice was pleading and desperate; a few pitches higher than usually. The panic in his voice was evident and Dan felt guilty for causing his friend so much distress. He didn’t even know where he was; head pounding painfully in his skull, only increasing his own panic. He moaned in pain and heard Phil take a sharp breath.
“Dan!” Suddenly, Dan felt arms around him, pulling his body closer to something warm and solid; which he assumed was Phil’s body. He groaned again and this time, his eyes fluttered open. Bright light seared his corneas, but he blinked through the pain. Dan’s eyes finally adjusted, and above him he saw Phil’s concerned face. The other boy broke into a huge smile of relief and Dan wanted to return it, but the pain in his head prevented him from being able to concentrate on anything.
“W-water.” He mumbled and instantly Phil reacted, scooting Dan over gently so he could get up. Moments later, Dan felt a cup being pressed to his lips. Normally, he would have been mortified for someone to be helping him do something as simple as drinking water from a glass, but at the moment, he couldn’t have cared less.
The cold water flowed past his chapped and cracking lips, hitting the back of his throat. It felt wonderful, soothing the fire-like sensation that Dan hadn’t even noticed was there. After a couple of sips, he managed to gather the strength to sit up, and with Phil’s help, heaved himself off the floor into a sitting position. With the other boy still mostly supporting his body and cup, he quickly drank the rest of the water.
Dan felt minimally better and was now finally able to keep his eyes open and focused. He began to regain some sense of where he was and realized that he was sitting practically on Phil’s lap; curled up against him, upper body and head sunk comfortably on his chest.
Dan wanted to move, in any other situation, this position would have been considered weird and sexual, but he was so comfortable and felt so safe.
There were a few moments of pause, where the only sound in the whole apartment was the soft puffs from both boys’ breathing.
“Dan...what happened?” Asked Phil tentatively. Dan had known the question was coming, it wasn’t normal to find your roommate unconscious on the floor of the bathroom. At least not in their house.
“I-I just passed out.” He meant the statement to be reassuring, but it did the opposite, for Phil’s next words were laced with pain once again.
“Dan, that’s not good. I’m going to call an ambulance.” No! Dan couldn’t go to the hospital! They wouldn’t understand, they wouldn’t realize that he was being healthy and make him go to therapy or something. And then he would lose everything he had worked so hard for.
Tears sprung to Dan’s eyes and he began to beg. “No, please! I’m fine, I just was a bit tired. All I need is something to eat and then I’ll be fine.”
Taken aback by Dan’s desperate outburst, Phil pulled the younger boy close in a tight, soothing hug.
“Okay, okay. I won’t call.” He rocked Dan gently as he sobbed, until finally speaking again. “Dan, I’m going to get you something to eat. Do you want to come with me?” Dan nodded and they awkwardly struggled to stand up while still holding onto one another. Slowly, they shuffled to the kitchen, where Phil opened the fridge and pulled out an apple, handing it to Dan.
“Eat.” Dan did as he was told. The apple tasted delicious in his parched mouth, and in minutes, he had eaten the whole thing. While the other boy was eating, Phil had made a sandwich and placed it on a plate at the table. He then gestured for Dan to sit, and once he had, took a seat himself.
After another long pause, he finally said what Dan had known was coming and had dreaded.
“Dan, you haven't been eating. Why?” And Dan broke down. He started to cry and with the tears came the whole story. The comments on his weight by some viewers, the self consciousness he had developed and finally, his decision to stop eating. At the end, he told Phil his reasoning behind it all.
“I just wanted to be healthy.” Phil looked on the verge of tears, and pangs of guilt stabbed Dan’s heart for making his friend so sad.
“Dan, you know that none of this was healthy.” And once again, Dan felt himself crumble. All the lies and things he had told himself to justify not eating, pounded in his head and again, tears welled in his eyes. He was so tired of being hungry, so tired of having to hide what he was going through from fear of rejection. He couldn’t do it anymore.
“Yes, I did, but I couldn’t stop, so I pretended that what I was doing was good. But, I knew it wasn’t.” Phil suddenly wrapped Dan in a tight hug and he relaxed in the older’s arms.
“I’m sorry I didn’t notice earlier, I’ve been a horrible friend.” Dan went to object, but Phil didn’t let him. “But, I’m here now, and I will help you. First, you need to eat, you are never going to skip a meal again, okay?” Dan nodded and Phil paused before continuing. “And second, you have to tell me when things get bad like this. I’m your friend and I want to help. Always. Please let me.” The younger boy nodded again and Phil kissed the top of his head gently. It made Dan’s heart beat a little faster, but he wasn’t sure why. He dismissed it and focused on him and Phil. He was going to be okay, because the older boy cared, really cared about him and he would help. Dan was going to be okay. He really was going to be healthy this time.