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If there was one thing Luster Dawn couldn’t stand the idea of, it was disappointing her teacher, but lately it felt like it might be inevitable.
When Princess Twilight had first explained friendship, it had sounded amazing in a way Luster had never considered before. She loved the idea of working at maintaining something with others. Hard work was satisfying, and being able to look back at the effort when she’d finished with something was one of her favorite feelings in the world. When Twilight explained that friendship could be a way to do that, and that friendships didn’t have to fade overtime if you put in that work, it sounded like exactly the kind of thing Luster Dawn could thrive in.
But it didn’t end up working out that way.
The creatures she’d met on her first day in Ponyville were perfectly fine, but they didn’t really “click” like they were apparently supposed to. Or, that’s not exactly true. They clicked with each other, and all of them seemed to like Luster just fine, but Luster just didn’t feel any sort of friendship-y, magic-y pull towards them.
She was putting the work in, like she was supposed to. She was learning about them, and she learned that a lot of them had things in common with her. She loved discussing the differences in their different species’ kinds of magic, how it was utilized and how it affected them. She enjoyed doing new things with them. Learning, having new experiences, and working hard to understand things she didn’t was always going to be worth it to her. But when she considered doing it with these creatures versus potentially doing it with different creatures that she didn’t know as well, it didn’t really feel any different.
She even tested her theory one day by going to the School of Friendship and discussing magic with the principal Starlight Glimmer, who was apparently very adept and gifted in magic herself. And she had a great time! The conversation had been stimulating and Luster had left with new ideas and theories and things she wanted to study.
But when she considered her time with Starlight Glimmer versus her time with her supposed “friends,” she didn’t really find herself preferring one to the other, despite not knowing Starlight very well.
She didn’t know what that meant. It was never something she’d had to consider before, when she hadn’t wanted friends at all.
But now, she’d definitely have to figure it out, because she wanted friends now.
…Didn’t she?
Princess Twilight said it was amazing, and that when she’d finally understood how wonderful having friends was, it was like a whole new world had opened up for her.
But Luster didn’t feel like she could access that world, no matter how hard she worked towards it. She tried to understand why she should value her “friends” time and company over anyone else’s, but the idea always just felt wrong. No matter what she considered, how much she thought, how hard she worked, she never wanted to be around them over everyone else she could be spending her time with. When she considered it, what she really wanted was to go back to Canderlot so she could be around her teacher again. Princess Twilight didn’t feel like a friend, after all. But would that just disappoint Princess Twilight if she said it to her? Did she want Luster Dawn to consider her a friend? Did she want her to consider these new creatures that she knew so well now her friends? Would she be disappointed in her if she heard that she didn’t?
Maybe… maybe Luster’s work just wasn’t enough. Maybe it didn’t matter what she tried, because the Magic of Friendship just didn’t want her.
She’d never considered that to be a bad thing before. But now, when she pictured Princess Twilight’s face if she told her that despite trying so hard, she still didn’t want friends, Luster wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there forever.
She cared about Princess Twilight’s opinion of her. The Princess… well, Luster would never even dream of saying it out loud, but she felt like family. Luster admired her. She wanted her approval, her respect, the same way she did with her own family. But it was becoming clear that Princess Twilight's good opinion depended on Luster feeling something she just… could not make herself feel.
But she didn’t want to lose her teacher. She didn’t want to lose the one relationship she had apparently gotten right somehow, not when she just couldn’t figure out this whole friendship thing. Why did creatures want this? What made certain creatures companionship better than others? What made them brighten when a certain creature walked into a room? Why did they seem to just want to set aside time to be around each other without having to remind themselves to care about that time? What in Twilight’s name was so great about friendship?
Princess Twilight was supposed to visit soon. She’d said she wanted to see how Luster was doing. Luster’s “friends” sounded excited about it. Luster was dreading it.
Somehow, it felt like Princess Twilight would take one look at her and instantly know Luster didn’t care about these creatures in the way she was supposed to. And then she’d get such a disappointed look on her face. And Luster couldn’t bear the thought of that.
The night before Princess Twilight arrived, she didn’t sleep a wink. The morning she was supposed to get there, Luster was debating hiding in the library of the School of Friendship and pretending that her “friends” were all busy that day.
But nope, instead they were all waiting by town hall where Princess Twilight was supposed to arrive, clearly excited to show the Princess what great friends they all were.
Oh Sweet Celestia, she was going to have to try and lie through her teeth. (And Princess Twilight would be so disappointed if she found out she went against the Element of Honesty. There just was no winning here, was there?)
Princess Twilight arrived and walked over towards Luster and her “friends” with a smile, and Luster gave back as convincing of one as she could manage, praying Princess Twilight wouldn’t see through it.
Thankfully (was it?) Princess Twilight just beamed down as she walked closer. “It’s so good to see you Luster,” she said.
“It’s good to see you too,” Luster said, feeling like she meant it for the first time since coming here.
“Are these your friends?” Princess Twilight asked with a smile at the creatures behind them both.
Luster winced inwardly, but her “friends” came to her rescue, leaping forward excitedly and talking about all the things they’d done together, and how close they all were becoming, and Luster wanted to be anywhere else. She wanted to be alone in a library where she could study and learn about magic and not think about friendship or friends or what a failure she was at them ever again.
They all walked around the town for a while, Luster trying to keep up a smile and nod and pay just enough attention to the conversation that she could add in a comment when she needed to.
By the end of their walk, after explaining to Princess Twilight what great friends they all were, Princess Twilight said she unfortunately had to be heading back soon. Being ruler of Equestria, after all, tended to take up most of your time.
Luster felt relieved for just a second, but as her “friends” called goodbye and headed off so Luster could say goodbye to her teacher, she felt something shift in her chest.
Princess Twilight was still smiling as they both started back towards the pegasus chariot that had brought her, and Luster felt something small and twisted well up in her chest as she realized that she’d gotten away with it. Princess Twilight didn’t think there was anything wrong. She hadn’t noticed Luster’s feelings, her crushing terror of disappointing her, all of the reasons Luster had been dreading this visit.
And that… that was worse.
“I do hope you can come to Canderlot to visit too,” Princess Twilight said as they arrived where her chariot was. “I won’t always have time to come over here, as much as I’d like to. But I would love to see you again soon.”
Luster had stopped walking, and was now staring at the ground.
“Luster?” Princess Twilight asked.
Luster looked up at her teacher and burst into tears.
Immediately, Princess Twilight’s eyes widened in alarm, and she climbed back down from her chariot, heading over and wrapping a wing around them both to give them some privacy from the nearby guards.
“Luster, what’s wrong?” Princess Twilight asked.
“I—” Luster said, wiping at her eyes with her hooves. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
“Oh no,” Princess Twilight said, sounding concerned. “Do you feel sick?”
Luster shook her head. “No, I— it’s not—” She buried her head in her hooves and cried, great heaving sobs that she wished more than anything she could make stop. Look at her, she was crying in front of the Princess. That had to be some kind of major breach of etiquette.
But, well. She’d already ruined everything else. Might as well get this last part out of the way.
She sniffed, looked up at Princess Twilight, and said through tears, “I still don’t want friends. I don’t know why. I— I’m sorry.”
Princess Twilight look at her for a long minute, and Luster couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was thinking.
Finally, she said, “Alright Luster, give me a moment.”
She pulled her head up and called a couple things to her guards. It sounded like delegating things for the rest of the day. Luster just stayed curled up under the Princess’ wing and continued to cry.
Finally, Princess Twilight leaned back down and said quietly to Luster that she was going to teleport them someplace private.
Luster nodded.
When the pink of Princess Twilight’s magic faded, Luster pulled her head up and found them in a glittering tree house, with glowing blue walls and pink leaves that seemed to be made out of crystal.
“Where—” Luster sniffed and wiped at her nose. “Where are we?”
“This is the Tree of Harmony,” Princess Twilight said. “Or rather, what it turned into after the first one was destroyed by King Sombra.”
Luster looked down. “And you’re sure the Tree of Harmony would want me here?” she mumbled.
“Luster,” Princess Twilight said, reaching forward and lifting her chin with her hoof. “Everyone in Equestria is welcome here.”
Luster hesitated, but then nodded.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Princess Twilight asked, walking over to a nearby table and sitting down.
Luster sighed, and walked over to sit across from her. “I… I still don’t want to make friends,” she mumbled, kicking at the chair with her hoof.
“You mentioned,” Princess Twilight said. “I don’t understand. It is not going well? Your friends all seemed to think you were getting along fine.”
“We are. That’s not the problem,” Luster said, still keeping her gaze down. “I just— they don’t feel like my friends.”
“Oh? What makes you say that?”
“I don’t know,” Luster mumbled. “Isn’t it supposed to feel different when you’re talking to your friends than when you’re talking to a stranger? Aren’t you supposed to want to spend time with them more? I don’t— they’re fine. I don’t dislike them, I don’t want to do anything to hurt them, but they’re not—” she shook her head. “I don’t want to be friends with them,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be friends with anyone. I want to go to the library and learn about magic and talk with interesting creatures about new things!”
“You can do those things with friends,” Princess Twilight started.
“I know. But it doesn’t make a difference! I don’t care if I’m talking to someone I’ve agreed to be friends with, or someone I don’t know at all, or someone who I don’t particularly like, even! It’s not the creature, it’s what we’re talking about that makes the difference! I don’t care who they are, I care what we’re doing. And I don’t— I don’t want friends. It just makes me feel guilty. Because they’re clearly feeling something I don’t. That I can’t. Because something’s wrong with me. I— I’m sorry.”
Finally, Luster forced herself to look up, despite how little she wanted to, bracing herself for the disappointment or anger of Princess Twilight’s face.
Instead, she found her looking thoughtfully at her.
“Um, Princess?” Luster asked.
“I’ll admit,” Princess Twilight said after a second. “That’s a new one for me.”
Luster flinched.
“But,” Princess Twilight continued. “I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, Luster.”
Luster stared at her. “But— but you said I’m supposed to want friends.”
“I did,” Princess Twilight said. “Because that was my experience. When I first made my friends, they taught me that I was missing something. But I didn’t feel guilty because of the way I felt towards them. Sometimes I felt guilty because of things that happened. All of us made mistakes from time to time. But I didn’t have to force myself to care about them. It’s not something you can do. Friendship doesn’t work that way.”
“So,” Luster said, looking down again. “So there really is something wrong with me.”
“Luster,” Princess Twilight said gently. “Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You’re my student, you should know that.”
“But if this is supposed to make me happy, and it’s not, doesn’t that mean something’s wrong?” Luster asked, looking hesitantly up again. “I don’t want this thing you’ve said is really important.”
“Well,” Princess Twilight said, inclining her head towards her. “What do you want?”
“I… I want to study magic,” Luster said hesitantly. “Of all different kinds of creatures. I want to understand how it interacts across species, the things it does, and why. I… I think I would really like to know more about how the Magic of Friendship works. Because it makes zero sense to me. But every time I try to make friends, I just…” she shook her head. “I just want to come back to Canderlot and be your student again.”
Princess Twilight considered this for a moment. “Luster,” she said after a second. “Do you not feel like we’re friends?”
Luster winced. “You’re my teacher,” she said quietly. “But you… you feel more like family.”
“Is there a difference for you?” Princess Twilight asked, sounding surprised, and something else, something Luster couldn’t read.
“There isn’t a difference for you?” Luster asked, surprised herself.
Princess Twilight peered closer at her, and suddenly Luster recognized the second emotion. The Princess looked intrigued.
“I have friends so close they feel like family,” Princess Twilight said. “And I’m friends with my family. But those two feelings aren’t normally exclusive for me. Are they really for you?”
“I— I don’t know,” Luster said. “So— so you’re saying that I feel like we’re friends?” But her distaste for the idea must have shown on her face, because Princess Twilight shook her head.
“No, Luster,” she said. “I’m not saying anything about how you feel. That’s not my place to say. I’m just asking questions.”
“What— why?”
“Because this is interesting to me,” Princess Twilight said with a smile. “I’ve never met another pony who sees the world the way you do, and I’d like to hear more about it.” Her smile turned warm. “I’d also like to make you feel better, because I don’t like the idea of somepony I care about feeling like something is wrong with her.”
“But— but I thought friendship was supposed to be important to you. Last time I told you I didn’t want friends, you told me a whole story to explain why I was wrong.”
Princess Twilight gave her a concerned look, but didn’t say anything for a minute. Finally, she sat back a little. “Luster, you know I was a researcher before I became a Princess, right?”
Luster nodded.
“Well, as a researcher, one of the first things I learned about researching itself is that when I don’t understand something, I cannot hurt other ponies in my effort to understand it. You’re right, I don’t understand why you don’t want friends. But the first time you told me that, you seemed perfectly happy with that conclusion, and now you’re telling me you’ve been feeling guilty and stressed. If your conclusion is the same, but now you’re telling me this conclusion is making you feel like something’s wrong with you, when it wasn’t before, clearly I’m the one who’s made a mistake here. So for that, I am very sorry, Luster.”
Luster stared at the Princess for a minute, trying to wrap her head around what she was saying. “I… but… so you… you don’t think there’s something wrong with me?”
Princess Twilight smiled gently. “I’ve known you to be a kind, inquisitive, and helpful pony,” she said. “If you’re not hurting anyone, then no, I don’t think this is something wrong with you.”
“I—” Luster sat back and took a couple breaths. “So— we don’t have to be friends?” she asked, looking up at Princess Twilight.
“Friendship is a two-way street,” Princess Twilight said with a nod. “If you don’t want to be friends, then we’re not friends. What would you like to be instead?”
Luster looked away, fidgeting with her hooves. “Uh… you still kind of feel like family to me,” she muttered. “I don’t— I don’t know if that means you’ll feel like my friend later, or— or what, but—”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything other than what you say it means, Luster,” Princess Twilight said with a warm smile. “And I would be honored to be considered your family.”
Luster looked back at Princess Twilight in shock. “Y— you would be honored?” she sputtered. “But you— you’re the ruler of Equestria!”
“And?” Princess Twilight said, smiling rather teasingly. “I can’t be honored to know you? You’ve taught me quite a bit today, Luster Dawn.”
Luster gaped at her. “I— I taught you?”
Princess Twilight laughed. “You did,” she said. “And I’m looking forward to learning more with you.”
Luster stared up at her some more, and Princess Twilight looked more amused by the second.
“For now,” she said eventually, jolting Luster out of the screaming that was going through her head. “I have some time to spare, since I delegated for the rest of the day. Would you like to come visit Starlight Glimmer with me? She knows quite a bit about magic, I think you’d find the conversation interesting.”
Luster brightened. “Oh, it’s so fun to talk about things with Starlight! She knows so much about magic, I have so many notes I could show you! There are these theories that are just so fascinating and— and you probably know them already, don’t you?” she finished with an awkward chuckle.
“You know what?” Princess Twilight said as they both stood to walk towards the exit of the treehouse. “I’d like you to show me anyway.”