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They had been in Jackson for six months, but the nightmares still hadn’t stopped. If anything, the safety and security of sleeping in a bed, in a house let her mind slip even deeper into sleep where David was always waiting for her.
The dream changed sometimes, but usually, it followed more or less the same pattern. She was trapped in that burning building, pinned to the floor by David.
Some nights, she was haunted by what he could have done - her fingertips grazed the edge of the knife but she was never close enough to grip it.
And other nights, there was no embellishment of reality - she just watched his face slowly transforming from flesh and bone to a puddle.
In a way, she thought the latter was worse. When she woke up screaming in her bed, drenched in sweat as Joel burst through her bedroom door to comfort her, when he said ‘It’s just a dream, baby girl. You’re okay.’ She knew it was a lie. It wasn’t just a dream. It was a memory. It was real.
Tonight, she was having one of those nightmares. One where she got to relive the worst moments of her life in painstaking detail. Somehow, it was almost worst than the first time. There was no veil of disbelief and fear. A concussion wasn’t blurring the edges of her vision. It was raw, clear, and real. The sound of his skull crushing under the strength of her blows wasn’t lost among the crackling of the fire.
This time, she must have screamed loud enough in her sleep that Joel woke before she did. She awoke to Joel shaking her by her shoulders.
“GET OFF OF ME! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!!” Ellie howled, so loud her voice became rough around the edges from the strain. She squirmed, kicked, and punched until Joel took a single step back, raising his hands in surrender.
“Ellie, it’s just me. It’s Joel. You’re safe. We’re in Jackson.” He reminded her in a firm, yet gentle tone.
Ellie blinked away the shock and took a breath. It’s over, she told herself. It’s over. You did that. But you had no choice and it’s over now. You’re not a killer. You’re not a murderer. You did what you had to do. She recited the mantra she had developed over months to herself.
Joel knew she always needed a minute in her own thoughts to reconnect to reality. They’d developed kind of a system. Order of operations. The habits and routines they’d attached to these nights comforted Ellie. It helped to know that there was a path back to normalcy. She’d recite those facts to herself. Then she’d examine her hands for blood. Once Joel saw her do that, he’d know she’d be comfortable with his presence again and he’d sit on the edge of her bed, holding her and reassuring her for however long it took. Then, they’d both go down to the kitchen. Ellie would drink a glass of milk while Joel made himself coffee if he was lucky enough to have any rations of it in the cupboard. After that, they’d sit on the couch together, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking, sometimes he’d put on one of the old VHS tapes they had and they’d just hear the familiar sounds of a movie they’d heard countless times but never actually watched. And eventually, Ellie would slump over and fall asleep again with her head on his lap.
This time was different.
When Ellie raised her hands this time, her skin was red with blood, her fingertips still sticky with the drying substance. “WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?!” She shrieked before she lost her ability to form words and she was just producing howling wails of horror.
Joel bridged the gap between them immediately, unnoticed to Ellie who couldn’t take her eyes off her trembling hands.
“You’re here. You’re in Jackson. You’re not back there, baby girl.” Joel attempted, trying to keep the fear out of his own voice. He figured she must have scratched herself or something during her struggle, but still, the site of blood sent a chill down his spine. Especially because he knew this time it was her blood.
Joel pulled back her blankets and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. This poor girl really couldn’t get a break. Her pajama pants were soaked through with blood, a bit of it getting on the sheets and blankets as well. Ellie had never mentioned her period to him before and he’d never asked. He always did his best to give her as much privacy as he could when it came to hygiene and bathroom stuff. And she certainly wasn’t the type to complain about how she was feeling, especially when it was something as personal as that. He remembered how even Sarah seemed to feel particularly private and secretive after the first few times when she needed his support and help to deal with it. And Ellie was typically much less open about herself than Sarah was.
Then a thought occurred to him, a thought that terrified him more than a clicker. Maybe Ellie had never gotten her period before. Maybe she didn’t know what was happening to her. He couldn’t imagine how terrifying that would be if you didn’t know what to expect. Sarah had been forewarned by sex-ed classes at school and a painfully awkward conversation Joel had attempted himself and he still remembered how much it scared her the first time. She doubted that was what was happening and instead convinced herself she was dying before she sprinted out of a public bathroom, to Joel’s side with tears in her eyes. A kind woman, passing them on her way into the bathroom, offered to help Sarah if she needed and they disappeared behind the bathroom doors together for what felt like an eternity. Joel had felt bad there wasn’t more he could have done that day, but they also both knew it was the most comfortable outcome for them both. He still thought about that woman and hoped she hadn't suffered too much in the years that followed.
“Ellie…?” He attempted awkwardly, but nothing could get her attention off her hands. She’d stopped screaming, which would have been an improvement except now she was near hyperventilating instead. Joel took another step closer and sat down beside her. “Hey, Ellie…” He said a bit more firmly, trying to draw her attention back to reality.
Ellie’s eyes moved over to Joel for a second, then back to her hands. He realized she hadn’t even noticed he’d pulled back the covers and seen where the blood had originated. “Have you ever gotten your period before?” Joel asked, the urgency of needing her to understand what was happening outweighed the awkwardness.
“What?” Ellie mumbled, her eyes moving back to Joel for a moment, confused, before going back to her hands. Shit. He thought. This must be the first time. In the moment he was trying to process his next move, Ellie spoke again. “Yeah, but…”
Joel nodded. “Okay, Ellie, I need you to look down for me. Look at your waist. But don’t get scared, baby, I think you’ve just got your period. No one hurt you. You’re okay.” Joel’s heart ached for her, for the pain and fear she had to endure so often. He watched carefully as Ellie slowly followed his instructions. Her eyes slowly drifted past her hands and she blinked a few times before looking back at Joel.
“Oh.” She didn’t look embarrassed, a fact that may have been a relief to Joel if he didn’t think she was simply too scared and traumatized to be embarrassed.
“Do you think you can stand on your own, baby girl?” He asked gently, putting his hand on her shoulder, relieved when she didn’t flinch. She very slowly lowered her hands but did not break her eye contact with them. Ellie gave a slight nod.
“Okay. Why don’t you take a nice hot shower and I’ll get things cleaned up here?” Joel suggested. Ellie nodded again and began to move very slowly, removing her legs from the bed, feet pressing the floor, and eventually rising to stand. He was reminded of those early days after Silverlake when she was more a zombie than a person.
“Holler if you need me!” Joel instructed as Ellie slowly trudged out of her room and towards the bathroom. He sighed. Part of him wanted to follow her, help her get towels out, turn on the water and make sure the temperature was just right. But this was Ellie. Ellie wasn’t the little girl he had bathed as a baby hundreds of times. Ellie hadn’t built her private boundaries as she became more able to care for herself. Ellie had been born in a world and a life where she only had herself to take care of those things and the last thing Joel wanted to do was to violate those lifelong boundaries by trying to help. At the very least, he hoped it helped her to regain some sense of herself again, to be empowered by her own ability to clean and care for her body.
Next, he made work of gathering up the sheets and bedding off the bed. Most of the damage seemed to have been to her pants, at least. Once he removed the sheets he was pleased to see the mattress was unscathed. Joel busied himself making the bed with military precision and carefully opened Ellie’s drawers in hunt of clean pajamas. He didn’t want to invade her privacy, but he also knew she wouldn’t want to walk back in here wearing just a towel and her previous clothes were in no state to be worn.
Thankfully, the first drawer he opened had an acceptable-looking pair of pajamas right on top. He took the neatly folded pair out, momentarily marveling at how tidy her clothes were compared to Sarah’s, probably a leftover trait of FEDRA military school, and headed down the hall. He placed the stack of clothes outside the bathroom door, relieved to hear the sound of running water. Joel gently knocked on the door. “Take as long as you need, but I’m leaving clean pajamas right here. I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”
With that, Joel changed his own shirt, and headed downstairs. This was uncharted territory for them and he wanted to respect her. If she wanted to go to bed without another word and without Joel there, he didn’t want to interrupt that. But if she wanted to lay on the couch with him like they usually did, he wanted to be there for her.
When he heard the bathroom door open and close again, he was relieved she’d heard him and taken the clean clothes. When he heard the door open again, he braced himself for her decision. He felt a mix of relief and a bit of anxiety when he heard her footsteps coming downstairs. He stood to greet her.
“Hey…” He offered simply, testing how her she was feeling.
“Hi.” She mumbled. She seemed a bit more herself, if not absolutely miserable. Joel placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and led her over to the couch.
“Here, I’ve got a blanket for you, or your beds all clean too if you’d rather…” He offered awkwardly, wanting to make sure she knew she had a choice. Ellie just nodded, accepting the blanket and wrapping herself in it before plopping down on the couch. Joel quickly scurried into the kitchen and back holding an object Ellie had never seen before.
“Hot water bottle.” Joel explained. “You can hold it to your stomach and it should make the cramps hurt less if that’s bothering you.” Ellie nodded again, accepting the object and holding it to her stomach. He watched as her shoulders visibly sagged in relief. How many times had she been in pain and walked for hours and hours, miles and miles without saying a word? Even in Jackson, how many months had she suffered when some level of comfort was just shoved in an old drawer, unused by her?
Joel sat down beside her and Ellie immediately adjusted herself so she was laying on his lap. No pretending tonight. No acting stronger than she was. Tonight, she was a scared kid grappling with trauma and physical pain. “Joel?” Ellie said finally, as Joel had begun to brush through her wet hair with his fingers.
“Thank you for not making this totally fucking awkward.” Joel smiled, relieved both to hear a glimmer of the old Ellie in her voice and that she thought he hadn’t made it awkward.
“Nothing to feel awkward about.” He assured her. "You're just becoming a woman." He added in a teasing tone, causing Ellie to smack him gently.
"A woman who can kick your ass." She reminded him in a mumble. Joel laughed, relieved to see the old Ellie was still there. Then they drifted into a comfortable silence. They’d been in a similar position on this couch enough times that they both knew if Ellie needed to talk about her dream or anything else, she could. But for now, they were both enjoying the comfort and reminder that they were both together, safe and warm and far away from the contents of her nightmares.