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it was another perfect day in Velvetview, and everyone was excite because mayor Velvet was hosting sped dating event as a fundraisererer
the goal of the fundraisererer was to raise awareness about wifeses. they weren’t in any troubles or anything, Velvet just thought it would be neat if more people were awareses of them
the event worked like this:
1) there was a table in the town hall
b) there was two chairs next to the table in the town hall
5 – in one chair sat mayor Velvet
triangle square) in the other chair was where the other person, the prospective speed dateé, was going to sit and try to woo mayor Velvet
2) there was a bell that you hit and it went riiing
that was all the ruleses. since everyone in town wanted to date mayor Velvet (obviously), there was already a huge line waiting outside
the time was getting close to time, and then the clock became time
the speed dating was begin
the first speed dateé was yang xiao long. she ran in, sat down, and immediately punched the hecc out of the bell
the bell went riiing
“boom!” she yell “got it, baybee, world record! no skips no glitches, any percent!”
Mayor Velvet blinked at her.
“so did I win?” yang ask
“yang, you know this isn’t a competition, right? You’re not supposed to win or lose.”
“what? but then why is it called speed dating?” yang pout “i am speed”
“No, you’re not. Your sister is. And maybe that chick from the Ace Ops, harriet bree, but she’s kinda annoying to be honest,” Velvet said. “Sorry, yang. Better luck next time.”
She hit the bell, and it went riiing.
the next dateé was jaune
“it me, jaune” jaune say, introducing himself
Velvet eyed him, rubbing her chin in deep thought.
“I’ll be honest, jaune. I didn’t expect to see you here today.”
jaune was sadness “is it because you hate me?”
“Hate you? I don’t hate you,” Velvet said. “I mean, I can see why you’d think that, I did sorta kill you in an alternate universe. Spoilers. But I also gave you lots of cool things to do there. Would I have done that if I hated you?”
She said all this to the air, and to no one in particular.
jaune was hope “so you love me?”
“I wouldn’t go that far, now. I like you.” Velvet crossed her arms. “At worst, I’d say I’m ambivalent towards you.”
Jaune was surprise “but everyone either hate me or love me!” he exclaimed “woah. such nuance from you, mayor Velvet. you’re so smart. no one else thinks like you do”
Velvet chuckled. “I know. There truly is no one like me.”
She wasn’t wearing any glasses she could push up her nose at that moment, but if she was, she would have certainly done that.
“Anyways, you’re cool, but I’m gonna have to skip you,” Velvet said. “Sorry, jaune. You’re just too young for me.”
“but we are pretty much same age!” jaune shout
“Yes, and that’s the issue. I’d much prefer it if you were twenty to thirty years older,” Velvet said. “Come back when you look like a zaddy.”
She hit the bell, and it went riiing.
the next interesting dateé came after about fifteen other participants
“Hello, samus aran from genre-defining video game franchise Metroid,” said Velvet. “Are you here to speed date me? Feel free to sit down.”
samus aran from Metroid sat down. she was wearing her power suit, and she didn’t say any wordses
“Right, you’re the quiet type,” Velvet said. “No worries, I can work with that. So let’s get started, shall we?”
She took out a clipboard.
“Let’s see what you wrote down when you signed up. Name: samus aran. Already knew that. Age: 36. Checks out. You look good for your age. Species: human-Chozo hybrid. Hot. Hobbies: killing Metroids.”
Velvet looked up from the clipboard.
“Is that why you’re here, samus? Is Velvetview infested with Metroids?”
samus shook her head
“Good. That’d be worrisome,” Velvet said. “So, are you here to kill Ridley instead? That’s the next item on your list.”
samus shook her head
“Okay.” Velvet took another look at the clipboard. “So, next item. Your third favorite hobby is protecting ‘the baby’.”
all of a suddenly, samus aran sat up straight. her helmet disappear and she look at Velvet with wide eyes
Velvet smiled. samus without her helmet! She didn’t even have to beat the game under 2 hours or collect all items to see that.
“the baby” said samus
Velvet blinked. “Excuse me? Do you mean the baby Metroid which you found in the ending of Metroid II: Return of Samus, released in 1991, which was then kidnapped by Ridley in the 1994 sequel Super Metroid and subsequently sacrificed itself to save you from Mother Brain in the game’s climactic final boss battle?”
“the baby”
Velvet’s smile turned into a frown. She didn’t like where this was going.
“the baby”
“Right, I got that already,” Velvet said. “Did you lose the baby? Is it in danger?”
samus put her face on her hands, shaking badily “the baby”
“Okay, this is getting old.” Velvet glared at the bounty hunter. “samus! Is the baby in Velvetview? Did you track it here?”
suddenly, samus look up
“baby’s cry” she said “it was as though it was crying specifically for me”
Velvet couldn’t believe this. This could have been a dream come true, but instead she got the samus aran from infamous franchise black sheep Metroid: Other M, released in 2010 for the Nintendo Wii.
She hit the bell, and it went riiing.
harriet breeeeeee ran in and hit the bell. it went riiing
“boom! got it, baybee, world record! no skips no glitches, any-”
“This isn’t a competition!” Velvet shouted.
harriet looked at her “but I am speed?”
Velvet hit the bell, and it went riiing.
“Go away.”
“i hope we’re not disqualififying ourselves by coming in together”
“it’s just that we do everything together these days since we became wifeses”
“so we thought, why should speed dating mayor Velvet be any different?”
“this won’t be a issue, right??”
Velvet stared at weiss and blake, her brain short-circuiting, her palms sweating, mom’s spaghetti.
Finally, she managed to get some words out of her mouth.
“I never thought the day would come,” she muttered.
weiss and blake look at each other, then at Velvet
“so we are not disqualififyed?” blake ask
“N-no. You two are okay. Oh God.” Velvet wiped her lips with the sleeve of her shirt. “Uhm, but to be fair to everyone, we still gotta talk for a bit. At least a minute. S-so I can make my decision! I need help with that, for sure, for sure!”
“ahah! i came prepared exactily for this!” weiss declare “take a look”
she took out a calendar out of her pocket (it was a dress pocket) and gave it to Velvet
“this is a chronogram of kissing times” weiss explain “it says the time of day you should be kissing me, when you should be kissing blake, when blake should be kissing me, and when we should all be kissing each otherses”
Velvet gulped. “That’s very helpful…”
blake peeked at the chronogram. “wait! it’s kissing-each-otherses time! we need to do it right now!!”
weiss and blake started edging towards Velvet. She yelled and hit the bell. It went riiing.
“I’m sorry!” she yelled, ears folded atop her head. “It’s just too much! I’d die!”
“but we could have been so happy together!” weiss said
“we could have had threesome” blake agreed
Velvet hit the bell again, and again, again, and each time it went riiing. “Too much! Too much!”
disappointed, weiss and blake got up and walked away. as they left, weiss whisper to blake
“i knew we should have gone separate, and only brought up threesome later” she say
blake shook her head in sadness“it would have been hotter than threesome with the naked ghost of adam taurus”
(author’s note: this is a reference to the day weiss and blake tossed jacques out of a window: a very wifeses side-story)
“ech! yuck! don’t bring that up!” weiss say “quick, let’s go make out in that corner”
“hot” said blake
jaune sat down in front of mayor Velvet again, except this time he was wear a fake moustache
“jaune.” Velvet stared at him critically. “What are you doing here? You already had your turn.”
“you said to come back when i look like a zaddy”
he brushed his fake mustache and winked at her
“You know that’s not what I meant,” Velvet said. “I admire the effort, though. The very little effort.”
She hit the bell, and it went riiing.
the next participant sat down
“Oh, hi there. I don’t think we have met before…” Velvet glanced at her clipboard- “…yor naim?”
“it’s pronounced [your name]”
Velvet decided she would keep calling [him/her/them] yor naim in her head. Much more convenient.
“So, tell me a little bit about yourself. How old are you?”
“i’m [your age]” yor naim said, brushing [his/her/their] [your hair color] hair away from [his/her/their] eyes “i’m a [human/faunus/elf/half-elf/undead/vampire]”
“Interesting,” Velvet said. “What are your hobbies?”
“i love [videogames/anime/books/movies] but i also like [sports/chess/exercise]. i’m kind of a recluse, though”
Velvet raised an eyebrow at that. “Oh? How so?”
“i don’t like to talk about it, but i have a tragic backstory” yor naim said. [his/her/their] [your eye color] eyes glimmered with tears “i was abused, and also my [dad/mom/parents/sister/brother/whole family/best friend] died when i was very young. i never got over it. but it’s what made me the person i am today!”
“How tragic. And how did you end up in Velvetview?”
“i got hit by a truck”
Velvet lowered her clipboard. “Huh?”
“i got hit by a truck, and then i woke up here in this strange town” yor name said “there was a voice in my head, it was a goddess of [creation/destruction/peace/chaos/love/lust]. she told me there’s a prophecy about me. i’m meant to [save/destroy/seduce] the world”
“You don’t say.”
“i’m already a level 15 [warrior/rogue/wizard/cleric/bard/warlock/paladin/seductionist]”
Velvet’s eye twitched. She really ought to have a look at security around this place.
“It was lovely meeting you, [your name], but I’m afraid we aren’t quite a match.” She hit the bell, and it went riiing. “Good luck on your quest.”
yor naim got up. Velvet glared at [his/her/their] back as [he/she/they] walked away.
“I fucking hate self-inserts.”
jaune approach the table again. this time he was wear a fake mustache AND a beard
“hey, it me, juane arc, jaune arc’s long lost twin brother”
Velvet looked up at him.
“No.”
She hit the bell, and it went riiing.
The next participant walked up to the table and sat down on the vacant chair. She stared at Velvet for a long time, until the mayor finally looked up from her clipboard to meet her gaze.
“Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn’t hear you sit down…” her voice dropped. “…me.”
The other Velvet smiled.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, miss mayor.”
Her eyes shimmered mischievously
Velvet shivered. Cold sweat began to build up on the back of her neck. Something was wrong here, deeply, deeply wrong. Yet in her heart of hearts, she could think of only one thing.
Velvcest?
“I am not here for Velvcest,” the spookier, sexy other Velvet said.
Velvet swallowed dry. “Then why are you here?”
“Shouldn’t you know? I am you, after all. You are me.”
But she didn’t. Velvet couldn’t begin to unravel the reason why she was staring at herself right now, in this setting. All she knew was a slowly encroaching panic.
“You’re asking yourself the wrong question,” Spooky Sexy Velvet said. “Maybe the question isn’t why I’m here, but rather why you’re here.”
“Didn’t you just say we’re the same person?” Velvet squeaked.
“Don’t be a smartass.”
Spooky Sexy Velvet gestured at the town hall around them.
“Look. Why here? Why this place? Why the speed dating?”
“B-because it’s a funny concept that lends itself to multiple gags and biting but self-aware satire?”
“Hmm, yes. The gags were quite funny.” Spooky Sexy Velvet grinned. “The Metroid gag had me cry-laughing.”
[Author’s Note: if a piece of media is self-aware, then it cannot be criticized.]
“But wouldn’t you rather be somewhere else, mayor? Isn’t there something else you’d rather be doing?”
Velvcest.
“Not that, you pervert!”
“Then I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Spooky Sexy Velvet threw her hands up. “We’re back here, when we’re supposed to be writing other things! Get on with it already, and stop coming back to wifeses!”
Velvet gasped. “But wifeses is fun, everybody loves it!”
“Maybe that’s true-”
[Author’s Note: it’s true.]
“-but it’s not what you’re meant to be writing right now. You’ve got other things to get to first, and they’re not going to write themselves! Also, the next time we visited the wifeses-verse was supposed to be the finale, where Pyrrha confronts you for the puppet master you are and then you freak out and become mad with power and then the residents of Velvetview – including Buffy the vampire slayer - band together to put an end to your tyrannical reign!”
A moment of silence passed.
“Fuck, did I just spoil the ending?” Spooky Sexy Velvet whispered.
Velvet smiled. “Now I can’t be blamed if I never get around to writing it.”
Spooky Sexy Velvet smacked the table, causing mayor Velvet to jump. She looked at her doppelganger, and she wasn’t sexy anymore. She was just spooky.
“Stop fucking around, and get back to writing real stuff! Real, meaningful stuff that will spread unbridled joy and bring inner peace to everyone in the world!” Spooky Velvet shouted. “It is your calling! Your destiny and reason for being!”
She stood up, towering over Velvet like a nightmarish demon straight out of the nine heccs. Spooky Velvet slowly raised her hand above her head…
“Do it! Wake up!”
…and hit the bell. It went-”
Riiing.
Velvet woke up with a gasp. She pushed herself up from her desk and blinked blearily, realizing she had been resting right over her papers. Luckily, it looked like she hadn’t damaged or crumpled them while she slept.
“Wew. That was a weird dream,” she said to herself. “Should I examine it?”
She thought about it for a second.
“Nah.” She picked up her pen. “Back to writing!”