Chapter Text
Virgins
derek: guys
derek: whoever gets me elle greenaways new number i’ll love u forever
penelope: no take backs
emily: why in gods name do u need ms greenaways number..
emily: freak
JJ: elle is too good for u
JJ: stick to the fuglies that acc want u
emily: idk whats wrong w them. looking at him like he birthed jesus
aaron: the dick riding is lit crazy
derek: GIRL 😭
emily: id say im sorry but im just not
derek: this is why no one likes u
aaron: look whos talking??
derek: the hell!? 😭
derek: where is my wifey
derek: she would give me the number no questions asks
aaron: but we’re asking them
emily: so answer them
penelope: im curious cant lie wont lie
derek: wtaf
derek: is this what betrayal feels like..
JJ: stfu and answer
JJ: why do u need her number
derek: literally just for the drama that happened in my psych class GAWDDD
derek: its just some guy she used to see
derek: u nosey mfs needa know everything or what
aaron: saying that and leaving us hanging is criminal
emily: i just cant believe shes mingling with u
emily: why she wanna hang around the likes of u is beyond me
derek: mingling 💀 who r u
emily: this is why no one likes you 🤓🤓
derek: BLOCKED WTF
emily: acting like i care!
penelope: he is empty on those threats girl dw
emily: damn i was excited for a sec
derek: for a lesbian u r so homophobic
derek: hating me bc im gay and shit like
emily: with good reason
derek: pen pls just give me elles new number plz 😭
derek: sick of emily and her bullshit
penelope: anything for u my muse 💋
penelope: xxx-xxx-xxx
JJ: no left hand texting derek
JJ: for everyones sake
derek: u all disgust me!
aaron: if elle rlly wanted to text you she’d give u her new number herself..
JJ: ong
derek: bye
Derek and Unknown Number
derek: HEY ELLLEEEEE
derek: penelope gave me ur number hope thats ok pooks
derek: not without everyone else being little emily dick riders 😒
derek: i get why u left their classes now ong like
derek: ANYWAY
derek: i hope u remember casey bc hes in my psych class and.. 💀
derek: girl i have sm to tell u
derek: and ik what ur thinking
derek: yes hes still wearing those cardigans
???: Hello. As confused as I am by your texts I assume they’re meant for someone else? My name isn’t Elle and I certainly don’t remember anyone named Casey who wears cardigans.
???: I myself am in a psychology class too, though. I thought I’d clear up that I’m not a middle aged man as I’m told I can text like one.
???: Sorry for any inconvenience or embarrassment I’ve caused but I figured it’s smarter to let you know you have the wrong number.
derek: yh ok ur deffo not elle
derek: who r u 😭
???: I’d believe it best to keep my name to myself for the time being.
derek: i can get it out of u yet huh
???: I suppose, if you try hard enough.
derek: OOOKKAYYYYY 😝 im liking where this is going
Virgins
derek: WHAT DA HELLLLLLL
derek: MAMA WHOS NUMBER DID U GIVE ME BC I KNOW THAT AINT MY GIRL ELLE
emily: ur girl..
derek: shur up emily im in a crisis rn
derek: texting some freak who uses upper case and periods
derek: show some compassion bc im SHAKING
emily: RUN WTH 😭
derek: nah im kinda into it
derek: they flirting w me and shit
penelope: ooh you a freak! 😋
JJ: slut more like?
aaron: no way i read that right
emily: ur making aaron second guess himself. look what youve done.
JJ: ur such a whore they probably arent even flirtinggggg
emily: literally real
aaron: me and derek met when he propositioned himself to me
emily: the crazy thing is i acc believe that
derek: WHY R U LYINGGGGG
derek: yr all anti black what the hellll
penelope: also pooks i gave u elles real number
emily: ur fat fingers mistyped it
JJ: LMFAOOOOOOOO
derek: STAWP RN 😭😭😭
aaron: emily u better take that back bc hes gonna start going back to the gym 24/7
aaron: pls, as the person who has to room w him. spare me.
emily: fuuuuck u make a good point
emily: im sorry derder
derek: 💀
derek: for realsies what should i do now
emily: why u asking us like we pull
emily: thats why we hang around w you
penelope: aaron pulls istg
aaron: stay jealous?
emily: why r u still single then like
emily: just bc ur hot doesnt mean u got game
aaron: hot? 🫡
emily: im lesbian pls
aaron: ok? 💋
JJ: if this gc ever gets leaked aarons getting cancelled so fast
derek: i’ll drink to that
emily: youll drink to anything slut
derek: BYEEEE
Derek and Unknown Number
???: I’m not too sure if we’re on the same train of thought as to where this is going, but I’ll be honest and say I’m entertained. I’ve had my fair share of wrong number texts or scams yet I’ve never had a full conversation like I have with you.
derek: if idk ur name what can i call u
???: I’ll leave that up to you, I suppose. The question goes both ways. Don’t share your name if you’re uncomfortable with it.
derek: i have an array of nicknames. take ur pick
derek: chocolate thunder
derek: hot chocolate
derek: man chocolate
???: Before you continue, can I ask if all of them involve chocolate?
derek: dont jump to conclusions. theres also sugar
???: Ah, I see.
derek: do u like any of em ;)
???: Not necessarily to refer to you on a regular basis, no. Sorry.
derek: booooooooo
derek: u can just call me derek then
???: Is that your real name?
derek: sure is
???: It feels unfair for you to share your name and for me to withhold mine.
derek: no pressure srsly dude
derek: shit
derek: are u a dude
???: I am male, yes. Also, it’s no worries, I was just keeping my name secret incase you were a potential threat.
???: My name is Spencer.
derek: and now ur sure im not a threat
Spencer: Well, I don’t think I can be certain, but I can say that I’m very rarely wrong, even when it comes to educated guesses. I only tend to fall short in conversations relating to pop culture and current fads, I guess. I assume you’d outsmart me here.
derek: cocky little thing arnt u
derek: i’d amaze ur ass w my pop culture knowledge
Spencer: It’s not necessarily cockiness, more facts than anything.
derek: so what ur like a genius
Spencer: Definition wise, yes. I have an IQ of 187 and am able to read 20,000 words per minute. I also have an eidetic memory.
Spencer: Sorry if it sounds like I’m bragging. I’m just trying to share more about myself while simultaneously answering your question.
derek: what. the fuck?
derek: ur crazy cool
Spencer: I mean it when I say that’s the first time someone has ever referred to me as ‘cool’, let alone ‘crazy cool’.
derek: and i mean it like holy shit man
derek: alr so since we’re both doing psychology and ur insanely smart u’ll help w my hw???,
derek: pls say yes
Spencer: I’d always be happy to help but I’m against doing it all for you. That way you don’t actually learn anything which is, obviously, not beneficial.
derek: i’ll take it 🎉
derek: where r u studying
Spencer: I attend Calteach where I’ve done my previous Ph.Ds and B.As.
derek: PREVIOUS PHDS ⁉️⁉️
derek: u rlly are a genius
derek: how old r u if u dont mind me asking.. bc holy shit dude thats impressive
Spencer: I’m 19.
derek: if i could use the vine boom to show my shock i would
Spencer: I think that’s a compliment. Thank you?
derek: it is dw
Spencer: If I can ask, where do you study?
derek: bummer bc we’re so far away
derek: i go to UVA
Spencer: A rough 39 hour drive, unfortunately, from California to Virginia.
Spencer: A flight would be much quicker, though probably more expensive. There are a lot of variables that would factor into the argument of which is cheaper so I can't say for sure.
derek: i’ll store that away for when i need it
Spencer: Glad to help. :)
Virgins
derek: ok like why he cutieeeee
emily: just when i think i have peace.. 😕
JJ: oh nawwwwhhhhh
JJ: i cant do this today
aaron: soon we’re gonna b hit with “hes the one”
aaron: if we go based on previous events
emily: STAWP
penelope: being replaced 🥲🥲🥲
derek: never my snookums
derek: my wife forever
emily: derek has two hands
emily: and if he wants to share one with some freak he texted on accident then who are we to judge
aaron: im judging. heavily
emily: new years resolution! im trying to be more kind 🤗🌸
derek: its september girlie
emily: ok im also judging. im done thinking of excuses
penelope: tell us about this wonder boy youve found urself then
derek: his name is spencer <3 hes 19 <3 hes studying psych at calteach <3 he has multiple other BAs and phds <3 hes stupid smart <3 a LITERAL genius by definition <3
penelope: wtf
penelope: can we share? 🐶🥺❤️
JJ: a smart man mmmmhmmmmmm yup yup
JJ: im intrigued
aaron: sorry emily i get it
emily: i hate gay ppl
emily: u men lovers need to go outside
derek: ok emily
JJ: do u know what he looks like
derek: no <///3
derek: i feel like asking is weird,,
penelope: is it tho? 👀
emily: it is tho.*
emily: penelope u just wanna know if hes cute
penelope: we all do 😵
penelope: ur not different emily ur just WEIRD
JJ: ily em but i stand with penny ✊
emily: bye
emily: jj dont make me get invested in this to win back ur love
JJ: im doing just that
emily: fml.
derek: welcome emily. NO ONE is glad to have u here 😄
derek: its just for fun anyway
derek: procrastinating who! i have spencer to text
penelope: or something more tha fun?!!-?? 👀
derek: sure?
emily: i cant believe i signed up for this..
JJ: :)
emily: dont. im mad at u rn
JJ: :)
emily: ihy
emily: :)
derek: ur gay we get it this is my moment
emily: ok attention whore 💀