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"hyung," sanghyuk mumbles, his voice heavy with sleep but not for much longer. "hyung where are you going?"
taekwoon stops, hands hesitating on his shoes as he pulls them on. he sighs, and it feels like he's using the very last of his energy. every bit of his body aches, and he knows he should be sleeping, but its two in the morning and taekwoon knows the only thing left for him in that bed is restlessness.
at least outside, the moon is bright and stunning and the city is alive with activity. it's electric atmosphere is what draws taekwoon in.
"i'm just going for a walk, sanghyuk," he replies finally. the younger is probably too tired to believe anything he says (he probably thinks this is all just a dream), but taekwoon simply doesn't have the effort to lie to him.
taekwoon ties the laces to his converse softly, trying to give sanghyuk whatever remnants he has of sleep back to him—he tries to give him the chance that taekwoon doesn't have himself.
but there's a shuffle of sheets and taekwoon turns his head.
"i'm coming, too." the voice is small, just as mumbled as before (well, not as much, because there's no pillow pressed into sanghyuk's face this time), only its more assured, more energetic. awake.
taekwoon sighs, hating himself for waking sanghyuk, and weakly says, "no, sanghyuk, go back to sleep."
but sanghyuk already has his shoes in his hand and he's pulling them on too fast for taekwoon to stop him.
"s-sanghyuk, no." he's quiet and firm and sanghyuk stops. taekwoon thinks he sees sanghyuk's eyes narrow, but maybe its just the shadows. "go back to sleep."
"i can't. you know that, hyung."
taekwoon does know that. he knows that sanghyuk gets as many night terrors as he does. he knows that sanghyuk wakes up alone and scared in the middle of the night with sweat on his brow and his breath in his throat.
he knows the feeling of waking and closing your eyes but to no avail. he knows the feeling of alone and the feeling of cold and the only way he can handle it is to accept the cold and the alone.
but this is the idol life. constant travel, constant working, constant practice, constant schedules that leave them all feeling empty and tired and with far too little of themselves left after each day.
sanghyuk knew what he was getting into. at least that's what taekwoon tells himself. he knew that this was hard and tiresome. he knew that three hours of sleep would be the norm and that your mind is usually to mind is too worked up to accept that time when it comes. he knew that this wasn't a holiday or a vacation—it was a career, a way of life.
he knew, taekwoon tells himself. didn't he?
sanghyuk is different, though, when he wakes with a jolt and a scream, because taekwoon has no idea what he is fighting when sleep claims.
(it must be something horrible, though, judging by the murmurs and the terror that breaks free from the restraints sanghyuk no doubt has up.)
taekwoon sighs reluctantly, "you should be asleep. hakyeon will kill us both if he finds out."
"hakyeon-hyung hasn't found out yet. and nothing is going to help me here." there's a reservation in sanghyuk's voice, an acceptance, and though taekwoon had wished that sanghyuk had opened his eyes and finally see, he hates the way the words twist his lips.
it's wrong.
taekwoon sighs again, and nods his head. he notices the way that sanghyuk doesn't beam or clap his hands in excitement anymore. he only nods back, the movement detached and barely there.
(but maybe it's just due to the lack of sleep, taekwoon tells himself.)
they each grab their coats, hanging up, and shrug the things on. their manager is no doubt asleep, and so are the rest of the members (because no one suffers like sanghyuk and taekwoon), but taekwoon's given up on bothering to check by this point.
+ +
the city is foreign and new, and when they escape the hotel they find themselves enveloped in bright colours and loud noises that they never knew existed. sanghyuk is smiling, now, and the sleep and the nightmares have seemed to evaporate from his body completely.
taekwoon finds himself smiling as well, staring at sanghyuk as the younger walks through the park. it's cold and chilly and taekwoon hates the cold, but sanghyuk is making everything warm simply by the way he exists.
(taekwoon is envious.)
"hyung," sanghyuk says softly, waking a few steps ahed of taekwoon. he points to something up in the sky. it's a star, bright and alive, and taekwoon looks up to see millions of them twinkling, galaxies away. "look, hyung."
taekwoon looks down before he finds himself entranced, and he grins. he's helpless, absolutely disarmed and completely vulnerable to sanghyuk's spell. taekwoon didn't think he had it in him to smile, but sanghyuk seems to make everything okay.
(taekwoon wonders a little if that face is just a mask.)
"yes, hyuk, i see." he glances to sanghyuk, and there's a glint in eye that reflects all the stars in the sky above them. sanghyuk blushes in the darkness, and he smiles bashfully; taekwoon finds it hard to speak as his breath stops, watching the boy in front of him.
(no, that can't be a mask, it can't be a mask at all.)
it seems eerily normal, this, walking around the strange city and it's strange park with it's same stars and it's same moon. taekwoon reminds himself to hold onto this moment forever; it's worlds away from anything they ever get.
taekwoon pulls out his phone, and even though hongbin has all the talent with this stuff, he manages to take a nice photo of sanghyuk, staring up at the sky, smiling pulling at his cheeks, hands buried into his pockets.
it's cute, he thinks, and it's certainly a keeper.
he decides that the next eighteen are keepers, too, each of them capturing one more thing that he admires about sanghyuk.
taekwoon tucks the device back into his pocket after a while, and he smiles to himself. sanghyuk slows a little beside him, and then to an eventual stop.
"hyung?" sanghyuk asks, spinning around a little to face taekwoon. "why do we have to go back? i mean, we could just run away, right now. get new clothes and get new identities..."
the smile on his face betrays how serious he is, and taekwoon can't help but giggle at sanghyuks imagination. he and sanghyuk walk further through the park, and taekwoon realises something. if given the choice, they'd both pick this (the city and the smiles and the adventure) rather than that (the sleepless nights and the tired limbs).
taekwoon tries to push the regret away, and forces his focus on sanghyuk. the younger is pressing on down the path, shivering, and taekwoon envelops an arm around him.
"c'mon, we should go back. it's almost four," he murmurs into sanghyuk's neck, not anticipating the tingles that race up his spine.
"hyung," sanghyuk whines, breathy and light and taekwoon pulls himself away from the junction between sanghyuk's neck and his shoulder hesitantly. there's a blush across his cheeks, and taekwoon prays that sanghyuk doesn't notice the colour.
"hyung, i don't want to leave."
sanghyuk buries his hands into taekwoon's jacket, underneath the thick fabric. they brush dangerously close to his chest, and taekwoon has to suck in a breath.
sanghyuk is rubbing up against him in the most innocent way—all he wants is warmth—but it's driving taekwoon crazy. he wraps both arms around the younger's frame, allowing him closer.
sanghyuk seems not to notice taekwoon's state, and nuzzles into taekwoon's collar, mumbling incoherent noises into the junction. when his nose touches skin, taekwoon stiffens, and he hates the way that sanghyuk pulls back, worry torn across his face and swirling in his eyes.
he especially hates the way he leans forward, closing his eyes and placing his lips to sanghyuk's. it feels right—it feels fantastic—but now it's sanghyuk who's stiff under the fingers that are slipping to tilt his jaw up.
sanghyuk tastes like toothpaste, minty and fresh, but it doesn't last.
the only lasting taste on taekwoon's lips is bitterness, as sanghyuk pushes him away with a harsh breath to take a step back.
"i'm not gay, hyung."