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Eunhyeok did not put much effort into dissecting his emotions. After years of frustration and confusion, it seemed frivolous. That's not to say that he was emotionally inept, but he made a choice to try and let things go, to not get swept up in them when he could help it. They were exhausting. This restraint shatters in the face of Shim Su-ae almost immediately when she comes to home room with a thick bandage. Again. He's out of his seat, walking away from his friends, before can even think of what to do.
He is in front of her—carefully holding her wrapped wrist in his hands—when suddenly his mind catches up to his body. There’s a tense silence, and he feels eyes on his back. They were both early, so there was only a few students in the classroom, but they must’ve been a sight to look at.
Eunhyeok recovers first. “What did you do this time?”
Su-ae offers a weak laugh, “Hey, it’s not my fault. I just have terrible luck.” She wouldn’t meet his eyes, looking down and covering them with her bangs. How long were they going to be like this?
You did this to yourself. You misinterpret everything and then put up the wall back up.
She curtly took her arm from his grasp, offering only a nod, and strode over to her desk to be alone. A heavy, dreadful feeling fills Eunhyeok’s chest. His body itches to do something, anything, to talk to her. But he sits back down with his friends at his own desk instead.
Crushes, and he can’t lie to himself anymore about what his feelings are, never felt like this before. It’s always been easy to let go, it has never pressed so urgently down on him. He’s never had an era where he could not think of anything else but that one person, to the point of emotional and almost physical burden.
He cannot let Shim Su-ae go.
-`♡´-
He slips out of his group halfway though lunch, the mundane noise of the classroom and chatter making his skin crawl. Most of the time he could tolerate busy environments, but whenever he was stressed out natural sounds became uncomfortable and overstimulating. So he made a habit of bringing headphones with him most places.
He turns the corner to enter one of the empty classrooms, which was deserted after the drama club was cancelled for the year. It was a good place to be alone. At the sound of the door clicking shut, he hears a faint gasp and looks up to see Su-ae, her good arm outstretched, taking a selfie. Considering the amount of times he’d see her do this, some would think she was vain, but he just kind of found it adorable.
Her eyes are wide in shock, but not displeasure. He doesn’t really think when he walks over to her and sits down, uninvited. He doesn’t think a lot when it comes to her period, his body impulsively reaches, strides and peeks before he can consider the consequences. Her hand is still awkwardly outstretched when she stutters, “Hi.”
“Hi.”
For a second they’re quiet. The heavy feeling returns and makes breathing a conscious, focused task. Something is bubbling up inside him, and he has to say something before it bursts. He says—
“We aren't talking now."
And immediately feels so stupid.
Su-ae is still quiet. She puts her phone down and stares at it.
Can you really not look at me? And What did I do? When did I upset you? And then, You know what. Stop pretending.
"Am I bothering you now?" She looks up at him, "Just be direct. You won't hurt my feelings." He tries to come off somewhat playful as he says it, but neither of them are convinced.
I thought maybe you liked me. I ran ahead of myself. Its not your fault.
“No,” a small smile, somehow, it almost makes him want to cry and he tries his best to detach from it all to prevent it. The room, Su-ae, himself, everything. “No, it’s just that I didn’t sleep well, there was this weird conversation with Ra-im and… you’re not bothering me. Sorry.” She rambles, fiddling with a lock of her hair almost aggressively.
“Don’t be,” he says. “Is that really it?” He’s not sure what exactly he wants to hear.
Then, like a magic trick, Su-ae transforms, she sits up straighter, gives him a funny grin, as if all her angst melted away. “It’s embarrassing,” she holds up her bandaged arm. “I was bitten by a dog. It’s not that bad, it was a Shiba, but still.”
Eunhyeok blinks.
“You’re funny.”
“It’s true!” She cries, “He was running in the middle of the street from his owner and then bit me when I picked him up! I save a life and this is the thanks I get?!”
He can’t stop his smile. He thinks, in this moment, maybe he could stand her rejection, but not the loss of her friendship.
-`♡´-
That evening he receives a text.
<SHIM SU-AE>
study with me tmr?
And just like that, the tension seeps out of his body.
<GO EUNHYEOK>
okay
<SHIM SU-AE>
:’D
-`♡´-
The next day is a Saturday, he turns up to the Shim residence late into the morning. The door opens and he’s pulled swiftly inside. Like him, she’s just wearing casual, comfortable clothes, and still the first thing he thinks is god she’s gorgeous.
“Everyone’s out for the day so we can study in the living room this time,” she said leading him to the coffee table. They sat on the floor and set up their notebooks. The soft light flowed in from the windows.
”How’s your physics grade?” He asked, they’d gotten a test back a few days before.
Su-ae grimaced, “Not that great. None of that stuff makes any sense to me.”
He exhaled, “We should start there then, I need to revise for that the most.”
They spent the next hour going over textbook chapters and notes, correcting errors made. Su-ae brought out a pack of cookies from the kitchen that they snacked on while quizzing each other. They had moved onto Japanese when he broached the topic.
”Are we okay now?” He felt much more confident now that they were speaking and hanging out again, but his stomach still coiled with a bit of anxiety.
Su-ae looked taken aback, mouth opening and closing as if deciding what to say. She puts her pen down.
”I don’t know why we stopped- why things became so strange. I wasn’t mad at you, it was just a weird day and I got mixed up and confused about a lot of things and I- I don’t really know. Sorry.” She rambles very quickly, flustered, then meets his eyes with a hard, somewhat guilty look. “I’m sorry about the whole cheating operation. I know you agreed, and you said it’s fine, but I feel like I took advantage of you somehow.” Eunhyeok deflates. “With your parents, I mean- what I mean to say is. I overlooked it when you said yes. I wanted to assume you were really fine with it. And then I thought you actually liked me which just made it even more mean and I’m sorry I misread things—”
He burst out laughing, because how ironic is that? She would be correct about the insensitivity of it all, at least when she first asked him. But that changed fast. Precisely because of his parents, he should’ve hated the idea of cheating to mess with Minu. But he didn’t. He wanted to be closer to her, he didn’t think he would get any other opportunity, and so he agreed for his own motives. Hadn’t he taken advantage of the situation as well? Hadn’t he betrayed himself, agreeing to the things he swore he’d never participate in? And to his friend nonetheless (although he didn’t think he and Minu were friends anymore, and had no interest in changing that)?
There is something painfully embarrassing about a toxic family, and even more embarrassing to admit you're victim to it. Eunhyeok works hard to curate what people see. But he wants her to know, he's glad that she knows, that there is one person on his side who isn't going to look down on him. Why does he like her? Why are his shoulders heavy with dread on the days they're not friendly with each other? Because he is protective of his line drawn in the sand, but somehow does not feel violated when Soo-ae steps over to his side. When they're alone together, he doesn't need to think about protecting himself as much, he feels that he might be normal.
He thinks relationships should not be so complicated, people complicate them with pettiness or circumstances, but all it really is—all it really needs to be—is sincere understanding. If he understands her, and she him, they are reluctant to hurt each other. They know all the sore spots, all the best ways to tear the other down, and instead try to build those things to be stronger. He can't say with certainty that they will never hurt one another, but he can't imagine they would intentionally try to.
Eunhyeok doesn’t want to lecture her, he thinks he understands. He’s tired of not saying what he means and playing games. He wants to get back to the good parts where they are simply themselves and not playing roles.
“Can we be completely honest?”
“Yes,” she sighed, “I think that might help.”
“I didn’t kiss you just to show that I could, or that it wasn’t a big deal. It is a big deal to me. I only wanted an excuse to do it.”
Su-ae gaped. “Are you serious?!”
“You weren’t wrong,” he smiled softly, and looked at her like something heartbreakingly wonderful. Like a gift from heaven that’s fallen right in his lap. “Of course I like you, how could I not?” He is, once again, stripped bare before her. There’s nothing to hide the confession behind anymore. His face burns red.
He looks at her and sees a reflection. Her hands slightly trembling and her cheeks painted in blush. He wants to reach out and hold her, and promptly clutches his phone to keep his hands busy.
The first thing she says, “Are you sure?”
He’s never been more sure of anything.
“I can prove it if you let me.”
She laughs nervously, her eyes shine with bewilderment.
“Prove it then.”
He moves closer and cups her face, thumb brushing across the red on her cheek. Maybe he’ll end up heartbroken, and maybe he’ll come to regret investing so much in such a messy situation, but he lets himself believe in this moment that he deserves this, that it’s okay. He doesn’t let go. He wants to feel everything.
”Close your eyes,” he whispers. She’s close enough that her breath fans his face. Her eyes shut. Eunhyuk crumbles. He kisses her sweetly, slowly. Her hands wrap around his wrists and he doesn’t remember ever being this weak. He might just die. All at once, he feels both weightless and like he’s going to shrivel up. It’s exhilarating and addicting and almost nauseating with how good it feels. He pulls away after a few seconds and kisses the corner of her lips, her cheek, her jaw, the spot beneath her ear. She shakes with laughter and he wants to bottle the sound to preserve it.
I did that, I brought that out.
“Just so we’re on the same page,” he pecked her lips again, “I want to be with you. Seriously. Exclusively. Romantically. Every legitimate official way.” He pauses. “And publicly.” That was essential. There was no one else, nothing else he wanted more than to remain by her side.
Shim Su-ae, who brings amusement into his days. Shim Su-ae, who was full of mischief and kindness and empathy. Shim Su-ae, who remade his heart from scratch.
She wraps her arms around him, clinging so tight it almost hurts, her face presses to his neck. With both humour and a tremble in her voice she says, “I think I need more convincing,” and pulls back just enough to face him.
He smiles adoringly, “Anything you want,” and kisses her again.