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one of the most distinct memories of my childhood was of my mother looking away from me as i cried and tugged at the hem of her dress.
“shush! it’ll only be for a while, okay? we’ll come back later so stop disturbing me.” my mother swatted me away like i was just some fly and not her son. “if i give you back your stupid teddy bear, would you promise me to shut up?” i bit back my sobs and nodded. finally, for the first time since we came here, my mother turned to give me a cold hard glance. she was always rather dismissive of me but this was different. even as a naive eleven year old, i could tell something was off. she tossed the plush bear onto the ground and its button eyes snapped off on impact. i ran over to it immediately, trying to fix it back. more silent tears dripped onto it. no, don’t leave me too, kuma-chan.
“geez, he’s too much like your ex, it’s disgusting.” the man with her said.
“why do you think i agreed to this?” my mother spat back. they bickered for a while before the man forcefully tugged at my arm.
“boy, come with me.” he started to drag me into the sprawling forests ahead. i knew better than to fight back. after all, he was massive, almost triple my size. i was a tall kid but too scrawny to ever pack a punch. running away was just a fleeting idea.
my ankles scraped against the sharp rocks as i was pulled deeper and deeper, my mother becoming a dot in the distance. she didn’t even wave back. i clutched onto the bear and its fallen buttons tightly and closed my eyes. the murmuring sounds of the forests distracted me from awful thoughts.
eventually, the heavy stomping of his feet slowed to a stop. before i knew it, i was slammed into the dirt and breath was forced out my lungs. as i grimaced in pain, pleading for his help, not once did the man’s eyes meet mine. was i really that disgusting to look at? it wasn’t my fault yet i somehow felt guilty. i’m sorry.
“stay here.” he said. “your mother will fetch you once you’re good.” then with a sigh (of relief), he walked off. i leaned against the strong tree trunk, watching him disappear. even if i wanted to, i couldn’t chase after him for the pain made me too weak. there was nothing i could do other than trust them. and so i waited. and waited.
the only way i could tell that time passed was the rising and setting of the sun. i counted nine days. when it rained, i would lap up the droplets. when it got humid, i would swallow the ants crawling on my thighs. yet i did not move. like an idiot, i clung onto hope. it was the only thing that kept me occupied anyways. what if they came back? if i left, they wouldn’t be able to find me. mama would be sad.
but soon, fatigue caught up to me and i passed out under the blistering sun on the tenth day. it was the only day the forest’s arms could not shield me.
i awoke to movement. up down, up down, up down, the rhythm almost rocked me back to sleep. i opened my eyes barely. the broadness of the surface was familiar…
“papa?” i instinctively called out. but beneath my body wasn’t his polyester shirt. instead, i clenched a handful of fur. in my sleepy state, i thought that my teddy bear had come alive to save me. and for some reason, i accepted it as fact.
the refreshing breeze sobered me up a little. after a few more minutes, i realised the strangeness of the situation i was in. a bear was carrying me on its back, heading somewhere. but why? i always heard that bears were one of the most dangerous animals out there. yet i felt no aggression coming from the round creature which lumbered along.
“mr bear, where are you taking me?” speaking was hard.
of course, the bear did not -could not- answer. groaning, i lifted my head feebly to see the path ahead. there were trees, more trees, a forest clearing faraway and… smoke? i rubbed my eyes and looked up again. smoke?
when the bear stopped, it was in front of a cabin. it made some weird mumbling sound, as if it was communicating, and someone opened the door.
“oh goodness me!” the yelp belonged to an old woman. comfort oozed out from her presence alone so i felt like i could trust her.
“h-hello ma’am.” i said, trying my best to stay polite. without a moment’s hesitation, the woman gathered me into her arms, thanked the bear hastily (his name was apparently hachimitsu) and rushed into the cabin. it was old, but definitely cosy. her vibe must’ve rubbed off this place. i could even smell something delicious being cooked. everything seemed so grandmother-like that i couldn’t help but feel at ease. i was in safe hands.
“dear, are you okay?” she asked after setting me down onto a bed. i shook my head and gestured to my stomach. she knew in an instant what to do and brought over a tray of food. the meal was simple, consisting of plain rice, grilled fish, mushroom soup and a jug of water. but it was more than enough. desperate, i ate with my hands, shoving as much as i could into my mouth. it was so warm and so good. i found myself sniffling, tears welling up in my eyes. the old woman quickly dried them.
“poor, poor thing. how long have you been out there? thank god mitsu-san found you. where are your parents? they must be so worried! i better call them.” i shook my head again, more solemnly this time.
“oh? what do you mean?”
“they don’t want me.”
“i’m sure they want you, why would you say that?” the old woman furrowed her brows. i gulped down the soup to soften the rice in my mouth so i could explain.
“mama and her boyfriend left me here. they say they’ll come back but… nine, ten days, i think. they still haven’t.”
the old woman’s concern burned into anger. “god, this society is too cruel, to leave a child to die in the forest! unforgivable! ten whole days!” she snatched the tray from my lap and banged it into the sink. surprisingly, it broke, that thick wooden tray. i flinched. her strength was frighteningly much for her age, i wondered whether it was the forest air.
“scared you didn’t i? haha, i’m sorry.” chuckling, the old woman chucked the broken pieces into the trash while humming a tune. her anger died out as quickly as it came. it was admirable actually.
“would you like tea? or more food perhaps? you must be famished and thirsty! have as much as you like.” this time she gave me another dish, some sort of meat stew that had just been done slow cooking. i scooped a spoonful into my mouth. it had a powerful, rich flavour unlike anything i’ve ever eaten before. i loved meat but i couldn’t tell what this was. the old woman saw my puzzled expression and winked.
“wild boar, i caught it myself.” she took the cleaned out bowl from my hands and came back to my side with it refilled. i think i had at least six servings that day. even though i ate so much, the old woman only smiled and offered more.
“i’m full. thank you, ma’am.” i finally said as i handed her the last bowl. “it was delicious.”
“great, i’m glad you enjoyed it. it’s been ages since anyone ate my cooking. the last time was my husband and..” her voice trailed off. “nevermind that. how do you feel now. better?”
“yes, very much. i’ll leave now, thank you for your hospitality.” i got up from the bed, struggling slightly due to chest pains, then realised. wait, leave to where exactly? i couldn’t possibly return to my mother and her boyfriend. they’d just dump me again somewhere. or worse, kill me directly. when i tried thinking of other people to turn to, no one came to mind. friends, had none. relatives, didn’t know any. then it dawned on me. i had nowhere to go. i was… alone.
“you alright honey?” the old woman placed a hand on my shoulder.
“i…” i opened my mouth to reply but all that came out was a strangled noise. “i d-don’t know where to go.”
“oh…” her head titled to one side, thinking, while i hung mine in embarrassment and sorrow. she sat down beside me on the bed. “i understand.” and in a softer, almost inaudible whisper: “bastard police useless as always.”
after pondering for a bit, she suddenly grinned. “how about you stay with me for time being? no need to feel indebted to me. in exchange for shelter, you’ll help me out with chores, okay? i’m getting too old to do these things anyways. how does that sound to you?” my eyes lit up the moment the old woman said that.
“really?” i exclaimed. she laughed and ruffled my hair in response. no amount of “thank you”s could express my gratitude. not only was the old woman kind, she was also extremely kind, unlike most humans i knew. they were confusing, complex. their face and words boasted one emotion but their heart would bleed another. “fuck off, i hate you.” yet tears flowed down my dad’s face. “i love you” yet my mom’s smile was stiff. i didn’t understand. why were humans so hard to understand? “you’re scaring me!” i just wanted to be friends. why couldn’t anyone understand?
but here right in front of me was a woman who didn’t live with society like everyone else. she wasn’t like them, not one bit. i couldn’t sense any ulterior motives from her, just pure, sincere love. i didn’t know how much i missed it until then. affection. seeing her warm smile, i embraced her into a hug.
“thank you, grandma.” such a woman was deserving of being called such.
“my pleasure…”
i swallowed. “gin. gagamaru gin.”
“...gin. what a beautiful name.”
and so she became my grandmother.