Chapter Text
Somehow it was a surprise, how empty the house felt.
It shouldn't have been a surprise. Tim's house was usually empty, especially since he turned twelve and his last nanny left for good. He'd gotten used to coming home to silence, waking up to silence, living in silence.
But for the past six months, Tim had spent almost all of his waking hours in places that weren't silent. When he wasn't at school, he had been at Seb's house, playing games with him, keeping him company, winding him up about nerd stuff. Then he had been at the hospital, sitting by the bed and watching trashy TV, joking, talking about anything and everything to keep Seb's mind off what was happening to his body.
And then the last three weeks. Back at Seb's house, but still by his hospital bed. Holding his hand. Hearing his sister cry. Watching his parents shrink in despair. Trying not to blink for fear he would miss it, some last word, some final moment. That last breath. Eyes dry, throat burning, shoulders shaking.
But it hadn't been silent. Never silent. Even at the end, there had been the beeping of the monitors, the slow rasp of breath, the rustle of blankets and sheets. The soft thump of his limp hand sliding out of Tim's grasp to fall still and curled on the mattress.
Seb. Sebastian Ives. They had always called each other by their last names. Drake and Ives. A silly, childish affectation, like pretending they were Holmes and Watson or some other pair of bosom companions from British literature.
Then the diagnosis. The sentence of death. Ives asked if it was okay to call Tim by his first name instead. Said he didn't want that distance, not anymore. Tim said yes. He started calling him Seb in return. Drake and Ives. Timothy and Sebastian. Tim and Seb.
Tim.
Tim lay on a stiff, uncomfortable sofa in his parents' living room, staring at the ceiling. The house was quiet. He thought about cancer. About hospitals. About how young sixteen was.
He thought about all the things Seb had wanted to do.
Seb had wanted to go to England and do a Lewis and Tolkien tour. Australia, to see the Tasmanian devils. He'd wanted to date, fall in love with a girl, have a first kiss. He'd wanted to see the Star Wars movie that was coming out next year. He'd wanted to play the new Smash game.
Seb had wanted, and wanted, and wanted. So many things, he had wanted.
Now, Tim couldn't think of anything he wanted. He lay there on the sofa, and his mind was blank. He didn't want food, even though his stomach was gurgling. Didn't want a shower, even though he could feel his own stink from too many nights sitting up, too many days with no stop at home. He had nothing he wanted to do, nothing he wanted to accomplish. He was just...empty. Like the house.
Tim sat up. He went over to the sound system against the wall, turned it on, flipped to a random radio station. Maybe some noise would help. Maybe if the house wasn't silent, he wouldn't feel so blank and empty and dead inside.
A rock song blasted out of the speaker, loud and discordant. Tim couldn't make out the lyrics. He didn't care. He turned up the volume.
He went to the kitchen, turned on the radio by the sink. A different station. It didn't matter.
The bluetooth speaker in his father's office, still stuck on some playlist from the 80s. Tim turned it up high. Wandered away.
He turned on everything he could find, every electronic device, everything that made noise. Even the dishwasher, the washing machine. Everything, anything to make the house feel like there were people living in it.
Tim finished going through every room. He moved back to the hallway that cut through the middle of the house and stood there with his eyes closed, listening.
Depsite all the discordance, despite everything, the house was still quiet.
It was so, so quiet.
X
By the time Tim started paying attention to school again, he'd been held back a year. He couldn't muster up the energy to be surprised. His parents weren't surprised, either, but they were certainly disappointed.
"We just want what's best for you," Janet said. It was a video call, this time. Usually it was just emails. "We know you've been busy with your...friend, and all that. But you really need to buckle down on your studies."
"I will, Mom."
"Of course you will, champ." Jack's voice was enthusiastic, if a bit strained. "But we have to insist. You can't be held back again. You gotta get those grades up to at least a B average, or we'll have to talk about alternatives."
Tim felt a thump of fear, thudding through the dullness that still encompassed everything. "Please, Dad. No. I hated boarding school." He couldn't lose what freedom he had left. He was pretty sure he would suffocate.
"We know, kiddo. So take this as incentive, right? You just gotta...try a little harder."
Tim sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. "I will. I promise."
"Do you need to...talk to someone?" Janet asked gently.
LIke you? Tim thought. But no, that couldn't be what she meant.
"Like...a professional?" Janet went on.
Of course.
"We can get a recommendation for a therapist. Someone who can help you through this...trying time."
You mean my best friend dying, Tim thought hysterically. He wished she would just say it out loud instead of pirouetting around the issue. My best friend died and I don't care about school. I don't care about anything. I'm trying to care and I just...I just can't.
"No, I'll be fine," Tim said aloud. "I'm, you know. I'm working through it."
"Of course you are," Jack said bombastically. "That's my boy. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. I'm so proud of you, son."
Tim nodded. "Thanks."
"You just need to finish school," Janet said. "High school is tough, we know that, but you can do it. Just two more years." She paused, lips tightening. "Well, three more years, now."
"And then I can join you." A tiny spark of interest, a sullen ray of light through the fog. "That's what you always said, right? I could come on your trips when I grow up."
Well, first it had been When you're a little older. Then that had been defined as You have to be at least twelve. Then that was revised to You should finish school, first. Tim couldn't remember how many times the bar had been moved, but he knew he was finally getting close to clearing it.
But Jack grimaced. Janet tilted her head, frowning. "Don't you think you should go to college, too?"
The spark of light faded swiftly. "I could take a gap year. Go with you for a while, then get a degree."
"Don't you think you've had enough delays in your education?" Jack asked.
And well. That hurt.
Tim sat back in his seat, staring blankly at the laptop screen. The spark of interest was snuffed completely.
His parents were never going to let him join them on their trips around the world. They didn't want him to come. They had said nice words, made him believe it might happen someday. But it wasn't going to. They'd never meant it. When you're older, when you finish school, sure, someday, of course you can come with us... They were just polite words and empty promises.
It was like Tim wasn't their son, just a socialite at a gala who needed to be momentarily charmed and appeased, then forgotten.
Tim didn't remember the rest of the video call, which was a shame since they were so rare. He should be savoring every moment, storing up every smile, every word, every expression on his parents' faces to carry him over till the next time he saw them. But it all washed over him leaving nothing behind, like the tide on a sandbar.
Eventually all that was left was a sense of unease, of expectations that Tim knew he had to meet or there would be dire consquences. He had to work harder. He had to try. He had to stop slacking off.
He had to stop being sad.
Tim kind of wanted to just drop out of school and join an art enclave or something. But he sucked at art. So he guessed he would have to put some effort into his studies again. Surely it wouldn't be that hard to pull his grades up to a B average on his second run through the year he'd just failed. It wasn't unreasonable. It wasn't like his parents were asking for straight As or something like that. They just wanted him to get by.
Tim could do that. He could get by.
Maybe.
X
It was the first day of sophomore year. Again. Tim walked to his first class with his head down, trying not to look anyone in the eyes. He didn't want to see pity, or contempt. He just had to get through the day. Survive, somehow. That was all he wanted to do.
He didn't know anyone in homeroom. They had all been freshmen last year, and he really hadn't been paying attention to anyone new at school. The teacher offered him quiet condolences when he came in the door, but Tim gave a quick nod and moved to the back of the room. He hoped it wasn't going to happen in every class he went to. He didn't want the attention.
The first class after homeroom was double AP English. Tim stared at the syllabus, a wave of despair rolling over him. So many readings. So many essays. A 300 word essay for every reading? Really? He could barely think. How was he supposed to come up with that many words?
When the bell sounded at the end of class, Tim sat frozen in his seat while everyone started to move, grabbing their things to head to the next one. He didn't know if he could do this. What if he couldn't do this?
A touch on his arm drew him out of his haze. He jolted, blinking to clear his vision. He found himself looking up at someone he recognized, a girl he'd had classes with last year. Something with a K. Katherine? Katya?
She waved her hand at chest level. "Hey, it's Katie. You remember me from History II last year?"
Tim huffed in relief and nodded. "Katie. Yeah. Good to see you. Sorry, I was...my mind was elsewhere."
She nodded gently, her smile turning sad and sympathetic. "Yeah, I bet."
Somehow, Tim didn't mind the sympathy coming from her. They had worked on a group project together in History II last year, and he had enjoyed her company. She hadn't complained once when he started falling behind on his part of the work, even while their other two group members razzed him incessantly. She had just picked up his slack and told him to go spend more time with Seb.
Tim shook his head, dispelling the memories. "Yeah, I. Uh. Anyway, is there something I can help you with?"
Katie tilted her head toward the hallway. "Walk with me? I have to go to my locker. We can talk on the way."
"Sure."
"So I'm in this after-school club," Katie said as they shouldered their way down the hall, having to struggle a bit to walk side by side. "Well, I kind of inherited it. My big sister started it, but she graduated last year and left it to me."
"Oh. Cool."
He must have sounded unenthusiastic. Katie chuckled. "I mean, I don't mind it. It's a fun club."
Tim felt like he should contribute to this conversation somehow. "What's it about?"
"It's kind of a pet fancier, animal lover sort of thing. Pretty low-key. Students who are obsessed with animals or have pets just meet in a classroom a couple of times a week and talk about stuff, show off their pets, that kind of thing."
Tim nodded slowly. "That's neat, but... I don't have any pets."
"I mean, you don't have to join the club." Katie waved a hand. "I was just wondering if you could help out with something. I was thinking that for a fundraiser project this year, we could make a calendar. Have a different pet on each month, that kind of thing. You're good at photography, aren't you? I remember you had some photos you took yourself in a project you did, and they were really good."
Tim hummed. He hadn't touched his camera in...a long time. "I've never done animal photography."
"But you'd be willing to learn? I'm sure you could figure it out."
Tim came to a halt, the flow of students still moving around him. His throat felt too full. Pressure was building up in his chest. He didn't want to let Katie down, but also... How was he ever going to find time for this?
Katie turned back and looked at him straight on, her expression falling. "Hey. You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought..." She took a deep breath. "I thought it might...help."
Tim blinked at her. "Help...me?"
She nodded rapidly. "Being around animals is... It's soothing, okay? It's nice. The members of the club are really nice, too, for the most part. They love animals and they love showing them off and talking about them. It's like, it's a nice break. Something different. To take your mind off, you know. Everything."
He felt reckless. "You mean Seb dying."
Katie continued looking him straight in the eye. She didn't even blink. "Yes. It might take your mind off losing your best friend in the most horrific and unfair way possible."
Tim stared at her. He breathed, once, twice, a third time. She waited. The bell rang. They were going to be late to class.
"What classroom do you meet in? Is the first meeting today?"
Katie smiled.
X
The first meeting was, indeed, that very day, though Katie said not everyone would be there. It was probably just going to be a few club members who were staying on from last year, since they hadn't had a chance to recruit new ones yet. Still, Tim decided to go.
The club room was one of the science labs, because it was a larger room with sinks and cleaning equipment, so it would be easier to take care of any animals who were brought in on school property. Tim trudged his way there after his last class, his backpack weighed down with far too many thick, heavy syllabi. He paused outside the door, listening. Only a few voices, and they sounded friendly enough. He heard quiet yips that might be coming from a small dog.
He pulled in a breath, then pushed through the door. Katie was there, as well as a couple of other girls, one with a miniature poodle in her lap, the other with a cage on the desk in front of her. And one other person was there, too. The last person Tim had ever expected to see. He stood by the girl with the poodle, small but fierce, frowning at Tim with his eyebrows bent in a deep furrow.
It was Damian Wayne, the third Robin.