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He was dying.
.
Phoenix sits demurely within the quiet space of his room, the only light source being how little of the moon shone between the window curtains. He stares into the darkness; into nothing in particular, and he stays like that. He notes how he's been staying like that for a while now.
The hushed whispers clawing at his ears grow louder by the second.
He takes a shaky breath, closes his eyes and tries to will the persistent noise at the back of his mind away. And for a second it does work, but he can still hear it. The faintest sound of a melody -- a sinister song that threatens to lull him into a slumber he knows he'll never wake up from. He wonders how long he's been awake. He wonders how many nights he'd spent like this.
"Ten years."
A voice comes from the doorway, and up until now Phoenix had been too caught up with his thoughts to notice someone else's presence in the room. "It's been about that long since your Joining." The voice states rather than asks, sounding closer than before. He hasn't bothered to look up before, but he soon finds himself staring at the the face of another man. The darkness does nothing to conceal the other's familiar, piercing gaze.
"Miles." Phoenix starts, a hint of a wry smile tugging at his lips. "You couldn't sleep either, huh?"
"I wouldn't, in good conscience, have been able to." The mage shakes his head. He sounds as calm as ever, but from the way Miles isn't exactly meeting Phoenix's eyes, he can tell he's worried.
Suddenly, the air around them feels heavier.
He tries to quip, "You do realize if you keep staying up every time I do, you'll never sleep."
"I'm used to it."
Phoenix hears the bed creak softly as Miles takes a seat next to him. He vaguely remembers the times where Miles was the one plagued by sleepless nights, years ago. Even now he sometimes finds himself holding the trembling mage as he wakes in tears, rocking him in his arms and whispering to him how it was just a nightmare over and over again.
"But this isn't a nightmare." Phoenix thinks out loud. "I can't run from the Calling, Miles."
Miles knows better than to speak of false hopes; promises of a future that was anything other than bleak. But Phoenix feels like a part of him is still holding on for a miracle to happen. Miles bites down on his lip, looking as if he had something to say but couldn't. Instead, he carefully asks, "What is it like?"
Phoenix closes his eyes and briefly listens to the voices of the darkspawn in his head. He replies, "Maddening." Miles doesn't say anything, so he continues. "It's easier to ignore when I'm talking to people, but they're always there. The voices. It was bearable at first, but I feel like...like they just keep getting louder. Clearer. I can almost understand them."
With the way the voices persisted, Phoenix wonders just how long he'll be able to endure before he finds himself walking down the Deep Roads.
"I feel like I should just--"
"Don't." Miles looks at him, wide-eyed and almost pleading, knowing exactly what he was about to say. He almost feels bad. "Don't even think about it."
"Why?" Phoenix laughs. "Just how many Wardens get to live long lives, with the taint coursing through their blood? I'll die anyway."
"But there has to be a way around it." Phoenix feels Miles' hand on top his. "Listen, me and Maya have been looking into it. If you can hold on a bit longer--"
"Stop it."
Silence takes over the room.
"...Is it that bad?" Miles voice is uncharacteristically soft. Phoenix hates it; hates that it's his fault the other is acting this way.
"It's only getting worse."
If it had been years ago, maybe Phoenix would've believed otherwise. It's funny how he's the one Miles used to scold for being too idealistic in the cruel, cruel world they lived in. But between everything that's happened to him and all the nights he'd spent not sleeping, Phoenix finds it hard to even live. But seeing the normally collected mage act in this desperate manner pulled at his heart strings painfully.
Miles nods, more to himself than anything. He gives Phoenix's hand a light squeeze, and the Warden turns it palm upwards so he can reciprocate the gesture. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"Miles, I'll..." Phoenix sighs quietly. "I'll try. To hold on, I mean. I think tonight is just...especially bad."
Miles twines their fingers together.
"Would you like me to stay?"
Phoenix almost refuses, but the sharp hissing that fills his mind soon after he'd fallen silent makes him realize just how much talking to Miles is helping. He moves closer to the other man, and slowly rests his head against his shoulder. Miles doesn't flinch away at the sudden contact; instead he shifts about to make both of them more comfortable.
...
"Miles?"
"Yes?"
"Can you...talk to me, please? About your day, or anything at all?" I don't want to spend the night in silence.
"...Alright."
Phoenix listens to the other's low voice as he begins; a soothing song next to the cacophony of murmurs and whispers he's had to hear for ages. He flutters his eyes shut, and wishes this could be what lulled him to sleep every night instead.