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It’s like rolling dice. A twisted game of Yahtzee with God.
She’s been thinking about it, theorizing, praying to someone, asking her mom and thousands of psychics that live in her home. No real, solid answer. No one has an answer on if she can kiss Gansey again.
She thinks there is a possibility that she could because he has already died and come back. It’s something she shutters thinking about, feeling sick, remembering his limp, somehow lifeless, body lying in the street. Their friends were shocked and scared. She would put it in the top three worst moments in her entire life. Knowing it was because they kissed made it worse.
She also thinks there is a possibility she couldn’t because none of the psychics have ever told her, “The first time.” It has always been, “When you kiss your soulmate, he will die.” So that isn’t very encouraging. Even if they didn’t factor in that he would come back to life, they’re psychics, so they probably knew, right?
The more and more she thinks about it, the more and more exhausted she gets. All she wants to do, damn it, is kiss Gansey. She’s eighteen, that’s what they like to do. It’s what she’s gathered from every trust-fund-baby party, from graduation, from Ronan and Adam, from herself, from Gansey.
Sometimes, he’ll look at her, and she knows what he’s thinking. It’s what she is always thinking. What’s the worst that could happen? And the face he’s making goes away because he thinks,
Well, I could die again, and there isn’t another Cabeswater to die for me.
And she thinks,
I could lose you again, forever this time.
1.
Even though Gansey could fully die, they like to test the limits a lot. It happens in the pig more often than, in any other place. Something about the danger, the upholstery, and seeing Gansey’s hand on a stick shift, effortlessly shifting gears like a sixth sense.
Looking straight ahead, “Jane.” He warns.
She groans, “I hate this stupid car, it does something to my girl-brain. I can’t handle it.”
“Believe me,” That’s all he has to say, she knows it’s the exact same for him.
“I think it’s messed up that no one can give me a solid answer. It’s messed up that I only got to kiss you one time, and then you died, Gansey, do you know how awful that was?” She asks.
“Yeah, I do, I died.” He says, looking over at her, jaw working on a mint leaf.
She feels terrible, because he died and it was her fault, and she’s complaining about how difficult it was for her to endure.
“Stop, it wasn’t your fault.” He says, knowing what she’s thinking again.
She groans again out of frustration. He takes his hand off of the stick shift and replaces it with hers. His hand stays on top of hers, guiding her, and an excuse to touch what he can.
They don’t talk. She lets the rumble of the car ground her, the feel of his hand calm her, and the smell of mint and gas keep her alive.
He takes them to the ley line. Everything always feels electric there, there’s a real explanation, the fact that the ley line is electricity, it’s power. And the other thing, the fact that Gansey is here and he isn’t wearing a polo, he’s wearing a nice button down and his hair looks especially swooshy. She wants to card her hands through it.
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” He says, thinking out loud.
“Driving to a secluded, private area, where it’s just us, and we’ve both been fighting the urge to kiss each other for months? It’s a fantastic idea, no wonder you’re such a scholar.” She says, meaner than she intended. She’s just bitter at whoever did this to her.
“Ouch, Jane.” He grabs his heart with his hand, fake hurt,
She wordlessly removes his hand and uses hers to trace his ear. It sends a visible shudder down his spine. She wants to kiss it.
He turns to face her, and she is reminded of the first time they almost kissed. He had placed a mint leaf in her mouth, and knew she was fucked.
It’s like deja vu. It’s all hands and shuffling, and almost death. Their noses are smushed together and she can feel his breath in her mouth and it’s almost enough. It’s almost as good as an actual kiss.
Except it isn’t, and she knows it. They can’t roll around and breathe in each other's mouths and say that’s enough. It’s a specific kind of closeness she’s craving.
She pulls back, forcing herself to stop it before she has to drive home in tears and Gansey limp in the passenger seat. That image is enough to make her stop that completely.
“We need some answers, soon.” He says, “Or this is going to be bad.” His chest is rising and falling fast. It was too much for both of them.
She nods, breathless.
He turns the car on again and takes them out of the middle of nowhere. He instead takes them to Nino’s.
She laughs because of course they’re at Nino’s.
It is surprisingly busy in the diner. They sit at one of the empty two-seater booths. He hooks his ankle with hers.
“I eat here all the time,” He says, and she knows he does because she’s always the one serving him.
“Yeah because you like to spy on me.” She smiles.
“I would call it more art appreciation, something along those lines.” He nods.
She blushes, “Oh, is that it, huh?”
He nods again, “That’s it, yeah.”
They eat, talk, flirt, eat some more, flirt some more, it’s a never-ending cycle of shared giggles and warm faces. It’s probably nauseating for anyone viewing them.
“Ganseyboy!” Someone shouts from across the room, he makes his way over to them.
Blue’s smile falls because she knows it’s someone from Aglionby. Although she’s grown to love a handful of Raven boys, she still associates the rest of them with something bad.
Gansey perks up, wiping his food off of his mouth with his napkin. He’s morphing into his Aglionby self. She doesn’t love it.
Gansey and the boy clap hands and shake. “Ah, how are you?” Gansey asks.
The boy grins and glances over at Blue, “Not as good as you, apparently.”
Gansey doesn’t like this, it shows on his face, and he forces a small laugh. She’s pretty sure he thinks he’s going to get chewed out in the car.
“Who is this, anyway? Same girl from graduation?”
Gansey nods, “This is my girlfriend, Blue.” His eyes get brighter when he looks over at her.
Blue waves, and extends her hand for him to shake it. The boy looks surprised, he does a small chuckle. He looks like he’s just humoring her as he’s shaking her hand. She hates it.
The guy looks uncomfortable, “Well, I’ll let you guys get back to it.” He claps Gansey on the back.
Gansey gives him a small smile until he officially turns around and walks away. He hunches over and whispers to Blue, “I hate him.”
“I could tell, I wasn’t a huge fan either.”
“I figured you weren’t going to be. Let’s finish up and get the hell out of here.” He says.
Blue nods, already shoving french fries in her mouth.
2.
At 300 Fox Way, there were certain rooms they were and weren’t allowed to be in alone. Her bedroom? Nope. Living room? Yes. Kitchen? Maybe.
Her mother knows about the kissing, and the question that still hangs in the air. When Blue asked why the room rules were in place, she responded, “Teenagers get crafty.” Which made Blue throw a pillow at her.
Being said, her mom could never really control her, so they’re in her room.
It’s innocent. They’re in her bed, as close as moms and prophecies permit them to be. He has a hand mindlessly scratching at the nape of her neck.
He’s talking about where they’re going next, and she wishes she could really pay attention. It’s important to stay updated when your stupid rich boyfriend likes to make impulsive travel plans. She needs to make sure to pack the appropriate amount of torn shirts.
Instead, she’s focused on his steady breathing and the way his ankle is crossed with hers. It’s kind of useless.
“So we should be back a week before your studies start back up again. Okay?” He says.
She helplessly cracks a smile, “Sounds great, babe.” and lightly pats his chest.
“You didn’t hear a word I said, huh?” He says, grinning like he wasn’t just being accidentally ignored.
“Not one.”
“Blue!” He says, not Jane, Blue.
She can feel the heat rise on her face. Jane is a name given that’s easily digestible. It’s a secret joke between her and Gansey, it’s light, it’s a handhold in the grocery store. Blue is real. Blue is facts and confrontation with the reality of everything. Blue is rushed breathing in the pig and the closeness of their legs.
He can see all of this on her face. The heat, the thinking, the shame, and the excitement.
It’s like slow motion, the removal of his hand from the back of her neck, the placing it on her face, holding her chin softly. Her heart is racing. Her mind is shouting, telling them to stop, but she can’t really listen.
He takes his thumb and lightly presses into her dimple. Observing, thinking, considering.
“I wonder what counts.” He says vaguely.
But because of everything, she knows what he means, “I’m not really interested in finding out.”
“If I were to just,” He leans in close, scarily close, she can feel his breath on her face. Hot and unavoidable.
He kisses her dimple.
It’s a lot. It's tantalizing, it’s scary, it’s overwhelming, it’s hunger.
She throws herself back. Horrified because Gansey has a very real chance of dropping dead because he couldn’t resist kissing her dimple.
They both have the same thought process, it’s silence, heavy breathing, and then huge grins. Because Gansey is still breathing and his heart's still beating, and this opens a huge gate for them.
“I’m mad at you, I hope you know that,” Blue says, a smile still wide on her face.
“I’m praying I can make up for it.” He says, not meeting her eyes, but instead the place he was just able to kiss.
“Only time will tell.” She tries to look bitter.
She’s scared, she won’t lie. Her heart is racing and she can, unfortunately, feel the sweat drawing to her hands.
They sit there, breathless and unsure of where to go from there.
“You really did scare me,” She says, confused at the feelings of fright and excitement.
“I’m sorry, Jane, I really am. But if it consoles you any, I would die happy if it was because I kissed you. I’ve done it once, I think I can manage to do it again.” He says.
She punches his arm, not enough to bruise or hurt, just enough to let him know she was unhappy with this, “That doesn’t make me feel better! I want you here. Not gone, here.”
“It’s the truth.” He says, unmoving.
“Stop wanting to die on me. We will figure this out. I promise.” She reassures him.
He takes her hand and kisses each knuckle, slow and delicate. It feels scandalous. The action fills her with wanting. He takes her thumb in his mouth.
She gapes at him, not out of disgust. Her brain is screaming at her. “Gansey, I’m going to do something potentially really stupid if you don’t stop right now.”
He lets her go, a grin wide on his face. “Ronan’s coming over soon. I should get going.” He says, which is not what she expected him to say or do.
“I’m gonna kill you.” Is what she says to that wild response.
He hops over her and out of her bed, grabbing his keys off of her dresser. “I hope so.”
She walks him to his car. Not like he’s forgotten where it is, she’s just banking in on their proximity for as long as she can have it.
“I’ll pick you up later, promise.” He says.
With the gate of kissing but not really open, he’s taking full advantage of it. He places both hands on her face, thumbs gently stroking her cheeks, and kisses her forehead.
She smells his expensive cologne and mint. She feels like she needs to be locked in a cage.
“Get out of here.” She says, pushing gently at his chest.
He beams and climbs into the car.
She stays in the driveway and watches him drive out into the setting sun in the direction of Monmouth Manufacturing.
She puts her thumb in her mouth.
3.
It’s rare when they all get a chance to get together. Adam with his Harvard, Ronan with being Ronan, and Blue and Gansey almost always preoccupied, it’s been maybe two or three times since the start of the new year.
Right now is one of those rare chances for them to be together, talking about old times and their lives now. Blue relishes in it. She loves a chance to have all of her raven boys with her.
Again like old times, they’re obviously in Monmouth Manufacturing. Blue sitting on one couch with her feet propped up in Gansey’s lap, and Ronan and Adam occupying another in a similar position.
She’s eating one of her yogurts that Gansey likes to keep here for her. She doesn’t dwell on that too much, trying not to think about the permanency of that gesture. She looks at her raven boy as he’s asking Adam about his studies at Harvard.
He looks like Gansey on Fire. He’s not being impulsive, and he’s not overly excited, but they just bring it out of him. His eyes are bright with adoration and love.
Ronan chimes in with something that Blue couldn’t really try to register, and Gansey cracks a huge grin and starts talking with that fire.
She wants to wrap herself with him, it’s infectious. Something’s in the air today. Something’s in her yogurt.
“I’m gonna use the bathroom,” She says as she swings her feet off of his lap. He presses her hand lightly as she’s leaving.
Blue is an eavesdropper, she’s nosey, if there is something she isn’t supposed to hear there is a chance she’s going to hear it anyways.
So instead of making her presence known on the way back, she waits in the hallway for a moment.
“No dice, huh?” It’s Adam.
“No, but it’s okay,” Gansey says.
“You’re a better man than me,” Ronan says.
“You’re telling me if Adam couldn’t, you’d break up with him?” Gansey asks.
“Fuck no. It’s Adam.” Ronan says.
“Yeah, and it’s Blue,” Blue, not Jane, “If I could only ever look at her for the rest of my life, I would die the happiest man in Virginia.”
“Jesus, does she know that?” Adam asks.
“I hope so.” He says.
And she does. Or at least she had an idea that it was the case. Still, the words, the total truth of it, sends a shot of thrill down her spine. It makes her want to kick Adam and Ronan out so they can test the boundaries of this thing some more.
She makes fake walking sounds and lightly coughs, to let them know she’s coming in case this conversation was meant to be a total secret. By the look on their faces and the way they were looking at her, it definitely wasn’t intended to be public.
“What?” She asks.
“Nothing,” Adam says.
“Okay, weirdos.” Playing it cool.
Instead of propping her feet back up on Gansey, she allows herself to curl into his side. Wrapping her arm up with his, she can feel his pulse, it’s grounding and electrifying at the same time.
He leans into the touch.
Hours go by. Gansey gets riled up and makes Ronan show him the fighting techniques he’d already learned forever ago. They move the coffee table, Gansey takes off his watch, and Blue sits next to Adam.
It’s a spectacle. She’s never actually seen Gansey fight before, and she really isn’t now either. But he has sweat on his brow and a few strands of his hair are falling into his face, so she’s enjoying the show anyways.
“Ten bucks on Ronan,” Adam says.
“No question,” Blue says.
“When did this turn into us fighting each other, I thought it was freshening up.” Gansey pants, wiping the sweat off of his forehead with the back of his hand.
“Hey man, I’m just following your lead.” Ronan defends.
He says that and Gansey playfully pounces on him, not doing any of the techniques, not even really fighting. But because he’s Ronan, the moment escalated. He manages to pick up Gansey and throw him onto the empty couch.
It’s silent for a few moments, and then Gansey is laughing wide and bright. It’s from deep within his stomach, it’s free and uncareful. It’s infectious, the others can’t help but join him.
Ronan, shining bright, extends his hand to help Gansey get up off the couch. When he gets up Gansey, still laughing, hugs him.
It’s a sweet moment to get to witness. Ronan, who used to be so jaded and angry, has softened from all of the years and love. He leans into it.
Blue looks over at Adam, who appears to be thinking the same thing. His eyes look like something that’s meant for Ronan and Ronan alone. Blue guesses, or hopes, she might have a Gansey look too.
She nudges his shoulder and whispers, “Our boys.”
“God,” Adam says so adoringly, a huge smile breaking across his face.
Blue can’t help but agree, “God.”
Not long after that, Ronan and Adam have to leave. Something about Opal, their stinky horse child that Blue has a soft spot for. She just gets it. Ronan hands Gansey a brown paper bag and whispers something in his ear, and then they’re hugging again.
Blue and Gansey watch the BMW leave Monmouth Manufacturing. When they’re out of sight, Blue has to ask. “What’s in the bag?”
She gets a closer look at it, it’s crumbled and looks almost beaten like he’s had the bag for a long time. Written in big messy letters is: for your troubles. Gansey unrolls the top of the bag and Blue looks down in it.
It’s about seven dreamt Epi-Pens. It makes Blue’s heart ache. “He loves you so much.”
Gansey smiles big and wraps his arm around her, “I know.”
He walks her back into the building, arm safe around her waist. Like most things Gansey does, it makes her want.
“I gotta go home soon.” She tells him.
“Just stay here.” He asks.
She pretends to think. Finger tapping on her chin, a furrowed brow, the whole nine yards, “No can do, I might, however, try to call congress tonight and you know how complicated those numbers are.”
He laughs, it’s something she hasn’t mentioned in a while, it was something she used to say when she felt bad about calling him because of Adam. Now, it feels good, it reminds them of the beginning of their relationship.
“I’ll take you home, then.”
“Let me drive.” She says.
He tosses the keys to her, “Let's go, True Blue.”
Blue driving the pig means two things. One, Gansey holds her hand the entire time because of the stick shift. Two, Gansey is going to go absolutely nuts when they get to wherever they’re going. It’s guaranteed.
Gansey’s hand is warm and assuring. She doesn’t really need the guidance anymore, she’s driven enough to know what to do, but she just loves the feel of his hand. He gently strokes her knuckles with his thumb. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see him smiling.
In her driveway, he leans over her as she leans against the driver's door. “You know I love you, right?” He asks.
She drapes her arms over his shoulders, “I had a suspicion.”
He leans in close to her, close enough to where she can feel his breath in her mouth. She removes an arm from his shoulders to push him back lightly. She’s in too deep now, she’s been in deep. She can’t do it again. “Don’t.”
“I’m sorry.” He says and moves to where he’s leaning against the car next to her and drapes an arm around her shoulder.
She leans in, laying her head on his chest, “It’s okay, I just couldn’t bear it.”
He doesn’t respond. They stand like that for a while, watching the sunset.
“Blue, come on! You’ve been out here for an hour!” Her mother yells from the front door, “Hey, Richie Rich.” She waves at Gansey.
He straightens up, coughs, and turns to face her, “Hello,” This is Richard Campbell Gansey III.
“Blue will call you later,” Maura says.
“Right,” He turns to face Blue, “Love you, Jane.” He takes his hand and strokes her cheek.
Leaning into the touch, “Love you,”
4.
They were in his Camaro again. They kind of always existed in his Camero, early in the morning, late at night, it didn’t matter.
He had called her earlier that day and told her to dress nicely when he picked her up, he had a date planned. She laughed at him.
“My version of nice or yours?” She laughed again.
“Yours. I like the way it looks on you better.” He says.
She leans back against the wall in the phone room, closing her eyes and allowing the blush and heat to run through her. “You got it,”
“Good. I’ll see you at six.” He hangs up the phone.
She picks out a blueish-purple dress that she had torn and sewn back together. She pairs it with her trusty fishnets and huge white boots. She doesn’t fuss much with her hair, letting it be the spiky mess that it truly is.
Gansey pulls into the driveway as the sun is setting behind him. She was already waiting on the porch for him, excited about whatever he has in store.
He looks at her from the driver's seat. He smiles and dramatically leans back, placing a hand over his heart. Blue smiles at this and climbs into the passenger side seat.
“Jane, I mean, wow.” He says, he’s begun fanning himself.
“Shut up, you’re such a loser.” She pushes on his shoulder, heat rising on her face.
“Can’t shut up, you’re beautiful.” He says.
She grins, “I don’t see how that correlates.”
“Oh trust me, it does.”
She can’t keep sitting here talking about how beautiful he thinks she is because she might die. Or she might kiss him, and he might die. “Let’s go, we’re going to be late.” She says, despite not knowing whenever their plans start.
He nods. It’s like slow motion, he leans over across her, reaching for her seatbelt. He lingers in front of her. It’s all an excuse to get in her space without kissing her.
“You know,” she pauses, smelling the cologne on his color and mint in his mouth, “I’m perfectly capable of using a seatbelt.”
His jaw works on the leaf he has, “I’m well aware.” He sinks himself back into his seat, taking the pig out of park and leaving her driveway.
“You’re going to be the death of me.”
“Likewise.”
It’s all charged. Fueled with heat and desire in everything they do and say. She wants to take her mouth and run it along his jaw and wherever else that takes her. She wants another one of her fingers in his mouth. She wants.
It doesn’t help that Gansey is in a very nice fitting suit. He looks good. She wants to take it off layer by layer. Jesus Christ.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks, probably because she’s suddenly really quiet.
“Who are you? The cops?” She says defensively, “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”
Gansey laughs, “Was it something I shouldn’t know?” He asks.
Blue groans, throwing her head in her hands, “I’m not answering that,”
“So the answer is ‘yes’, then?”
“It’s a ‘maybe’.” She says.
“I think I have an idea.” He says.
“I’m going to fling myself out of this car.” She says.
Gansey’s eyes widen, then he laughs, “It’s not that serious!”
“It’s that embarrassing!” She says.
“If you were in my mind I don’t think you would think it’s as embarrassing as you do.” He admits pretty bravely.
She eyes him, his eyes are straight on the road, not daring to look over at her, “Really?”
He glances at her quickly, and tucks a loose hair behind her ear before returning his hand to the stick shift, “Yeah.” His voice sounds suddenly hoarse.
“I really wanna make out with you right now,” she says.
He swallows hard, “Yeah?”
“Yeah, and I wanna take all of those layers off of you. I wanna see you.” She’s feeling brave, she kind of hopes they don’t make it to their reservation.
“Jesus, Blue.” He coughs, “I mean, what do we do about that? How do we accommodate?”
Okay so apparently when Gansey gets worked up, he turns into Richard Campbell Gansey III.
She laughs, “First, stop being so formal it’s freaking me out.”
“I’m freaking out!” He retorts.
She laughs harder, taking his hand on the stick shift, the heated moment gone for now, “Let’s just go eat, we can figure out the rest later.”
He nods and continues driving.
And theoretically, it would’ve been nice to see the date he had in store for them. She was actually curious to see it. Instead, they’re in the back of the Camaro talking about and thinking about doing anything but kissing.
He has her laid against the leather seats in the back, it’s crammed. He has a hand holding onto her face as he threatens to kiss her mouth. His glasses have been long discarded.
Blue is burning. She manages to untuck his layers of shirts and vests and whatever else is making it so difficult for her to touch the skin just above his belt.
They lock eyes as his hand moves further down her body. He looks rough, his hair in a frenzy, eyes wild, skin pink. She’s sure she’s in a similar boat as him.
He leans in closer to her, noses brushing, breaths in each other’s mouths. She almost does it, almost connects that half an inch of space between them.
He pulls back, hand still, “Maybe we should stop,”
She closes her eyes, “Yeah,”
“I mean, I don’t want our first time doing anything like this to be in the pig.” He says, and then he looks like he’s thinking about it more, he smiles.
Blue pushes him off of her, “You’d love it if we could live our whole life in this car,” she’s smiling too.
He holds his hands up defensively, “You and this car, my two greatest loves.”
“I’m hoping that’s the order of importance, too,” Blue says.
He nods, “Oh, yeah, for sure.”
He searches for his glasses and finds them in the front passenger seat. He puts them on in a haze.
Looking over at her, “Jesus, Blue.” He pushes air through his lips, “I need to take you home or something.”
She frowns as she adjusts the straps of her dress to be where they’re supposed to be, “I know.”
“I have to think of something horrible or gross. Give me something gross to think about.” He says, looking defeated.
Blue looks at him confused, and then realizes the problem he’s trying to attend to, “Naked Mallory.”
Gansey grimaces, “That does it. Yep. Thank you.”
She pats his shoulder, “You’re welcome.”
He takes her home, it’s now been long dark outside. He gets out of the car and hugs her.
“Bend down, I have a secret to tell you.” She says, smiling, knowing that it’s not a secret at all.
He knows it’s not going to be anything either because he smiles and laughs a little before doing as she wishes.
She softly bites his earlobe. She can hear his breath hitch.
She lets him go, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Gansey nods, very obviously trying to act calm and collected, “Yes. Yeah. Tomorrow.”
5.
Blue leans on her kitchen counter, “Mother,”
Maura turns around from whatever is cooking on the stove, “Blue.” She leans against the counter and crosses her arms.
“So Gansey and I have plans tonight, and they’re going to end pretty late, I was thinking, it would be safer for everyone involved if I just,” She trails off for a second, “stay there.”
Maura looks at her, “Well, you’re technically an adult.”
“That is true!” Blue says.
“I’m afraid that if I say no you might just do it anyway.”
Blue shrugs, “I might just do it anyway.”
“Fine, do we need to have a sex talk or something?” Maura asks.
Blue frowns, “Ew, mom! No!” The mere thought of having a sex talk because she and Gansey could technically have sex makes her blush and her heart race.
Her mom, the psychic, senses this, “Oh my god, I’m sending you with condoms.”
“Oh my god!” Blue yells, running up the stairs to her room.
She is an adult and grown, but the thought of talking about that stuff with her mother makes her want to be anyone else in the world.
He takes her to a concert, a venue two hours out of Henrietta. It’s some band that neither of them doesn’t know fairly well. It was a recommendation from Ronan, he had told Gansey that Blue might like it and he should take her.
Blue was oddly touched, Ronan had heard their music and thought of Blue. It was a nice thought.
He was also correct, she did really like the music. She liked the singer, she liked Gansey’s hand low on her waist, she liked the thumping of the music and the burning of their hearts. It was good.
When the concert was over Blue bought herself some merchandise to make her own at a later date. Or on Gansey’s counter whenever they get to Monmouth.
When they get back to Gansey’s she realizes she forgot the one thing she needed to sleep. Pajamas.
Gansey throws her a pair of his sweatpants, “Gansey.”
“What?”
She starts cackling, maybe out of the obscurity of this situation or out of her sleep deprivation, “These are the longest pair of pants I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” She can feel tears welling up in her eyes from laughter.
He breaks a grin, “It’s not my fault you’re the shortest person in Henrietta's history.”
“It’s not my fault you’re all gangly!” She smiles to herself, “Hey, gangly, Gansey. Potato, potato.”
He pauses his search for nonexistent short sweatpants, “You’re crazy”
Blue gapes at him, “You’re ridiculous.”
“Okay, so, I don’t think I have anything that’ll fit you. But I’ll uh, I’ll sleep on the couch, so you can just do whatever you want.” He says.
Blue frowns, “I thought the whole point of me sleeping over here is so we could just do whatever we want.”
“Well, yeah.” He says, “I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Do I look uncomfortable?” She asks.
He looks at her, “Not particularly.”
“Good, because I’m not.” She says, “I’m going to get ready and we are going to go to bed because I’m exhausted.”
He nods.
She takes off her three layers of shirt, yarn, and jacket, and replaces them with the T-shirt she just bought at the concert. She’s acutely aware of Gansey looking at her. She doesn’t care, they’ve been together for a while now, it’s fine. She takes off her long skirt and replaces it with nothing.
“Which side is yours?” She asks Gansey, trying to be cool about everything.
He’s red, “Um, the side closest to the window.”
She makes herself comfortable in the side that isn’t his. She then makes herself comfortable watching Gansey change into his pajamas. She wolf whistles at him whenever he finally takes his shirt off. She watches in real-time as a blush spreads across his chest.
She didn’t expect an old Aglionby sweatshirt and sweatpants, to be his pajamas but she also didn’t know what else they could’ve been.
He turns on the lamp on his bedside table before turning off his overhead light. It’s all intimate and dark. Blue can feel the thump of her heart in her throat.
“Do you think if we could kiss we’d be doing other things at this point?” She asks.
She hears Gansey swallow as he climbs in bed next to her, “I don’t know,” he says, “maybe.”
“I think sex would be weird without kissing.” She says.
Gansey does an awkward, surprised laugh, “It probably is really awkward.”
“I’m sorry,” She says.
“For what?” He asks.
“For making it awkward, for not being able to.” She says.
He turns to her, a bewildered look on his face. He holds her face in his hands, smoothing her cheeks down with his thumb, “I have never held it against you, ever. It doesn’t matter to me at all. I’m happy to have you in any way that I do.”
She takes one of her hands and touches his ribs over his sweatshirt. “I know, I just…” She trails off.
“It will never matter to me, if you told me I couldn’t touch you anymore, I would appreciate the fact that I could still look at you.” He says earnestly.
She looks at him like she can’t believe her life, “Why are you so sweet?”
“Because I love you.”
“I love you too.” She smiles.
He presses into her dimple with his thumb. It’s a corner in her face that he finds comfort in. When it’s out it means she’s smiling, she’s happy.
“Let’s go to bed.” She says.
He nods and shuffles down to get comfortable. She can read his mind, how he wants this to go down. He turns on his side away from her, and she connects their bodies again, effectively spooning him. He takes her hand, kisses each knuckle delicately, and holds it.
It’s all breathing, dreaming, and burning hearts from there.
Waking up in Monmouth Manufacturing is jarring. It’s not her room, there isn’t a loud commotion from the people that live with her, the phone isn’t ringing, and it’s scarily quiet. There’s something else too.
Gansey is quietly curled into her side, still steadily breathing. The sun from his huge window is hitting him perfectly. She has this time to truly admire what he has.
The sun is beaming across his face, illuminating the old summer freckles. She wants to connect the dots with her finger, she wants to get the mapping down to a T.
It’s the first time she’s ever done anything like this. It’s not like anything scandalous has happened, but it still sends a thrill down her spine. She isn’t used to this type of closeness. Nobody has ever known her this well, she has never trusted anybody this much.
She considers the quiet boy beside her. She’s unlocked a new Gansey. There’s Gansey on Fire, Gansey the Boy, Richard Campbell Gansey III, and this new one. Gansey Asleep. There isn’t anything forcing him or making him want to be anything he isn’t. He just is.
She takes her one hand that’s not already looped around him and traces his nose. Her touch is featherlight. She’s sure it probably tickles more than anything.
When he stirs, she stiffens her hand, raising it in the air.
Freshly woken up Gansey is a new one too. He’s quiet and disoriented. This is until he looks over at her, “Blue,” A small, tired smile creeps onto his face. He’s thrilled.
“Hi,” She breathes, “sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
He waves a hand very noncommittally, “It’s okay.” His voice is rougher, too.
He moves up to where they’re laying more equally by each other, “I missed you.” He says.
It makes Blue feel a lot of things, too much for right now, “You were asleep.” She laughs.
He shrugs, clearly too sleepy to attempt to put his thoughts into words. The shrug just told her that it was true, despite the absurdity of it. He takes the arm that’s closest to her and cards his fingers through her unkempt hair.
She sighs into it. It’s such a little thing, but that’s what this side of Gansey is. It’s little things. Sometimes Gansey is sporadic helicopter rides, randomly buying cars, and surprise trips to South America. And sometimes Gansey is hands through hair, he’s a thumb lightly pressing on her dimple, he’s the yogurt in his fridge that she didn’t have to ask for.
She closes her eyes and turns her head to face him, she can’t look into his eyes right now.
He takes one of his fingers and traces it down the middle of her face. He stops when he reaches her lips. He presses down. Their version of a kiss.
It’s kind of depressing her. There’s nothing really she wants more at this moment than to just kiss him. Not even a deep, passionate kiss. Just a Good Morning, I’ve missed you, kiss. Just something small. They could be as close as they are right now, and it doesn’t feel like enough.
It must be showing on her face.
“It’s okay,” Gansey says, he removes his hand from her face to run it through her hair again.
She just opens her eyes and frowns at him, her eyes watering.
The look on his face makes her feel worse. “I’m okay, it’s okay.” He says.
“I’m not, though.” She swallows, “I want to, it’s all I can think about. I just want it.”
Gansey wipes a tear from her face. “I think we should try it.” He says.
She looks at him, “You know what might happen,”
“I don’t think it will.” He says, “I think before if I kissed your dimple it would’ve been enough.” He says, and presses his thumb there again, “But it hasn’t been, I think it’s okay.”
She thinks about it, the pros, the cons, the possibilities, the way he’s probably right.
+1
“Okay, do it.” She says, “If you die, I’ll kill you.” She laughs wetly.
“Okay, fair enough.” He says, smiling, “Are you sure?”
“If we don’t try now, I’m afraid we might never.”
She sits up and he follows suit. She’s shaking and trying to hide that she is. It fails whenever her trembling hand reaches over to cup his face.
His eyes soften, and he cups her hand on his face with his own hand, stroking her knuckles with his thumb. “We’ll be okay.”
She nods. Deep down she understands this, she knows it, it’s fact. However, the last time she was this close to Gansey he lay in the street growing colder until they’d lost Cabeswater.
He removes his hand from hers and lays both hands on the sides of her face. He tilts her head down and kisses her forehead. He moves down, kissing the cheek where her dimple resides, and then kissing her dimple.
She takes her hand and moves it to the back of his head, carding her fingers through the base of his hair.
There’s a moment of hesitation, hot breaths on either face. She opens her eyes and meets his eye line, they smile simultaneously.
She kisses him.
It’s everything, she’s missed it like air. It’s been months since the first kiss and she’s almost forgotten how it felt.
They pull back, waiting to see what is going to happen, if anything.
What feels like hours but is more likely to be a few minutes, pass. Gansey is still breathing, his heart is still pounding in his chest, blood is still flowing.
He takes Blue’s hand and places it over his heart, so she can feel the thunder rattling in his chest.
“You’re okay,” She breathes, unable to believe it.
“I’m okay,” He smiles.
It’s all hands and lips from there, they have lost time to make up for.
Kissing, kissing for real, is a lot. When she kissed Noah, he was cold, a ghost, and not the person she wanted to kiss, the first kiss with Gansey was heart-wrenching, this is different. This is warm and allowed.
He’s smiling into the kiss, which is a lot. It makes her smile back, and it’s basically all teeth. She’s happy.
“I was happy before,” She says. They’re lying on a couch together in Gansey’s living room, “I don’t want you to think I was unhappier because we couldn’t.”
“I wouldn’t ever think that, Blue.” He says, voice completely serious.
She turns to face him, “Well, good.”
He cups the back of her neck, gently pulling her forward, he kisses her.