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It was nice, really. They were having a nice night. Very nice. So nice in fact, that Steve intensely wished he could sink into the overexpensive ottoman beneath him, and melt into a flesh-colored puddle on the floor so he could seep through the cracks of life itself. Because it was true; the Party was having an amazing night. And even though he was present, he might as well have been invisible.
As he ran a hand through his less-coiffed-than-normal hair, his anxious eyes flitted around the room one more time to check if everyone was content and entertained.
Will and Mike were sitting on the loveseat, all bundled up in warm blankets Steve had pulled off his parents’ bed. They were softly bickering over something to do with DnD, and Steve watched as Mike continuously called Will ‘Will the Wise’ solely to see the other boy smile.
Max was asleep on Lucas’ lap, while Lucas was playing with her fiery hair, slowly detangling the bright locks. Steve looked as he animatedly talked with El about basketball. The girl had recently realized that she really enjoyed sports, as well as comic books, much to the party’s dismay. Except for Lucas, who was just happy to have another person to rant to about basketball. Basketball was probably his favorite thing in the entire world except for Max and DnD. El was looking at him wide eyed, hanging off his every words.
He tiredly tore his gaze away from the endearing scene in front of him and looked towards Nancy and Robin, who were on the couch painting eachother’s nails, Nancy’s slowly turning a light pink and Robin’s having already been done in various outrageously clashing shades of orange.
That was probably the most unlikely friendship out of all, but after they had found out about their mutual love for writing short stories, and in Robin’s case ‘The Breakfast Club’ fanfiction, they were almost inseparable. Ever since Nancy and Jonathan had hit a bit of a rough patch in their relationship, Nancy could be seen with Robin every waking (and sometimes sleeping) hour of the day. It was kind of extreme, to the point that as soon as Nancy walked though the doors at family video Steve was long forgotten. Like an old toy that you get bored of once you get a new one.
But that was fine, because they were both adults and they should be allowed to make their own decisions. If Steve wasn’t interesting enough, why wouldn’t Robin prefer Nancy? At least they actually had something in common. It was the logical course of action for Robin, even though once upon a time it had been Steve in Nancy’s spot, giggling about ‘Back to the Future’ and ‘Fast Times’, complaining about Keith and generally comforting one another.
Next to Robin, with his back leaning flush against hers in an unmistakable display of warm affection, was Eddie, who was in a very heated discussion with Dustin about... something Steve couldn’t make out. The knocks to the head had not done wonders for his already horrific hearing. Well, it was never actually bad, sometimes he just took a while to process the sentence spoken to him and sometimes he couldn’t make it out at all, the words all garbled up and weird sounding to his three remaining brain cells. The only difference now, was the fact that all of that also sounded kind of muffled. No big deal, honestly.
All in all, Month Python was long forgotten by the Party, except for Steve, but he couldn’t hear it enough to make out what was being said. Something about the velocity of a lady (laden?) swallow. It was an old movie. Steve wasn’t that intrigued by it, he’d just chosen it because Dustin had mentioned he really wanted to watch it a week or so prior. Apparently, between Dustin casually relenting that info to him and the movie night tonight, he, Max, Lucas, El, Will, Mike and Eddie had already watched it at Eddie’s trailer, leaving only Robin and Nancy, who had apparently gone off and seen it at a rerun in a drive-through theater in Indianapolis months ago.
Steve rubbed at his tired eyes, his fingers catching in the discolored bags beneath them. He really thought tonight would be different, but he should’ve known by now not to hope for miracles. Miracles didn’t happen to Steve Harrington.
This wasn’t the first time it had happened either, with him not being invited to multiple movie nights at the Wheeler household going all the way back to mere weeks after spring break. He had felt the distance start to grow months ago, even before Vecna, when Dustin suddenly had another — a better— role model to look up to. Someone who shared his interests and could keep up with his references. Someone who was worth his time.
But that was months ago, and now it was November and his relationship to the Party felt near unsalvageable. The whole situation gave him this buzzing sensation of anxious regret that burrowed in his gut, the knowing that he’d fucked something up with no way to fix it or undo his mistakes. Really he was just there to give rides to the arcade, the cinema, the individual kids’ houses and occasionally Eddie’s trailer, on DnD nights. But if that was all he was getting, that was what he would gladly take. Because being in the lives of his best friends like this was better than not being involved at all.
He got up from his place on the ottoman with a grunt, the beginnings of a migraine pounding against his skull like a drummer playing one of those loud songs Eddie loved so much. When that didn’t get everyone’s attention, he clapped once loudly, internally wincing at the sharp noise.
Suddenly, all eyes were on him.
He almost tripped over his words because of the scrutiny, more than one pair of eyes disgruntled at the disturbance.
“Just wanted to ask if everyone is up for some pizza? Or other food? I can make some spaghetti if that sounds better?”
The kids all shared one look and unanimously decided that pizza would suffice. The older teens nodded along in agreement. Then they all turned back to their respective conversations and left Steve to order the food.
He didn’t ask what pizza everyone wanted, and he didn’t have to. Even if he’d never admit it, he knew everyone’s preferences by heart. Dustin, Mike, Lucas and Eddie all liked Pepperoni, while El and Robin preferred Hawaiian. Max really loved Quattro Fromage and Nancy always chose a Calzone with mushrooms. Will was the only one who always picked a plain cheese pizza.
Steve didn’t particularly like pizza in spite of his Italian heritage, but no one ever asked so he didn’t complain and just started dialing Tony’s. He’d just choose a Pepperoni as well, and give his leftovers to Dustin. And if Dustin got more and more of his leftovers every time they ate pizza together, then that was between Steve and, well, Steve. Dustin hadn’t noticed yet, and it wasn’t like he was going to traumadump on a 15 year old.
After ordering the pizzas, he put the phone back in it’s original spot and just stood there for a while. As soon as he was away from all the commotion, his entire body sagged, like the little flakes in a snow globe after a young child had shaken it with all it’s might. It wasn’t a nice feeling, more like a heavy blanket of stress and something that felt an awful lot like being in free fall unceremoniously draped onto his shoulders. Like he was mere seconds away from dissolving into a Steve-colored-putty on the floor. Before that could happen though, he was roughly snapped out of his thoughts by a certain witty metalhead.
“..eve? Steve?? Are you good over there man?” Eddie asked, concern ever present in his voice. Steve’s head snapped up from the deep dark mud of his mind and faced the older man with a plaster smile.
“Yeah. Yeah, all good. Just got lost in thought for a bit there. Anyways, what’s up?” Steve said. He could still feel his heart settling at the bottom of his ribs, his fingertips, elbows and shoulders elongating and sinking to the floor in an unrivaled type of tiredness. Fuck, he really didn’t want to deal with anyone right now.
Eddie gave him a... well it was certainly a look. Steve couldn’t really make out as to what message Eddie’s near black eyes were trying to convey, but it was whatever.
“Yeah, right, so I just kind of wanted to check up on you, really quick? You seem distant lately, and maybe I’m not the person to question this, to question you,” Eddie took a deep breath, uncomfortably shifting from the ball of his foot to his ankles. His posture was slouched and he was desperately avoiding eye contact. “But I’m worried about you, and no one else appears to have noticed anything and I feel like I’m going insane, and shit, if no one is addressing this I guess I’ll have to.” He’s frantically directing with his hands as he rambled in an attempt to clarify what he’s saying.
Steve was frozen to the floor. His heart was pounding in a way that it only does when he’s been caught. It was so silly how he so desperately wants people to notice how he’s struggling, but shuts off everyone showing the slightest bit of worry over him. Honestly, it was kind of fucking pathetic.
He casually leaned on a countertop for support, before breathing in and going “Why wouldn’t I be okay? I’m all good.” He almost exhales in relieve when the words don’t come out all jumbled like they so often do when he’s lying straight through his teeth. Eddie doesn’t seem convinced in the slightest, but nods anyways before filling up a glass of water and going back to the living room.
Steve lets out a quiet sigh while dutifully suppressing the tendency to bang his head against a wall until his brains were on the floor like some fucked up spaghetti dish.
He lingers in the kitchen until the pizza arrives, and pays the delivery guy, inaudibly mourning his bank account. Everyone thought he was still living off his parents’ money, but in reality they’d moved to Sweden a month after the battle with Vecna. That’s also when they’d completely cut off their son, only leaving him the house. In a way, it was a lot like a museum, and Steve often found himself feeling like an exhibit walking through the still, speckless space.
He despised it, but where else would he go?
When he returned with the pizza, he got to enjoy a quick “Thanks Steve!” from everyone. While Steve hoped that that would mean they’d all be quiet for a while, that’s exactly what didn’t happen. They almost seemed to speak louder to talk over the food in their mouths. It was okay though, Steve wasn’t stressed out by that. It wasn’t like his two remaining braincells were screaming at him to get the fuck out of the living room and go lay on his bed for a while, just to rest up a bit.
Everything was just too loud. It was all too loud, and the smell of the pizza was overwhelming and everything felt so heavy and Steve was so tired. His limbs were lead and he’d kill to just curl up on the ottoman and go to sleep, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to. He could never fall asleep with other people around.
So he settled for the next best thing; sitting crisscross, staring at the TV (now playing Ghostbusters) and waiting to zone out. Vision unfocused, he sat completely still. Time always seemed to move faster like this, and it really helped to not have to be a member of society for a bit. This was safe. Sort of.
His moment of peace was quickly cut short. “Steve! doofus, Stephen, hi, hello? Wake up dude!” Dustin yelled at him from the couch. The ‘Stephen’ was what had really snapped him out of it, quickly catching his heart in his throat. Dustin was sitting next to a horrified looking Eddie. Oh. Eddie’s hands were shaking, and so were his. God that was such a shitty thing to do infront of Eddie, wasn’t it?
Everyone was looking at him now, waiting for a response that he forgot to give. He stumbles a bit but manages to spit out a “Oh shit, dude I’m so sorry, I’m just a little tired.” Which wasn’t a complete lie. Everyone seemed pleased with that answer and went back to what they were doing. Everyone, except for Eddie. Eddie, who was now staring at him with those dark eyes, calculating. Steve raises an eyebrow at him and shrugs his shoulder, but that seemed to draw the guy in even more.
At long last he gave up, and took another bite of his barely touched pizza. It was an okay pizza, but he wasn’t that hungry. Steve waited for a little while until Eddie’s attention waned off, and then got up to give Dustin his pizza. The younger boy gave him a thankful smile, but Eddie just looked concerned. Why did he still look so pretty when he looked so concerned?
The rest of the evening went by uneventful, with Steve mostly staring off into the void while the rest of the party chatted happily. When it was time for everyone to go home, Steve noticed Eddie held back Robin for a moment, a serious look on his face. First the girl looked skeptical before her expression suddenly turned softer, and then she nodded. She only rejoined the party after turning to the phone on the wall and made a quick call.
Steve was confused, but he was also too exhausted to care. Fifteen minutes later, Hopper shows up, gives him a curt nod and herds the kids, Robin and Nancy outside. Which leaves only Eddie, sitting on his living room couch. Eddie, who judging by the way he was sitting, decidedly wasn’t about to get up and walk out.
Steve sends his long haired friend a look of confusion. He receives one of determination in return.
Because Eddie has decided to be absolutely unhelpful, Steve has to settle on just asking the other man.
“You can leave now, I kind of want to go to bed.” He tries to smile as he says it so it isn’t taken the wrong way, but it comes out as more of a grimace.
Instead of getting up and leaving, Eddie just looked at him inquisitively, seated crisscross on the black sectional couch. The couch his parents got because they didn’t trust him to not dirty up the white one they had intended on getting.
“I don’t think I will.”
Silence fell. There were only a few feet between them, but that didn’t stop what seemed like endless layers of tension settle into the open space. The two men stared at each other. Steve just really wanted to pass out and get some rest, one way or another, but Eddie was looking at him like he was trying to solve a puzzle and Steve couldn’t tear away his gaze.
He crossed his arms over his chest, but the stance refused to serve its purpose of coming off as scary because Steve was hugging his torso with his hands under his upper arms. So desperate for anything to hold onto, for anyone to hold onto. Yet he couldn’t, he was Steve. So he was fine.
“Eddie, I’m sorry about zoning out tonight, I really am it was super shitty of me but you need to go.”
Eddie raised a single brow to look at him in utter disbelief. “Is that what you think this is about? Because I can assure you it is not.” He patted the empty space beside him on the couch. “Would you just sit with me for a minute?” After a beat he added a small “Please?”. And honestly, who was Steve to refuse pretty boys the things they want? No one, that’s who.
After a second of processing he sat down, hugging his knees, his back flush against the backing of the couch. It reminded him an awful lot of the talks his parents used to call him downstairs for whenever they found something to be mad about. Steve’s heart hammered in his chest as he looked Eddie straight in the eye, waiting for the shorter man to speak, unconsciously bracing himself for what was about to come.
“Steve,” He started, “I need you to tell me what the fuck is going on with you.”
Steve mentally startles back into his skin at that, suddenly aware of how present he was, and how present he hadn’t been all evening. He looks Eddie straight in the eyes, feigning confidence, and says; “Nothing, what are you on about man?”
The other man lets out a frustrated groan. “You know exactly what I mean, don’t even try to evade this, Harrington.”
And he does know. He just hadn’t thought anyone would actually see through him. “Munson, just fucking leave it okay. Stop pretending like you give a shit.” He rolled his eyes as if to say ‘I am fine, and definitely not one mishap away from jumping off the high end of the quarry’
“Steve. Please stop. You know just as well as I do that this isn’t healthy. You’re not fine.” And that snapped something. Something snapped inside of him like a glow-stick and the light was fueled solely by anger and grief.
He almost yelled, but caught himself and brought it down to ‘raised voice’ level of decibels. “Not fine? Not fine? What does that even mean? I am completely fine! I’m coping, Munson, and how I do that is frankly none of your goddamn business.”
“Steve, you’re fucking depressed, okay? The others might not notice but I have and I’m worried sick because you’re not letting anyone in.” Eddie pauses for a second to catch his breath. Steve looks straight ahead, focusing on a stray chip on the floor. Eddie was still going on his right side. “Not me. Not Robin. Not the kids. No one. Steve, you have talked to no one about what happened and it’s a wonder you’re still here at all because lord knows I wouldn’t.”
And Steve was zoning out, tuning out the yelling in hopes it would end if he nodded and shook at the right moments. Bad habits die hard, he guesses. All of the anger had left his body as soon as it came, and all that was left was the aforementioned grief and something new. A weird but familiar complacency.
“Eddie, I don’t care. Deal with it.”
There was still no eye contact, but if Steve had turned his head, he’d seen a dumbstruck and silent Eddie. His mouth half open, as if he’d wanted to say something but couldn’t get it out.
Steve continues. “I am someone people leave. That is how it works. I usually have a few good months before I can start to feel them pull away. And that’s fine. It just means I’m replaceable.” His unfocused eyes were watery, and a sad smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. “I am expendable. Like fuck I’m bothering other people with my problems.”
He took a deep breath before finishing. “And if the path I’ve chosen leads me in a rapid flight down to the bottom of the quarry, then that’s okay.” Steve looked at the beautiful boy sitting next to him, the beautiful boy who looked horrified, all teary eyed. He felt so sorry for the man. So sorry Eddie had to care for someone so unloveable. The universe truly was cruel. “Everyone will eventually move on, right?”
He tried for a smile, but failed
on every front as he broke down in quiet sobs. His entire body curled into himself in an attempt to shield himself from any outsiders, to pretend Eddie wasn’t watching him break down. And wasn’t that so embarrassing, to have the boy he adored see him breaking down over something so trivial?
If anything, he expected to be scoffed at. To be lectured, or argued with. Or told to elaborate and communicate on his feelings. To ‘stay logical, Stephen, we cannot help you if you keep making a ruckus’.
Instead, he heard some shuffling near him, and soon followed a hand ghosting on his shoulder. One hand became two hands, and before he knew it Eddie had cradled him on his lap, holding him close. His ear was pressed against the mans chest, and Eddie was hugging him with almost frantic force.
No matter how absolutely gross and unnatural and uncomfortable the crying felt, Steve felt save in the embrace. All of a sudden, a conclusion hit him like a truck.
“Eddie. What do I do if I don’t want to live anymore?”
Eddie didn’t respond but just squeezed him tighter, and for a second or two, everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be.