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Ben had noticed the scars before.
They were silvery and jagged, peeking out from the edge of Kevin's sleeve, erratically scattered from the middle of Kevin's forearm up to his mid shoulder. The perfect placement for keeping hidden. Ben noticed, though. Ben noticed everything about Kevin.
The scars weren't new, and Ben didn't ask about them. A part of him didn't want to know, and a part of him wanted him to know so much it hurt, thus reinforcing his lack of inquiry. Ben never knew what was off limits, so he just assumed everything was.
Kevin probably talked about it with Gwen, he thought. She'd take care of it. She was better at comforting sad people than Ben ever was. Ben wasn't close enough to Kevin to know, even if he was his best friend. At least he felt he wasn't. And maybe Ben was scared of what the answer would be. Who knows.
Ben observed Kevin from a distance most times, not a physical one, but an emotional one. He never got too close to let Kevin know what he was feeling, never asked questions that might lead to answers that would make things difficult. Never betrayed anything more than the most basic amount of care. Ben did this for everyone, everyone except Gwen, but it was different with Kevin. Because he wanted to. He wanted to be close, and he wanted the tough answers and he wanted to care. and that was what was disgusting about him. He wanted. He wanted and wanted and wanted something completely unattainable. Ben wanted to grab Kevin's hand and gently lift up his sleeve, trace the pale skin marred by healed over slits with his thumb, let the gesture speak for itself. he wanted to know why they were there, wanted to hear the story, wanted to take Kevin's fingertips in his and assure him that everything was alright. That Kevin was enough. That he meant the world to Ben. Ben never did, though. He'd be open then. Vulnerable. Bearing his neck to the executioner. Ben never did any of the things he wished he could do, never even did things that could pass as nonchalant, emotionless affection. He'd never give Kevin a single sign. Because then Ben would be known to someone that wasn't himself. Because if he let one tiny bit out it would all leak through.
Ben resolved to hope that Gwen would love Kevin for him, that she'd look at Kevin the way Ben wanted to. That she'd caress his cheek and tell him he was worth everything, that she would never leave him. That she'd prove to be a better choice than Ben would have been. Ben was jealous in an inky black way, as much as he wanted Gwen to be what he couldn't. Ben knew he wasn't tender, wasn't soft or kind, that his hands were rough and tiny and as graceful as a ballet dancer with no knees. It was better that Kevin had picked Gwen. It was. And she would do the things Ben never could, be open in a way Ben had lost the ability for ages ago. But Kevin belonged to Ben first, Ben thought, and trying to convince himself that it was better this way didn't stop the want coring him like an apple, and he hated her at night in his bed, and hated Kevin for choosing her, and hated himself for not being born kinder. But it was enough to imagine Kevin loved and safe, and Gwen happy as well. Ben wasn't selfless enough to stop hating, but he wasn't cruel enough to not love them both. And Kevin was loved, and that was enough for Ben.
Gwen broke up with Kevin a week after their 16th birthday.
"What??? What the fuck??" Ben had shouted into the receiver of the landline when Gwen called him to tell him. He was, frankly, flabbergasted.
"What? It was clearly going to happen." she said, sounding vaguely irked as usual, but not devastated.
"N-no??? You guys were magic, like, destined in the stars or some shit! I thought you'd get married, and I'd be your dog or something."
"You already were. You came on like all of our dates." Ben could hear her rolling her eyes over the phone. "And anyway, yeah, it was due. We argue like every day. My parents hate him. He never even wanted to get together in the first place."
"He came around!! He loves you, Gwen."
"Kevin loves anybody that's nice to him. That's why he hangs with Argit. That's why he's still with you."
Ben ignored the sting from that comment. "You love him!!"
She sighed. "It was just a bad idea, Ben. I realized-, well I realized a lot of things. I was too pushy. I brought him into a relationship while he was putting up every red flag imaginable and then I was surprised there were red flags. Kevin's good, he's the sweetest guy I know, but he's dangerous. And he's kind. Too kind for me. I'm not that nice, you know."
"You're nice!"
She laughed quietly. "Never thought you of all people would call me nice. WHat do you want from me? 20 bucks?"
"Shut up." Ben tried to suppress his smile even though she couldn't see it. "You're good for him, Gwen."
"It's all about him, huh…" she paused, then continued. "I'm not good for him. I never trusted him fully, not even when I asked him out, not when he sacrificed everything he had for me. I'll always think about how he tried to kill us, I always will. I'll always try to push my moral shit onto him. Girls like me… we can't afford to be nice. Not as nice as I've been. And look where I am now."
Ben chewed on the landline cord. "You'll get back together. I know it."
"I need a proverbial smoke break. Some time to myself. Some time where I'm not mothering anybody. And even then…. first boyfriends don't last forever."
"Whatever. Do what you think is right."
"I'll try." she said, pausing for a second. "Ben, can you do something for me?"
"What's up?"
"I'm worried about Kevin. You know… you know I meant a lot to him. And he'll probably rationalize all of this in his head as his fault. And you know what he tried to do that one time…. it worries me."
"That one time?"
He heard her make an irritated noise. Or maybe worried. Or maybe angry. Ben wasn't good at reading people.. “I don’t want to talk about it. You know.”
“No, I don’t. We don't talk about much. What was so bad?”
She made another noise, like she was really upset now. “Fuck, you’re so constipated you don’t even know basic fucking emotional details about him!! This is why I didn't want to tell you we broke up!”
“Why are you so pissed? What was it?”
“Ben, he tried to kill himself!! Don’t you know??”
That stopped Ben in his tracks, and his stomach dropped. “....When?”
“Null void. Around 15. So like two years ago. And he, uh… did some not good things to himself when he was mutated a few months ago.”
“I knew about the uh…. the scars. I just didn’t know it was. Um. Recent.”
“Yeah. You wouldn’t, would you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re so fucking scared of him.”
“What??? Am not. Kevin’s my best friend.”
“He told me, you know. About the pact.”
Oh yeah. The pact. How could Ben have forgotten.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was getting late, about 6:30, and Ben and Kevin were leaning against the back wall of Kevin’s garage as Kevin silently smoked a cigarette, and Ben gazed out at the setting sun. The sky swirled into pink and yellow and orange sorbet, with white clouds scattering the open sky and the sun casting amber shadows on them. The smoke from Kevin’s half-finished Camel curled up into the air, and Ben fiddled with his inhaler in his pocket just in case. It was nice to just hang with Kevin like they hadn’t been trying to kill each other a few weeks before. Like Ben hadn’t given up on Kevin. Like Ben hadn’t almost lost him.
Ben knew why he had done it, but he’d never tell anyone, mostly because it made him sound worse than if he just said he did it to save people. The real reason was complicated, and unexplainable, and most of all, so incredibly selfish. He couldn’t even rationalize it to himself, not because he couldn’t make sense of it, but because he knew what the answer would be. And if he admitted it, that would make it real. He liked pretending it wasn’t real enough to lie, and he liked not mentioning it to Kevin so he wouldn’t have to come up with something better than ‘I thought it was right.’ He liked how Kevin minded his business. Not really. But let’s say he did. For appearances.
Kevin finished his cigarette and squashed it into the brick wall to put it out. Ben stared at him. His dark hair amber around the edges, and his aquiline nose was highlighted in the sunlight, the setting sun turning him from pale and sallow to warm and bright, the sun making his eyes shine more brown than black. Ben wanted to drink in this sight before something bad happened, before either him or Kevin ruined it. He wanted Kevin to stay happy and beautiful in his memory forever.
Kevin cleared his throat. “Ben.”
“Yeah?”
“Wanted to ask you something.” He said, popping a stick of gum into his mouth and offering Ben the pack. Kevin never liked his mouth to be unoccupied. Ben declined the gum. “What's up?”
Kevin nervously chewed his gum, not talking for a solid minute. Finally he spoke again.
“Ben.”
“What?”
“Are you in love with me?”
Ben stopped in his tracks, and suddenly felt the urge to vomit. How did he know? How did he know, Ben had been so good about hiding it. He hadn’t even spoken it aloud to himself to make sure it would never be real, never even touched Kevin without thinking about it as thoroughly as possible. How did he know? How could he tell? Dread was setting in. Did everyone know? Could everyone tell? Ben could tell he looked horrified and that Kevin was waiting for an answer, so he spoke.
"No. No way in hell."
"Oh." Kevin said, looking at Ben with an emotion Ben couldn't name.
"Wha- What would even make you think that." Ben said, laughing nervously.
"The way you look at me when you think I'm not looking. Most of the things you do when you think I'm not paying attention, actually. You do things for me. You always make sure I'm fed, and you let me use the shower at your house, and you let me ruin your shirt that one time I puked on it. You stare at my hands, and you look like it's all you want in the world to hold them."
"But I probably misunderstood things." he said, blowing a bubble with his gum and then biting down to pop it. "You know. Probably because I want them to be true."
"Yeah, you probably misunderstood." Ben said, and then the rest of that sentence hit. Kevin wanted them to be true? He wanted Ben to want him? Ben didn't believe it. Not for a second. Kevin had a girlfriend, a girlfriend he loved, and he'd never want Ben over Gwen. Ben knew this. He knew it all too well. Ben refused to believe it, and was going to make sure Kevin knew it was impossible, and that Kevin didn't even feel the way he thought he did.
"Even if- even if I liked you." Ben added. " We'd never date."
"Why not?"
"You've got a girlfriend. We're guys. I'm straight. I- " The 'I tried to kill you' was left unsaid. Kevin already knew.
"I guess." Kevin said. Ben was purposely not looking at him so he could make up Kevin's emotions in his head.
"You love her. Not me. Duh."
"Yeah. I guess."
They stayed silent, and Kevin spoke.
"I love Gwen, yeah. And I want to stay with her as long as she wants. Which won't be long, I don't think, but I can enjoy it while it lasts. It's just- I want closure. The ability to admit it. Anything, I guess. I know it'll never happen. I just needed to say it."
"Don't." Ben said. "It's- it's gross."
"Yeah. I know. All too well."
Ben was grosser, he knew that. He knew Kevin would hate him forever if he knew what he wanted, why he wanted, and he would never let him know. Kevin had figured him out. So maybe he should just cut off all avenues.
"Kevin."
"What?"
"Promise me something."
"What's up?"
"Never talk about- about this shit again. It's gross."
"Oh."
"Even if I did like you. I'd never date you. I'd never want to be together. I think you know that."
"Yeah, pretty well."
"I'll stop doing the, uh, the gay shit, or whatever. You'll stop talking about it too. I'll be like this never happened."
"Oh.” Kevin said, and Ben ignored his voice breaking with all of his heart.
“I don’t- I don’t even know how you got the idea in your head to be honest.” Ben said, laughing shakily. “You’re so weird.”
Kevin stopped leaning on the wall abruptly and turned his head away. “I gotta go. See you, Tennyson.” Ben knew Kevin was crying and he was trying not to care
“See you tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
Ben knew he’d hurt Kevin. When ever had he not? It seemed like that was all he could do. But it was ok. Kevin would come back, and he’d be just the same as he was before, and everything would be normal, and Ben would hate him for it, hate that he was pushing everything down just to stay with Ben again, but he would be quiet about it, and would laugh at Kevin's jokes and try with all of his might to never falter, never betray even an ounce of his true feelings. And they did. And now Ben was on the phone with Gwen. And now Ben knew how Kevin truly felt.
—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’re such a coward.”
“Am not. I just wasn’t in love with him back. And it was gross. So I told him to stop.”
“Yeah right.”
“What, did you want me to tell him I loved him too when I didn’t? I hope you know you were his girlfriend at the time. What, you’d want him to break up with you for your cousin?”
“I already knew he was in love with you. I’ve known since before we got together. I just thought…. I thought he loved me more. And by the time he told you I’d known that wasn't the case for a long time.”
Ben was silent.
“It was a bad idea to stay together as long as we did. After a while, his love for you, and even more, his pain that it was unattainable, was more than our relationship ever was, even when it was going well.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Fuck off, Ben, he cried for days after you literally told him it was disgusting that he loved you, and that you’d never want him even if you did love him back.”
“I didn’t say that! And he wouldn’t do that… Kevin doesn’t cry. He’s tough.”
“He’s miserable, Ben. He hates himself with all of his heart. He wants to rip himself from the inside out. He always has. He just never shows it in front of you because he thinks you’ll see him as weak and the tiny bit of affection you have for him will disappear!! You're ruining him!!”
“It's- it’s not my fault. I’m just not in love with him is all.”
“Oh shut up. You’ve been in love with him for years. You’ve been in love with him since you met.”
“No. I haven’t. Don’t say that.”
“And you keep denying it. Like the pussy you are. “
“Shut up!!”
“It’s all your fault.” She said, and Ben could hear her voice breaking over the phone. “Fuck, sorry, ugh….I know it’s not everything. I know you aren’t responsible for all of it. It’s just- I still love him. Not romantically of course, not anymore, it’s just…. I saw all of the stuff you didn’t see as his girlfriend. He… he hurt himself. During the summer. And he came to me, and he begged me not to tell you when I wanted to. He thought you’d hate him, see him as selfish… God, Ben, all he wants is something from you. Anything.”
Ben was silent, and felt his eyes get watery, but he swallowed it down. It hadn’t been put into perspective at all really, how much Kevin was hurting. And how much he had a hand in it. He wanted to tear himself open and rip himself apart, he wanted to yell and scream and ruin himself. Because all he had ever wanted was for Kevin to be happy, but he never did anything to make it so, just sat on the sidelines hoping someone would do it for him.
“What… Ben whispered. “What did he do?”
“I don’t want to say.” She said, her voice also low. “Ask him.”
“He doesn’t want to tell me. He begged you not to tell.”
“If you told him you would listen and that you would be there for him, I think he’d tell you anything about himself you ever wanted to hear.”
“Oh.” Ben said.
“Will you make sure he’s ok? You don’t have to ask him about anything, just ask him how he’s doing. And listen.”
“I-” Ben said, preparing another excuse to get out of it, then stopped, and said “I’ll try.”
“That’s all I want, Ben.”
“I love you, Gwen.”
“I love you too. Be safe.”
“Be safe.”
Ben put the phone back in the receiver, and stared at the wall in silence. Once the anger at himself had passed (and it was probably never going to pass) he thought about Kevin, and all Kevin had ever done for him. From the very moment they met Kevin had done things for him, and there was never a cap on how much sacrifice Kevin would make. Ben knew very well that Kevin would kill for him, and would die for him. And what had Ben done for Kevin? Tried to kill him, made fun of him while he was at his worst, tossed him in prison for 5 years when he was only 11? Continued to push Kevin away when all Kevin had ever wanted was just kindness and understanding between them? When that’s all Ben had ever wanted too? Why was he even doing this, why was he torturing himself so much? For heroism? For appearances? For a persona that had lost all meaning years ago and was now just a superficial idea of a person?
All Ben had ever wanted for his entire relationship with Kevin was for Kevin to be ok. That was a lie. All Ben had ever wanted was for Kevin to be ok with him. With Ben. Ben wanted to be the reason Kevin was ok. Ben wanted to be the beacon of hope he knew he’d been for Kevin , he wanted to live up to the Ben that lived in Kevin’s head. And he wanted to show Kevin he was loved. Because God, Ben loved Kevin. Ben loved Kevin with everything he had in himself. He couldn’t imagine a world where he didn’t love Kevin. He couldn’t imagine a world where there wasn’t a Kevin to love.
Ben wanted to ask about the scars now. He wanted to do more than that, really. He wasn’t sure what, he hadn’t let himself even do the tiniest bit of fantasizing about what it would be like to love Kevin, but he would do more than fantasizing now. He would show him. He would make Kevin feel so loved that happiness would become mundane, he’d fill the cavity in Kevin’s heart with every bit of love he had inside of himself.
Say what you will, but Ben was not brave. He was a coward, well and truly, but he would make it right. He would fix everything. He would make good on his promise to Gwen.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Kevin? You there?”
Ben’s shoes slapped on the linoleum floor as he entered Kevin’s garage. Kevin was working on his car as diligently as usual, lying on a creeper under the car.
“Oh, uh, hey, Ben. Could you hand me that allen wrench? Over there?”
Ben stayed silent.
Kevin sighed. “Looks like a metal bar bended. Blackish. It’s hexagonal?? Come on dude, don’t be a dumbass, you know what it is.”
“Yeah, I just like it when you try to explain things.” Ben said, grabbing the tool and handing it to Kevin. He caught himself trying to make sure his hand touched Kevin’s as little as possible, and instead let Kevin’s fingertips graze his, and let his knuckles graze Kevin’s palm. Such a small, insignificant touch, but Ben was already drunk off of it, and desperately wanted more.
“So….” Ben mumbled, flopping on the floor a few feet from where Kevin was working. “You and Gwen.”
“Oh…. yeah. That.’
Ben didn’t know what to say, so he just said “I’m sorry. I know, uh… I know she meant a lot to you.”
Kevin slid out from under his car, then leaned against that. “Still does. Just… not in a love way, you know?”
“Yeah, I get that, man.”
“”I’m surprised you're asking me about it.” Kevin said, slowly packing up his tools. “You usually don’t do conversations about heavy shit. Or really anything that’s not a joke or a mission.”
“Yeah, I’m, uh… I realized some shit. Gwen said some stuff to me that made me reconsider things.”
“What’d she say, ‘get off your ass and go talk’, or whatever?”
Ben laughed. “Something like that. It’s actually…. Um, I wanted to ask you about something.”
“What’s up?”
Ben gulped. “Gwen, she… she told me something. That a few months ago, in the summer….” he stopped focusing on the spot where Kevin’s eyebrows met and looked him in the eye. “That you hurt yourself.”
Kevin’s face went pale, and he broke Ben’s gaze. “Oh… yeah.”
“She also told me, uh, that in the Null Void…” Ben didn’t even want to speak it aloud.
“Oh.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything. “ Ben said quickly. “It’s just… I’d like to have known. Maybe i could have been there for you.”
“Be real, Ben. “ Kevin said, looking slightly angry but more like he was looking for a way out of this conversation. “You suck at comforting people. Especially me. And it’s not like you’d even…” ‘It’s not like you’d even care’ was what Ben’s brain filled in.
“I know. But I would care, at least. I might not have understood, but I would have cared.”
“I would have been weak to you.”
“Nothing could make you weak to me. You’re tough as shit.”
“You say that now, but you were so much worse back then. You laughed at me, when my body was mutilated, and all I wanted was someone to talk to, someone who would understand… I told her never to tell you. She wanted to at least let you know something happened, but I told her to never… I begged her not to. It would have ruined me for you to turn your back on me again. Especially with this.”
Ben felt empty. Kevin really feared him this much? Ben wanted to say he wouldn’t have turned his back on him, but that he would have been a lie. Ben knew he was cruel back then, and still cruel now, and probably would always be. But he could hate himself later. It was about Kevin right now.
“I know. I’m sorry for being such a cunt…. I don’t think I can make it all up to you tonight. But I can try. And I can listen. If you want.”
Kevin stayed silent. Ben felt like an asshole again.
Finally Kevin spoke. “I don’t know. I trust you, don’t get me wrong, it’s just…. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s really hard when you’re nice to me. “
“Why?”
“It… it always feels like it’ll be the last time, I guess. Whatever, I can’t explain it good enough. Just… it’s hard, ok. You’re hard to figure out.”
“I’m not that complicated.”
“To me, you are.” He slowly got up, then offered a hand to Ben.”Come on, let’s go somewhere more comfortable. My ass hurts.”
Ben took his hand instead of ignoring it like he usually did and gripped it firmly, pulling himself up. “Why are we-”
“I’m gonna tell you.” Kevin said. ‘Everything. You can’t talk until I’m done though.”
In a secluded corner of Kevin’s garage, he’d shoved a mattress a while ago. Ben never ventured to this corner before, it felt like intruding, as most things with Kevin did, but he now sat at the foot of Kevin’s bed, as far away as possible from Kevin, who was leaning against his mess of pillows (Old habits die hard. Ben wasn’t used to being close to Kevin quite yet.).
“So.” Kevin said. “You want to hear the Null Void story or the story from this summer?”
“You want to tell me both?”
“You’ll listen, right?”
“Always.”
“Which one, then?”
“Whichever you feel comfortable with, I guess.”
“You’re being so weird right now.”
“God, Kevin, I don’t want to pick which suicide story you tell me first.”
“Fair. Null Void, then.” He took a deep breath and started talking.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was like. I want to say 15? Lost track of my age for a bit, before I came back to Earth. I think I was recently 15 too, because my hair was around chin length, that’s how I gauged it. Argit had ditched me a month before, for a tadenite smuggling gang from lower Pyros. Didn’t occur to him to bring the guy who could produce an endless supply, I guess. He was never the most practical when it came down to it.
I don’t remember what planet it was I was on. Desert-y. Three or four suns. Fucking hot. For a while I’d hijack any ship I could and just go to whatever planet looked promising. I’d made a gamble previously, betraying one of my only remaining contacts for his ship, for a gamble that ended up with me wandering an endless wasteland. I had enough food and water for another week and a half if I played my cards right, but a part of me just. Didn’t want to.
I hadn’t had a moment to myself in years, where I was just alone. Not plotting, not planning or working on a sting. Just alone. With myself.
I know I had done what I needed to survive, and that general crookery was the only reason i was still alive. Didn’t mean it didn’t make me feel gross though. I never realized how much it made me dislike myself.
After years of just doing what I needed to survive and focusing on only that, I was alone, and had hours and hours of sitting with myself and just thinking about everything I’d done. The house fire. My padlock. The people, innocent people, I robbed. You. Always you.
I still hated you, at least I said I did, but the hate was wearing thin, and betraying something else. I was a fuck up. I hadn’t kept you near me, and you were the only one. You were the only one who wanted to be near me. I smelled like shit, I was skin draped over bones, I was the worst person in the world, and you still wanted to be near me. And I fucked it up. You were the only one who ever cared if I lived or died. And I hated you, I hated you for giving up on me, but after a while….. I felt like I deserved it. A clean, healthy, beautiful boy had wanted me for a bit, and I had sacrificed the only thing I'd ever wanted for survival. So you ruined me back. And I hated you for a bit, and it was your fault for a bit…. but the year I was 15, I started to think that maybe I was trash. Maybe I deserved being tossed out like it.
There's a photo of you. In my wallet. I never showed you, because along with my padlock, it’s the…. the most important thing to me. In the world. It's been folded and crumpled over and over and ripped up and taped back together… I looked at it a lot that year, and replayed your voice in my head over and over. I was in hell and you were the demon tormenting me. And after a while… I thought maybe I should. Go to hell, that is. Where I belonged.
Killing yourself is complicated when you don't have pills or blades or anywhere to hang a rope. I felt like that was a part of my purgatory, in a way. No way to be selfish enough to put myself out of my misery. I resolved to just. Not eat. I was used to that. And it was an ironic enough punishment, I thought. All those years of scrounging for every scrap I could find, ending in food sitting perfectly in my bag as I wasted away. Perfectly torturous. I’m kind of an edgelord, I know.
After a few days of this, I was too weak to walk, so I settled by a patch of rocks and just waited. And I thought. About you, like usual. When am I ever not? I wondered what you were doing. If you cared. If you’d even thought about me in years. I wondered how old you were, how long your hair was, if your clothes were still always too big for you. If someone told you that Kevin Levin had died, would you be sad? I didn’t think you would be, but then again, I was killing myself. Not the best state of mind to judge things.
I haven’t felt death coming on many times in my life, but this time I felt it hard, like slowly losing your grasp on something. I thought back to when my hair was really long, back when I was nine, before I cut it in a fit of rebellion. It was to my knees. My mom used to sit me on a stool and brush it, because my arms would hurt if I did it myself. I thought about being small and taken care of. I was getting tired. Very tired.
A few hours later, I suddenly heard a ship landing a few meters away from my final resting place. I was mildly pissed that someone had interrupted my final few hours, but curiosity won over. I weakly peered out over the rock, to see a standard issue Plumber ally-type shipment cruiser, and watched as two or three Tetramand got out of the ship.
“Fucking hell, I knew we shouldn’t have come out for another month. Energy storms are a bitch around this cycle.”
“Private, you know that if we don’t get this shipment of lazer lances to Moon 1110 by the next internal review, this whole crew’s jobs are shot.”
That perked my ears right up. Uh, for reference, moon 1110 is a port by Khoros. It’s hard as fuck to get in due to Khoros’s iron grip on security, and it has ships going fucking everywhere. Including Earth. Which kind of lit a fire in me.
I’m a schemer at heart. I knew I had a contact inside moon 1110, but he was a tough one to barter with, total stingefest. But I knew he had contacts on Earth, and I knew that with the right cargo, I could win myself an all expenses paid trip right to my home planet, plus get paid while doing it. And even though I was halfway dead at this point, these Tetramand goons weren’t expecting anything from a near deserted sand giant.
I had accepted long ago that I was never going back to Earth, and was probably never going to see anyone I knew from there again. But now there was a chance. A chance that I could start over, as a grown man who knew better now. A chance I could see my mom again, and make everything up to her. And I could see you. And I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I saw you again yet. But I could think about that later. I was going to live, and then I was going to die on earth, properly this time. I opened my bag and started slowly eating what food I had left, and began plotting on how to properly take over the ship.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“So. Uh. Yeah. I left out some of the. Um. Nasiter stuff. I mean, you’ve seen my scars. I think you know. So yeah.”
Ben was silent for a bit, then crawled up to Kevin and pressed his lips to Kevin’s cheek.
“Wh-”
“Sorry. I just. I needed to. Sorry.”
Kevin’s eyes were so wide that Ben worried he’d get a headache. His cheeks were flushed purple. Ben decided he liked this expression.
Ben started crawling back to his spot at the foot of the bed, feeling he’d overstepped, but Kevin grabbed his arm.
“What’re you playing at, Tennyson?” Kevin said, his voice breaking slightly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to-”
“You make me tell that, that fucking loser story, and then you- don’t you not want me? Don’t you think I’m gross?”
“No way. No way in hell. I- I never knew you wanted to hurt yourself. And it made me think about things. About…. What I’d done.”
Kevin looked like he wanted to cry. His hand drifted down to Ben’s wrist, where he stopped just short of holding Ben’s hand. “Do you…. Do you think any different from me now?”
“Kind of. But not really. Because I always thought it, really.”
Kevin looked away from Ben like he was blocking an attack, like he was waiting to be slapped. “Fucking hell, Ben, if you’re going to drop the guillotine yet, just do it, don’t drag it ou-”
“Kevin, I love you.”
Kevin looked up at Ben in surprise, a single tear streaming down his cheek. “What?”
“This may sound crazy. And overbearing. And I know it’s a lot, but I need to say it. I’ve always needed to say it.” Ben took a deep breath and continued . “I have probably loved you since we met. And I didn’t stop when you mutated, or when you betrayed me, or when I put you in Null Void. I thought about you every day, you hear me? Every fucking day. And all I wanted was for you to be safe, and all I wanted was for you to be happy, and for you to be safe. But I was selfish. I wanted to be the one to make you happy. I wanted to be the one to keep you safe. When I saw you for the first time in years, all I could think about was that your clothes were clean and that you had grown up strong. Kevin, I love you so much. And I wish I could have shown you before. I don’t even fully know why I didn't; I thought Gwen would love you for me. So I wouldn’t hurt you. But, God, do I want to love you. With everything I have. I'm going to end every sentence with I love you, I'm going to claw it into the walls of every room you've ever entered, I will never ever let you forget it. I love you. I do.”
Kevin looked indescribable, like the world had exploded and been reborn right in front of him. Ben took this chance to softly grab Kevin’s hand and fold their hands together, running his thumb over Kevin’s knuckles. “You don't have to believe me right now but I'm going to make sure you do one day. Even if you don't feel the same. You have to know that you're loved. you have to know how much I love you. how devastated I would be if anything happened to you.”
Ben softly lifted Kevin’s chin with his fingers, so Kevin would look him in the eye, and that he’d know that Ben meant every word. Kevin finally broke and let the tears run down his cheeks, and Ben took him in his arms and leaned against the wall, stroking Kevin’s hair rhythmically while Kevin’s chest heaved with sobs. “I don't believe you for a second. I won't believe you no matter what.” Kevin mumbled into Ben’s chest between sobs.
“That’s ok.” Ben said, as soft as possible. “I'll prove it to you, I promise. I'll tell you I love you every time I see you, and every time we say goodbye, and every bit in between too. I'll make up for the days I did everything not to say it.”
“You understand. Why I don’t believe you. Right?’ Kevin said, unburying his face from Ben’s chest and wiping his eyes. “If you had told me when we were going well as friends, before all that shit happened, that you'd say this to me, I would have accepted you, I would have kissed you by now. “ He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “you make things so fucking difficult. can't you just hate me. I feel like it would be easier if you hated me, if I was completely alone. none of this... taunting. Dangling everything I've ever wanted in my face. I know you'll snatch it away. it's what you do; show me the tiniest bit of love and then run away the second you get an out. I don't trust you. At all. You were the one who said this was disgusting.”
“ I know. I know all of that. and I'll probably fuck up shit again in the future. But know that I will not stop. Even if you stop loving me some day, I will keep loving you, because you deserve it more than anyone I've ever met. marry someone else, leave this place and never come back, but I'll never walk this back. I'll never take back loving you. At this point I don't think I can.”
“Why? Why waste it all on me? This entire time you made me feel like I wasn't worth it and then you would shine a little affection on me for a minute before ripping it away. Can't you understand that that just feels like the same thing is happening? It feels like torture. Like I'm in hell. I keep getting shown what i want and then it’s- fucking- ripped out of my hands.”
“ I know. I know. and I'm going to apologize for that every day for the rest of my life. But you deserve to feel loved. And I don't know if it's possible to make up for the past, but i'm going to try. If you'll let me. and I'll earn your trust for real. and I swear I will never, ever break it.”
Kevin pushed away from Ben again. “This was a mistake. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything wrong, dude.”
“I'm not worth all of this. I’m not. You keep trying to make me think I am but I know I'm not. I never have been. I’m not worthy of you. I am disgusting. I’m so fucking selfish for this. I’m so sorry.”
“You’ve ALWAYS been. You're worth so much, Kevin, god. Every single day I didn't know where you were, I thought about you and worried about you and hoped you were okay. If you died in the void then I would've never forgiven myself. I might have- I might have died too.”
“I don't want to think about that. You shouldn't do that.”
“Neither should you.” Ben said, crawling over to Kevin and stroking Kevin’s cheek with his fingertips. “ I will spend every minute of the rest of my life making sure you know that.”
Ben leaned over and kissed Kevin on the bridge of his nose. “You’re so fucking- ugh. I love you. So much.”
Kevin laughs, but it sounds more like a sob. “You broke the pact, huh.”
“Fuck the pact.” Ben said, kissing the tip of Kevin’s nose this time. “You’re worth so much more than my ego.”
“Woah. What high praise.”
“Shut up.”
Ben traced his fingers across the planes of Kevin’s face, and the mere action of that seemed to cause Kevin to break again. Ben wrapped his arms around Kevin and caressed his back and whispered loving nonsense into his ear, ignoring how uncomfortable he felt with comforting an upset person. Because it's Kevin . King of exceptions in Ben’s heart. Kevin didn’t hug him back for a bit, his hand hovering like he was scared to touch Ben, like he was afraid his hand might go right through him.
“I wish there was a stronger word than I love you.'' Ben muttered into Kevin’s hair. ”I think I've exhausted it at this point”.
“It doesn't feel real.”
“That's ok. you can feel whatever you want to feel. I love you no matter what.”
“You're not going to stop that, are you.”
“Yeah. I'm going to make it real. Will it into existence for you. Unless you'd prefer actions.”
Kevin laughed finally, and mumbled a quiet shut up. He very lightly placed his hand on Ben's lower back, and finally leaned into the hug.