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“You, okay?” Bram paused buttoning up his shirt, turning to face Simon properly.
“Hmm?” Simon glanced up at his boyfriend from his position on his bed. He yawned and rubbed his face roughly for a moment with his hands. “Yeah… yeah, I’m fine.” He tried to give Bram a convincing smile and stood up.
“Babe?” Bram walked towards him and cupped his face with both hands. “What’s wrong, love?”
Simon felt a warmth bubble up in his stomach at hearing that pet name. “I’m okay, I promise. I just feel a bit strange… I dunno.”
“We don’t have you go out, we can stay home,” Bram brushed his thumbs over Simon’s cheeks.
“No,” he whined. Simon took a step back and reached for his discarded orange hoodie on his bed and pulled it on. “This is your big coming out to the team, remember?” Simon moved back to Bram and kissed him on the cheek. “I promise to tell you if I feel bad.”
“Promise?” Bram asked, curling his arms around Simon’s waist.
“Promise, promise.” Simon pecked him on the lips and finished buttoning up Bram’s light blue shirt. Grinning, he slotted both hands into the back of Bram’s jeans’ pockets and gave a light squeeze. “You worry too much, babe.”
Bram chuckled, pulling Simon even closer so they could embrace for a few moments. A few minutes later, they found themselves outside with light jackets and jostling cans of alcohol in plastic bags as they made their way into town.
☾・゜゜・．・゜✮ ゜・．・゜゜・☽
Bram had easily found his way onto the men’s football society shortly after starting university. The team tryouts for freshers had taken place on the second week of university and, after a few practice sessions since, he felt mostly comfortable with all his teammates. The only problem, was that he hadn’t been able to come out to them yet. They didn’t necessarily give off any major homophobic vibes, or anything, but, even so, coming out to anyone new was always a delicate thing. And coming out to around thirty new guys was very intimidating, also awkward. It’s not that people hadn’t discussed significant others over the last few weeks, but he had successfully managed to dodge that conversation whenever it made it’s way to him.
Tonight was meant to be a supposed “low-key” football social – just a mix of the men’s and women’s teams and random friends. Either way, still a bloody huge amount of people.
After anxiously breaking down about it to Simon one night, they made the joint decision that this could be a good opportunity to come out to the team. People were pretty tolerant and open minded nowadays, at least young people, and, this way, Bram wouldn’t have to do it alone. Simon would be with him.
With his mental health issues over the last few years, Simon often felt like a lingering burden to Bram. Bram always made sure to remind Simon that this wasn’t the case, but it still remained a nagging fear in the back of his mind. And, not that he necessarily wanted Bram to be vulnerable, but where the opportunity arose to support him, Simon jumped at the chance, as any good boyfriend would do. He wanted to be there for Bram, like Bram was always there for him.
The social was in a second years’ house in town tonight. Thankfully, it wasn’t too far away from campus, just a short fifteen-minute walk downhill mostly. They soon arrived and rang the doorbell to the house.
“Bram!” The door was pulled open by Elliot, a tall and bulky third year on the team.
“Hey, man, how you doing?” Bram smiled.
“Good, good! Who’s this?” The guy gestured to Simon.
“This is my friend Simon.” Bram offered.
“Awesome! Come in, the more the merrier.” Elliot took a step back to allow them into the house. “Kitchen’s just down there,” he pointed to the end of the corridor, before leaving the pair alone in the hallway.
They weren’t planning some grand coming out announcement. More like, just being themselves and not hiding. Well, that was the plan at least.
“No coming outs before alcohol,” Bram said plainly to Simon.
Simon laughed and knocked his shoulder against Bram’s once. “I didn’t say a word,” he grinned. “Let’s get some alcohol then.” He winked and strode down the hallway towards the kitchen, Bram following closely behind.
The invite said 8 pm and it was only just gone 9 so, really, the party can’t have been going on for that long yet, but the table was an honest mess of half-filled and empty glass bottles and, sticky glasses and crushed beer cans.
“Wow,” Simon said, looking down at the mess in wonder. “Cider?” He reached into the plastic bag he was carrying and pulled out two large cans.
“Yes, please,” Bram chuckled.
The house was large and busy. Some people were spilling out into the back garden and a few smaller groups were settled across the rooms downstairs playing noisy drinking games or shouting over music. It was certainly an experience for the senses.
Mingling was easy. Bram had managed a few short conversations with familiar team members and some strangers and Simon had lingered nearby. Each time Bram meant to casually say ‘boyfriend’ he ended up giving in a beat before and settling for ‘friend’ instead, and, to be honest, he was getting fed up with himself, so he wondered how Simon was feeling. Simon, who had managed to come out on the first day of meeting with his new theatre society group. Simon, who had taken Bram along to two theatre socials since and hadn’t been shy to get drunk and make out in front of essentially strangers with his boyfriend.
Simon and Bram eventually found themselves settled into the edge of a worn settee, hands occupied with fresh cans of beer.
“Hey,” Simon nudged his knee against Bram’s.
Bram turned to look at him, a slight downcast expression on his face.
“You, okay?” Simon asked.
“I don’t know why it feels so hard.” Bram whispered.
“Because it is,” Simon reasoned. “It’s bloody hard and bloody unfair too.”
“I’m sorry.” Bram looked down at his lap for a moment.
Simon waited for Bram to look up again so their eyes could connect. “You have nothing to be sorry for…” Simon hoped his eyes were conveying all the love and support to Bram he couldn’t show through his hands or lips right now. “I know you can do this. But, if today doesn’t work out, there’ll always be tomorrow.” He said easily.
Bram found himself sighing and taking a long sip of his beer, before pushing his knee against Simon’s.
☾・゜゜・．・゜✮ ゜・．・゜゜・☽
Their little corner of peace couldn’t last the whole night though. Bram was bereft as his team mate pulled him away from Simon and up the stairs. Of all the places and times to have a team strategy meeting – honestly! He was very sure half the guys were too drunk to remember the conversation for the game next week anyway.
Simon had laughed at him and promised that he would be more than fine mingling without Bram downstairs. Bram had pouted miserably.
Next week’s game was expected to be a tough one. They were up against the rival local university team. Their previous match before summer, had apparently been quite brutal, so the team was eager to redeem themselves.
It was only supposed to be five minutes. But it felt like much longer and it probably was much longer, because he could no longer feel a buzz from any of the alcohol he had since consumed. So, he was clear headed as anything when Simon stumbled into the room before them, all pale-faced and wide-eyed.
“Bram?” Simon had managed to choke out, stumbling forward once more.
Bram was in front of him in an instant, strong arms wrapping around his middle.
“Si? What’s happened?” But even as he asked the question aloud, he already knew the answer. And the slackening of Simon’s body in his arms was all the confirmation he needed. Shit. “Hey, I’ve got you, Si. You’re okay.”
Bram ignored the hush that had settled over the room and held him firmly, moving them to a corner of the room. He shuffled them both down to the floor, placing Simon’s back against a wall. Bram moved to sit in front of him, and took Simon’s hands firmly in his own.
He watched as Simon’s eyes continued to widen, sharp and afraid, and his breaths began to quicken. Shit, shit, fucking fucks. Bram almost never swore, but times like this called for it. Simon had told him how he felt when this happened. How he felt locked deep inside his body, able to see and hear everything happening around him, but not able to talk or move or respond. So, Bram did what he knew would help in those times.
“Hey,” he cooed. “I’ve got you, you’re safe.” Bram brought one of Simon’s hands up to his chest, uncurling Simon’s fingers so they lay flat, and holding it in place with his own hand. Then Bram began to take deep slow breaths. “Keep breathing with me, Si. I’ve got you. You’re okay,” he whispered the sweet words over and over again.
Bram’s right hand rose to cup Simon’s face gently and he stared deeply into his eyes, hoping that Simon would be able to see him and know he was safe.
“Is he- is he alright?” Bram heard someone ask behind him. He didn’t move his eyes from Simon’s to answer.
“He’ll be okay, he just needs some space.”
“Did he- did he take something?”
As if Simon could ever do drugs. Fat chance. “No, this just-this just happens sometimes, he’ll be okay.”
“Anything we can do to help?” Bram registered the voice, now next to him, was that of James, another fresher who joined the team with Bram a few weeks ago.
“Not really…” Bram said, absent-mindedly stroking his thumb back and forth against its position on Simon’s cheek.
“We’ll give you some space, then, yeah?”
Bram didn’t answer, but he saw the shuffle of several bodies out the corner of his eye and felt calmer in the quiet space with Simon.
He must have partly gotten through to him, because although Simon’s eyes were still wide as saucers, his breathing had settled down to a more even pace.
“I know you’re scared, Simon. But you don’t have to be. I love you and I won’t let anything hurt you.”
Bram wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, but in the back of his mind, he noticed the low hum of music changing downstairs a number of times.
Simon’s eyes were welling up with tears and he gave a slow blink, letting two fat drops roll down either cheek. Bram gave him a small smile in response.
“Hey, love, are you back with me?” Bram brought both hands up to cup Simon’s face on either side now.
“Bram?” Simon choked out, more tears falling as he blinked over and over again.
“I’ve got you.” Bram opened up his arms and Simon fell forward, his face resting on Bram’s chest. Bram encircled his frame with strong, comforting arms. Simon mumbled a few words into the enclosed space. “What did you say, love?”
“I was so scared.” Simon repeated the words shakily.
Bram hugged him even tighter. “I’m so sorry,” he rested his head down on top of Simon’s golden curls and inhaled deeply. “Everything’s okay, you’re safe.”
Simon moved his arms from in between the pair to wrap them around Bram’s back. He kept his eyes squeezed shut and continued to take his deep breaths. Bram rocked them slightly from side to side and they stayed like that for a while.
“Do you know what triggered it?”
Simon shuffled so he was sat up facing Bram again and blinked slowly. He dropped his hands into his lap, fidgeting.
“I’m not sure…” he trailed off for a moment and then looked up at Bram again. “I think I dozed off – you know alcohol always makes me sleepy?” Bram chuckled and cupped Simon’s left cheek. Simon sighed and leaned into it. “And when I woke up… I think I didn’t know where I was or who anybody was and… just panicked. I’m sorry, Bram.”
“Don’t you go apologising on me, Simon.” Bram said firmly with a playful note in his voice. “I’m just glad you’re okay,” and then Bram brought their lips together for a gentle kiss. “I love you so much.”
“I love you more,” Simon demanded.
“Not possible.”
“Extremely possible!” Simon declared and they broke into a fit of giggles and ended in another, deeper kiss.
☾・゜゜・．・゜✮ ゜・．・゜゜・☽
A gentle knock on the door broke their quiet spell. They had since shifted so Bram had his back against the wall too and Simon, with closed eyes and a gentle smile, rested his head on his shoulder. The door pushed open with a slow creak.
“Hey,” it was James.
“Hey, man,” Bram replied and Simon heard the insecurity in his voice.
“Is he- is he alright?” James with his gelled up ginger dark hair asked.
Simon decided to open his eyes and give a smile and nod at the guy.
“Cool, I’m glad.” James shuffled further into the room, revealing a bundle of goods in his arms. “I brought some snacks and things, just- I dunno, just in case they might help.” On the floor, by their outstretched legs, he placed down two cans of coke, a bottle of water and a grab bag of Walker’s ready salted crisps.
“Wow, thanks, man, you-you didn’t have to…”
“Nah, man, of course we did! We’re teammates, after all?” James paused for a moment, like he was going to say something else, and then turned to leave.
“James?” Bram called out to him, deciding to be brave.
“Yeah?”
“Erm, Simon’s actually my boyfriend…” he clasped their hands together tightly.
James’ face erupted into a wide grin and he took a few steps towards them. “We figured that out already, man. It’s totally chill.” He gave Bram’s shoulder a firm squeeze. “We’re all downstairs if you both wanna hang later, yeah?”
Bram responded in a stunned nod. He turned to stare wide-eyed at Simon once they were alone again.
“I’m sorry for messing up your coming out.” Simon said solemnly.
“Mate,” Bram twisted his whole body so they were facing each other. “Not that I wanted you to have a panic attack, obviously, but, it totally meant I didn’t stop to think about what anyone else was thinking and I just… did what I knew would help you.”
“Mate!” Simon shoved his arm, laughing.
“Mate,” Bram repeated, moving forward to capture him in another sweet kiss.
☾・゜゜・．・゜✮ ゜・．・゜゜・☽
With bellies full of crisps and coke, Simon was the first to stand and stretch. He held his hand down to Bram, still sitting crossed legged on the floor. “Let’s go make some friends, then?”
With eyes crinkled up at the sides in a grin, Bram grasped Simon’s hand and pulled himself up to stand.
Bram held his hand tightly as they descended the stairs to re-join the party.