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It's 6:49 am, and he has no good reason to be awake.
There's an eerie morning stillness that dissolves into comfort on a deep breath, a barely working mind acknowledging the dark gray light means it's not quite time to awaken yet. He turns to find a more agreeable position, staring across the empty bed with hazy eyes out of the window to the world below. The subway passes by, so small it looks like a child's toy on the track. He knows there are people down there, just starting the day, but they're invisible where he is, up in the clouds.
They are ready to greet the day, but he isn't.
9:17 is much more appropriate for a clear mind (even though that clear mind is now remembering all the details it couldn't comprehend before the sun rose). There's a hollow loneliness now, a reverberating silence that only his footsteps breaks, and he lacks the will to fix it; the tv, or perhaps music, would provide some sort of fabricated companionship, but it's nothing like the real thing, so why bother?
He finds a box of cereal on top of the fridge and eats it straight out with his hand, too listless to find the bowl, spoon, milk. His feet rest on the coffee table, and he picks up the book his heel accidentally edges off, settling with it to pass the time. It's not his usual taste, some political thriller rife with spies and treason, but it's either this or stare at the wall, and he can only do that for so long.
When the door opens, he pushes back the giddiness with a cool level of nonchalance that is no way related to how he actually feels, and he eyes remain down until he sees feet within his peripheral, silently waiting for acknowledgement. He looks up casually, instantly tilting the top of the book against his nose to cover the grin he can't contain, and he doesn't miss the ghost of amusement that passes along his face in return. It's like they both were expecting to feel awkward, waiting for the other to rectify it before even beginning, but it doesn't come.
"Morning, Professor Kim" he says, dropping the book in his lap and letting his happiness be shown. No point in trying to hide what they can both see.
"Likewise, soon-to-be Professor Kim," is the response he earns, and now they're both unabashedly grinning like two fools at one another.
"I ate your cereal," he admits, suddenly feeling ready to be open with no boundaries, and he laughs as he leans forward to brush crumbs off of his shirtfront.
"I see that. Enjoying my book?"
"Not really." He doesn't feel uncomfortable being honest, but then again, he never really does anyways. "Politics aren't really my thing, I guess."
The phenomena is mutual between them. "Yeah, well, your shit is also boring."
"Sunggyu!" he laughs out loud, but it's half in surprise, and Sunggyu at least has enough remaining shyness to lower his eyes and blush behind the hand that covers his mouth.
"Sorry, I'm just bitter they make me teach a double block at 7:25 am three times a week. Especially mass media law. Whocares about mass media law? It's not even my specialty. I just got shafted because I'm the youngest one on faculty."
He knows Sunggyu is trying to goad him into a fight, and he smiles evenly in return as if he didn't hear the crack at him. "Will they do that to me too, then?"
"Probably. If the kids even sign up for Mass Media and You or Intro to Telecommunication or whatever it is you teach. Not sure why anyone would want to have their mind obliterated by the sheer boringness, but to each their own I guess..."
"I find it interesting that, despite the seeming dullness of my subject, you know even the names of my course codes." His face hurts from smiling so much, and he bites on his lip just to get his cheeks to relax. He lets that crack at Sunggyu hang in the air for a moment, and Sunggyu gets flustered in the meantime.
"Well, maybe I just find you interesting. Anyway, let's go lay down."
He won't push the subject, and he knows Sunggyu is trying to distract him, but he lets him do it, dragged off the couch with a less than delicate yank. Sunggyu needs time for these things, and he realizes that just fine.
It wasn't intentional, how the whole business had begun. He had been looking for a job and an advancement into the next stage of his life, the stage post-post-doc but before the part where he got swept off his feet, but it kind of came all wrapped up together in one fell swoop. He supposed that happened sometimes too, but everything in his life started changing so rapidly, it made his head spin a little.
The communications department had been more than welcoming in his previous interviews, going out of their way to tour him around the campus and introduce him to everyone around for the summer. He knew he was one of at least four or five candidates being considered, but they had treated him like he were the only one, and he tried not to get his hopes up too high. When they had called him back for a third interview, he had a good feeling it might be the real thing.
So he had packed his bag, took a week of leave from his lecturing position, supported by those who wanted him to go on to bigger and better things, and stopped off to stay at his parents for the first time in years, situated in the neighboring district. Still, he hadn't had the time see them, waking up early to meet up with this faculty member or that, meetings with administrators, auditing classes and one planned talk the second day for a panel of emeritus staff, adjunct professors, and students, essentially a return to his thesis defense.
And then he had been dragged out, not necessarily against his will, to the various bars around the area, meeting a constant stream of people he couldn't hope to remember in one week, much less his potential entire time at the university.
"They like you a lot. They're so pissed they can't meet up with you, you know, conflict of interest because they haven't hired you yet. But us, we're all good, not related here, keep drinking, we just started," said the one he compartmentalized in his mind as 'Chatty Physics Guy', and 'Lovely Computer Science Lady with a Not-So-Casual Shinhwa Obsession' had saved him by asking about his upbringing just around the corner.
Sometime later, the conversation had frozen around the table when 'Previously Chatty, Now Borderline Fucking Annoying Physics Guy' had slapped his hand on the table with enough force to make their glasses wobble, pointing across the bar and yelling perhaps a little too excessively.
"Look who decided to show up. The Honorable Kim Sunggyu himself!"
If his expression gave away anything, Kim Sunggyu must have held a particularly similar feeling of distaste for Physics Guy, but he had greeted everyone with a polite bow anyway after sending him an especially dark look that Physics Guy merely laughed at in response. "I'm a lawyer, Jooyoung, not a judge. Who's the new guy?"
He had, somewhat embarrassingly, choked on the foam of his beer at that, and he had received a round of curious looks and one strong slap on the back before introductions were made. "He's Kim Myungsoo, newest associate professor in the communications department," Physics Guy had offered, and he had tripped over himself trying to correct him.
"I'm not actually hired yet, please don't think the wrong thing," he had fumbled out a bit too hastily to not seem totally discombobulated, but Kim Sunggyu hadn't apparently worried about the details before pulling up a chair at the opposite end of the table and getting engrossed in a conversation with someone he thought might have been a history professor. Still, somehow he found he couldn't stop worrying about it, and maybe that's why he remembered Sunggyu's name before everyone else's, so concerned about the impression that had been made for him and the need to correct what he hoped didn't seem like arrogance on his part.
So maybe that's why he had pulled Sunggyu aside at the exit, hand anxious and urgent around Sunggyu's wrist. "I just want you to- I don't want you to think I think I'm just going to be hired-"
"Don't worry about it. I don't trust half the shit that comes out of Jooyoung's mouth as is. No worries." Sunggyu had said without any particular feeling, and he felt like a bigger idiot for even going out of the way. It's not that he wasn't confidant in his abilities (and he wasn't shy about them, either), but if anyone let it get back to the department there was even an ounce of pretension in him about his chances, he might be looking for somewhere else to work. And he really really wanted this job.
"Oh. Okay. Um, have a good night, then," he said, bowing deep if only to hide the embarrassment plastered all over his face, waiting for Sunggyu to bid him farewell and leave.
Instead, Sunggyu had waited for him to finally peek his head up before asking him offhandedly "do you sing?"
"I- what?" He could have guessed where Sunggyu was going with that, but just a minute ago he was making a fool of himself, and now it seems like this guy is asking to spend more time with him.
"Singing? You like singing?"
There was something oddly charming about Sunggyu, he realized watching him kill some Lee Seunghwan song like it was nothing. Later, one of the professors in his circle of friends would explain the enigma of Kim Sunggyu; appearing conceited but actually introverted, he tried to maintain a steady level of aloofness but instead dissolved into being a cute asshole without abandon. Maybe it was the heart Sunggyu sent his way after singing "Proposal", or the way Sunggyu didn't move away when he had thrown his arms around him after a particularly shameful go at "Run to You", but he felt drawn to him with a certain neediness that didn't seem healthy.
"My place is across the street," Sunggyu had offered as he once again said his goodbyes, this time feeling elated and not ready to sink into the ground and slide down into the depths of hell at a moments notice. "If your hotel is too far away or something."
"Oh, actually, my parents live five stations down, but thanks!"
"I mean, if you don't want to worry about traveling home, or anything..." Sunggyu had tried again, and he had waved a hand in dismissal, not wanting to put Sunggyu out after a long night.
"No, no, it's okay! It's not that long off a ride on the subway."
Of course, about 5 minutes away from his stop, he had realized Sunggyu was very much not being overly hospitable as much as he was asking him to stay the night with him, and he had yelled "ah, fuck!", slapping a hand to his head and scaring the pair of women sitting across the car. Not that he was the greatest with these things, but Sunggyu had practically spelled it out for him without him having a single clue. He had tried to push the fact he was a bumbling imbecile into the back of his head by way of the glass he kept hitting behind him, thumps running down his spine. Sleep had been elusive after that, not only for the reason of his denseness, but of the question, if he would have accepted Sunggyu's offer if he had realized. He had, at one time, believed he needed the comfortable safety net of an established relationship before thinking about such things, but he almost knew, without a doubt, if he had gone back an hour in time, he would have followed Sunggyu across the street and up into his apartment, without a second thought.
And that, more than his odd attachment or the ruined order of things and how they were supposed to occur in his life versus how they were actually coming, was the most curious thing that had happened to him in a very long time.
He doesn't go out on his last night, choosing to spend it with his parents and away from the questionable antics he might encounter, but it's only a few months before he's back walking the same streets, this time searching for an apartment he can afford on his new, generous budget. Though he still had a month before he officially joined the faculty, he had come up early to get a head start on the process of moving halfway across the country and all the little details that involved, new licenses and forwarded mail and finding the closest bank.
There's also the business of setting up his first real office at the school, diplomas (three, specifically) to be hung on nails and pictures of times spent here and there added to bookshelves already heavy under many past occupants left-behind remnants. And in that, the little knot of unreconciled affairs still twisted in his stomach, about his missteps his last time here and the need to amend them, if only to soothe himself. He had been casual but desperate, resorting to seeking out Physics Guy in his department under the guise of saying hi but with the intent of trying to find Sunggyu.
Luckily, Physics Guy had been too engrossed in giving him the directions to the only decent apartments within a 10 km radius to catch on to his intent when he had asked about the other people he had met during the week he had come up. Particularly when he had mentioned how much fun he had with everyone when he was interviewing and how excited he was to see everyone again, though it was too bad he wouldn't be running into Sunggyu around campus and wondering idly how he was doing.
"What do you mean? He's right across the lawn, in the law building. Though why would you want to see him? He's so...grumpy. And arrogant. Anyways, he's as good as always, I guess, seeing as he got some award for service to the school or something and bragged about it for a month."
Apparently there was no lost love between Physics Guy and Sunggyu, but his mind was a little more preoccupied with the fact Sunggyu was a faculty member.
"I thought Sunggyu was a lawyer."
"He is. He still maintains a position at some law firm. But he also teaches, too. I mean, he mostly teaches. He has some weird specialty so he's rarely called on for cases. Mostly just behind the scenes consultations."
And so that's how he, Kim Myungsoo, 29 years old, had dashed across the lawn as fast as possible and come to a screeching halt at the doors of the law school. His mind had blanked suddenly, as if he were without the ability to reason, and he feels it come seeping back out, a sudden doubt of what he's doing here, so he runs up the steps, searching the directory by the door and finding Sunggyu's office number before sprinting up the steps two at a time, hoping to reach him before the self-control (and self-consciousness) returns.
Sunggyu seems mostly unphased by his sudden appearance, though his eyebrows shoot up when he half-yells "I'm sorry I didn't realize you were hitting on me" and, frankly, he's quite astonished by Sunggyu's sudden agility as he dives across the room to slam the door shut.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Sunggyu whispers in a voice that he finds more than a little threatening, and he's tempted to answer quite honestly 'yes, very much so'.
"It's nice to see you. It's really nice to see you," Sunggyu says after taking a minute to work out how to breath again, and his stomach fills with a wooziness he didn't know was possible to feel, and even more, enjoy.
"Yeah, you too."
He shows up at Sunggyu apartment at 10, after a haphazard jumble of excuses he gives his parents about needing to get back to tie up loose ends at his previous job and apologies to his former boss about needing one more day in the city to get things settled before finishing up his last assignments. Much like a teenager sneaking out of the house, his palms feel sweaty as Sunggyu buzzes him in and he takes the elevator up and up and up to the 39th floor.
In a moment of uncertainty, he walks unsteadily past Sunggyu and collapses on the couch, and, as if deciding to just go with it, Sunggyu opens his mouth and closes it again before joining him. They don't make eye contact at first, both still as statues, but he can't contain his curiosity, wondering if Sunggyu is somehow regretting the extended invitation to spend the night. His eyes cut to the side, and Sunggyu's sending him sideways glances too, and it's just the funniest thing he can think of, and he starts laughing until he's cackling, and Sunggyu's asking him "what? what?" again and again but he's laughing too hard and he drives his head probably a little too strongly into Sunggyu's stomach to the point Sunggyu wheezes and that makes it even funnier. He doesn't even know why he's laughing but at least Sunggyu's laughing with him.
It takes a good ten minutes for it to die down, until all he's doing is little hiccups of giggles with his cheek pressed against Sunggyu's tummy and it's so soft and warm underneath his shirt he rubs back and forth a little just because. Just because he can.
"You're like a leech."
That's enough to make him break away, and he props up on his elbows to stare Sunggyu down. "A leech? What the hell does that even mean?"
"I might need surgical intervention to remove you."
"You don't seem to mind."
Sunggyu doesn't, and it's a godsend. He knows very well just how clingy he can be (has had it thrown in his face before, as an insult). He can just cuddle forever, and Sunggyu seems very content with this, threading a hand through his hair to lie across his scalp and rub tiny little circles ceaselessly until he's like putty and half-asleep to boot.
"No, no, I spent a lot of money on my bed, we're not sleeping on the couch."
So he lets Sunggyu half-drag, half-carry him down the hall, collapsing with a huff and pulling Sunggyu down with him like a tree falling in the forest (with nearly as much ruckus). He feels Sunggyu squirming, and when Sunggyu starts kicking his legs like a dolphin tail, he realizes he's trying to shimmy down his jeans without actually getting up. After an extended amount of time and effort that seems much more difficult than just sitting up for 10 seconds and taking the damn things off, Sunggyu wiggles a little closer, throws a blanket over the both of them, and bumps his nose against his adam's apple with a sigh that signifies he is finally comfortable.
He's just on the edge of sleep when Sunggyu moves a little, head tilting to place a kiss to the hollow of his throat like it's nothing. Sunggyu slumps against him a few minutes later, far away in deep sleep, but he suddenly feels wide awake. He counts Sunggyu's heartbeats, thumping against his ribs, and then his breaths, trying to wind back down, but somehow the numbers of beats and breaths and twitches of Sunggyu's fingers against his back makes him feel more awake, more alive.
So he finds the little thing to quantify, the secret smiles Sunggyu makes in his sleep and his number of sighs, to pass the time.
Sunggyu in bed in the morning light is a much more detailed subject. He can count the stubborn, stiff hairs Sunggyu didn't waste time (or have time for) shaving, the few freckles on his cheeks, how many times he blinks in a minute. They're a bit farther away from each other than last night; he doesn't remember if he took Sunggyu's hand or if Sunggyu took his, but it must have been a while ago, because his hand is warm, folded within Sunggyu's.
"You left me alone in your bed."
It's been lurking around in the back of his mind all morning, but when it comes out of his mouth, even he's surprised. Of course, he has questions that would really love answers, but he's afraid of what they could be. He's barely past the point of being a stranger, and yet Sunggyu acts as if...
"Was I supposed to wake you and take you with me? Trust me, I didn't try to be quiet. I turned on the light in the hall and was playing music in the bathroom and you were out the entire time. Didn't move a muscle. I figured there was no harm in just letting you sleep."
There isn't harm, but there is the intimacy of trust that Sunggyu felt, leaving him there like a lover. That's it. That's exactly what he did. Like lovers. Are they lovers?
"I could have woken up and, like, messed with your stuff or something. Stolen things and booked it out of here."
"And I would have known the first person to look for. Look, are you offended I didn't ask you to leave, Myungsoo?"
He feels silly for reading into it but incapable of pretending it means nothing, and he's not sure how to convey that without seeming needy or desperate. Sunggyu doesn't think anything of it, but it's not like you leave your everyday fuck buddy alone in your apartment while you live your life. You drag their ass out of bed and tell them to call you. But he and Sunggyu aren't fuck buddies.
"What are we?"
It's so cliche, a whiny confrontational scene ripped straight from a drama, but Sunggyu just sighs in a dreamy, half-laughing sort of way, as if he's on to him but is relieved that this is what it's about.
"Oh, Myungsoo," he whispers, pulling him near until they're snuggled even closer than last night with a sort of reassuring and tender comfort that makes his heart burst with love. "I think we're two people who are going to fall in love with each other."
It's not what he assumed Sunggyu would say at all, but sometimes, he's found, reality is much better than any of his expectations.