Work Text:
A night is a time to sleep to rest to just lay down and breathe with no thoughts. Have a nice dream a dream where you are smiling. However, the person on the ground is currently a long way from a pleasant dream. A nightmare would be a better description.
A line kept repeating in Jeremy's head and keeping him from falling asleep. He also couldn't help but scream obscenities at Alberon.
The voice of the swords clanking was loud. Even when he was being hit by chilly winds through a wet shirt, his body was still burning up. Alberton was striking hard, but because of his clear focus, he was able to anticipate his next move with ease. But in swordplay, the outcome could be altered in a matter of seconds. Alberon noticed a window of opportunity and seized it. However, Jeremy's strength even defeated the accomplished knight. He pushed him back hard and with fast yet strong strikes. Alberon was on the ground. He smiled admitting his defeat.
“You are getting better with time Master” he spoke in a happy voice
Even though it was a good match, I said, "If you hadn't gotten greedy, we could have continued to fight for longer."
Putting his sword back in its sheath, he responded, "Well Master, my thinking is I don't want regret.
So you don't regret anything in your life, I questioned.
“Noo, I have many but that’s why I try to not have more” He said his eyes looking up at the sky. Such a solemn expression on his face is unusual.
"Well, regret is okay sometimes because it prevents you from making rash decisions." I said but Alberon stop his track he looked at me with a little sadness in his eyes and spoke “ Regret never leaves master it’s something you carry for your whole life and it brings you sadness every time”
He looked serious the air between us was heavy.
I replied cheekily to switch the subject, "Well, I bet this regret must have saved you from a lot of rejection in your days." But Alberon was still standing. He smiled at me but his eyes were definitely sad maybe I touched something I shouldn’t. I was about to apologize but he spoke before me
His voice was composed, but sadness filled him. "Regret hurts more than a rejection," he said.
“I hope Master Jeremy doesn’t have many regrets” his eyes said he meant it. But it was something I didn’t need to hear.
It was the start of December, and everyone in the house is sleeping calmly. He checked it, so he is aware. Everyone was snugly covered in blankets in their respective beds. For Elias, he needed to fix his blanket for him. Even when he is sleeping, that boy is a mess.
As the cold became more unbearable, his fingers began to hurt. It didn't bother him, though. The winds were calm, not strong but it was still burning his face. But still, he was standing in cold. Even though he wished the discomfort and the cold would keep him from thinking, what Abington said to him would not leave him.
Was he regretting holding back his true feelings more than anything else? Will the pain he felt when he gets to know because of Elias's big mouth be haunting him forever?
The pain was not strong it was not like a punch but rather a needle pricking him. It appeared as though someone was pricking him, letting the blood out, and then when he began to feel better, someone pricked him once more.
But how could you feel regret when you weren't considering doing something? He only wanted them to stop on the day he learned about his feelings. But like how unwanted grass keeps growing even while you cut them. That was how useless his feelings were. Resurfacing again and becoming stronger every time. He grew more in love with her because of her smile, her goodness, and her very being. It was a whirlpool dragging him down every time he is trying to reach for the surface.
But those thoughts also carried a heavier burden of guilt. She was not his, she deserved to be happy living a normal life and having a normal family, and not him. Maybe he should be happy because one day she will smile and fly without those burdens. His monster father put those burdens on the shoulders of a young girl.
He can’t tell his feelings. Even though the fear of rejection never existed for him. It was the fear of hurting her. And that dread is scarier than anything else. Although his presence did not make others happier, he will do everything in his power to ensure that his presence serves as a shield for his loved ones.
So, they can smile freely and for that even a stab in his heart is okay. Moreover, you cannot lose a person you never had. Losing her is hard but seeing her smile makes every pain worth it. The least he could do to atone for his father's wrongdoing was that. Even without his father, his loved ones' happiness is more important to him than his own life.
So, he would stay where he is now like he was there in past, and just how he is standing today and how he will stand in the future. He has always been and will always be a knight defending his family.
Maybe regret is something painful and he might suffer the regret his whole life. But maybe it will get easier and even if it gets hard. He is determined to keep the regret not rejection. For their smile, he could take hundreds of regrets like that.
He would watch them smile and for Jeremy, nothing is more rewarding than seeing her smile. Even when it’s not meant for him. But he will do everything to protect the smile of his family. When she eventually leaves him and his family, he will still make every effort to keep her smile safe. She deserves only happiness, after all.
Maybe it was the cold or his emotions making it hard to breathe. However, the sun was about to rise, and as with how sunlight dispelled the darkness. He pushed his emotions to the side as he made his way to the practice ground. To keep his body warm because she would berate him severely if he became ill.