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“There isn’t a right timing or encounter yet but there’s a possibility for me to fall in love with a woman. I think it’s a possibility with everyone. Love is but a pitfall. You won’t know when or who you’ll fall for. If your heart shouts out that you love someone, no matter what everyone else says, that’s love in my opinion.”
That’s what Sakura had written in her film review for the movie Close-Knit, openly expressing her support for love between two people of the same gender. Fans had freaked out, shipping her with every woman in sight after she’d said there was the possibility for her to fall. Sakura, though, still knew nothing about love. She didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. “Love is but a pitfall” is what she had written, but really who was she to say? She was so busy with constant performances, interviews, appearances, there was no time for love in her schedule. Still, she wondered sometimes. Wondered if she’d ever find that person that made her heart shout out. Sometimes, she yearned for it. To look into someone’s eyes and see the other half of herself. To have someone looking out for her in the world. She longed to experience all of the cliches she’d heard about in books and movies and never fully understood. When a dark-haired girl in a black leather jacket walks into her practice room in the Hybe basement, she regrets ever having wished for it.
She knew Yunjin before on Produce48, but everything is different the second time they meet. Yunjin herself is different, though Sakura can’t quite pinpoint what changed. She has always been pretty, but in the four years since Sakura has last seen her she’s become the kind of beautiful that makes Sakura stop breathing for a second when their eyes meet. It’s the feeling in Sakura’s chest that scares her most, a feeling she’s never felt before. It's something of a shout, but it’s not pleasant. It’s not the happy shout of a child on a roller coaster. It’s more like a scream, unfamiliar and sudden and terrifying. No. No. No. She thinks. Not now. Not here. Love may be but a pitfall, but she’s not ready to fall. Not when she needs to focus on practicing until every move is perfect. Not when she has spent 11 years building her career, 11 years now resting on the moment they debut and the world meets Le Sserafim. So not now , she decides, and shoos away the butterflies in her stomach.
As they train together and get to know each other, it becomes harder and harder to ignore the feelings that the younger girl stirs in her. Yunjin is the kind of person who sneaks her way into your heart before you can remember to put your guard up. Maybe it’s because she grew up in America, Sakura thinks to herself, that she’s so unlike anyone Sakura has met before. Everything about her is open and laid bare. Her eyes look straight into Sakura’s without shying away, her smile beams without faltering, her confident hands touch Sakura’s shoulders and hair and face as they talk. She praises Sakura constantly, always reassuring her that she’s doing well. That she’s beautiful and talented and worthy. Talking to her scares Sakura more than anything. All of the touching, the way Yunjin’s dark eyes never leave Sakura’s, the way they crinkle up when she smiles. It makes Sakura feel too vulnerable, like she desperately needs to cover herself up and protect herself from whatever strange feeling this is. Not here, not now , she reminds herself.
When it’s time for their debut showcase, she meets an entirely different Yunjin. Offstage, Yunjin is a grandpa in a young body. She makes the kind of jokes that elicit groans instead of laughs. She’s loud and annoying and Sakura adores grandpa Yunjin. Onstage, though, Yunjin is cool . She’s perfectly poised and rehearsed, the same way they all are, but with an edge to her that none of the other members have. While the other girls rewatch their own fancams, looking for which expressions and gestures look best and admiring their own performances, Sakura watches Yunjin’s fancam over and over. Yunjin in a tie and a pleated skirt. Yunjin flipping her hair out of her face. Yunjin running her hands up and down her legs. Yunjin smiling that dazzling smile at the camera. Yunjin singing. One day Yunjin catches Sakura watching her Blue Flame fancam and laughs that unabashed laugh with her head thrown back that makes Sakura’s heart jump a little. “Do you like it?” Yunjin teases. Not now, not now, not now .
It’s not much later that they get their first win and Yunjin cries backstage. Making Yunjin cry should be a felony offense, Sakura thinks. Even though the tears are from happiness, she sees the pain in the younger girl’s eyes. Sees what she had to go through to get where they are. It makes Sakura feel helpless. All she wants to do is scoop Yunjin into her arms and soothe her, stroke her hair, praise her, but there’s cameras and there’s the other members and it’s not like Sakura to act like that. All she can do is rub Yunjin’s arm and hope that that little touch communicates everything she’s feeling, everything she wants to say. Not here. Not now.
Then comes that fateful live with Yunjin and Eunchae. At least half of the views on the clip that circulates afterwards come from Sakura herself. She watches over and over, partly out of enjoyment and partly out of humiliation because it’s somehow the most embarrassing video she’s ever seen, ahead of her trying to rap on Produce48. She’s only trying to sit in a better position to take a picture of Manchae, but she doesn’t see Yunjin moving the chair for her so she just hovers awkwardly over Yunjin’s lap until Yunjin gently guides her hips down. Of course, Sakura panics and looks directly into the camera before freezing in mid air staring at nothing. She’s only thankful her back was to Yunjin, who is so calm and collected and how can she look so angelic on a random July afternoon? Sakura replays the video more times than she can count, watching Yunjin’s hands on her own waist and desperately trying to remember how they felt. Not now.
When it’s officially announced that Garam is leaving the group, Yunjin takes it harder than anyone. At first, Sakura doesn’t quite understand why. They all feel terrible about it, of course, but Yunjin and Garam weren’t close out of all the members. Their personalities are opposite, Yunjin so loud and exuberant while Garam can be painfully shy. One day, Yunjin explains it, murmuring so softly Sakura almost doesn’t hear. “I know what it’s like to be sent home.” Yunjin had been through something similar, although not as bad as it had been for Garam. After she’d taken the main vocal part from Nako on Produce48, netizens had turned against her and she’d been eliminated. She thought she’d lost her dream forever. Sakura suddenly understands why Yunjin has been crying at night, why Yunjin gets so upset when Garam’s name comes up. There’s that ache in her chest again, the ache that begs Sakura to let herself embrace Yunjin and plant soft kisses in her hair. The ache that worsens every moment that Yunjin stands there with that horrible broken look in her eyes. But Sakura can’t. Not now.
When Yunjin sings her original song, raise y_our glass, for the members, Sakura thinks she’s died and gone to heaven. She has always seen this softness in Yunjin’s eyes, the gentle strength of someone who leaves their heart unguarded even in the face of a world that has hurt them before. But it’s different seeing that side of Yunjin broadcast to the world like this, singing a song she wrote with that voice that seems to wrap around Sakura and lift her up above her exhaustion and worry and fear. She listens to the song every night, locked in her room where she doesn’t have to hide the tears that well. She hates herself. Hates herself for not being honest, hates herself for not being brave, hates that she can’t just walk up to Yunjin and tell her….tell her what? That she loves her? Sakura still isn’t quite sure what that means. Is her heart shouting it? It’s shouting something, but it’s so choked up with doubt that Sakura can’t quite make out what. So she keeps quiet. Keeps repeating not here, not now although she’s growing unbearably sick of those words.
Antifragile is an unimaginable success. They’re catapulted into a schedule so busy that Sakura can barely find time to eat and sleep. Every day, they’re practicing for a new stage, appearing on a new show, performing at a different festival. It’s unhealthy, Sakura knows, to be so overwhelmed, but for once she is grateful for it. Every moment she’s awake she’s fighting the exhaustion off and running on pure adrenaline, and for once she forgets about everything that’s been stewing inside her for so long. It’s like a weight has been lifted off her chest that’s been sitting firmly there since that day in the practice room and finally she can breathe again without feeling that pang of regret every time she exhales. Then, as quickly as they started, promotions are over, and they’re in Jeju in matching pajamas and Yunjin, Yunjin, Yunjin . Every time Sakura thinks it’s gone away it comes back worse than before. She can’t go on like this, wanting nothing more than to bury herself in Yunjin and doing everything but. Clinging to Chaewon and Kazuha as substitutes for the body she wishes was pressed into hers. Avoiding Yunjin’s gentle eyes, shying away from her touch. How much longer can she torture herself?
The day the rumor starts to circulate, Yunjin doesn’t speak to anyone. She stays locked in her room, not opening the door even for Eunchae. Sakura stays up into the early hours of the morning, waiting for Yunjin to emerge to brush her teeth or eat something or just let them see her face again, but she doesn’t. Even after Sakura has given up on waiting and returned to her own dorm for the night, she still can’t sleep. She lets herself back into the other dorm to check Yunjin’s door one last time. It’s unlocked and the room is empty. Sakura’s feet start taking her to where Yunjin is before she realizes where she’s going.
The rooftop of the apartment building is flat and dirty with no railings to keep them from plummeting down and splattering on the street below. Yunjin is sitting on the ledge with her feet dangling over the city and it’s enough to give Sakura a heart attack. Doing everything she can not to startle Yunjin and send the girl to her death, she slowly walks over and sits down next to her, not saying a word. Yunjin doesn’t react, doesn’t even glance Sakura’s way.
She’s so beautiful. Even with her face red and puffy from crying she’s so fucking beautiful, the lights of the city reflecting in her eyes and a cold breeze blowing strands of her hair around her face. She looks like a mirage, like if Sakura reached out to touch her her hand would pass right through. And god does Sakura want to touch her. Not now. Not now. Not now. Sakura can’t be thinking like this now because Yunjin needs her older sister. She needs someone to listen to her, to comfort and reassure her. The last thing she needs is Sakura’s selfish thoughts and unfaithful eyes that can’t stay off of the other girl’s impossibly soft lips. Not here, god, not now.
“Yunjin,” Sakura is the first to break the silence, “I just want to apologize to you.”
For the first time since she’s sat down beside her, Yunjin turns to look at Sakura and she’s so fucking beautiful and Sakura can’t breathe again because Yunjin’s face is inches from hers, dark eyes staring straight through every barrier Sakura has so painstakingly constructed.
“Apologize for what?”
“I…” Sakura looks down at her hands. Here? Now? Is this when she stops clamping her mouth shut and lets the words spill from her lips? “I’ve been selfish. I’ve pulled away from you when I should have been caring for you. I was so scared of what I felt about you that I thought only of myself and not of you. Knowing that I made you feel like you have to suffer alone and that you have to hide your sadness from us when you should be able to lean on me and let me make things better…” Sakura finally finds the courage to look Yunjin in the eyes, ignoring the fear that fills her chest and chokes her, “I will never forgive myself.”
Yunjin’s face is washed in the cold light of the moon. “What do you mean ‘what you felt about me'?” She asks slowly.
“Yunjin, I…” Here? Now? “I don’t know that there’s a word for it. I feel…I feel so proud. So proud of you and so proud that I know you. So proud to be sitting next to you right now. I feel like I don’t deserve you but at the same time I can’t get enough of you. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world when you look at me and I feel like complete shit as soon as you look away. I feel so happy and so miserable and most of all I feel so fucking terrified. I thought I knew what love was but now I don’t know anymore. And I want……I want you to love me. I want it in a way that I’ve kept hidden inside since the day you walked into the dance studio. I want it in a way that feels embarrassing and shameful and dirty because I’ve never wanted anything like this before. And I don’t want to lose you but I can’t hide it anymore. I don’t know what to do when I’m around you, Yunjin. I want you. I can’t think about anything else but how bad I want you and how I’m the last thing you need.”
“Sakura,” Yunjin says. Just her name. No ‘Kkura’. No honorifics. Just her name. Then Yunjin kisses her.
It’s almost too much for Sakura. The sensation of Yunjin’s lips on hers, soft and sweet and hot, sends tremors through Sakura’s body and for a second she’s sure she’ll lean too far and plummet off of the ledge. Yunjin’s hands tangle in Sakura’s hair and her lips press onto Sakura’s and Sakura’s so hot and dizzy and terrified. She presses her hands to Yunjin’s shoulders, gently pushing the other girl off. Yunjin’s eyebrows draw together when she sees how red Sakura has become.
“I’m sorry,” Yunjin looks horrified, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I thought you-”
“No, no,” Sakura’s still catching her breath from the heart attack she suffered a few moments ago, “I did. I loved it. But I came out here to comfort you. I didn’t want it to end with me being selfish again.” She stares down at the city below, red with exhilaration and shame.
Yunjin reaches up her hand to turn Sakura’s face back towards her. “You’re not being selfish,” She says softly, “I want this, too.”
It’s a dream, Sakura decides. She must be dreaming, except even in her dreams she hasn’t allowed herself to imagine this.
“You do?” She asks breathlessly.
“Sakura,” Yunjin sighs. Hearing her name in Yunjin’s mouth like that feels more intimate than any love confession she could have imagined. “You’re so stupid,” says Yunjin.
Sakura blinks and Yunjin is kissing her again, this time insistently like she’s trying to prove how much she wants this, how much she wants her . Sakura wraps her arms around Yunjin’s neck, wanting to feel as much of the other girl as she can so she can believe that this is really happening. It’s here and now that she’s plummeting down that pitfall and the descent is sweeter than she could have ever imagined. Yunjin’s lips leave hers and Sakura chases them a little, blinking her eyes open to see what’s taken her away. Yunjin is pointing towards something in the distance and Sakura turns to see the burning red beginnings of sunrise on the horizon. Her arms are still wrapped around Yunjin’s neck and Yunjin places her own around Sakura’s waist, pulling their bodies closer together as they watch dawn break in silence. Sakura has no idea what comes after this, but for once in her life she doesn’t care. She doesn’t think about the next day or even the next minute, just Yunjin’s hands on her waist and the warmth of the other girl’s body pressed against her own. She rests her head on Yunjin’s shoulder as their feet dangle over Seoul, and her heart is shouting so loudly she can’t believe she was ever confused about what it was saying.