Chapter Text
i. you’re in the car with a beautiful boy
Jason felt like he had overdosed on something. He felt wonderful and fleeting and a bit like dying.
Obviously, he hadn’t— drugs were a risk he wasn’t willing to take. But he was sitting in shotgun with Percy in the driver's seat, and Percy's arm was hanging out the window as he backed out of the parking space, and he reminded himself of the risks he was taking; would heroin or cocaine or ketamine be that much more than this?
Jason thinks he loves him and doesn’t know what to do. And it’s not unfounded; Percy is gorgeous. His brown skin is glowing gold under the burning sun, and his eyes are smiling, glinting with danger. They are green when they are not brown, and he is raising a brow at the story Jason’s telling.
(And, even better, or even worse— this is your story and so your choice— Percy is forbidden.)
Jason isn’t sure what story he’s telling; it reeks vaguely of where he grew up, but has that bitter aftertaste of not-home. Swallow it down and feel it leaking through your teeth as you smile. Perfect.
ii. and he won’t tell you that he loves you but he loves you
This isn’t the first time Jason has played this game, especially not with Percy. They’ve been dancing around each other for weeks, tangos of come on a ride with me and look at the sunset then waltzes of let’s die for each other and do you know the answer to problem eight?
This was how it always went— not-love is eternal, after all. But this feels different. The air around Percy is always electric, always reminding everyone of what they don’t have and the things they unfortunately do, but Jason feels grateful for it. It shocks him back to reality, where Jason is rambling about how he ate a staple, and how he falls silent, and how Percy looks at him after backing out and stopping the car. There's a hairpin coming up, but Percy said there was something he wanted to show him.
iii. and you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt and you’re tired.
Jason feels vaguely sick as he follows behind him. Percy took him outside the city to show Jason the new haunt he found. It was an overgrown little area just past the highway, with a tree and a little shelf dropping off a hill. Percy led him a little ways past this, into a small clearing in a little woody area he had found, blooming with hyacinth. He took a seat, took a breath, and reached up to take Jason's hand. (Jason thinks he would let Percy take anything and everything from him, if he so desired) He pulled Jason's hand, regretful and pristine, tugging him over to the ground.
Jason falls.
It’s messy, the way Jason topples on top of Percy, ‘til they are chest to chest on the ground, and it’s uncomfortable with the way Percy’s shoulder is digging into his collar bone, and he’s sure Percy isn’t loving the way Jason’s forearm is pushing down onto the left side of his neck; but god, if he isn’t the prettiest thing Jason's ever seen, bruising and smiling in the sun’s fading light.
iv. you’re in the car with a beautiful boy and you’re trying not to tell him you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling
Jason doesn’t want to move, no matter how sore his clavicle is. Because he is on the ground, tangled up with Percy, who probably wants him to move because Jason’s crushing him, and he’s going to hurt Percy and needs to move, but when will he ever have this chance again? Is this not pure in the deepest sense? The piety of two boys who grew up as brothers and grew apart as lovers, the devotion of two boys who want to kill each other and want to fuck each other— Cain and Abel and Jesus and Judas.
(justus knecht on judas’ kiss;
He did not refuse his treacherous kiss: He suffered His sacred Face to be touched by the lips of this vile traitor, and He even called him: “Friend!” “I have always treated you as My friend”, He meant to imply, “why therefore do you come now at the head of My enemies, and betray Me to them by a kiss!” This loving treatment on the part of our Lord was to the ungrateful traitor a last hour of grace. Jesus gave him to understand that He still loved him in spite of his vile crime, and was ready to forgive him.”)
Pure and ancient and holy. A boy does not love a boy, nor does he forgive a boy. These are not options. Back then, boys could kiss boys, but only if you were going to kill him after. Have no witness except for the Lord and His tongue. The kiss of peace is an ancient christian greeting, known as the “kiss of brothers'' among boys, “of sisters’' among girls, or simply “the holy kiss”.
What we have is holy. “Sorry, Percy, I'm crushing you a bit. Do you need help getting up?”
Jason had pushed himself back onto his knees and was convincing himself of his dirtiness.
“No, I'm okay. Come sit back by me, I still haven’t shown you what I wanted to yet.”
“Was the clearing not it?” Jason didn’t get any words, only Percy patting the spot next to him.
(Rabbi, he exclaimed, and gave him a kiss. It wouldn’t make Jason a faggot to kiss Percy. Jason’s not a faggot.)
Percy pulled at his wrist til they were laying side by side on the scratching grass, surrounded in flowers. Their shoulders were touching, and Percy’s finger hadn't left his wrist. “I should've warned you, sorry. It’ll be another half an hour, give or take.”
Fuck. “It'll be worth it, though. I believe you.”
v. and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist
And now Jason is lying shoulder to shoulder with a beautiful boy who wants to show him something that is not there. And Jason feels dirty, the unholy way, and is a little bit amazed. Percy must have a strong hold over him. He is laying in a pile of dirt and flowers for this boy. He isn’t sure what to do, because this is a nameless, new, thing that they do not teach in school.
Everyone knows of it, but not as deeply as Jason thinks he does right now. He feels it entwined with his heart, rewiring his DNA into something more enticing. Jesus must have felt this way a thousand times a day: the miracle must have been that he survived that long without giving in and letting someone swallow his heart whole.
And if high school boys are one thing, it is cowards. They will lie to you all day, as long as it cushions their fall from grace. They know it can’t be true, but they also know it will break them if it isn’t, so they make it true.
And if those high school boys were good for their word, Jason is probably not the first boy Percy has had like this; shoulder to shoulder in the hyacinth, waiting to show him something breathtaking.
If Jason's being honest, Percy probably kissed those other boys. They probably weren’t cowards or fags. There was a rumor that Percy had hooked up with an older boy named Luke, and there was a rumor that Luke was the same boy who ran Thalia out. It is only okay to like another boy if he is older and a rumor. It helps if he is not there. Entertainment is its own currency.
And so Percy was here with him for now, surely getting ready to wring him dry, twist him at the neck to watch the last of Jason spill forth.
Percy clears his throat, before tugging at his wrist. Jason had forgotten he was holding it. “Do you like Greek mythology?”
“Sometimes. It can be interesting, but some of it’s really weird and sad.”
“Yeah, though I think that’s some of the appeal.”
“Some of the only people more fucked up than us, and they’re not even real.”
“Now you get it,” Percy said. Breathe. “Do you want to hear one? We have some time to kill.”
Jason, and nodded. He didn’t know if Percy could see him, but he figured that was ok. He felt like he was melting.
“So, essentially, there was a prince named Hyacinthus. Everyone wanted him, across all the lands, with several others fighting over him, namely, Apollo and— Zephyrus, I think? Let's go with that.
“Anyway, Prince Hyacinthus chose Apollo in the end, and he is said to have been Apollo's one true love. However, while the other’s, like the mortals and gods and whatever, had backed off and accepted giving him up, Zephyrus refused to.
“Gods are volatile, so one day, when Apollo and Hyacinthus were throwing discus— which were like ancient metal frisbees— together, Zephyrus snapped. His jealousy overcame him, and using his winds, he redirected the discus Apollo had thrown back into his lover’s head. Apollo was distraught, and in his grief, turned him to flowers, each petal painted red with alas, in, like, his blood.”
Jason felt something in his chest tighten. The story was sad and nice and whatever it was supposed to be, but he had some twisted desire to have Percy like that, warm in his arms. If that meant he had to bleed, well, what did you expect? Boys who like boys deserve to die, that much was known. Jason would not kill Percy, but Jason would hold him, and in the end it was the same. He almost wanted to say to Percy, crawl into my arms; history will not forget us.
Instead, he said. “My god. That's so sad to think of. It’s almost like we’re, like, surrounded by the sun's... grief, I guess.”
“Yeah, and the real kicker is some historians don’t even think the original myth was referring to hyacinths; some believe it was a mistranslation and it was originally iris or something.”
Oh. For some reason, that just made everything so much worse. “So… the prince— Hyacinthus, or whatever— it almost feels like he’s been lost. Sorry, that doesn’t make much sense.”
“No, you’re fine—“ Percy stopped, tightened his grip on Jason’s wrist. “Look, it’s starting.” Jason didn’t think it had been half an hour; maybe Percy had meant until the end? Whatever it was, Jason was glad to spend as much time with him as possible.
There were streaks of white shining across the night sky, stars that were generally barely visible were suddenly glowing. Jason felt himself gasp. He looked over to watch Percy watch the sky fall, only to see Percy staring into his eyes. He couldn’t make himself tear his eyes away as Percy blushed and looked back up—Percy must have blushed hard for Jason to be able to see it. Jason made him blush like that. He felt a little giddy.
Jason felt himself growing hot where Percy’s hand still hasn’t left his wrist, and he could care less about the fucking stars right now. There was a meteor shower going on, that Percy had driven him out to see, and he wasn’t even watching. Percy should hate him.
Jason forced himself to turn his sight back to the sky, though he didn’t have to try very hard to enjoy it; he always had loved the sky. He wasn’t sure if Percy had known that. Either way it was thrilling— the thought that Percy had invited him out here knowing he would love it, or the thought that Percy had just wanted to be with him, and by some twist of fate, he chose something Jason loves.
vi. and you feel your heart taking root in your body
Jason's mother was a charming fluffy haired starlet who had begun her fall from grace somewhere between her first and second child’s birth. Jason can still remember the day she tried to abandon him clear as day, except for a few minor details, such as; did she cry?
vii. like you’ve discovered something for which you have no name for
Jason was afraid, for lots of reasons. He was scared that Thalia was going to forget about him, he was scared his stepmom June would win custody but also scared she would lose custody and he would be sent back to Beryl. He was scared that he didn’t study enough for his Calc final coming up, and that he was gonna lose his next football game. But honestly, that all seemed insignificant right now.
How could fucking Calculus matter when Perseus Alejandro Jackson was kissing him. His hands were on Jason’s neck, and Jason fumbled a bit before placing his hands on Percy’s shoulders.
Jason was warming from the inside out, quickly replacing the signature bone chill of nighttime.
He pulled back, feeling the feeling of Percy fade off his neck as he scooted backwards. He looked embarrassed. Jason wanted to die.
Jason wants to say this isn’t how he wanted to go, how he imagined it, but can’t. Him and Percy made a pact awhile ago; they would never lie to each other, unless it fell under agreed upon terms. This did not.
Jason always imagined it just like this, with Percy kissing him and hating him, because how else would it go? Somehow, it still stung.
Surely, nothing good can come from this. Surely, Percy is realizing the mistake he has made and is planning an escape doused in pity. Surely, Percy will leave. Jason knows Percy will leave, now or later; everyone will always leave. Him and Thalia were always a little too similar for Jason to forget about. Thalia left him even though Jason was as perfect as he could be, and now Jason is most definitely not perfect, so Percy has even more reason to just leave faster.
Instead, Percy surprised them both. He kissed Jason again, and pushed warm skin against warm skin, mistake to mistake. Love was not meant to be pure, or sinless, or chaste; and if so, then God is a sadist. Love was meant to grab one’s heart by the reins and cause the whole body to surrender.
He wasn’t sure how long it had been, but the meteor shower was probably over by now. It was dark out, letting Jason see the faint traces of all the stars left and the skyscrapers lights far out.
Jason felt like he was drowning under Percy’s lips, like he was taking Jason apart and laying the pieces on the hyacinth. He only hoped Percy felt the same. Percy bit his lip, and he gasped. Then, Jason pulled Percy’s hair. If there was going to be anything between them, it would be destructive.
It could have been forever, but it just as well could’ve been five minutes, but now they were laying on their backs, shoulder to shoulder, among the flowers. They held hands between them.
“We should probably get back soon.”
“Yeah, my mom might freak if she doesn’t know where I am.” Jason felt so awkward every time he opened his mouth around Percy. He internally cringed at the way his voice sounded. Percy probably didn’t have to worry about a fucking curfew. How lame could one be.
Wordlessly the two trekked back to the car. Percy sparked the ignition.
Jason felt a little lost, because he had kissed Percy and didn’t know what to do. In his dreams, there wasn’t much of an after.
They drove back and it was silent except for the radio, Fall Out Boy then My Chemical Romance then Led Zeppelin and a thousand other songs Jason didn’t recognize playing.
Jason looked across the car to watch Percy’s profile. His piercings gleamed in the faint light. His lips were red and kiss swollen. Jason couldn’t bring himself to regret any of it.
vii. like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.
They drove back into the city. Percy turned and parked on the side of one block, looked over to him.
Jason stared back.
Percy cleared his throat, looking back into traffic. “I know where you live, more or less, and I know it’s a bit far from here, but there’s no parking any farther. I can walk with you back, sorry.”
“I don’t want to put you out of your way—“
“Nah, you’re good. My mom’s got a night shift and’ll be mad tired, so she won’t notice if I’m gone.”
Jason nodded. He felt a small, sick, satisfaction from when Percy looked away from him. It made him feel a little better. He was human too, he felt awkward too. Jason could be his equal. Jason could be better.
They slipped out of the car into the night, and started walking. Even after hours, it was still busy, people rushing around the two of them, but Jason felt like he was in a bubble. He bet none of them would’ve guessed that he had just kissed Percy senseless. He bet they would be jealous.
It was chilly out, but the bite on his skin disappeared when Percy took his hand when a particularly large group of people passed around them. It took them a while, but they made it to Jason’s complex.
“It was— I liked having you out there with me tonight. You should come again, sometimes. If you want. “
Jason smiled, nodded. Percy looked nervous. Jason was ecstatic.
They stood there, side to side, a little longer, before Jason sighed. He really did have to go in. He grabbed Percy’s hand one last time, pulled him closer to him and kissed him.
Percy made a small, surprised, noise in the back of his throat, moving his hand to Jason's chest. Jason swallowed it down. Jason was sure no one would see them; he wasn’t that dumb. But he enjoyed this one thing he had left to himself. It wouldn’t last, but while it did, he wanted to wring it dry.
Eventually, they pulled apart, and Jason reluctantly began his trudge up the stairs. He checked out the window a few floors up, but Percy was already gone. He didn’t blame him. Percy had to return his mom’s boyfriend’s pick up truck. He couldn’t wait forever. He wasn’t even supposed to be there.
The kiss of peace has two meanings, existing in tension: 1) the greeting of holy people, who love one another and share the peace of the risen Christ, and 2) the reconciliation of sinful people, who seek forgiveness before they share the sacred meal.
He always knew Percy would leave. It was always a matter of when.