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It was the beginning of summer. Donghyuck's favorite season.
No one was ever surprised when Donghyuck mentioned that small fact about himself, dismissed as something that had been obvious. As if him being born in June meant he had to enjoy summer. “Typical summer baby.” they would say and Donghyuck hated it.
He hated when people acted like they knew him more than what Donghyuck decided to show them. People were like that, though. They looked at you and formed an opinion whether you liked it or not. They stripped you of any depth and laid the rules of society over you and ran with it.
Donghyuck often asked himself why summer seemed to be the one thing everyone he met connected to him. He didn’t like feeling predictable but summer followed him even during the desperate attempts of guys trying to woo Donghyuck enough to make him follow them home. They just looked at him and decided then and there that Donghyuck was too pretty to spend his nights alone. As if a few words would make him fold.
They all loved comparing him to the sun and Donghyuck hated every last one of them for thinking they were charming or romantic for that comparison. Words lost their meaning when you heard them too often.
Still, summer was Donghyuck’s favorite season and he had to come to terms with the fact that nobody will ever understand how deep his admiration of summer goes.
Except maybe one person. Summer reminded him of his boyfriend Jeno. Their first summer spent together only a couple months into their relationship when most of their exchanges were tender and soft, shy and careful. Donghyuck was the one who brought up the idea and he still remembers the smile that grew on his face when he saw Jeno’s face light up at the proposal.
Summer reminded him of that first trip they took together and how nice it felt to just be alone for once. To leave behind the stress and exhaustion of their first semester at university and the weight of their future. That summer, they were surrounded by people that didn’t know them, that didn't expect anything from them. That summer they were just two guys in love and Donghyuck has never felt more comfortable in his skin than he did in the little resort they booked to stay in. He never felt as comfortable as he did in their cozy little room, the sun shining into their window and coloring them gold.
Donghyuck has been compared to the sun more times than he can count but in Donghyuck and Jeno’s shared hotel room, orange hues dancing over the white bed sheets and exposed skin, Jeno muttered those same words he swore he hated. Jeno’s fingers traced over the moles on his skin and Donghyuck decided then that every word would sound better if Jeno was the one saying them.
Their skin felt warm and a little sticky from spending the majority of the day out by the pool, the sun beating down on their skin mercilessly as they laid there in silence just enjoying each other’s presence. It should be uncomfortable but Donghyuck couldn’t help but draw himself closer and closer to Jeno as he continued to trace over his skin as if he was a piece of art to be studied. As if Jeno didn’t know every inch of his body like the back of his own hand already.
Summer reminded him of Jeno. Jeno and his soft touches and slow kisses. Jeno and his words that always made Donghyuck's heart beat faster and harder in his chest, Jeno and his arms tightly wrapped around Donghyuck's waist.
It was the beginning of summer and Donghyuck knew it would never feel the same again.
🌪️
Donghyuck never thought of himself as hard to approach. He never got the feeling that people were afraid to come up to him and ask him questions when he was studying at the library or greet him when he was walking through the corridors of campus.
People came up to him with a smile and left with an even bigger smile. He mastered small talk and meaningless compliments and everyone around him agreed, so he’s more than surprised when Mark tells him all about how unbearable he thought he was when they first met.
They were in the library right now, their table they always occupied messy with books and pages upon pages of notes, the low whispers of other students around them filling the air. Donghyuck loved the library, he loved it even if being here usually meant a pounding head and hands that hurt from writing too much.
Mark has only started hanging out with Donghyuck and Renjun recently. The study group of two turned into one of three when Mark was nice enough to help Donghyuck out in one of their shared classes after he had sighed for the hundredth time as frustration took over him at not being able to solve the problem. Donghyuck thought Mark seemed smart enough so he invited him to study with him and Renjun. He fit in, so they kept inviting him.
“You thought I was unbearable? You don’t even know me like that.” Donghyuck grumbled, still a little hung up on Mark’s revelation.The worst he’s heard people say is that he seemed way too confident and therefore intimidating when they first met him. But unbearable? That’s a new one.
Mark chuckled. He always chuckled. “Yeah, man. Kinda thought you were cocky.”
“He is-” Renjun tries to insert himself but Donghyuck is quick to shut that conversation down.
“Woah, woah, woah. We get it, you’re all jealous of me.” He says, and feels his phone vibrate in the back pocket of his jeans again. That’s the third text in the last hour. He’ll check it later. Only one person texts him anyway, and that person knew Donghyuck was a bad texter.
Renjun snorts. “You wish.” And then his eyes leave Donghyuck and look right past him. A warm smile on his face.
Before Donghyuck could check who or what Renjun was looking at he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see Jeno towering over him. “You forgot this at my place.” He skips the greetings as he hands over one of Donghyuck's old shirts. Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows because he hasn’t been over at Jeno’s in weeks so there was no reason for Jeno to bring him something he forgot now.
“Thanks.” Donghyuck mumbles, reaching for the shirt in Jeno’s hand and brushing his thumb over the back of Jeno’s hand. They make eye contact, Jeno's eyes swimming with something he didn’t know the meaning of yet. He’s never seen his boyfriend’s eyes look like that. He was used to seeing them sparkle like the night sky and Donghyuck always makes a point to mention it to Jeno in between kisses and giggles, cheeks burning red as Jeno whines about Donghyuck being cheesy again.
Today they weren’t sparkling. Before Donghyuck could solve the puzzle that was Jeno, Jeno looks away and starts small talk with Renjun. He doesn’t sit down, the chair next to Donghyuck is left empty.
It was weird. Donghyuck wasn’t sure why but something felt off and he couldn’t figure it out. He always prided himself in being able to read people well, to know their thoughts before they even got around to thinking them. He knew the people in his life. Especially Jeno. But right now he had no idea what he was feeling let alone thinking. He watched as Jeno smiled but it wasn’t his usual smile, he watched as he laughed but even that sounded wrong and when he felt frustration creep up he decided to just go back to reading his notes, asking Mark how he solved one of the problems.
He was so focused on trying to understand whatever the fuck Mark was explaining to him right now that he only notices Jeno leaving when he hears Renjun yell his goodbyes after him.
Donghyuck looks over his shoulder to watch Jeno leave, getting smaller and smaller. Once he was at the end of the hallway he took a turn and disappeared from his sight.
“Who’s your friend?” Mark asks beside him, once it was just the three of them again. Donghyuck turns back to look at Mark, already feeling Renjun's eyes on him. His eyes were trying to say something, but Donghyuck ignored it.
“Jeno.” Donghyuck answers and he thinks he hears Renjun scoff but he couldn’t be sure, his mind has been playing a lot of tricks on him lately. So many that he couldn't even recognize his boyfriend anymore.
Mark nods, a smile on his face. He packs up his things and gets up, looking from Donghyuck to Renjun. “Alright, my guys. This was fun, but I have to go.” He checks the time on his phone. “My shift starts soon. Let’s do this again.”
Donghyuck hasn’t known Mark for that long. Mark was nice, he fit right in with him and Renjun. He also quickly caught on how friendships worked around here and that’s why Donghyuck couldn’t tell if he was leaving because he noticed the shift around them after Jeno showed up or if he really had a job to attend.
Donghyuck didn’t care either way, he just wanted Renjun to stop staring at him.
Once Mark disappeared through the same door Jeno disappeared into Renjun finally stopped burning daggers into the side of his head. “Your friend, huh?” Renjun says.
Donghyuck looks at him with tired eyes, the shirt Jeno handed him earlier clenched in his fist. He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t think there’s a word for what he’s feeling right now.
🌪️
It only takes Renjun a couple days to bring the situation up again. He should’ve known it was suspicious that he offered to come watch Jeno practice today, he wasn’t the type to watch sweaty guys run across a field and have a good time. But Donghyuck didn’t care why he wanted to come, he was just relieved he didn’t have to sit through it alone.
It wasn’t like he had to come to every one of Jeno’s soccer practices. Jeno never asked him to but Donghyuck knows it was expected of him. It’s not like he’s really watching anymore, it was interesting the first few times but Donghyuck quickly started bringing his assignments with him to distract himself from the repetitive movements on the field.
Kick. Swerve. Sprint. Repeat. He really wasn’t missing anything by not looking.
“I don’t get you.” Renjun starts, forcing Donghyuck to stop thinking about how to best solve this week's assignment. “You love Jeno, I know you do. But you act like you don’t. I don’t get it.”
Donghyuck doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t think he was acting any type of way, he didn’t think his relationship with Jeno changed for his friends to throw worried glances their way every time they interacted. “I’m not doing anything.” Donghyuck tries to sound lighthearted as if his heart hasn’t been trying to escape the confines of his ribcage.
“That’s the point.” Renjun says and to anyone else he would've sounded harsh but Donghyuck knows better. “He texted me after that encounter with Mark, you know?”
Donghyuck waits for him to continue because even though he has always prided himself in knowing Jeno inside and out he had no idea why he would text anyone about that day.
“He was upset you didn’t introduce him.”
“I didn’t think it mattered. We barely know Mark ourselves, what if he turns out to be a piece of shit and now he knows my boyfriend.” Donghyuck says, packing up his stuff. He knows he won’t get anything done today.
“You let Mark think he was your friend .” Renjun tries to get his point across but Donghyuck didn’t like feeling like he was being cornered, he didn’t like it one bit and Renjun could see it in his eyes so he added, in a much softer tone, “I just don’t want you to make things worse.”
“I didn’t know things were bad for them to get worse in the first place.” Donghyuck decides that today wasn’t a good day. He hated coming to the field to watch people run around, he hated doing his assignments outside, he hated the way the collar of his shirt pressed around his throat as if he wasn’t worthy to breathe. He hated today.
“Hyuck-” Renjun was trying to fix things, he always did try. He needed things to stick together and every time they broke he was there to fix it. But Donghyuck knew that Renjun couldn’t do anything about this because not even Donghyuck or Jeno knew what this was.
“I’m leaving. Can you tell Jeno that he did great today?”
Donghyuck doesn’t wait. He had to get out of here, away from all these eyes burning into his back as he walked far, far away from the conversation he just had. The last thing he registers is Renjun calling after him.
“Tell him yourself, dumbass!”
🌪️
Fridays might just end up on Donghyuck's list of things he hates. He used to love fridays. The end of an exhausting week, the promise of seeing his friends and having fun. It was like finally being able to breathe after a week of holding your breath just to get to everything he had to do and Donghyuck loved that relief that came along with Friday. Used to love it.
He wasn’t sure why today, on this particular Friday, he didn’t feel the same excitement he usually felt. Jaemin and Renjun’s dorm room was filled with people he was friendly enough with so he should be socializing right now. That’s just what he’s known for. He can feel a few of the people around him glancing at him and whispering things he couldn’t hear to their friends. As if Donghyuck not talking and having everyone's attention on him was so otherworldly it had to be broadcasted to everyone.
Donghyuck didn’t usually mope around, especially not in public but the past few days have been weird. It threw him off. His usual routine and habits came to a halt as things he thought he knew turned into something foreign.
Every morning Donghyuck would wake up to two texts. One from Renjun telling him to talk to Jeno and one from Jeno sending him the usual good morning text. He ignored both.
He slumps deeper into the couch he was occupying, his eyebrows furrow as he attempts to figure out why his behavior is bothering even himself when he’s never been one to text a lot. Everyone knew that, so he doesn't understand why Renjun suddenly expected him to start texting more. Donghyuck nibbles on his bottom lip as he brings the red cup in his hand up to his mouth, so deep in thought he doesn’t actually drink it. Just holding it up, staring into the distance.
Someone to his left seems to be a little out of it already because Donghyuck gets ripped out of his thoughts when they knock a glass bottle off the counter. He hears Jaemin yell about the mess and Donghyuck finally downs the drink in his hand.
Jeno hasn't shown up yet and it might not be as weird for him to just not come to gatherings like this but Donghyuck really wanted to see him. He supposes he could just text him and ask to see him, or just show up at his apartment like he used to, but something about those options seemed wrong now.
Everything seemed wrong and Donghyuck couldn't shake the feeling that people in his life were judging him for every decision he seemed to be making lately.
He lets his eyes glide over the sea of people in front of him a few more times. Donghyuck's shoulders slump when he realizes he really won’t be met with the comforting sight of Jeno’s dark hair and dark eyes that always lit up when he made eye contact with Donghyuck.
Donghyuck hears the ticking of the clock above him and frustration creeps up on him when the whirlwind of emotions inside Donghyuck still won’t make sense. He misses Jeno, he couldn’t talk to Jeno, Renjun was mad at him because of the way he was treating Jeno (though he would deny being mad), Jeno, Jeno, Jeno.
“Jeno’s not coming. Didn’t he tell you?” Renjun walks over to Donghyuck and plops down on the couch next to him.
“Tell me what?” Donghyuck grunts.
“That he’s not coming.”
Donghyuck fishes his phone out of his pocket and flashes his empty lockscreen hoping that was enough of an answer. He really didn’t feel like admitting anything out loud tonight.
Renjun hums and lets himself sink further into the couch. “You guys have serious communication issues.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” Donghyuck snaps, he doesn’t mean to but he was confused and frustrated and everything was wrong. “I’ve always been a bad texter. Me and Jeno always only saw each other at parties or whenever we hung out as a group. I’m busy, Renjun. We both are.”
Renjun blinks at him, his face blank. “Don’t you miss him?”
“I’m not talking to you about this.”
“Why? It’s a simple question. Jeno misses you.”
“You know, it’s really pissing me off that you somehow felt like it was okay for you to insert yourself into my relationship. You shouldn't even know these things.” Donghyuck knows he was being unreasonable (or was he?), he knows he should be nicer to Renjun who was just trying to help but he hated feeling like everyone knew something he didn’t. He glances over at Renjun who still had a blank expression on his face. Renjun could handle his moods, he knew that, so Donghyuck continued.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Renjun.” Donghyuck sighs, anger replaced with the usual helplessness. “Everything is wrong.”
“I think you know what’s going on. You’re just lying to yourself and hurting Jeno by doing that.” Renjun says in a matter of fact way which Donghyuck appreciates. He didn’t want pity.
Donghyuck turns the words that just left his friend’s mouth over in his head. He didn’t feel like he was lying to himself, he wasn’t even sure what he was lying about. He was confused, he didn’t know anything and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. “I just- I’m confused.” He mumbles.
“No, you’re not.”
Donghyuck glances up at Renjun, his eyebrows furrowed. He felt like Renjun knew more than he said which should bother Donghyuck but it doesn’t. Before he could continue the conversation Jaemin jumps into the space between Donghyuck and Renjun, loud laughter escaping his mouth. “Stop having deep talks and have fun!”
“Jaemin-” Renjun starts but Donghyuck sends him a look that stops him before finishing his sentence.
Donghyuck throws an arm over Jaemin’s shoulder which makes him scatter away quickly. Donghyuck laughs for the first time this week. “Let me hug you, friend!”
“No!” Jaemin yells while running away. Donghyuck huffs out a few more laughs which quickly die down when he meets Renjun’s eyes.
“I’ll figure it out.” Donghyuck promises and Renjun nods.
🌪️
In hindsight, Donghyuck should’ve known.
There were obvious signs from the start, ones he skillfully avoided and ignored, continuing to live through the days as if everything was okay. Even when his friends started asking more and more about his relationship with Jeno, he would just shrug his shoulders and come up with a clever remark to shake off anyone that was too noisy for their own good.
Donghyuck is now starting to realize that maybe his friends weren’t noisy, maybe they really were just concerned for Donghyuck and the direction his relationship was going in.
In hindsight, Donghyuck should’ve known that impending doom wasn’t an emotion everyone in a relationship felt. You weren’t supposed to feel the end coming before it was there, you weren’t supposed to just accept the fact that you haven’t seen your boyfriend of one year and 5 months for almost two weeks now, the only messages exchanged being good morning and good night.
Donghyuck spent more time at his dorm room instead of going back to Jeno’s apartment off campus. He didn’t think much of it, especially because Jeno stopped asking if he should leave the door unlocked after Donghyuck insisted on staying at his own dorm for the third night in a row.
It wasn’t normal and everyone knew that. Even Renjun who usually tried to stay out of everyone’s business has taken Donghyuck to the side after one of their shared classes and asked him what was going on with a hard stare. Donghyuck just blinked at him and assured him that everything was fine. That he would keep his promise and figure it out himself. Renjun didn’t seem convinced, which made something weird settle in his gut. “Did Jeno say anything to you again?” Donghyuck asks, carefully.
Renjun doesn’t answer Donghyuck’s question because he did say from the beginning that he would never allow Donghyuck and Jeno to put him in the middle of things. “Get your shit together. Communication and all that, I thought you were smarter than this.”
Donghyuck just huffs and they silently make their way to the library where they’d meet up with the rest of their friend group to study.
Exactly five days after Renjun reminded Donghyuck of the word ‘communication’, he decides to force himself to take the short walk from campus to Jeno’s apartment. It was already late, Donghyuck spending the last few hours in the library to prepare for all the exams that would soon give him sleepless nights. He shoves his hands into his jacket to shield them from the cold and hopes he arrives at Jeno’s before his nose is runny and his cheeks are a blotchy red mess.
🌪️
“Jeno?” He calls out as soon as he walks into the little entrance hall. He leans onto the wall for better balance as he shakes off his shoes. Once they were off he places them next to Jeno’s favorite Air Force 1’s, careful as to not accidentally get some dirt on them. When he looks back up to look for any sign of the other person that should be in this apartment he catches a glimpse of the wall.
Jeno had told him that he wanted to make a picture collage. A wall filled with all their favorite memories hung in the entrance hall so every time he left to go to classes he could remember that there’s also good things in life - things that make him happier than his 7am calculus class. Donghyuck hadn’t realized that he hadn't been over at Jeno’s long enough for Jeno to finish this little project without him ever seeing it once.
Donghyuck tries to remember if Jeno ever even asked for his opinion, like he usually would. It wasn’t that Jeno was unsure in the things he did, he just enjoyed things a lot more when someone told him that he was doing good. And Donghyuck was usually the one to tell him that he was doing good.
His eyes glide over all the pictures in front of him and he can’t help but smile even as the weird feeling inside of him settles deeper into his heart.
The bottom row was filled with pictures from high school. Back when they were still in denial and had awkward limbs hanging off their shoulders, or Donghyuck's favorite picture from their first date at a fancy restaurant where neither of them felt comfortable enough to actually stay for longer than 30 minutes, instead heading down to their favorite internet cafe and continuing to outrank the other in their favorite video game.
Donghyuck never realized how much Jeno and he experienced together through all the years of being in each other's life but seeing all the pictures together like this made him realize he doesn’t remember a time where he didn’t have Jeno by his side. Time was an odd thing. It was easy to say that Donghyuck has known Jeno for more than ten years, it was less easy to see those years in pictures, each of them holding memories that have passed way too fast, some of them forgotten until you saw something to trigger an emotion to bring the memory back.
He chuckles at the awful picture they took at Jeno’s sister’s wedding when neither of them had suits that fit well enough, when they snuck off into the kitchen and ate all the strawberries off one of the cakes just to have Jeno’s mom appear and kick them out of the whole event. They didn’t really care as they walked through the streets hand in hand. They never cared as long as they were together.
Donghyuck starts to reach out to one of the more recent pictures when Jeno appears in the doorway.
Donghyuck’s hand flinches back when Jeno speaks up. “You’re here.”
Jeno looked tired, which is an odd sight to Donghyuck because he knew that Jeno wasn’t one to show the exhaustion pulling at his limbs. He never wanted to burden the people around him with what he was feeling. Donghyuck and Jeno were the same in that aspect, they’d carry the weight of the world and never complain. Donghyuck always has his smart remarks and confident persona to hide anything that could resemble weakness, and Jeno had his good nature and ever present smile.
Tonight, Jeno wasn’t smiling. He was wearing one of his oversized sweaters that made him appear smaller than he was and it set something weird off inside Donghyuck's heart. Jeno wasn’t supposed to look like this, he wasn’t supposed to look at Donghyuck as if he hadn’t slept in a week or like he forgot how to smile.
“I’m here.” Donghyuck swallows the lump in his throat and because he was starting to hate the heaviness forming in the air he quickly shuffles past Jeno and into the living room.
It was dark in the room and it confuses Donghyuck because he knows Jeno has been here all day. He knows Jeno didn’t leave the apartment today because he texted him this morning saying he felt a little sick and that he’d skip classes. He can’t remember if he texted back since he slept through one of his alarms this morning and had to rush out.
It was dark and cold and suddenly Donghyuck missed the warmth of Jeno’s touch like he’s never missed anything before in his life.
“What are you doing here?” Jeno’s smooth voice pulls him out of his thoughts as he spins around on his heels, facing Jeno again. Donghyuck blinks, his muscles tensing as he tries to make sense of why they were being so awkward.
Jeno gestures for Donghyuck to sit down, so that is what he does. He leaves enough space for Jeno to make himself comfortable as well and when they’re both seated, the silence turns into the heaviness Donghyuck was trying to escape.
“I was surprised to see you just show up at the library that one time.”
“You didn’t answer my texts.” Jeno says simply as if his words didn’t have millions of hidden messages inside them.
“I never answer texts. Never bothered you before.”
“It didn’t bother me because you still made an effort to see me back then. Things changed.” Jeno snaps, he didn’t mean to, which was obvious in how his eyes soften almost immediately.
“I’m busy. You know this.” Donghyuck sighs, guilt crawling up his neck threatening to suffocate him.
“Not busy enough for your other friends.” Jeno says, again harsher than he probably intended.
Donghyuck knows better than to talk when things were this fragile. “I didn’t come here to fight. If you want me to leave just say that. I’ll leave, Jeno. I’ll do anything you tell me to.”
Silence returns and Donghyuck is back to noticing how small Jeno looks, how his shoulders are slumped and his lips are chapped. How his leg keeps bouncing up and down and the way he’s doing everything to avoid looking into Donghyuck’s eyes.
“I want you to stay.” Jeno mumbles.
“Okay. I’ll stay.” Donghyuck tugs at Jeno’s fingers, finally making him look up and meet his eyes. Donghyuck couldn’t read minds and that is why he doesn’t notice the obvious question swimming in Jeno’s eyes. How long?
Donghyuck leans forward and connects their lips as they’ve done more times than they can count. Their bodies have molded into each other a long time ago so when they stumble into Jeno’s bed room it looks more like a waltz, a practiced dance to the rhythm of their hearts. They know how to do this. They know how to make each other feel good.
Donghyuck feels some of the tension in his body leave at the familiarity of it all. He was used to this. At least some things didn’t change. He knew what to expect when Jeno started to tug at his shirt. He remembers the feeling of Jeno’s hand gripping at his waist. It’s like the memories alone relax Donghyuck more than anything else could the past few months.
They crash into the sheets and get rid of all the barriers that have kept them apart for far too long. Donghyuck feels the sigh of relief that escapes Jeno’s lips as Donghyuck slings his arms around his neck to pull him down, down, down. He didn’t realize how much he missed the warmth that only Jeno could give him. He didn’t realize how cold his life has gotten.
Jeno mumbles something into Donghyuck’s neck that he can’t quite make out. He didn’t have time to figure it out because Jeno bites down at every inch of skin he can find and Donghyuck’s head goes blank.
When Jeno finally presses into him Donghyuck can’t help but arch his back. He doesn’t know how long it’s been, all the days blurring into one single moment from all the pleasure pouring through his body. Panting and whimpers and confessions, that would soon get soaked up by all the sheets surrounding them, fill the room and when Donghyuck blinks his eyes open again, he looks up at Jeno. Jeno who was looking back at him.
They make eye contact for a second and Donghyuck feels something heavy creep onto his heart again. He squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on all the points his body met Jeno’s, hoping the heaviness would leave again.
It doesn’t leave, not even when Donghyuck’s pleasure reaches its final point and his limbs go slack in the sea of blankets. Jeno rolls off of him, their heavy breathing filling the room. He lets his head fall to the side and watches Jeno’s chest fall and rise as he tries to even his breath again. Moonlight makes his sweaty skin shimmer and Donghyuck has to force himself to look away when his brain begins to swim with confusion again.
He blinks up at the ceiling instead and Donghyuck wonders why he feels like he just made a huge mistake.
🌪️
Donghyuck wakes up with the sun shining on his face. Jeno was still fast asleep beside him and it's like Donghyuck was on autopilot when he starts to gather his things and leave before Jeno even has the chance to say good morning.
When Donghyuck reaches his dorm room he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. This time he checks it.
It feels like I barely have you anymore.
Something cracks inside his chest and Donghyuck doesn’t realize he started to cry until he sees the teardrops land on his phone screen.
🌪️
The next time Donghyuck is around Jeno is when Jaemin decides to throw another party. He knows Jeno is here because Renjun had texted Donghyuck that he would bring him. Donghyuck felt a hint of irritation when he read the text, he didn’t get why Renjun was the one telling him that. He didn’t get why the text felt more like a warning than simple information.
Donghyuck hasn’t seen Jeno yet and he wasn’t sure if the relief he felt was from not having to deal with what happened when they last saw each other or from finally being able to stop thinking about exams and school work. Either way, he lets himself drink enough to feel the comfortable buzz in his head and sways to the bass of the music.
Donghyuck was in the middle of zoning out on a conversation he was having with Mark when he felt arms wrap themselves around his waist. He feels his shoulders tense before he smells a familiar scent. Jeno’s cologne brings the recognition his body needed to relax and lean back into Jeno’s hold.
Jeno rests his chin on Donghyuck's shoulder and mumbles out a quick greeting making the hint of alcohol in his breath hard to ignore. “You’re drunk.” Donghyuck notes. He tries to turn his head a little to get a glimpse of the state his boyfriend was in but Jeno wouldn't let him.
“No, I’m not.” Jeno says, his words way too slurred to make him believable.
“Liar.” Donghyuck snorts.
“You’re the liar.” Jeno mumbles against his neck and Donghyuck knows he means it. He goes still and suddenly feels more trapped than comforted in Jeno’s hold. Jeno nuzzles his head into the crook of Donghyuck's neck, his breath faint on his skin as he continues to whisper. “I hate when you lie.”
Donghyuck doesn’t dare to move. “Jeno-” He begins to say but he feels Jeno shake his head, his hair tickling the side of his face. “Don’t. You’ll lie again.”
It was getting harder to breathe by the second. Jeno unwraps his arms from his waist and he stumbles back a little, gone was the support of Jeno’s steady body. Before he could turn around to look at Jeno, he walks back to where he came from and all Donghyuck could do was watch after him and sort through the hurricane of thoughts he left behind.
He watches as Jeno sinks back into the couch next to Renjun, the latter eyeing him worriedly and whispering something into his ear to which Jeno just shrugs.
Donghyuck feels something tug at his heart though he wasn’t sure what. He already missed feeling Jeno’s body against his, he misses the safety that comes with the familiarity, the warmth that followed everywhere Jeno went. (He didn’t miss the heaviness that stayed after every interaction they had, the guilt and the sense of doing something bad.)
Yet he can’t bring himself to walk over to him and get those things back. Something was telling him that he lost that right. All Donghyuck allowed himself to do was blink and watch his boyfriend from across the room, the cup of alcohol he’s been nibbling on all night held tight in his grasp.
“You good?” Mark asks beside him, making Donghyuck flinch. He completely forgot he wasn’t alone here. Watching Jeno always pulled him into this weird state of purgatory. A surge of scary thoughts and confusing feelings taking over and leaving him paralyzed.
Donghyuck hums and leaves it at that. And because Mark was a quick learner he knows not to push it and bumps his shoulder as he turns to walk to catch up with his other friends.
It takes Donghyuck a few minutes to unfreeze and start turning away from where Jeno was seated. He tries to occupy himself enough to not keep watching him like a creep but no matter what he does he keeps glancing in Jeno’s direction, his eyes pulled towards him like a magnet.
That’s how he catches Jeno slip away from everyone else and stumble towards the back. Donghyuck starts following before he can tell himself that it was a bad idea.
He slides out of the door Jeno just walked out of and is met with the cold of the night,the small balcony looking over the backside of campus. He sniffles a little, his nose always getting runny when he drinks for some reason, and leans on the wall next to Jeno, careful as to not accidentally touch him. He feels like he shouldn't touch him right now.
Donghyuck wasn’t sure when he started to hate silence around Jeno so much when it used to be so comfortable but he can’t handle it any longer. “Jeno-”
The other doesn’t let him finish, his voice raw as he sputters out his thoughts. “Why won’t you just break up with me? You know I won’t do it so why can’t you just stop being a coward and do it.”
“Why-” Donghyuck swallows the lump in his throat, his mouth suddenly way too dry. “Why would I want that?”
“Hyuck. Please.” Jeno pleads, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “Things haven’t been the same and you know that. Just stop stringing me along. It's not fair. You’re hurting me.”
“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck says because that’s the best he could offer right now. He feels his throat close up and his chest getting heavy. He has so much more to say, explanations he knows he owes but can’t formulate and with that inability to speak came the frustration.
“Please.” Jeno repeats. They stay like this for a while. Neither of them are saying another word. He never felt like he had to fill silence with Jeno around but right now it was almost unbearable. He had to do something. Anything.
“I’m gonna head back.” Jeno mumbles, pointing towards the door to get back inside.
Donghyuck feels his heart pick up, panic suddenly clutching onto him. “Wait. Jeno, I-”
“It’s okay, Hyuck.”
“No, no, it’s not. Just let me- I just-” Donghyuck doesn’t know why breathing is getting so hard right now, why he felt this imminent sense of something being horribly wrong but he couldn't let Jeno leave. Because he knows, he knows.
“It’s okay.” Jeno says and with that he leaves.
Donghyuck doesn’t get the chance to stop him, grab his arm and pull him back. He wants to tell him that it’s not okay, none of this was but his heart hurt and he felt a headache creeping up on him and nothing was okay. A sob escapes his lips and he feels his anger get worse with every tear he shed because he shouldn't be the one crying. He did this to himself and he should've known he couldn’t cling onto memories any longer. It wasn’t fair to himself or to Jeno.
Donghyuck knows that Jeno was right. Things haven’t been the same but that didn’t make any of this easier. He loved Jeno, maybe not in the way he used to anymore but he loved him.
The ground looks inviting enough so he lets himself sink down on his knees as he continues to cry into his hands. He doesn’t notice Renjun’s presence until his friends scoops him into his arms and tells him that it was okay. Donghyuck wishes people would stop telling him that.
It wasn’t okay.
🌪️
The ending was never supposed to come, Donghyuck thinks. He now knows why Renjun told him that he was lying to himself because when Jeno texts him that he can come get his things next week he’s not surprised. He knew this was coming.
Donghyuck hasn’t left his bed since the party two days ago, Renjun brought him to his room and Donghyuck stopped existing for a moment.
Jeno’s text is what made him get up and take care of himself. He wasn’t being fair to Jeno by acting like he was the only one suffering right now. He showers and gets dressed and for the first time in months he texts Jeno first.
Can we have one last date?
His thumb shakes as he hits send. Donghyuck wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, he should've asked Renjun for his opinion. The last thing he wanted to do was accidentally hurt Jeno even more than he already did by pretending that everything was okay the last couple months.
His phone buzzes in his hand and Jeno’s Okay makes his heart slow down to a normal speed. He locks his phone and goes about his day as he normally would. He had practice in acting like things were normal now, he knew how to live in the past long enough to convince his brain that nothing has changed.
The date (Renjun got mad at him for calling it a date, he said Donghyuck should’ve made it clear it’s more of a means to get closure than a date. Donghyuck didn’t want to tell him that he still wanted to pretend for a little longer.) came sooner than Donghyuck was ready for.
Three days ago Jeno suggested that they go to the small field at the edge of the city where they’d usually go to stargaze, talking hours into the night with their hands interlocked between each other. Donghyuck felt his heart stutter at the memory and agreed.
Donghyuck still had time before he had to leave because he wouldn’t be picking up Jeno this time. They both thought it would be better if they met up there instead of taking this play pretend too far and going through all the steps of a real date.
Time wouldn’t go by fast enough though, so Donghyuck was left laying in his bed (careful so he wouldn’t mess his hair up again) and staring at the ceiling. His room was quiet, his roommate having left hours ago to go to class and Donghyuck was relieved to know the silence didn’t bother him as much anymore.
By the hundredth time Donghyuck checked his phone it was finally time for him to leave. He takes a deep breath and walks out of the door giving himself a pep talk all the way to the spot he’d be meeting Jeno at.
Donghyuck gets there faster than anticipated. He stands at the top of the small hill and pulls his jacket closer. It wasn’t cold. The peak of summer was getting closer but Donghyuck needed some kind of warmth to get himself through this. The warmth doesn’t come, not even as the sun continues to shine down on him, not even when Jeno appears in his line of vision, a small smile on his lips as he walks up the hill to get to Donghyuck.
“Hi.” They both mumble at the same time, making them chuckle. They sit down next to each other, Jeno leaning back on his hands and staring up at the sky.
“I hope we can see the stars tonight.” Jeno says.
Donghyuck doesn’t reply and just watches Jeno. He watches his eyelashes flutter over his cheeks as he blinks, he watches his shoulders rise and fall with every breath he takes, he watches the muscles in his arms tense as they hold up most of his weight.
And then Jeno rolls his head to the side and looks back at Donghyuck. “I never thought we’d end like this, you know.”
Donghyuck knows it makes no sense but it suddenly feels like the sun disappears just like that and they’re in the middle of the darkest night of the year. “I-"
“Don’t say anything.” Jeno smiles. Donghyuck can tell it’s fake. “Let’s just enjoy this last day together.”
“I’m not leaving, Jeno. We can still hang out.” Donghyuck says, a gnawing feeling inside of him at Jeno’s choice of words. He once again thinks that the ending wasn’t supposed to come. It’s not supposed to end, and maybe that was still just Donghyuck wanting to keep pretending.
Jeno lets out a breath of air, his shoulder slumping significantly before something seems to snap him out of it and he straightens his back again. “Okay.”
They sit like this for a few hours. Long enough for the sun to sink lower and cast them a comfortable light of yellow and orange hues. Donghyuck hasn’t dared to look at Jeno again and he also hasn’t felt Jeno’s eyes on him for a while. Looking at the sky was easier.
“I hope you know this isn’t your fault.” Donghyuck suddenly says.
“Shut up.” Jeno mumbles. “Just shut up, you don’t have to baby me.”
Jeno was acting strong, like none of this was getting to him. It reminds Donghyuck of all the times Jeno would simply smile just to break where no one could see him. He wishes Jeno would realize that it’s okay to feel, that it’s okay to be hurt by things and show the world that you’re not as strong as the world may think.
Donghyuck always knew that Jeno was pretending. The slight shake in his voice whenever he would tell Donghyuck that it was fine he couldn't make it to his apartment tonight because something came up at work. Jeno’s glistening eyes whenever he looked at Donghyuck after an especially tiring day and Donghyuck's teasing was too much to bear.
Jeno never voiced any of the hurt he felt and Donghyuck knew. And maybe if he had asked about it they wouldn't be here right now.
“You deserve better, Jen. You always have and I think that fact just finally caught up with us.”
“I hate when you say that. Do you really think that would make me feel better? That I deserve better? ” Jeno looks up from his hands then. “I don’t want better, I want you. And all I hear whenever you tell me that I deserve better is just the fact that I don’t deserve you.”
“ That’s not-” Donghyuck never gets to finish his thoughts because Jeno’s lips are on his and he melts into the familiarity.
“Please,” Jeno leans his forehead against Donghyuck's, their noses brushing against each other, their breath in sync. “Stop giving me reasons as to why we didn’t work out, none of that will make me stop loving you.”
“I love you, too.” Donghyuck says, his heart laid bare in the middle of this wide field, the warm summer air still clinging onto their skin even though the sun has set long ago.
“I wish that was enough.” Jeno whispers.
Donghyuck closes his eyes and locks the memory of today in the chambers of his mind, next to all their shared laughs and touches, whispers and sighs. Locked between everything that has made Donghyuck learn the art of pretending because he knew that letting go of those things would be the hardest thing he’d ever have to do.
The day ends. The night ends. The story of Jeno and Donghyuck ends.
And that was okay.