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Chan had never cared much for winter. The cold, dreary months had always been absolutely awful for his mental health.
Some years were worse than others. On more than one occasion, his friend and co-worker Felix had shown up on a drab January day with enough cleaning supplies to sterilize a military bunker, mumbling something about 'fixing Chan's depression lair'.
So far, the present winter had been... tolerable. Sure, he felt a little gloomy more often than not, but it was easily remedied with some kind of distraction, usually in the form of throwing himself into his work or a wine-drunk movie marathon with Felix.
Over the past couple of days, however, Chan felt himself slipping a bit more. It was nothing even remotely serious, he just felt a little more tired than usual.
Felix must've picked up on it and decided that what Chan needed was an outing to meet the younger's new boyfriend and one of his friends-which led to the present: Felix cajoling Chan over the phone to go ice skating that Saturday.
"C'mon, hyung," Felix pleaded over the call as Chan held his phone to his ear, the movie he was watching in the living room having been put on mute.
Chan was still only half paying attention, still engrossed with watching Thor descend upon the battlefield of Wakanda, Storm Breaker in hand, with Rocket and Groot on his heels. Chan had seen the movie enough times to know exactly what was happening, no audio needed.
"I don't know, Lixie," he hummed. "I haven't really been up for going out and doing anything."
"And that's exactly why you should come! You know it's not good for your mental health to be cooped up in your apartment, binge watching all the Marvel movies."
Chan balked. "Excuse you, I do more than just binge Marvel movies in here."
"Oh? What are you watching right now?"
"...Infinity War."
"I rest my case."
"How'd you know I was watching a movie? My TV is muted."
"I'm in your walls. Nah, I'm just kidding. I heard it when you first picked up, before you turned the volume off. Wait, shit, stop trying to distract me!"
Chan laughed. "Sorry, Lixie, you make it too easy. I'll tell you what, I'll accept your invitation if you take back what you said about my movie viewing habits."
"Or," Felix began negotiating, "you accept my invitation because you know I'm right, both about your movie preferences and your mental health." Felix's voice took on a softer tone. "I'm worried about you, hyung. You've been doing really well this year and I don't want to see you spiral. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I think it'll do you some good. Seungmin and Minho hyung are both really nice. I think you'll like them a lot."
Chan sighed. "I know, Lix. I know you're right. It would be good for me to get out of the house. I'm just...tired. All the time."
Felix hummed. "I get that. I don't know what it's like in your head, but I can only imagine how exhausting it can be sometimes. You don't have to do anything you're not feeling up to...but will you at least consider it?"
Chan took a moment to think. On one hand, Felix was absolutely right: living his life as a recluse was not even remotely healthy, especially not for someone who thrived off of human interaction as much as he did. A week earlier, he would have jumped at the chance of meeting new people.
On the other, Chan wasn't lying when he said he was exhausted. It didn't take much to wear him out during the winter, and he was worried that his mood would end up bringing down the entire atmosphere.
"...I don't want to be a drag, Lix," Chan sighed again.
"You're not a drag," Felix chided gently. "Winter is just a little tougher on you than the rest of the year. That's all. It's not your fault. If you decide you want to go, no one will be upset with you for needing to leave early if it comes down to it."
Chan went back over the pros and cons in his head before deciding that, really, what was the worst that could happen.
"...okay. I'm convinced. I'll join you guys."
"Really?" Felix exclaimed gleefully. "Thank you! It'll be fun, I promise! I'll text you all the details later on. I gotta go, but I'll see you soon! Bye hyung!"
Chan chuckled to himself as he bade his friend goodbye, unmuting the TV.
And as he watched Thanos snap half of the universe's population into oblivion, he realized he was more excited about Saturday than he had been for anything in a while.
Saturday came after another tedious week, bringing with it gusty winds and some rain. The weather was not at all unusual for the time of year-mid November-but Chan hated it regardless.
His bed was looking more and more inviting and he mentally weighed the pros and cons of canceling on Felix before deciding against it. He didn't want to make his friend sad, and he knew that a change of scenery would be good for his mental health, no matter how loudly his brain screamed at him to just stay in and browse YouTube for hours on end.
He quickly bundled up accordingly and brave the outdoors long enough to call a taxi before arriving at the indoor ice rink a couple minutes early.
Chan decided to sit on a bench by the rink and peruse social media for a bit, just until Felix and co arrived.
"Channie hyung!" Felix yelled, announcing his arrival. Chan stood up and waved to Felix with a grin as the freckled boy jogged over to hug him, 2 men trailing behind him at a far more reasonable speed.
"How ya goin'?" Chan asked when they separated, switching briefly to English. "Doing awesome, mate," Felix responded in the same tongue. "How've you been? Feels like you're never actually at the company building anymore." The question felt a lot more loaded than it sounded, and the slight concern in Felix's eyes told Chan that there was more being said than just a simple pleasantry.
Chan waved his hand in indifference. "I've been alright, same old. You know how it is. Anyway, I'd love to meet your boyfriend and your friend."
Felix must've seen the intent behind Chan's dismissal-a reluctance to share that his mental health had been faltering in front of perfect strangers-and changed the subject.
"Right! This is my boyfriend Seungmin," Felix began, gesturing to a tall, slender man with is bangs dyed purple, "and this is Minho hyung! He's one of the new dance instructors at the company."
Chan's first thought was something akin to a keyboard smash, followed by an oh, fuck.
Minho was gorgeous, with a sharp nose, cat eyes, and a jawline that could cut glass.
Chan had always had an appreciation for pretty boys, and Minho was, indeed, a very pretty boy.
"Pleasure to meet you, Minho-ssi," Chan began, holding out his hand for Minho to shake (and hoping no one has picked up on the slight crack in his voice).
Minho just smirked. "Nice to meet you," he returned, and Chan knew he was a goner.
Their day at the rink had been nice. Seungmin was very intelligent and witty, and Chan appreciated how attentive he was to Felix.
Minho spent more time skating by himself, showing off with leaps and turns that Chan couldn't fathom even trying. While he was a jock and would never deny being a jock, skating had always been out of his realm of expertise.
Minho made everything look so effortless. Felix had gently teased about Chan looking more like a newborn deer on the ice, to which Chan pointed out that neither he nor Seungmin seemed to be faring any better.
Eventually, the 4 of them all slowly lapped the rink side by side, Felix and Seungmin clutching each other for balance as Chan kept a hand on the wall to stay upright. Minho just idly skated beside them, hands in his pockets.
"Why is this so hard?" Chan huffed as he just barely managed to stop himself from falling flat on his ass. He childishly scolded himself for embarrassing himself in front of Felix's pretty friend.
"Need a hand, Chan-ssi?" Seungmin asked, holding out his free hand to him. Chan had half a mind to say yes.
"Ya, Kim Seungmin, you already have Yongbok clinging to you like a limpet," Minho interjected. "And you're barely staying upright. You're gonna fall if you try to support the weight of 2 people." It was the first time Minho had properly spoken outside of the odd comment thrown in during conversation, and Chan could have melted at how velvety his voice sounded.
"Let me," Minho continued. "I've been skating a lot longer than you have." Minho had gently wedged himself between Chan and Seungmin.
"Off you get," he said, patting Seungmin and Felix's asses before holding a hand out to Chan. Felix let himself be guided away by Seungmin, but not before staring pointedly at Chan and waggling his eyebrows.
"Ah, thanks," Chan said, taking Minho's hand and letting himself be righted. "I promise I'm not normally this..."
"Inexperienced?" Minho asked his a slight quirk to his lips. Chan laughed. "I was going to say 'incompetent'."
"We all start somewhere," Minho mused as he linked his arm through Chan's for stability. "Being inexperienced doesn't make you incompetent. Don't point your feet straight forward, go out at a bit of an angle. The movement is similar to roller skating."
"And I'm shit at roller skating," Chan groaned. Minho laughed brightly. "Well, you haven't busted your tailbone yet, so I'd reckon you're not doing too badly. Here, point your toe outward just a bit more-there! Perfect. Now slide your front foot forward at the same angle and lift your back one off the ice. I've got you, I won't let you fall."
Under Minho's guidance, Chan managed to start propelling himself forward without the aid of the wall.
"You're a quick study," Minho observed as Chan grew more confident in what he was doing.
"I have a good teacher," Chan beamed.
"So, how do you know Felix?" Minho changed the subject, ears reddening at Chan's praise.
"Oh, he's friends with one of the guys I produce with-Jisung-and he introduced us. He figured we'd be the best of friends after we found out we were both Australian, and, well, he was right. He's been my Aussie bro since."
Chan looked to the side to see Felix and Seungmin still slipping and wobbling, laughing brightly at each other.
It was during his moment of distraction that he lost his footing and went tumbling to the ground, dragging Minho with him.
And because life imitates art-art being the cheesy Hallmark movies his sister Hannah often made him watch as kids-Minho landed on Chan's chest, their legs tangled together and both feeling a little winded from the impact.
"Shit, are you okay?" Chan immediately asked Minho, not caring remotely about the slight ache in his tailbone from where he'd taken the brunt of the fall.
"I'm alright, I've fallen a lot harder than that before." Minho lifted his head and frowned slightly as he pressed his hand down on where is was planted on Chan's chest. "Do you work out?"
The sound Chan let out could only be described as that of a deflating balloon.
Minho gave him no time to respond, quickly scrambling back to his feet and holding a hand out to Chan to help him back up.
"I thought you weren't going to let me fall," Chan quipped with a playful grin once he was upright.
Minho just giggled.
According to Felix, it took Minho a while to warm up to people. He wasn't mean or cold, but he was rather cautious in opening up.
But apparently Chan had blown all of that out of the water with how quickly they'd grown close. The older began working in the office more frequently and paid visits to the dance studio on his breaks.
Felix had pouted initially, lamenting the injustice of 'hyung never visiting the studio before' but he let that drop once he saw the friendship between Chan and Minho.
They would bicker playfully and send memes to each other at the most ungodly hours of the night. Minho often paid visits to Chan's apartment to watch movies or be given previews of Chan's newest brainchild.
But despite their newfound closeness, Chan kept a lot of things close to his vest. When his depression had him in a chokehold and Chan had to cancel plans, he would feign physical illness. He would leave some of Minho's texts unanswered for a couple days at a time, followed by profuse apologies and excuses of being busy.
Chan knew there was no weakness in struggling, but he still felt that he would be disappointing Minho. He liked to put his best face forwards at all times, to look like he had everything under control, but to let anyone besides Felix see just how tenuous his grip on his mental health was was intimidating.
Minho was an endless well of patience in spite of everything. He gave Chan the time and space to respond on his terms, which he appreciated.
But as November bled into December, Chan only declined more. He stopped going in to the company and would often half-ass his way through working at home just to be able to crawl back into bed later.
His work was good by company standards, but it was nowhere near his best work and he would feel more ashamed if he had the energy to feel anything beyond ambivalence.
Chan was trying his best, he really was, but everything just felt like it was too much.
He was painfully homesick, the days were gloomy and overcast, and he felt like Sisyphus reaching the peak of a mountain, only for his boulder to roll downhill again. His apartment was a mess, and he knew he was rapidly heading down the spiral of his mental health declining even further because his home was so messy, but having no energy to clean due to is mental health being so poor.
After a week of leaving Minho on read, he was only mildly surprised when the younger called him out of the blue.
"Yah, Bang Chan," Minho scolded the second Chan answered, dropping all honorifics entirely. "I sent you a picture of Dori a week ago and you've left me on read."
"Is this seriously a 'I showed you my cat, please respond' call?" Chan quipped, trying to lighten the mood.
"I'm also calling to warn you that Yongbokkie gave me your address and I'll be by in around 10 minutes," Minho added.
Chan paled. "Wait-that's really not a good idea," he began, frantically looking around at his filthy apartment.
Minho hummed. "I've been worried since you're not one to ignore pictures of my children. I want to make sure you're not being held captive by body snatchers." The statement was so ridiculous, so incredibly like Minho, that Chan barked out a laugh.
"I'm fine. I promise. You don't need to come over."
"Well, I just got off the subway so it looks like you're out of luck, hyung."
Chan sighed. "My apartment is a mess, Minho."
The younger scoffed. "I'm coming to see you, not your apartment. I'll be there soon, I'm bringing bibimbap." Minho hung up right after, and Chan was equal parts bewildered and endeared.
Minho was almost abrasively non-judgemental. While Felix had been gentle and kind, assuring Chan that having a messy living space was okay and didn't make him any less of a person, and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. Minho, on the other hand, steamrolled directly over the matter.
When Chan had let Minho in and apologized for the mess, the younger had just shrugged. "It's not that bad. You should see mine."
They'd then sat down at the lightly cluttered coffee table and dug into the bibimbap while making idle small talk.
"So," Minho began after a brief lull in the conversation. "How have you been?"
Chan shrugged. "I've been alright. Same old, I guess."
Minho raises an eyebrow. "Hyung," he began gently, "I'm not just here to catch up. We may not have known each other for very long, but you don't have to put up a front or anything. You can always tell me if something's up, and I know I'm not the only person you have to talk to. Yongbokkie has been pretty worried about you."
The so have I went unspoken. Minho didn't need to say anything further; Chan could see it on his face.
"...winter is difficult," Chan began with trepidation. "Just a shitty time of year overall for my mental health."
Minho nodded. "I get that. You're not alone though. I can empathize. I've been through enough winters to know the signs, that's why I'm here now."
Chan let his shoulders slump in relief. He never thought Minho would judge him, necessarily, but it was a nice change of pace to have someone in his corner who understood-at least, to some degree-why the colder months were a little more challenging to navigate.
"I'll tell you what," Minho continued around a mouthful of rice, "once a week, we should set aside a day where we check in with each other. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. We can just chill in one of our apartments. We can check in with each other and I think the company would do us both some good."
Chan had never heard a better idea.
"Thank you, Minho."
"Don't mention it."
After a couple weeks of what Chan had affectionately named "mandatory Minho time", he realized there was a slight issue.
Minho was witty, smart, funny, kind, and otherworldly beautiful. In short: he checked every box on the 'Chan's Ideal Type' list.
All of the time spent with Minho had Chan falling hard and fast, and he was certainly not subtle about it either.
Felix picked up on it almost frighteningly fast and very gently teased Chan about his newfound crush, which he only half-heartedly tried to deny.
And maybe, had it been a different season, Chan would've made a move. But as it stood, he was convinced of 2 things:
Firstly, that there was no way Minho could ever reciprocate.
Secondly, that even if Minho did feel the same, Chan absolutely did not deserve him.
Felix and Seungmin spent far too much time assuring Chan otherwise. Apparently, Chan was one of Minho's favorite topic of conversations, second only to his beloved cats.
"I'm serious, hyung," Felix pouted one day over cups of Americano in their favorite coffee shop. "Minho hyung, tsundere extraordinaire, gets the softest look on his face when you come up in conversation. He giggled the other day after I told him the story of when Hyunjin and I took you to a haunted house. It wasn't his mischievous little gremlin giggle either, it was a schoolyard crush kind of giggle."
Seungmin shuddered. "I was there. It was disgusting."
"Ignore him, it was cute."
Chan sighed. "Maybe he just laughed differently than usual."
"He said Berry was the only valid dog in existence. I'm pretty sure one of the pictures you sent him of her was his wallpaper," Felix interjected.
"And? Berry's cute. I think he just plays up the 'crazy cat dad' thing he has going on."
"Chan hyung, he waxed poetic about the shape of your lips the other day," Seungmin groaned.
The older opened his mouth to protest before closing it and opening it again.
"Stop doing that with your face, you look like a guppy," Felix teased, placing 2 fingers under his chin to close his mouth. "Minho hyung cares about you a lot. Sure, you may not have known each other for super long and it might seem hard to believe, but I can see it. You like each other, so why not do something about it?" he asked, drawing his hand back.
Chan looked down at his lap. "You see what I get like," he said softly. "All...gloomy. Just because this year hasn't been too bad doesn't mean it won't get bad again. He has enough to worry about without me adding to the mix."
There was a beat of silence before Seungmin cleared his throat. "Respectfully, hyung, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"Seungmin!" Felix chided, smacking his arm repeatedly. "Be nice!"
Seungmin grabbed his boyfriend's wrist to stop the onslaught. "Hold on, let me explain. Hyung, we all have things to worry about. Felix and I both have our own worries outside of our relationship, yet we still worry about each other and it isn't a burden to do so. Part of a relationship-romantic, platonic, whatever-includes worrying about each other."
Felix twisted his wrist so his fingers were laced with Seungmin's. "You could've been nicer, Minnie. But he's right, you're not too much for him like you think you are. You deserve happiness."
The conversation ended a few minutes later and they parted ways, remembering that snow was in the forecast and none of them having any desire to be stuck in a snowstorm.
Chan spent the duration of the cab ride home deep in thought. Felix and Seungmin were right in that he deserved happiness and on a meta level he did agree. However, his insecurities and doubts were especially loud in his mind and it was all too easy to convince himself otherwise.
But there was still a sliver of hope that Minho felt the same, that the feelings were there despite how little time had passed since they met.
It was enough to make him want to take a leap of faith and hope nothing blew up in his face.
Chan hated winter, yet loved Christmas. It was, in his mind, a reprieve of sorts from his malaise. He found it impossible to feel down when it was such a festive day.
He had initially been a little down, as he wouldn't be able to take his usually annual holiday trip back home, but he saw it now as an opportunity.
Christmas day rolled around, and Minho was due to arrive at any moment.
After checking with the younger and inquiring about any holiday plans, to which Minho said he had none, Chan decided to invite him over for a celebration of their own.
Felix's words from before hadn't left his mind once since the coffee shop, and it made him nervous. He'd never been a big fan of the idea of fast romances before and the last thing on his mind was a relationship to begin with.
But despite his misgivings...maybe Felix was right. Being with Minho felt comfortable and safe. It didn't matter to Chan how little time they'd known each other, for everything felt right when he was with Minho.
And Chan figured, worst case scenario, that Minho was the type to let people down gently and there would be no harm, no foul.
A gentle knock on the door immediately caught his attention and he rushed to the front door to greet Minho.
The younger smiled warmly at Chan, gift-wrapped box in one hand and a bottle of Moscato in the other, clad in a sweater with his cat's faces on them-something he undoubtedly shelled out a pretty penny to have custom made.
"Come in!" Chan gestured for Minho to step inside. "I'm glad you were able to make it. I hope the metro ride wasn't bad."
Minho toed his shoes off as Chan closed the door behind him. "Nah, it wasn't bad at all."
Chan took the bottle of wine and ducked into the kitchen to open it. "I'm glad, I was worried it would be crowded from everyone trying to get around to see their families. I hope pizza is okay, I didn't have time to get anything fancier for dinner. I just put it in the oven right before you got here, so it should be done in 20 minutes."
He peeked over the counter to where Minho had made himself comfortable on the couch. "That's fine by me, any food I don't have to put any effort into making is my favorite," the younger called back.
Chan snickered as he carried the newly uncorked bottle and 2 stemless wine glasses to the living room. "Duly noted."
The pair sat in companionable silence until Minho decided to start idly scrolling through Netflix. "I don't know about you," he began, "but I have the weirdest love-hate relationship with Christmas movies."
Chan shrugged. "I'm indifferent to most of them. Some are kind of nostalgic to me."
Minho took a healthy sip from his glass. "The only Christmas movie I can confidently say I love is 'Die Hard'."
The older frowned slightly. "I don't think that counts. It's an action movie that just happens to take place during Christmas."
Minho shook his head vigorously. "Nope, I don't consider it Christmas until Hans Gruber has plummeted to his death from Nakatomi tower."
"Well, given that it is my Netflix account you're mooching off of," Chan teased, snatching the remote back, "I have the veto powers. Your unspoken request for 'Die Hard' has been denied."
Minho pouted petulantly but couldn't keep the charade up for long, immediately breaking into a grin. "Whatever you say, good man."
They'd settled on 'National Treasure' at Minho's insistence, and before long, they were engrossed in the movie and slices of pizza.
Before long, Chan found himself slowly inching closer to Minho until they were elbow to elbow. Minho turned his head to smile at Chan before leaning on his shoulder.
Chan lifted his arm to wrap around Minho, willing his heart to stop its incessant pounding.
The younger tucked his legs underneath him and pressed further into Chan, nuzzling into his neck.
"You're warm," he hummed against Chan's skin.
"And you smell really nice." Chan could have kicked himself for being so awkward, had it not been for the sound of Minho's giggle.
The rest of the movie passed in silence with them curled up into each other, no words needing to be exchanged.
Chan loved how he could feel Minho's laughter in his chest, how the younger began absentmindedly playing with his fingers.
"Well, now that the movie is over, you want to open your gift?" Minho asked in a soft voice once the credits began rolling.
"Sure, but I feel bad. I didn't have the time to get you anything," Chan said quietly. Minho shrugged. "That's okay, just getting to see you is more than enough."
Chan felt his stomach turning somersaults.
Minho gently untangled himself from Chan's hold before ducking into the kitchen to retrieve the gift he'd brought with him.
"I hope you like it," Minho began nervously as he handed the box to Chan and took his seat back on the couch.
Chan just smiled reassuringly before opening the box to reveal a pair of very high quality noise cancelling headphones.
"I-Minho, I don't know what to say. Thank you so much."
Minho shyly scratched the back of his head. "I remember you mentioned that your headphones for work sucked but you couldn't afford the kind you wanted and, well, Jisung helped me pick them out."
Chan set the box on the coffee table before throwing his arms around the younger. "This is the best gift ever, thank you. Seriously. I love it. I feel like I need to get on Amazon or something right now and have you pick out your gift."
Minho hugged him back. "Well, there's one thing I had in mind, and it's free."
Chan drew back slightly, brows scrunched in confusion.
"Kiss me."
Chan could feel his eyes widen almost comically, but that didn't seem to stop Minho.
Minho gently pushed a stray curl from Chan's forehead. "I like you, hyung. I know we haven't known each other for a very long time, but I know enough to know that I really like being with you. You're funny, kind, smart, and an incredibly hard worker. You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with, but if I'm right in thinking you feel the same...well, I'd really, really like for you to kiss me."
Chan let his hands rest in the dip of Minho's waist. "I want to. I like you, too. I just... I don't know if I'm enough for you. You figured it out quick what I'm like during the winter, and I just...I want better for you."
Minho reached up to cradle his jaw. "Well, it's a good thing I have the final say in who is enough for me. You are more than enough. I don't care if you're not a perfect ray of sunshine every part of the year. You're you, with all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it, and when I say I want all of it, I mean it."
He leaned forward to press their foreheads together. "There's no pressure. If you want to wait, I can wait. If you decide we're better off as friends, then I completely respect that. But if I'm reading this right...well, hyung, you deserve to let yourself be cared for. If you'll have me, I'm happy to do that."
Chan tightening his grip on Minho. "Really?"
"Really, really."
"...okay."
Maybe, Chan thought as he leaned forward to connect their lips, winter isn't all bad after all.