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Maybe it was pathetic of HiMERU to run off after begging everyone around him to not leave but here he is, crying in his dorm room after pushing everyone away in fear of what they may find out while he's in this pathetic state. He's not sure what he's crying about anymore: if it's Kaname's death, the unraveling of his persona, or the sickeningly sweet warmth he found when the rest of Crazy:B held him close. He begged them to not let go and they listened, yet he pushed them away regardless. Perhaps he's becoming more like Kaname than he thought.
Buried under his blankets like a child during a thunderstorm and only able to hear his own sobs, he fails to hear anyone enter his shared living space until a soft hand is resting on his head. "Hey," Arashi's gentle voice whispers from above. "You don't know how weird it was to have Rinne of all people get on his knees and ask me to check on you."
A weird mixture of a laugh and cough comes out of HiMERU's throat at the idea of Rinne being humble enough to beg. He could see him begging for other reasons but not for this. Arashi keeps her hand on him, a gentle and firm contact that he could focus on. She continues, "You don't have to tell me anything, but at least let me know if you want them or for me to get you anything. Sometimes you just have to cry your emotions out."
Part of HiMERU wants to retort that all he's done the past few weeks was cry himself to sleep, but it didn't feel right to voice it. He nods, trying a little harder now that he has an audience to steady his breathing and get his shoulders to stop shaking. It doesn't really work, but Arashi doesn't comment on it. She asked him if he wanted anything, and it should've been the simple question it was meant to be but to HiMERU it only makes him spiral further.
What does he want?
He wants Kaname to be alive, he wants to throw away this cracking mask he was never meant to wear, he wants to remember the taste of honey on his lips, he wants to live but living is such a foreign concept now that HiMERU's at a loss for what to do.
"HiMERU, no, he—" HiMERU stutters, unable to figure out how he's supposed to refer to himself. Does he cling to his already damaged persona? Does he finally give in and refer to himself?
"I'm sorry, Kaname, I'm so sorry. HiMERU's a broken dream I can't cling to anymore. Forgive me."
"I need Crazy:B, Narukami. Please. " He forces himself to say through choked sobs. He can't see her face, but her hand is gone and he hears faint whispers of "Hi, Shiina? He's asking for you guys." Her voice fades out for a moment as HiMERU returns to his own suffering. Each tear that falls down his face and every word that comes out his mouth further destroys Kaname's dream. HiMERU is in shambles, shattered and full of inconsistencies that can no longer be explained away with NDAs and occasional gaslighting.
What will be left of him once this persona is buried?
"They're on their way. Do you want me to stay with you?" Arashi asks, bringing him back to the present. He shakes his head, hoping it's visible because words are failing him right now. She makes a small affirmative noise and walks away, the sound of her footsteps getting further away until he hears the gentle clink of the door closing. Alone again. This is how it should've been from the start. He wouldn't be in this mess if he had just kept his distance.
HiMERU was a pipe dream. No one could ever be perfect enough to fulfill that role.
Lightly tugging his hair to avoid spiraling again, HiMERU hears the door open this time. He's thankfully stopped crying as hard, now only reduced to sniffling and the occasional shaky breath. He hears Arashi's voice again, a muffled "He kinda scared me, ya know? Nothing at all like the HiMERU I know." At least that's something they could both agree on.
The bed dips as he feels someone sit next to him. The comforting hand on his head again tells him it's Niki even before he speaks. "Hey," he whispers, his voice just as gentle as it was when he tried calming HiMERU down earlier. "Do you want to talk or do you just want comfort?"
Everyone keeps asking what he wants, but how does he reply when he doesn't even know? He knows what HiMERU would want, but if HiMERU was real he wouldn't even be in this situation to begin with. He shakes his head instead, the motion causing the blanket to fall to the side and expose one eye to the rest of the world.
Kohaku's kneeling next to the bed, his eyes wide in fear and playing with his hands as he watches HiMERU expectedly. He's never seen the poor kid look so scared. Rinne is right behind him, eyes downcast as he looks at him. "'M sorry." Rinne mutters. "I didn't mean to push ya like that."
HiMERU parts his lips, not sure what to say. He could deal with many of Rinne's sides; his pushy one, his loud and obnoxious one, even the drunk infatuated side that could never stop talking about Niki. Not this one though, not this version of Rinne that looks and acts like a kid in trouble. As a matter of fact HiMERU can't deal with any of them acting like this. Not when Kohaku drops his mature act and loses his composure, not when Niki becomes an extremely doting person that's clearly gone through this song and dance before.
Sitting up abruptly and catching Niki off guard, HiMERU rewraps himself in the blanket so his mouth is covered. "HiMERU is…" he pauses, unsure how to even begin explaining anything about himself. Niki shifts to the side so he has room, his hand now on HiMERU's knee which has been brought up to his chest.
"Don't push yourself." Niki gently says, taking note of how hoarse HiMERU's voice sounds. "I can go make some tea if you want?"
Again with the want, but HiMERU finds himself craving something to drink. Niki waits patiently for an answer, giving HiMERU the time to somewhat put himself together. He could nod and that would be a good enough answer, but HiMERU finds himself wanting to give an actual answer. A real answer.
"Tea would be good." he manages to get out. "Tea and… and honey."
Kohaku is the only one that raises an eyebrow. As the only one who's in the sweets circle with HiMERU, it made sense he'd be confused because he knows HiMERU doesn't like honey. If Niki thought the same, it didn't show on his face as he smiles and gets up. "I can do that. Give me a few minutes, ok?" He nods at Rinne before leaving and HiMERU almost immediately misses the warmth.
Kohaku takes Niki's place on the bed, keeping his hands to himself. He nervously looks back and forth at HiMERU, Rinne, and his hands. Rinne ever so slightly inches closer, a weird kind of solidarity considering how much he tends to fill up silence with noise. HiMERU is grateful for the quiet.
It isn't long until Niki returns holding a cup in his hands. HiMERU holds it carefully, taking in the slight smell of honey. For a moment, HiMERU wonders if he still enjoys the taste of honey. He wonders if the persona has such a hold on him that his mind has been rewired to reject it. If that happens and he ends up throwing it back up, HiMERU isn't sure what he'd do.
Hesitantly, he brings the cup to his lips and takes the tiniest sip he can manage. He lets it go down his throat, feels it go at an agonizingly slow pace, and almost tears up again because it still tastes the same way he remembered it. He's surprised he can even remember such a thing. He takes another sip, a faint smile on his lips because at least he has this. This is one of the few things the persona won't ever be able to take away from him. A tiny part of him is still alive after all.
"Thank you." he mutters when he quickly finishes the whole thing. It's Rinne who grabs the cup from his hands and puts it on the nightstand. Suddenly, everyone is on his bed. Rinne walks around to sit on the other side of HiMERU, Niki's back in his original spot, and Kohaku is right next to him.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Rinne asks. For a terrifying, brief moment, HiMERU does . He wants to scream. He wants to cry. He wants everything and nothing all at once. He wants . He nods, taking a shaky breath. It's now or never; he knows he'll never get this kind of courage again.
"Someone I know has been in the hospital for a long time now." HiMERU starts. The use of I feels foreign on his lips but he continues. "His condition had been worsening recently and he died the night before we had practice. He never opened his eyes since he was admitted… I miss him."
It's that tiny confession that breaks HiMERU again. Rinne throws an arm around him as Kohaku nods solemnly. "Family?" he asks.
"Half brother, really. And it's so stupid because I barely knew him before this but I never felt more connected to someone. That was one of the few family members I still had left and he's gone." HiMERU cries, abandoning his shame and leaning into Rinne.
Niki motions for Rinne and HiMERU to move over so he could sit on the other side. He also puts a hand around him. "Losing family can be rough, HiMERU. You shouldn't have to go through that alone."
As weird as first person is to HiMERU, the persona name is weirder. With Kaname gone, the name seems to have died with it. There is no HiMERU without Kaname. It's never been his name to use. "Tojou," he manages to say as his vocal cords begin to lose their usability. "Don't call me— it's Tojou."
Even his family name makes him want to throw up. He ingrained it into his mind— no one could ever refer to him by any part of his name. But that's not what he wants. It's Kohaku who uses his family name first, throwing himself into their hug and whispering "Tojou-han" so quietly Tojou wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't so close. It feels so right hearing it. This is the feeling he's been chasing since he took the persona. This sense of trust and love. He's found it. Despite losing everything he's found something from the rubble.
"Thank you." He whispers back, and he isn't sure what he's thanking them for exactly but he thanks them anyway, a mantra for their ears only. It takes a while for Tojou to settle down again, and he doesn't even want to think of how long he's been in bed crying. However, crying is a very nice form of stress relief and he does feel lighter afterwards. While Rinne and Niki have loosened their grip on him, Kohaku stubbornly clings to his blanketed form.
"Better?" Niki asks. Tojou nods as best as he can and Kohaku moves his head away. There's a whirlwind of emotions and questions in everyone's eyes, but they all knew better than to ask now after he's just calmed down for the umpteenth time. Instead, Tojou ends up blurting out his own question he's had since practice.
"How are you two so good at this?"
The question makes Rinne and Niki chuckle. "We've been around each other long enough to know what to do." is Rinne's answer to that, followed by Niki's "Rinne's got a soft spot that few people know about." Tojou never really doubted that. He nods, satisfied. With mostly everything out in the open, he isn't sure what to do next. Multiple doors have opened and he's still naively clinging to a locked one.
His next course of action is made for him as Rinne manages to yank everyone down onto his bed. They quickly become an entangled mess of limbs, legs entwined and hands hitting faces. "Crying takes a lot outta ya!" Rinne exclaims as he shoves Niki's ponytail out of his face. "You know what we all need now? Cuddles!"
"I'm not sure that's how it works…" Kohaku mutters but he makes himself comfortable on top of Tojou's chest anyway. With Rinne on one side, Niki on the other, and Kohaku right on top, Tojou is squished with no way to move. It isn't as stifling as one would think. And Rinne is right; once his body adjusts after the amount of tears shed, Tojou finds himself exhausted and struggling to keep his eyes open. A nap would be fine. A nap would be great.
Yawning, Tojou mutters something incomprehensible before allowing his eyes to close. Someone's hand finds its way into his hair and he can feel Kohaku's chest rise up and down with his. It's grounding, something he definitely needs. He pushed them all away and yet they still came for him. If Tojou could stay awake for longer than a few seconds he'd ponder on that more, think about his crazy unit mates and their ways of comfort.
For now Tojou dreams, a weight lifted off his shoulders. He's been found.