Work Text:
He's lonely.
It's Christmas Eve, and he's lonely.
Gon's not here.
Killua huffs a breath, blowing white frizz out of his lonely eyes, he rolls to his ride pulling the blanket over his small form. "It's fucking cold." Damn his apartment sucks, Gon's is super warm....he wants to be there, with him.
Maybe even in his arms. Killua blushes at his own thoughts, and turns around to lay on his other side. Hopefully Gon will buy him blankets, he doesn't have much, and it's always cold. Maybe even some super soft, fluffy pillows, ah that's be nice. Killua grins, now even more aware of his old, hardened pillow.
What if he didn't get him anything at all? And he looks like an idiot when he gives Gon all his gifts. He scrunches his face, no that won't happen, Gon is sweet, too sweet. So sweet he's scared Gon might get hurt by the world, he'd probably buy him the whole store if he could.
Wait...what if he didn't get Gon enough stuff? Fuck, Killua grips his untamed hair, he's gonna hate me. He's going to break up with me and find someone better, someone who treats him how he should be treated. Shit, what is he doing laying here like an idiot, go to the store. Go to the fucking store.
Shit, calm down. "Calm down," he tells himself.
Gon is kind.
Gon is sweet.
Gon is the sun itself.
Chill out, he's not going to hate you just because you don't get him enough stuff. Besides you got him like, what? Ten things, something like that.
Well what if he doesn't like the wrapping paper? What if I wrapped it all wrong?
"Oh my god, you are so stupid." Killua smacks his cheek, sitting upright.
Killua lazily gazes around his boring ass apartment, looking for something to distract his mind, before sighing and plopping back down. Gon should get him some new games for his PlayStation, that'd be nice, then he'd have something to distract his overthinking.
Being around Gon helps that sometimes, on the really bad days he always seems to notice and soothe his worries. Having the family he has is probably the reason he's so fucked up. Honestly why does Gon even bother with me? I really don't get it.
Gon shouldn't have a boyfriend that sometimes can't even have a conversation with him, because he's too busy over thinking in his head to give an answer. Or not even being able to meet his boyfriends parents because he's to scared.
Oh what about the fact that his boyfriend literally cuts himself to feel better, he doesn't deserve to have to walk beside someone who's body is mangled by his own hands. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Killua's small fists grip his bedding, he glances over to his drawer beside his bed, they're not even in there anymore. Gon held his hand, crying it threw with him as he threw them all into the lake. Besides, he doesn't need anymore scars….and he can't worry Gon.
Killua mulls his thoughts over before a idea sparks in his head, his eyes widen a bit at the realization.
There's knifes in his kitchen.
Laying in one of his kitchen draws are knifes.
Fuck, no please? Just stop.
Killua's hand finds it's way into his hair again, although this time roughly pulling his white locks. His other arm grips his wrist, and he can feel the scarred skin there. Laced with white lines, some are diagonal across his arm, some are straight, others are even curves like moon crescents.
His breathing picks up slightly, curling in on himself. Think about the presents, go back to thinking about the presents, picture how Gon's eyes will light up when he opens his gifts. How he'll jump up and hug him, maybe even lifting him off the ground and twirl him around. He won't let go of him till he calls him an idiot, and tells him to open the rest of his stuff.
He breathes in and out slowly.
It'd be amazing to hear his voice right now. Killua rolls onto his back, gazing at the celling. He should have his phone on him...but It would be rude to call when he's working.
Right?
"Remember Killua, you can always call or text me. I don't care if it's three in the morning, if you need me I'm just a call or text away."
"Just a call away," Killua repeats the memory in his head. "He's just a call away." His hand wonder it's way under his pillow, pulling out his phone.
"I'm just a call or text away." Gon grins at him, his eyes dance with gold in them, like the sun buried itself in them. He lets Killua's hand fall to his lap, and leaves him with an expression of bewilderment rested on his soft features.
That's when Killua knew he'd let his guard down, he let himself fall for the golden boy.
Killua sits back upright because of his nerves, he fiddles with the phone in his hands, running the pads of his fingers along his case. "Just call him, he'll be happy to hear your voice too, he's dating you after all."
Before be knows it, his phone is turned on and his finger is hovering over the call button. Did he do that?
A sudden ringing fills the silence, surprising himself and jumping slightly.
Ah shit, what am I doing? He's gonna hate me, I'm not suppose to call him when he's working everyone knows that. But who works the day before Christmas anyways?
After three rings and a million thoughts piling in his head every second, the ringing stops.
"Hello," a drained voice speaks, Killua gulps.
Say something.
"Killua?"
"Uh." Killua mentally smacks himself, great like that's actually a word. He feels his palms get sweaty, suddenly he's scared he might drop the phone.
He sighs "I know... I'm sorry, I didn't expect to work this late, I promise I'll be there as soon as I can though." He sounds nervous, Killua can picture him scratching the back of his head, a nervous habit he's picked up from Mito.
A pause, "Killua?"
His throat feels tight, "Gon." A sob penetrates through his words, he's sounds pathetic. Like a loser, a crybaby.
"Killua? Hey, hey... what's wrong?" Killua bites his bottom lip, trying to rein in his sobs.
"I-I don't know, I just." Another sob, "I feel unsafe." Killua replies, but it sound more of a question towards himself. "...Gon I'm scared, I-I'm having the thoughts again."
Killua puts his elbow on his knee, resting his forehead on his hand while slightly griping his hair. Tears trek damp paths down his pale face, "but I don't, I don't w-want to Gon, I'm scared," he cries silently. Sobs rack his body, growing up in a house where he was never allowed to cry, has made him learn how to be silent.
"It's okay, I'll make it okay Killua, I'm so proud of you for telling me, okay? I'm so, so proud. I'm leaving right now, stay on call with me I'll be there eight minutes tops."
"O-okay," he breaths deeply, "okay" He sniffles, wiping under his nose.
——————————————
"I'm heading up the elevator, almost there angle." Killua forces himself out of bed, suddenly he feels very drained, he walks to his door, his feet pad against his floor filling the suffocating silence of his apartment.
He pauses at his door, hand resting on his door knob, suddenly loud footsteps can be heard running down the halls. Getting closer and closer, louder and louder. Killua opens his door, peaking his head out slightly, small strands of white hair fall into his eyes.
His blue wispy orbs peer out into the hallway, loud footsteps come to a halt as he locks eyes with familiar cameral eyes. "Killua." Gon breaths his name out, seemingly out of breath.
Killua's breath catches, he throws open his door, practically burying himself in the golden boys embrace as they meet each other in the middle of the hall. Gon wraps his arms around his lean waist, suffocating himself in Killua's white hair. He softly peaks the top of his white head, "I've missed you."
Killua breaths out a sigh "I’ve missed you too." He's pretty sure Gon ran straight here instead of taking a cab, to avoid the cold weather, if his heavy breathing and cold body is anything to go by. Killua pulls back slightly, observing Gon's face. His face is spotty with red blotches from the harsh winds. "Don't tell me you ran here."
Gon removes his arm, scratching the back of his head in an all so familiar way "well, yeah sorta." He sniffles.
Killua gives him a pointed look, "you're going to be all sick now."
He gives Killua a little smile "that's alright, as long as you're okay."
Killua blushes and grabs Gon's hand, looking down at their intertwined hands, "my apartments not very warm either."
"We can go to mine if you want?" A small grin forms on Killua's face. See? Too kind.
He looks back to Gon's eyes, "that'd be nice."
Gon returns his smile, glancing down at Killua's clothes, "let's get you in some warmer clothes first."
Killua look down at himself, blushing. He's wearing a T-shirt Gon had left, his shoulders are broader than his so it hangs down his shoulder slightly. It's paired with old black sweats pants, he use to wear around the Zoldyck mansion a lot. "Oh y-yeah."
Killua pulls Gon into his apartment by his hand, he happily follows. "Is your heat even on?" Gon wraps his arms around himself shivering slightly.
"I mean it should be, I paid the bills and everything, but the manager is an homophobic asshole so, pretty sure he hates me." Killua rummages through his closet throwing out a couple of scarfs Alluka had got him, and some jackets.
"Hmm... you should just move in with me, my place is always super warm." Killua freezes and his breath hitches. "Plus I'd love to wake up next to you every morning." Gon gives him a little wink.
Are they on the living with each level in their relationship? It would be nice to wake up to Gon every morning. But would he really want him around? He has nightmares a lot so Gon would always know then he'd worry him, but their really not even that bad. He's told Gon a bit about them before, after having one when he was staying over once. After that Gon pestered him a bit about them, he even recommended to try meds, but he doesn't want to worry him, he has enough on his plate.
He's probably pretty annoying to live with too, sometime he can't even force himself out of bed in the morning, so he'll lay there all day instead. He likes being super warm to the point where he's almost sweating, it was always super cold at the mansion. Gon's just naturally warm, so he'd probably get all sweaty and annoyed.
He's really not a good cook either, he usually just winds up not eating as he never feels like shopping, so he never has any easy thing to cook. Sometimes though, he'll order take out. Maybe that's why he's so small, he's never had a big diet as the Zoldyck's removed his eating privileges often. They probably just did it for fun, he's convinced they found pleasure in fucking up his life and ruining everything. It's a miracle he made it out of that place alive.
Killua's vaguely aware someone grabs his shoulder, but he's to absorbed in his thoughts to pay any mind to it.
He's also kind of a clean freak, and Gon's sorta a messy person. He doesn't think Gon even realizes how messy he is, he's the type of person to make his food and forget about the trash. So his apartment has random wrappers all over the place. He also never makes his bed, Killua took notice of that the first time he visited, and he probably doesn't wash his bedding as much as he should. A lot of people don't actually, you're really suppose to wash them at least every week.
He'll often get obsessed with things to the point where he ends up spending tons of money on it, for example his games. He loves fantasy games, and they all have some kind of currency for you to be able to attain characters, and weapons, special abilities. Let's just say that he's too angsty to do the task and earn the currency to buy all the stuff, so he'll just wind up spending all his money. A lot of the times he doesn't even realize how bad he is with that stuff, until he checks the money in his bank.
Soft fingers brush against his cheek.
Chocolate is also a major obsession of his, let's not talk about how much money weekly he spends on that stuff, he definitely eats more sweets than actual food. Which yes he knows is not healthy at all....but cmon, it's chocolate he can't help it.
Killua's pulled out of his thoughts as slightly chapped lips give a gentle kiss to his hand, he flinches mildly and looks down at Gon bowing in front of Killua like he's some prince.
"W-what are doing?" He stutters color returning to his face.
"You got all up in your head again, I figured this would bring you back." Gon leans up to stand straight again kissing his hand once more.
"You don't have to do it again," Killua squeaks.
"I know," he grins "I just like kissing you." His face flushes a deeper shade, and fights the urge not to cover his face with his hands or fling himself out of a window.
They've been in a relationship for awhile now, but he's still not use to all the affection. He was never taught how to express his emotion, nor was he shown any, so it's difficult.
"It's okay, you don't have to make a decision right now, I just think it would be really nice. We'd be able to see each other a lot more, and I could teach you how to cook, Mito has a lot of really good recipes. I could help with your nightmares, I don't like the fact that you wake up scared with no one to comfort you." Gon frowns slightly at him.
"That homophobic asshole won't bug you anymore, you can have a nice warm, cozy place to sleep and play your games."
"Yeah but- " Killua starts but gets cut off.
"Oh, and you can teach me how to play too." Gon grins dumbly at him, Killua's face softens and he shakes his head at Gon's antics.
"It sounds really nice...but." Killua pauses and looks to the floor.
"But what?" Gon questions.
"I'm really annoying, like really annoying, I'm a clean freak, a-and my nightmares would just wake you up. I like it really warm, but you get hot easily so you would be all sweaty. And-"
"Killua," Gon Interrupts "it's okay, I love all those things about you, and I'll try to pay attention to my messes better so you don't get annoyed. Plus I can just wear shorts and t-shirts, so I wouldn't get really hot. You can wear fluffy sweaters and warm pajamas, Anddddd, I'll even buy you those cute socks that keep your feet really warm!" Gon happily swings their hands back and fourth, "and if you're still cold we can cuddle!"
Killua stares dazed, how does he just accept every thing about him like that? "It sounds like paradise Killua," Gon sighs softly.
He looks down to Killua's bewildered expression "but it's okay, you can take all the time you need to decide, I'd wait an eternity for you." Gon grabs a scarf on his bed wrapping it around Killua's cold neck, smiling softly at him. "You look so cute in scarfs."
Killua's mouth goes agape, almost covered by the large scarf. Gon places fluffy ear muffs on his head. "Let's go, yeah?"
Killua grabs his large jacket, swinging it on, he glances to the mirror across his room, he looks like a damn marshmallow. He turns back to Gon sighing, prepping himself to face the cold "yeah let's go."
——————————————
"Shit! It's fucking freezing!" Killua rushes inside Gon's apartment, getting meet with cozy air. Gon chuckles softly and closes the door behind himself, "I'll turn the heat up a bit." Gon shrugs off his coat, Killua gives him a pointed look as he walks off leaving it on the ground. He returns the glance confused before Killua nods his head to his coat, "oh yeah." He laughs nervously, "I'm still not use to uh, picking things up."
He turns the heat up, Killua takes his scarf off then struggling with the buttons on his jacket. "Ugh why don't they make the stupid holes bigger?" Killua yanks on the buttons, cursing softly under his breath.
"Here." Gon grabs the button, "it's all about the angle." Killua flushes softly while Gon undoes all the buttons, he feels like a child. Gon pulls his jacket off his arms fixing the inside out sleeves, he grabs Killua's scarf from his hands, picking up his jacket off the ground then throws it all in his closet. Killua frowns, yeah he'll have to organize that...well if he moves in. Gon seems to think there's no reason for him to not.
"Want some food?" Gon asks, closing his closet door and making his way to the kitchen. "Have you eaten today?" He opens his fridge, rummaging through it.
Damn..he hasn't, but Gon doesn't need to know that. "Uh I had...breakfast." Gon turns to look at him with a knowing stare. When did he get so bad at lying? It sounded more like a question, he use to be the best at it.
"Killuaaaa," Gon whines, dragging his name out. "Well, I'm going to make you the best meal ever." He rummages some more, throwing out random ingredients.
"You don't have too, a snack is fine, I had take out last night so I wasn't very hungry today. Besides all I did was lay around all day."
"Too bad, I'm still making you something." Gon grunts as he pulls open a stuck drawer in his fridge. "Your options are a delicious sandwich with yummy chips, crunchy tacos, ummmmm, actually how about we just door dash?" Gon sighs in defeat.
"Oh okay, that's fine." Killua plops down on the couch, grabbing the remote. "Sorry I would usually shop today, but I wanted to make sure you were okay." Killua's stomach turns, now he feels guilty.
Gon scrolls on his phone "what about Chinese?"
"Oh yeah, that actually sounds really good." Killua flips through the channels, trying to ignore his mind.
"I'll order the big package deal so we can have a bit of everything." Killua hums in acknowledgment settling on a cheesy high school romance show. He and Gon have watched this before, they pretty much spent the whole time making fun of it, and arguing about who's gonna end up with who. Fun times.
"Hey, do you umm...wanna talk about earlier?" Gon puts his phone down, his voice taking on a deeper softer tone. Killua rests his elbow on the armrest, laying his head on his hand, he looks down at the scars littering his arms.
"I mean- if you want too, I guess." Killua replies, grazing his hand down his arm, feeling the bumps of the scars. The couch dips slightly as Gon sits with his legs crossed beside him, he takes Killua's hand softly rubbing the skin.
"I'm really so proud of you, you know? I know it must have been hard telling me." Killua turns to him also sitting with his legs crossed. His throat feels tight again, he really doesn't feel like crying again.
"I'm sorry," Killua gasps clenching his jaw to keep himself from crying. He doesn't really know why he's apologizing, it just feels like he should.
Gon trails his fingers down Killua's arm, the pads of his fingers softly graze his scars. "You have nothing to be sorry for Killua, it's okay."
His skin tingles under Gon's touch, he surprises himself as he doesn't pull away. If this was anyone else he definitely would have.
"I know it's disgusting, I'm sorry." Killua grips his pant leg, a few tears leak their way onto his pale cheek, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." A tear falls onto Gon's hand, he looks up to him and cradles Killua's face in his hands wiping away his tears.
"Please Killua, it's okay, please don't apologize, it's my fault I wasn't there for you."
"Gon," Killua scoffs "you didn't even know me."
"I know, but it's still my fault." He doesn't actually think that does he?
Killua gives him a wobbly smile, Gon leans back and pulls him to lay on his chest. Killua wraps his arms tight around his waist resting his head on his sternum. "It's not your fault," Killua states, slightly muffled by his chest.
"If it's not my fault, then you better stop saying sorry because it's definitely not your fault." Gon guides his hand into his hair, and Killua sighs in contentment.
"Okay, I'll try," Gon hums a reply, playing with his white locks. They stay like that till the doorbell rings, Killua flinches having woken from his slumber.
"The foods here I think." Gon grunts, removing his hands from Killua's hair, and rubbing at his eyes.
"Wait a minute for him to leave." Killua yawns, settling back comfortably for far more than a minute.
"Killua." Gon lightly shakes him "the foods gonna get cold."
Killua groans in response "too sleepy to eat."
Gon shakes him roughly "Kiluaaaaa, you need to eat."
"Ugh, fine," Killua slowly gets up, almost tripping. He grabs the couch swatting Gon's hand away "I'm fine." He looks down at Gon, laughing softly at seeing his white hairs all over his black shirt.
"What?" Gon questions, Killua points down at his shirt walking off to get the food. Gon groans "Killua you're just like a cat."
Killua giggle as he opens the door, grabbing the two large bags outside. "Well at least you're not going anywhere." Killua sits in front of the couch setting out all the food "how much stuff did you get? Theres so much." Killua gaps at all the food, how the heck are they suppose to eat all this.
"I wasn't sure what I wanted so I just clicked on a bunch of stuff." Gon says as he slides down to sit next to him, kissing him gently on the forehead. Killua pauses, he'll never get use to that. His stomach grumbles and Gon laughs softly "Ha I knew you're hungry, your stomach is thanking me."
"Traitor." Killua grumbles, talking to his stomach while digging his chop sticks out of the bag.
Gon scopes some noodles out with his chop sticks, moaning as he chews them. "Killua here, these are literally the best noodles I've ever had." He grabs some more and turns to Killua, "try," Gon puts it to his plush lips.
Killua flushes, hesitantly taking a bite, Gon watches him expectantly as he chews. "Eh, I've had better." Killua grabs some chicken and stuffs it in his mouth, damn that's good, he should definitely eat more chicken. "This is better." He says pointing at the chicken.
"Take that back, these noodles are delicious."
Killua mischievously grins at him, "no... Try the chicken you'll see." Gon grabs some chicken, popping it in his mouth.
Killua glares at Gon knowingly, as he sees the spark in his eyes, he rolls his eyes at him, "fine you win."
"Ha told you so." Killua laughs smacking Gon in the arm. This is nice Killua thinks as he grabs some more food, I could get use to this. Is this how it would be if he moved in? Killua glances at Gon, his eyes are sparking, the candle on the table across from them reflects in his eyes. I could get use to this sight, this feeling.
Their meal continues with funny remarks, and soft laughs, soon enough they're both snuggled on the couch together, with full bellies and content smiles. “Christmas is tomorrow,” Gon states, playing with Killua’s hair again.
“Shit.” Killua sits up abruptly “your gifts, they’re at my house.”
“It’s okay,” Gon guides Killua back down to his chest, they’re sitting like they were before. Killua sits in between Gon’s legs, except his back leans on his chest so he can face the tv. “We can just go over there tomorrow and get home.”
“Hmm okay.” Killua settles back down, turning on his stomach again.
“You’re gonna love what I got you, Gon states. Killua smirks, he can imagine he’s smiling like an idiot.
“Oh yeah?” He mumbles
“Yeah.”
“You’re so comfortable to lay on.” He mumbles again, he’s not sure if Gon can even hear him, he’s too sleepy to talk louder.
His eyes drop lazily, “Hey Killua?”
“Yeah”
“This is nice.”
“Yeah.” Killua sighs contently, “I wanna move in with you.”
“Wait, really?!” Gon’s eyes widen, and Killua smirks.
“Yeah….once my lease ends, in like two weeks.” He yawns softly.
“I can’t wait.” Gon whispers.
“Same.” Killua closes his eyes contently, he might regret saying that in the morning, it all seems kinda fast, but that’s all right. It’ll be alright, he’ll be with Gon.
Killua falls fast asleep, comforted by Gon’s presence and the hand playing with his soft locks. He’s sure to have all kind of tangles in the morning, but he’ll deal with that later.