Chapter Text
1975 || April 29th
March 21st
Dear Mum and Dad,
Lily still isn’t going out with me. Why does she hang around that blasted Snape?! He’s so slimy and into the Dark Arts and he’s been cruel to Remus since day one! And he makes Peter anxious and I saw him, SAW HIM, with my own very eyes, hexing animals by the lake. She is so pretty and kind and amazing and fierce, why, oh WHY is she with him?!
You both didn’t write me back last week. Well, you did, but it was so short! What’s keeping you busy, hmm?
With ALL THE LOVE,
James Potter
I send on the letter, my hands pressed to my chest as I try and fail to warm myself. The weather is warming up, and spring is right around the corner, floating around in butterfly shaped whispers, but I have never felt colder. Not even Lily-watching or staring at Snape’s name on the Marauder’s Map is helping me.
Unable to stand being by myself, I hurry out of the Owlery, desperate for companionship, any kind of human contact, oh Godric, anything.
I'm shivering and feel as if I'm encased in ice as I sprint down the corridors, down the stairs, leaning way too far over the banisters, laughing when I nearly fall off. The thrill of adrenaline turns my icy, frigid chest cavity to something a little softer.
I check the common room, the dormitory, even the bathrooms, but don't find my friends.
I'm about to leave the boy's bathroom when I see my reflection. Everything is in tip top, tippy top shape! But…but…oh Merlin. Oh God.
Horrified and anxious, I throw my robes to the floor, pressing my hands to my shoulders, my face, my stomach. Suddenly, the perfect reflection in front of me looks awful. My face is too childish, my shoulders are too thin, my stomach is still soft. Is this what Lily sees, a goddamn child?
Staring at myself, hand embedded deep into my atrocious hair, I notice the crazed gleam in my eye. Why do I look like that? Oh God, is that what Lily sees? Does she think I'm crazy?
"....no idea where he went, he's probably staring at the mirror again."
"Remus, you're still limping!"
"I'm in a lot of pain, lads, do you mind if I lay down?"
"Of course not, you look like shite, mate. No offense."
I want to join them, I know I ought to, Remus needs me and Peter is going to steal things and Sirius sounds angry. But I can't stop obsessing over my body. My face, my tummy, my hair, my shoulders, my hands.
I'm pressing my hands to my middle and sucking in when Sirius appears behind me in the mirror.
He scoffs, sighing with an eye roll and head shake. "James. For fuck's sakes."
I frantically flap my hands before gesturing to myself. "Sirius! Do I look…do I look…"
He snickers, coming over to me and patting my shoulder as I groan into my hands. "You're gorgeous, James. Same as always."
I shake my head. "No, no, no! Sirius, look at me. Look at me! I saw myself in the mirror and I look ridiculous! Sirius, do I have a stomach?"
He rubs his forehead, looking thoroughly annoyed. "No, James. No one gives a shit about your stomach."
Moaning in distress, I lift up my untucked shirt. Sirius sniggers, hand going up to cover his mouth.
I drop my shirt at once, my face red. Sirius reaches to pat my shoulder, but it's too late. My hand grabs my wand, and my mouth is twisting to pronounce the cruelest hex I can think of.
Sirius stampers out an apology as his ears turn into trumpets, but I'm too angry. I brush past him out of the loo, making sure to step on his foot.
An hour later, when free period is over and I've created an entire colony of yellow birds out of paper, I smack my forehead. Dammit! What was I mad about?
I find Sirius laying on Remus's bed as they read together. I don't even pay any mind to how close they're sitting by each other.
Sirius looks up with noticeable trepidation as I lean against the bedpost. His ears are thankfully back to normal. "Mate, I-"
I wave impatiently. "I'm sorry for turning your ears into trumpets."
Remus grins a little. "Was that an apology from James Potter?"
I roll my eyes. "Don't get used to it. I've got to keep the reputation."
My anger now dissipated, I blow a breath out and give them a nervous smile. "So…how do I look at this angle?"
Remus laughs, and Sirius smiles at me fondly. "There he is."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James,
Son, we have just been informed of your grades.
James, this is unacceptable. These antics will get you nowhere in life. You are only hurting yourself. I know you're capable of much more, we've seen it.
With love,
Mum and Dad Potter
The most recent letter is still in my pocket when I'm walking with the Marauders by the Black Lake. I'm trembling from how cold I am. My chest is actually hurting, it's that intense. Not even all the hexes I threw at various Slytherins today could ease the pain.
Next to me, Sirius dramatically sighs. "I'm bored."
I look around for something to do, a Slytherin for target practice.
I spot Snape, and I grin. "Bingo. Oi, Snivelly!"
My mind becomes a hot, hazy blur. I'm laughing as heat rushes back into my body, and I can breathe again.
Stop! Stop it, Potter!
Only if you go out with me, Evans.
….arrogant toerag! I'm surprised your broom can get off the ground, with your fat head on it!
I'm putting my wand down, watching everything unfold very quickly.
….Mudblood!
James….
I'm cold. I'm cold. It was warm, no flaming hot, I had a crowd around me, everyone watching and laughing with me, admiring me, but now I'm cold. Lily, oh God, she's storming off!
…too far, mate..
…knew Potter was so cruel?
No one is looking at me anymore. They're all going back to their business. Am I really that cruel? What the hell did I just do?
Remus is tugging on my arm and bringing me back to Earth. "James, come on."
I don't get feeling back into my body until we're sat on Remus's bed. I'm hugging Mr. Dinosaur, my old stuffed animal friend I've had since age three.
Sirius is the first to speak. "Look, I thought it was funny at first. But you've gone too far."
I don't look at him, focusing instead on Mr. Dinosaur's green fabric and sparkly blue belly.
Remus adds on, "That was cruel, James. You didn't have to do that to him."
Peter makes a noise of agreement. I try to act nonchalant but it's becoming much too real. I'm an asshole. "Let's just…relax and stay in here."
All three of them nod.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a week goes by and not another letter comes from Mum and Dad, I feel myself unraveling. My grades are still too low, and it's not hard to figure out why.
I'm pulling out my old dinosaur shaped night light from first year and leaving it on all night. The dark makes me feel cold and lonely. My head is beginning to feel haunted and I've started talking to the moon out of sheer desperation.
We're leaving Potions class after I got detention for making my potion explode, on purpose.
Even Sirius seems annoyed, but he's grinning. "Never a dull moment with you, James, is there?"
Remus isn't having it. "James, this is the second week in a row you've ruined your own potion! Why are you doing this shit? Do you want bad grades?"
I shrug, too focused on the warmth sustaining itself in my chest. "Why does it matter?"
Remus looks at me with pure irritation. "Because, Prongs, maybe we care about you and want you to stop fucking things up for yourself?"
We care about you. That's all I need to hear. To my embarrassment, my eyes are getting moist. I look away, trying to keep my flippant posture. But it comes crumbling down within seconds when tears are rolling down my face.
Sirius gently touches my shoulder. "A bit harsh, Remy."
I make my tone harsh as I can, but it's too late. I'm trembling like a fall leaf and dammit…I need Mum. I need Mr. Dinosaur. I need a bloody hug. "No, no, the Potion got in my eye…"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The four of us are in the library, researching things for our Animagus transformations. Sirius is talking animatedly about what it feels like as a dog. Peter timidly describes how it is for him as a rat whilst knitting. Remus is drawing, happily nomming on chocolate.
The warmth still floating in my chest from watching Regulus during Quidditch practice earlier is fading fast. Sirius has been worried for his brother, and I wanted to reassure him that Regulus is at least having fun in Quidditch.
When Remus begins sketching a deer out of boredom, the ice fills my chest cavity again. "I'm only managing antlers and a tail so far."
Peter shrugs. "Actually, last time you got ears and a nose, too."
I scoff. "How reassuring. Why don't you go back to knitting yourself a rat sized jumper?"
He ducks his head and goes back to his knitting. Remus lifts his head to scowl at me. "Stop taking the Mickey out of Pete so much, James. That looks amazing, Pete, is that a scarf?"
Realizing Remus might be right, I breathe in, breathe out, close my eyes, open them.
I see Peter's knitting project, grudgingly admiring the complex stitches made from purple yarn. As annoying as Pete is, he is talented. "Not too shabby, it looks rather nice."
All three of them look at me in shock. Peter is trying not to smile, and Sirius has a raised eyebrow.
Remus is smirking. "Was that a compliment?"
Sirius is snickering. "Well, well. Look at this, James Potter does have a heart."
I shrug, trying not to look too visibly pleased with myself. But even then, I feel my chest puffing out. "Oh, stop it."
"Oh, it's Potter. Come on, Lils, let's just-"
My heart is skipping several beats. I feel my skin nearly flushing with the heat surging through me at hearing her voice. She's standing next to Marlene, who is also scowling at me. Godric, Lily looks so pretty today. Her hair is all disheveled and she's got pens stuck behind her ears. Does she know how cute she looks like that?
We make eye contact, and she glares at me, clenching her hand on her wand. Sirius grips my sleeve, and I back down, turning back around staring at my hands.
"Lils, back off. Don't talk to him, come on…Lily!"
A swish of red hair and robes and something smelling like flowers, and she is right by me. I can't look at her. She's so fierce.
I can tell her arms are crossed. "I hope you're happy, Potter. Oh, whats wrong, too scared to look at me? Not so confident anymore, are we? You're so fucking pathetic, Potter. You're no better than Severus, you're just as horrid!"
I try to defend myself, even though I'm starting to think she's right. "Evans…"
She spits the words out like they poisoned her. "I hate you."
I hate you.
Marlene drags her away, and I swallow uncomfortably. All at once, my insides are frozen solid, my hands are numb, and everything around me is getting…fuzzy. No one has ever truly, really hated me before.
I hate you.
No one has ever hated me before, not ever, and least of all a girl. I didn't know I could be hated. Oh my goodness …am I that bad?
I hate you.
I look up, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Remus is sketching, Peter is knitting, and Sirius is looking at Remus's drawing. Look at me. Look at me, I need to know you all don't hate me too.
My eyes feel hot. I can't cry, this is so stupid. But try as I might, I'm shaking uncontrollably, a deep sadness is crashing over my mind, and my eyes are now blurry with tears.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. The clock is suddenly louder than ever. I can hear every little sound in the library.
My voice is weak and trembling. God! I fucking hate my voice. I fucking hate everything about myself. "Mates…do you hate me?"
Sirius scoffs, not even looking up. "Don't tell me you're letting her get to you."
I'm more insistent this time. "Do you hate me?"
No response from them. I frantically shake Peter's shoulder, but he only looks confused and startled. Remus slams down his pencil. "James. Not everything is constantly about you!"
All at once, all sound stops. I can only hear my heartbeat in my ears. The world is slipping away from me, slipping away into fuzz and static.
And then, and then I'm so frozen I can't breathe. My heart is speeding, my chest is going to split open. I'm going to burst. I think I might die.
I get up from my seat, slamming my hands on the table. Everything is blurry. Is my mouth moving? "I just wanted to know! Do you all fucking hate me?!"
Sirius is on his feet now. He's shushing me, trying to sit me back down. "No, no, no, James. We don't, okay? Mate, please, we really need to-"
I'm on my chair now, kicking my books off the table. "No more pencils, no more books!"
I pretend to play guitar, giggling to myself. "No more teachers, dirty looks! Out for summer, out 'til fall!"
Madam Pince is stomping towards us. I laugh and shout, "WE MIGHT NOT COME BACK AT ALL!"
"MR. POTTER! Detention! Leave my library at once!"
I hop off the table, unable to stop the grin on my face. I feel so much better! I dramatically bow down, even pretending to curtsy. "Will do, your majesty!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 1st
My stomach is twisting with pain, my mouth tastes metallic, and I'm carrying an unconscious Severus Snape.
James, we won't have to worry about Snivelly anymore.
Sirius, what do you mean?
He's the reason you've got all these detentions. It's all him. Good ol Moony will help us out.
Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?
I told that slimy git how to get past the Whomping Willow!
I close my eyes, but only for a second. I have to get through this. Snape needs medical attention.
SIRIUS! How could you?!
I emerge from the passageway, struggling for breath. My stomach is hurting so badly.
The hallway is empty. Oh God, oh God! I need somebody!
Up ahead, I see a Slytherin scarf. Gritting my teeth, I put my prejudices aside. "Oi! Can you help me?"
The student drops his broom and rushes over. My vision is turning black at the edges. "Potter?! What…"
The world is tilting, I'm sick to my stomach, and my grip on Snape is weakening.
Someone else is using my mouth. "He needs medical attention. Just get us to the bloody hospital wing, yeah?"
I've no idea how I make it, but I do. Once the three of us are in the hospital wing, I explain to Madam Pomfrey in a whisper. Severus is laying down, bandages swathing his body.
The Slytherin fourth year is gripping my shoulders. Why is he helping me stand up? I'm fine, I'm bloody fine. Are his eyes grey? They're kinda pretty up close. He looks familiar…
I must be falling. Madam Pomfrey is saying something but it's just buzzing. Why does this Slytherin kinda look like…Sirius? I'm mad at Sirius, aren't I?
"Miss, he's really bleeding a lot, from his stomach."
He's laying me down, but I'm weakly struggling against him. He lets go of me, and I lose all fight, flopping onto the mattress. I whimper at the soft, cushy pillow underneath my head.
"....Albus, I have a student suffering severe blood loss. Regulus, I'd ordinarily make you leave, but I need any extra hands I can get…"
"Of course, of course, Miss. What do you…"
"Put pressure on his wounds, he's bleeding faster than I can stop it…"
I can barely see anything; my glasses were just taken off. Is that Sirius in a Slytherin scarf? "Sirius …how could you? I trusted you."
"I'm not my idiot brother. I'm Regulus. Now shut it, you're delirious."
I'm overtaken by nausea. Before I can stop myself, I'm covered in my own mess. "You have pretty grey eyes."
With that, I'm finally passing out, flat on my back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James POV
The gash on my stomach and chest was still healing, even though it had been a full month since I'd rescued Snape from the Whomping Willow. Remus was back in class again, Sirius had just been invited back into the Marauders, and Peter was no longer stress-shoplifting.
And me? Well...I was in the hospital wing again.
It had been almost imperceptible at first, the sure and sudden change in my psyche from Remus' claws. I'd been in human form, knowing that revealing Prongs to Snivellus wouldn't be wise. I knew why I'd done it, but just the sight of two humans was enough. Remus had permanently scarred me. Severus had luckily escaped his werewolf claws, but hadn't been so lucky with the whirling branches of the Whomping Willow.
This time, I lied to the other Marauders, stating that I was talking to Madam Hooch about Quidditch stuff and it was private. I miraculously was able to be by myself, although Sirius didn't take his eyes off of me and Remus looked skeptical.
As I walked to the hospital wing by myself, I let out a breath. I'd scarcely been able to find time for myself, and it was a weird problem to have. Either Sirius needed support, Remus was crying, or Peter was anxious. To top it off, Sirius and I weren't back to playing Quidditch yet, Sirius being in detention and me being medically barred. I loved being there for my friends, but too much was weighing on me at once. I'd begun to really feel the toll.
Madam Pomfrey nodded when I came in, gesturing to an empty bed. My heart skipped a happy beat when I saw Mum and Dad sitting in chairs by an empty bed. "Ah, Mr. Potter. Just in time, do sit down. Oh, you look pained, I have pain relieving potions-"
I quickly shook my head in refusal, but my will gave out when I made eye contact with Mum. I swallowed two potions; one to relieve pain, and one to replenish my energy. I'd been feeling so much more tired lately as my body slowly recovered.
Once I was more comfortable, Madam Pomfrey asked me to roll up my shirt, revealing the deep gash that was now a fresh scar. Once I pulled my shirt down, she took a deep breath, looking grim. "The effects of being attacked by a werewolf without being bitten have not been thoroughly studied...but I am sure you've noticed changes."
I nodded, a ball of anxiety that was perpetually living in my chest now growing in size like a metastasizing tumor. Indeed, I had. "My appetite...I hate meat now but I crave it constantly. And...it's harder to sleep at night and my senses are stronger...and.."
She brought out a worn-looking book. "Your emotions, are they stronger?"
I didn't look at anyone, uncomfortable, knowing I had to be honest. "....yes. I feel...more anxious? And at first, when I was on bed rest...I was so angry that it scared me. I'm still getting angry...I don't know why."
When I looked at Mum and Dad, my anxiety only grew. Dad's face was pinched like always when he was worried, and Mum's lips are pressed together, her wildly curly hair beginning to spark with magic. Dad lays a gentle hand on her back, his eyes full of kindness underneath the glasses he wore. I rubbed my hands together, wondering in paranoia if they were afraid to touch me.
I was proven wrong, of course, when Mum got up, sitting next to me and pulling me into a gentle hug. "You look pale. And you're shaking...do tell me you're actually eating?"
I weakly smiled. I couldn't lie to Mum. I just...couldn't. Padfoot, Wormtail, and Moony always teased me about it. "I've been eating, Mum. Maybe a little too much, I'm constantly hungry."
Mum smiles warmly. "Oh, that's normal for your age, James. You've been getting hungrier the last two months."
Dad went on my other side, and I almost wanted to cry. Merlin, I'd missed them so much this past month. "He's still barred from Quidditch?"
I nodded, and Madam Pomfrey sat in a chair herself. "Yes, he is, unfortunately."
Dad's hand is on my shoulder now. "But James loves Quidditch. Surely he'll be able to join again soon?"
Mum cut in, her eyes sharp, red and gray hair sparking like a Christmas tree now. I watched her curls, mesmerized, desperate to distract myself from this conversation. "Fleamont, he can barely sit up straight. He won't stay on his broom. And from it sounds like...it might be stressful."
As much as I hated it, I knew Mum was right. I moved my gaze from Mum to my expensive Puma Fast Riders. Normally I obsessively cared for my shoe collection, especially given they were all expensive and name brands, but lately...I'd been too tired and my mind was too scattered.
I finally mustered the bravery to speak what I'd been thinking lately. "I'm too angry. I'll start a fight and then put someone in the hospital wing."
Dad tried to reassure me. "Son, Quidditch has always calmed you down. Surely it won't-"
My anxiety quickly began to turn into anger, white hot rage that alarmed me with how quickly and intensely it grew, clouding my senses and raising my body temperature. A growl left from between my teeth, and I felt a small shift, as if someone else was stepping in my place.
I rose to my feet, my jaw clenching. Mum looked at me with wide eyes, and Dad glanced at her with an unreadable expression. "Things are different now! What am I going to do around the full moon?! I'm out of control!"
My voice broke on the last syllable. Mum reached for me, and I flinched away, too full of rage and pent up energy that didn't feel entirely like my own to reciprocate. I tugged on my hair harshly, gnawing at my lip in an effort to reign in my anger.
Madam Pomfrey only gave a a long, long sigh. "It has not escaped notice of the professors and even your friends, Mr. Potter, that you are much more on edge. I'm afraid you may be medically barred from Quidditch for the rest of the year...for your own safety."
Mum embraced me and Dad ruffled my hair once I'd begun to calm down. I sat down again, my foot twitching. I opened my mouth, the words jumping out of my mouth. "What's gonna happen to me on full moon?"
Madam Pomfrey only smiled sadly before launching into an explanation. "The way you have been feeling lately...but much more intense. Body aches...that's very common. Your magic may get out of control. I suggest you tell your friends, Mr. Potter, so they can keep an eye on you. But I have a feeling they are already doing so."
Mum whispered quietly in Arabic under her breath, and I forgot everything else as I let the beautiful language wash over me. Mum's dua was a constant thing; she prayed often and whenever she had the chance, and I couldn't describe my admiration for her. I frequently forgot dua, but when I did remember, I always thought of her.
Pomfrey's words replayed again and again in my head, striking like a gong in my head as I pushed mindlessly through the halls. My classmates called out to me, but I ignored them. It was starting to really hit me. By the time I made it to the common room, I was exhausted and desperate for my friends. The thought of being away from them was suddenly unbearable.
Remus seemed to have figured out right away where I was and told the others. The four of them went silent as I sat down in the common room, unable to meet their eyes. I saw Lily sitting by Remus, who quietly said to her, "I hate to be rude, but the four of us need a bit of privacy."
Lily nodded, getting up at once. I felt something breaking in me as she nodded. "Of course, Remus. I understand. See you at the Prefect meeting later?"
Remus nodded in affirmation, and Lily swiftly left to the other side of the common room. The four of us also got up, moving to a secluded corner by the fireplace. I shied away from the heat, already feeling unusually warm.
To no one's surprise, Remus was the first to speak. "James...you don't have to hide it from us. You know all about me, and my lycanthropy."
I froze, now even more afraid to look at them. I looked up when Sirius spoke up for possibly the first time in weeks, "It's obvious, mate. You were attacked by Moony when he was transformed. You've hardly even left the dorms since you left the hospital wing...where else would you have been?"
Peter tentatively spoke up, eyes wide and nervous as always. For the first time in my school career, I felt sympathy and not pity for him. Did I put that nervous look there by being such a tosser? "But...Prongs can't be...changing...right? He's...he wasn't really bitten. Just...scratched?"
Sirius winces, head falling into his hands. Remus takes a breath in. "You saw him, Pete. You saw all the blood and...how they had to use a blood replenishing potion. How are you feeling, by the way, Prongs? Please be honest...you don't have to hide around us."
Sirius echoed vaguely, "Yeah, mate..."
I literally said that to you this morning. I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, like my position as leader of the Marauders was slipping. I gave comfort. I didn't need to receive it. I sighed, wanting to stand up and show them the healing scar...but I was too damned tired. Instead, I sighed and slumped into the soft couch. "No Quidditch for the rest of the year."
All three of them gasped, Sirius getting to his feet. Peter looked horrified. "But...but you're mostly all healed up! It can't be that bad, right?"
Remus was the only one who didn't look shocked, only sad for my sake. For that I was both grateful and saddened that he understood.
I curled up in my chair, sighing in frustration. My fuse was terribly short these days. "I've got a wolf now."
They were quiet, all three of them processing it. Sirius' voice was full of guilt. "Are you...are you sure, James? It can't be...are you going to transform?"
I repeated to them what Pomfrey told me. Remus nodded, looking grim but with an air of determination that made me feel encouraged. "A mental transformation, then. Although...doesn't sound like you'll be feeling physically well, either."
My agitation was mounting, and my anxiety was rising along with anger and desperation. I couldn't recall having ever felt so many emotions at once. Overwhelmed, I got to my feet, swaying with dizziness and exhaustion. I had no idea where I was even going until Remus held out a chocolate bar with a little grin.
At first I wrinkled my nose and shook my head until...the scent hit me. Ohhhhhh. Chocolate. Hell yeah. I took it eagerly, curling back up as I gnawed animalistically at the treat. Remus rubbed my shoulder, making me even calmer as I scooched closer to the werewolf. Oh...why did I suddenly feel so much calmer near Remus?
Sirius chuckled a little, also scooching closer. "There he is. All he needed was chocolate and Moony. You're going to be okay, James."
And because I was always an optimist, I believed him.