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Drunk it’s easier to remember and easier to forget. He hasn’t been drunk in...he can’t remember how long. Long enough to take the sharp edge off the memories. Memories and thoughts that he suddenly can’t fight. Memories that are as sharp and swift as a razor blade, quick and clean but the alcohol numbs the edges. Takes out the bite. He really wishes he’d stopped at one shot, or maybe three. The fourth and fifth were just begging for trouble and by the tenth, well it’s his own fault really. No one else to blame.
Melancholy. Rodney would call it sitting on his ass in the damn dark, feeling sorry for himself about things he couldn’t control, can’t change. But Rodney’s not here to tell him. Rodney’s not here anymore to say anything. Rodney’s gone. Gone. Just gone away. Far, far fucking away. Ronon not talking to him, dumped him on his ass in his quarters and told him no more alcohol. Teyla not around to see him. She’s gone too. Not quite so far but still. Gone. All of them, fucking gone.
Morose. He always was a morose fucking drunk. Not angry. Never violent. Never nasty. Just annoyed and bad company. Doesn’t want other people around. Not in control enough to deal with people. Better to hole up here, away from people and wait till he’s sober again and can apologise to Ronon for refusing to follow his suggestions. Which were perfectly good, even great suggestions. Maybe Ronon should be in charge. He’d be better at it right now than he is. Damn. He really shouldn’t be drunk. If there’s a...if anything happens he’ll be useless. And he’s in fucking charge! Dumbass.
Should have followed Rodney to Earth. Even if it was just for a few days, maybe a week or two. He could have used the damn break. The time off. Maybe even a nice holiday by the beach with a board and some...Some what? Some pointless holiday girlfriend? Just a warm body to pass the time. Fuck. Fucking hell he’s...hands scrabbling over his face, rough bristles and dry skin. He misses Rodney. And he shouldn’t . Shouldn’t miss Rodney who’s not here. Who in actual fact, is on Earth. Far, far, fucking far away with Keller. On a Date. Date with a capital fucking D. Probably proposing Marriage by now if he’s still as desperate with women as he was with Katie fucking Brown.
Stupid women. Stupid Rodney. Stupid him. He’s sure, well, pretty sure that all he had to do was actually Say something to Rodney and Rodney would have asked him, taken him but he didn’t. Kept his mouth shut. Didn’t say a damn word. Just sat back and smiled and smirked and told Rodney to go for it. Of course Keller would love to go. Who the hell wouldn’t ? Rodney in full arrogant, I know better, you’re all stupid, mode. It was one of his favourite things to sit back and watch. Better than hockey. Maybe even better than golf. Not quite as good as college football but pretty damn close.
Next time, if there is a next time, if Rodney doesn’t come back married, hitched, had a shot gun wedding in Vegas. Next time he’ll say something. Next time he’ll ask to go. Say he has time. Which he does. And then Rodney will frown and blink and look confused and then frustrated because he's confused and annoyed because he doesn’t know why he asked and too stubborn to admit that so...What was he thinking again? Next time. Right. Next time he’ll ask Rodney to go. And of course Rodney will say yes. Rodney will want him to go. Because it's Rodney and he's John and that’s the way they are. Except when he took Ronon to Earth with him. Instead of Rodney. But that was only cause Ronon invited himself and Rodney didn’t even ask. So that doesn’t count. And so totally wasn’t his fault that Rodney got pissed and angry and jealous about it.
***
“Jesus did you marinate yourself in Radek’s finest?” Sharp, demanding.
Groaning cause that tone, first thing, with this level of hangover...wait...what? Why wasn’t Rodney on Earth?
“What are you doing here?” John croaked and damn even speaking hurt, but that could have been due to the late night session in the bathroom, throwing up his body weight in alcohol. “I thought...”
“Saved the Earth early.” Smug.
Made him smile. No wait. It shouldn’t. Shouldn’t? Why shouldn’t? Oh god his head hurt.
“So whilst I was off saving the Earth again you decided to drown your woes?”
And didn’t Rodney sound confused by that.
“Colonel?”
“You left. We had a party.” John’s voice hoarse and to the point.
“Oh, I see.” Dead flat, hurt and almost angry.
Angry? Frown scrunching up his face. Why was he angry when they just...oh. Waving his hand.
“No no not because of that. We just...there’s a new Athosian baby.”
The first since they’d been rescued from Michael so it was a big deal. Apparently. His eyes were finally cracked open to see Rodney looking not even close to mollified, if anything put out that they hadn’t waited for him to get back. But he wasn’t due back for another week!
“So you’re back early.”
An eye roll of epic proportions.
“I can see the alcohol’s done wonders for your brain functions.” Snide. Good old Rodney in fine form.
“Thanks Rodney. I love you too.” Sunny ‘fuck you too’ smile.
“Really. That’s why you dove straight into the liquor without me. Without me!” Indignant. “You know there wouldn’t even be liquor if I didn’t let Radek build the distillery AND keep it running in secret I might add, despite Woolsey’s protests.”
“I think I said thankyou Rodney. I’m pretty sure I said thankyou Rodney. Didn’t you hear me say thankyou? Cause I’m fairly certain the words, thankyou Rodney, came out of my mouth.” Groaning as he dragged his aching body into a sitting position.
“God. How much did you drink anyway? You smell really bad.”
“Thankyou Rodney.” Mock snarling. “And seriously, what are you doing here? Specifically IN here?”
“Oh well... I...you weren’t running around so I figured, you know, with all the virulent diseases that you’re likely to get being Kirk and your vapid predilection of doing incredibly stupid things without proper supervision I figured...”
A moments silence as he blinked at Rodney, slowly wading through the diatribe to realise.
“You were worried about me?” Shocked as he felt his eyebrow rising.
“It may have crossed my mind that you could have possibly, highly unlikely though it now seems, have gotten...you know...sick.” The explanation, filled with awkward pauses and hand waving, looked painful on Rodney’s face, faint blush tinting his pale cheeks, then up his ears.
“Rodney! I didn’t even leave Atlantis.” Drawling.
“And yet look at the state of you!” In his best ‘see I’m right’ voice.
“I’m hung-over not sick or dying.” John’s voice was heavily laced with sarcasm.
“You could have been sick or dying.” Rodney’s voice rising on the defensive.
“I could have been jerking off!” John was snapping back without thought.
The blush that resulted made Rodney look flushed and intense.
“Well um...I guess that...well...you could have been.”
“Yeah um...” Jesus what the fuck was he saying? “Wasn’t.”
John’s shoulder dipped slightly in apology. Rodney was still staring at him like he’d grown an extra head. He guessed Canadian’s were too polite to discuss those sorts of things. Seemed funny to imagine Rodney baulking at any topic of conversation. Except maybe women. Or maybe it was sex in general, though he called John Kirk often enough and referred to the incident with Chaya on a regular basis. Years later! Which was completely unfair considering Rodney had gotten laid more than John since they’d come here.
Rodney blinked at John’s scowling face.
“Hey you said it. Don’t blame me for this turn of conversation.” Rodney protested.
“Right. Sorry. So...how’d the trip go?” John figured changing the topic was a good idea.
“Saved Earth again.” But he didn’t look nearly so smug now.
“Oh? Thought we agreed you weren’t going to do that without me?” John pouted. No, not pouted, grumbled! Smirked...Did Not Pout!
“You weren’t there!” Yelling at John.
And Rodney looked pissed, seriously pissed by that fact, which was totally and utterly unfair. It wasn’t like he’d deliberately...wait, hang on!
“You didn’t invite me!” Sharply pointing out that fact.
“You didn’t ask!” Rodney’s voice was rising in counterpoint.
“You asked Keller!” And John sounded angry now.
“Well you...you didn’t...wait. What?” Confusion splashed all over Rodney’s face like a cold drink, leaving him spluttering.
“You. Asked. Keller.” Spelling it out for Rodney in the simplest of terms. Specifically designed to drive him insane.
“Only because you didn’t want to go!” Voice piercing now.
“I wanted to go!” John bellowing in response.
Then silence.
“Oh.” Rodney voice was actually quiet.
“Shit. Rodney I...” Scratching the back of his neck and trying, thinking desperately of a way to explain how exactly that shouldn’t have sounded.
“No...no, no, no. Shut up! You...you just...You wanted to come?” Rodney sounded surprised and sort of hopeful at the same time.
“Well it...I could have...wouldn’t have minded...” Stuttering, trying not to say anything and yet he was saying practically everything because Rodney knew John’s inherently demented language.
“Oh shut up.” Exasperated. “You could have just said you know. I may be brilliant but I’m not Superman and even he couldn’t read minds!” And yet he sounded ridiculously smug.
“Well don’t let it go to your head or anything. I’ve just got time accrued.”
“So why didn’t you say.” Gleeful, hands rubbing together. “Because I still have three months and counting. We can find a nice beach, maybe a private island...”
“Who says I want a beach?” But John was smiling.
“I notice you’re not protesting my fine company.” Rodney looked smug, oh so smug and John cringed. This could not end well. “So fine we’ll find somewhere else to go maybe a...”
“Beach is fine. Or maybe snow.” Trying to derail Rodney’s thoughts.
“Great! We can go skiing.” His face was lighting up, eyes gleaming like a kid at Christmas who’d just been given everything he’d asked for. Though with Rodney it was probably more like everything he’d demanded.
“You can ski?” Sudden disbelief. Hazel piercing blue.
“I’m Canadian.” With an eye roll that told John he was an idiot.
“Skiing?”Arms crossing and eyes demanding.
“Well...maybe only a little.” Voice hedging.
John just stared.
“Okay maybe not at all, but still, I can learn.” And Rodney sounded so sure of himself that John didn’t have the heart to shoot him down. Tell him that skiing was harder than it looked.
“So skiing. Or a private island. Though I have to tell you, the private island’s sounding pretty good.” John dared to hint a little.
“Why?” Rodney’s face covered in pure confusion.
“Well it could be because it’s private.” Smirking, waiting, letting Rodney read the invitation there. He’d either hear it or he...
“You!...you’re...that was...You Are Kirk!”
“Rodney!” Grinding his teeth in frustration.
“I’m not complaining!” Rodney was staring, gaping, eyes suddenly wide as he noticed John’s naked upper body. “I’m really, really not complaining.”
“Good to know.” Trying to ignore the pleasant rush of heat.
“Good to know! That’s all I get? Good to know! What are you five!” And Rodney was stalking towards the bed.
John felt the blush spread up his neck, over his face. He’d always sucked at this part. Unless, unless it really didn’t matter that he really wasn't the Kirk Rodney accused him of being. But it’d been years since...
“Hello! I’m still here, wherever the hell you’ve gone.” Indignant, standing next to the bed, arms crossed over his blue science shirt.
“You’re already back in uniform.”
“Oh my god you really are five. This is going to be like dating Cindy Lord when I was FIVE!” Impressive eye roll of despair.
“Dating? Wait, McKay I never...”
“What? Never what John? Never said you wanted a vacation on a private island?” And the Death Glare of Doom was rapidly approaching.
“No...no I...I meant...” Stuttering, blushing. John could have sworn Rodney was the blushing virgin type. He had a feeling he was wrong.
“Meant you just wanted great sex on a Private Island with Me?”
Oh god he was losing, he was so, so totally losing this argument. Possibly because Rodney was right, but still.
“So you don’t want a vacation on a Private Island filled with fantastic sex with Me?” Rodney was like a shark smelling blood in the water.
“Um?”
“Right. I thought so. Next week work for you?”
“I’ll check my schedule.”