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Sol did everything for Vace, they had been so obvious and straightforward with him from the start. So why, why didn’t he choose them the first time? Were they just not good enough, even now that they shared a bed?
When they’re together they still hear her name slip from his lips, he thinks they can’t hear when he catches and corrects himself, but they hold onto every word that has ever come out of his mouth. That’s how much they love him, how much they wished he loved them . Yet every conversation seems to turn into an argument and seems to turn into heated passionate apologies.
Good moments between them where they get to experience beautiful moments together are becoming few and far between. Every other story has her mentioned, sometimes they’re about her, all these moments that should have been theirs if they weren’t missing what she had.
“I’ll never be the first person he thinks of, I’ll always be the second love.” it rattled in their head whenever they were together, longing to be the one. But they weren’t, and she wasn’t either. But he wanted her.
Sol could never be upset with Nemmie, never in a million years, she was innocent in all of this. Even when they helped her find her self worth and leave Vace, even with hesitance she trusted them to be safe when they confided in her about pursuing him as he was working on himself.
Nemmie had no love left for Vace, and he knew. He has never stopped thinking about every wrong he’s ever committed against her, but he would never be able to let go of the good times he can remember. They laughed, they kissed, sharing moments together he could never relive. A bond with her that he’ll never be able to mend despite all of the work he’s done and has yet to do. She deserved better, and he was not it.
But Sol gave him a chance, and opened themselves to someone who was still healing. He was by no means ready to be perfect, and they accepted every bump that they’d surely hit.
They weren’t her, they’d never be her. There was a weight in his heart that threatened to pull them both down into the depths of nothing, all because he could never give them his whole heart.
It was a wall that he’d built now, the foundation of a new him that he’s been working towards, with sturdy walls so he’d know where his home is, something solid. His new home was not fit for two, and he wished it could be. It was not fit for anyone else but himself, though Sol waited outside for him to finish all the same, hoping that maybe they could make room together.
Through every season, any weather, every fight they’ve had. They would wait until the rain eroded their own foundation and they could not bear to stand any longer.
The fights would start and seem to never finish, next day the same, and days of civility would be shown in indifferent greetings as they passed by each other.
Sol tried so hard to stop the fighting, they begged and pleaded and apologized for things they had not done- but he would only anger further as he saw his own demons coming back out. Vace was not mad at Sol, rather he was furious at himself for repeating his mistakes. The mistakes that cost him his first love, now passed onto the second. They gave him a chance and here he is again, back to square one.
Yet Sol never wanted to give up, no matter how unhappy they became they held out for him, hoping, wishing, anything. But he will never be happy until it’s her.
The way he looks to her still, even when his gaze is returned with hatred and disgust. They saw it in his eyes, a look he’s never given them, a look of love they’ve longed for and held out for, that even if in just one moment they could be the target of that gaze they would know it had all been worth it.
But he never did look at them.
Even as he apologized, and the fighting became less, he never looked at them with that same love. He loved them, but not how they loved him. They know this now.
They wanted a life with him, a family that they knew he wanted. They waited for him to ask when they would consider but he never did, even as their friends' families began to grow in numbers, they were without. Waiting for a question that would never come, for a man who would never love them in the way they wanted.
This love would never blossom, wilting before the bud could develop. The sun after a rainy season was meant to give it life, now left it burnt and withered, too hot for it to flourish and no shade for relief. The rain before was so heavy that when it stopped, no one expected the drought to follow.
Their love was a drought, with no rain in sight for relief. The ground cracked beneath them until it split.
Sol had to let him go or they would be swallowed by the dirt. They had held on so long, and so hard, but in the end they had to let go. They had to, they were the only one holding on.
They watched him find himself again, he found his shade, he had gotten his rain. He was becoming himself again. All without them.
And they too would find themselves happier again, without him. But they still loved him, they had so much love and nowhere to put it, they would never dare do to someone else what Vace did to them. They could never hate him, but they could never love someone like they loved him, like he loved her .
Maybe in their next life, they would try again, and try harder. Perhaps a hundredths times the charm.