Chapter Text
There was no suffering Remus could compare this to, the unlimited sense of loss that came from that split second. Sirius was there, until he wasn't anymore.
Being awake and aware was torture, the knowledge of Sirius’ absence was too much too bear, it hurt deep in his chest, his eyes dry of all tears as they were entirely useless.
Sleep was the only salve, collapsing after hours upon hours of painful wake gave him a moment of relief. A world of shimmering sands that shaped places out of his memories, memories of happiness when Sirius was still with him.
In that world of dust, Sirius was solid and warm, he would hold Remus close, they would walk together on the Hogwarts grounds as if they were children still, they would speak too although Remus rarely remembered what they'd said.
In a way those dreams were maybe even more cruel, though, patching him up only to send him back at the break of dawn, alone anew.
That’s how Remus stopped leaving his bed entirely, if he could sleep a few minutes more he'd see Sirius again, Sirius was flesh and blood in that realm. He was vaguely aware of the people kindly keeping his body alive but he wished they didn't, maybe he would stay in the sand realm if they just let him sleep more.
As the full moon grew closer he started feeling it in his bones both in his shorter and shorter waking moments and in his sleep. That world was shifting too, something was changing, Remus was changing.
Sirius grew alarmed then, he'd speak in hushed tones begging Remus to leave the place, to open his eyes and wake up. Remus would not.
When at last the moon was round and tall in the sky, slipping through to the realm of dreams turned out to be even easier, it lost that fuzz of sleep around the edges and it felt real under his paws. Sirius, though, now shifted into Padfoot and ran at him with a panicked whine, he nudged his snout, got up on his hind legs to push him back, away from a dark path that reminded him of those that would wind through the Forbidden Forest.
At once he knew that was the path he would need to take if he wished to bring Sirius back.
Sirius whined even more pitifully, pushing back with renewed vigour against Remus until he snapped, baring his fangs ready to attack and that's when Remus swiped back realising in that instant he’d changed into a wolf, too. Sirius pounced and Remus rolled away, using the moment to lounge down the path and run into the darkness.
Sirius is nowhere to be seen, there is only the deep black darkness and the feeling of damp earth under his paws, he can’t see, he can’t hear, he runs forward. His mind is fixed on his only goal: he can get Sirius back. He can touch him, he can bring him home if only he can keep running.
His lungs are burning and his bones are aching but he isn’t going to stop for anything in the world, he'd traverse the whole realm if it meant finding him.
The darkness opens into pure light all at once, it burns at first and then it starts getting colder and colder as the light dims, retiring into a familiar shape. The full moon that has tormented him his whole life now seems to make fun of him, it wasn't enough what it had taken from him, now it’s taking every ounce of warmth from his body and leaving behind the crack of old bones. He keeps his gaze ahead, slowing down but never stopping, never looking behind or searching for other creatures inhabiting this land.
Again the landscape changes into the Hogwarts dungeons, crawling with creatures and shadows that cling to his fur, holding him back, pulling him into the dark recesses of his memory to give him a tomb of dust.
Remus doesn't stop, he doesn't look into the classrooms, he doesn't turn left for the stairs that would take him to the Entrance Hall, he runs.
He runs until Hogwarts melts into 12 Grimmauld Place, an endless corridor where Sirius’ alienation had destroyed their hopes further than what twelve years of Azkaban could. The doors bang around him and the terrible painting screams at the top of its lungs, he can see a flash of raven hair in one room and then in another, he must not stop for that is not Sirius but only his despair.
At last he runs into the night, the chill saps his energies, the snow bites into his paws and the wind freezes his lungs but the stars shine brightly above him, glittering through the trees and leading him to a clearing where a man with eyes of stars and a woman clad in all black are in residence.
Remus' limbs give out from exhaustion, but as he rests at their feet he is not afraid, for he knows he is safe in their presence, yet he also knows this is the moment for his prayer. He sits up, dragging his paws through the snow once more, and throws his head back. He howls then, with all the force that is left in him, crying out to these immortal beings the pain of his lost love.
The man with eyes of stars turns his gaze to Remus, tilting his head to the side as he appraises the pitiful creature "The strength of your bond has tethered your lost man to my lands, wolf, so that you could meet him in your sleep… You wish for more, but that’s not easily given.” he starts, his voice soft “It's in my powers to allow him back to your world, but where your journey here was perilous and your sacrifice immense already... I can guarantee even less for your travel back." His tone is distraught, as if he’s feeling all the pain in Remus' soul at once, as if that pain were made of the same substance as himself.
Remus cries to the stars again, his voice getting weaker but not less determined.
The woman reaches out to brush the bristly fur now, sighing "Your time is coming, Remus Lupin, but it isn't here yet... I can't offer you an ending any different than what it is already, I can’t bring you to rest together because your man was never mine to take." she says quietly "But know that if you fail this journey you, too, will be lost to me... "
Remus whines in a high pitched tone, the anguish so deep he wishes he could just nuzzle into her hand and let her take him to her realm, but he cannot bear the thought of leaving Sirius in these lands forever restless.
He steps away at last and butted his head against the man's shins, growling quietly.
The man opens his cloak in a neat swish, letting it merge with the starry sky above, the faintest delineation of a door through a line of stars "Your beloved will follow you, it is not my intention to play tricks on you, but you mustn't turn until you're awake or you'll be lost forever in the liminal space of the universe. Go now."
Remus steps through.
The path turns narrow and winding, climbing up along a hill and down the other side, a steep incline peppered with sharp stones that hurt his paws. Whispers in the air try to sway him, planting seeds of doubt in his mind that crawl like vines up his limbs, trying to stop him, trying to turn his face to see if his beloved is behind him as promised, their flowers sprinkle acid pollen on his fur, awakening old scars and fears. He digs his claws in the dirt and shakes them off violently, the vines rip through his skin but he keeps walking, his eyes fixed on the drab path ahead, his gaze never leaving it despite the horrors rising from it, the shadows twist into the looming shape of Greyback, swirling away and then stretching across the road into Lily and James' corpses, a rat gnawing on their grey flesh. He recoils, the sight is so revolting he almost turns around.
"It's not them."
A rough whisper, mixed with a bark. Sirius is with him, he's really with him.
Remus keeps going, snarling at the hideous image and swiping through it with his claws, it's freezing cold like running through a ghost.
"We're going home!"
The bark comes again and Remus rushes ahead with renewed vigour, if he pays attention very closely he can hear four more paws running with him.
The sound vanishes soon after, would it be his mind playing tricks on him? Can Sirius see the path? Did he get lost?
As the hope dims, darkness multiplies and sparks more vines, their leaves razor sharp now, slipping under his fur and turning every step into excruciating agony. Maybe he could stop, let Sirius pick the razors out of his fur, let him patch him up like they would in school.
Would he take care of him when they made it out? Would he still love Remus? Would the sand realm distort his Sirius? Would he remember?
Remus howls, he cries out at the starless sky and puts one paw in front of the other. He can't doubt Sirius.
The path is turning smoky, the vines dissolve into a fog, it's all around him and he can't avoid breathing it in, it burns and prickles down his throat and into his mouth.
The air is filled with a quiet sobbing, he thinks he can recognize Harry's voice, it's distant and he can barely recognize the words "Don't leave me... Don't you dare leave, too."
Remus can't breathe, he struggles to see a few feet in front of him, he needs to find Harry.
"That's right, don't look back, he's not behind you, he's forward." Sirius barks, Remus thinks he can feel him nudging his hind legs.
The fog it's like a thick blanket over his eyes now, it seeps behind them and into his brain. He wishes he could just die but he doesn't, he keeps walking and he's not even sure he's going in the right direction.
Is he about to turn around? He must not, Harry needs him and Sirius.
The moon rises on the horizon but it doesn't warp his body, it's already mangled beyond recognition.
A silver flower blooms, trying to draw him off course with the scent of his childhood, the days before Greyback, pies in the oven and Christmas mornings with his mother.
He lowers his belly to the floor and he almost lies down, he can stay here. He can slip away. The moon can't hurt him any further.
A figure flickers behind the flower, a beautiful woman, it's like the illusion can't decide between his mother and Lily but whoever it is she looks at him with endless compassion "Don't lose yourself."
His limbs are heavy but he rises again and steps forward, at last the moon seems to have morphed into a door, the end of their journey is just there. He knows Sirius is behind him, he knows he has to get through, he knows Sirius won't abandon him.
He knows.
He doubts.
He shuts his eyes, he grinds his jaws.
He walks.
He knows.
He doubts.
He steps through
.