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She hated it. She hated every second of it. She hated the way she had to process his words and how it had actually happened, how it was not a nightmare or something her mind made up as a way to self sabotage.
After months of denying her feelings and finally realizing his true intentions towards her, they finally managed to get together over one faithful night when their undeniable sexual tension got the best of both them. Afterwards, they'd spent hours talking and learning about each other. She'd learnt how he'd lost his parents at a tender age and had to raise his sister on his own, learnt that was the reason why he seemed so closed off, afraid to trust, afraid to show vulnerability. Learnt that after fighting off his feelings towards her, he finally accepted them, but thought that she could never reciprocate. Learnt that he never truly learned how to deal with it and that was why he never let his guard down and why his fascination towards her came off as arrogance and disdain. That night, he'd learnt that she truly thought he'd hated her during the whole course of their acquaintance, and that when he made a desperate move towards her and claimed her lips on his own, she couldn't be more surprised. He'd learnt that she never accepted how truly enticing she'd found him from the beginning, especially by finding him so hard to read and struggling with the idea of having someone hate her- especially someone she was highly attracted to, but she'd never admit that out loud- when she was usually so well liked by everyone else. Until that moment, he'd been the mystery she was dying to uncover, the code she couldn't wait to crack. And when she did, the cold and mysterious Mr Darcy became someone very easy to love after all. After the night where they finally opened up to each other, they'd never truly separated. She wanted to know more and more about him, and found out that he knew her surprisingly well already. He understood her dry humor and sarcasm like no one else. He never judged her curiosity like everyone else always did, he was always happy to indulge with it- and sometimes even tease her a little about it. He appreciated her witty ways and didn't feel intimidated by her intelligence and even by her accomplishments, he genuinely admired that about her. He truly cared and always knew how to make her feel better, he was always eager to listen and always seemed to know exactly what she needed- and if he didn't, he was never afraid to ask. For the first time, the girl who was always misunderstood by everyone, found someone who could read her like a book. And now, she had no other choice but to give it all up.
A few giddy months after the beginning of their relationship, she felt as if they were in their own happy bubble. Her friends and family- who always thought him arrogant and cold- were making huge efforts to like him after they saw how happy he made her. That was, in fact, before that one infamous day that would come to haunt her forever. That day, he was with his friends and one of her own friends overheard him calling her most beloved sister Jane a "gold digger", saying he was glad he managed to free his friend from her. And when one of his friends remarked that he was dating her sister, he replied that "Elizabeth was the only decent thing that could come from that family". When her best friend, Charlotte Lucas, who had been the one to overhear the conversation, came running to tell her, of course she didn't want to believe it. She had no reason to. Her William would never do that to her, she thought. He had to know how important her family was to her, especially Jane. But then, she had no reason to think Charlotte would lie to her like that. And that was when her whole world came crashing down at her feet.
The rumor spread quickly, and when she came to confront him about it, not knowing which one of the parties she'd rather be betrayed by, her intelligent William Darcy found himself at a loss for words. He'd just said it was true, and she could feel the pang of regret and embarrassment coming from him that moment. The only thing she managed to ask was "Why?". All of her emotions took over. She felt angry, angry with herself, angry with him- the man she came to love so deeply that she felt she didn't know anymore. Even angry with Charlotte, for almost wishing she hadn't told her. For the first time, the curious Elizabeth Bennet realized that ignorance really was bliss. He'd said "Lizzy-", she'd cut him off, "Do you regret it?" she said. "Deeply," he responded. "You don't regret what you said, do you? You regret that I found out about it, you regret the way it hurt me". And when he didn't make a response for that, she found out everything she needed to know.
Except she didn't, she came to realize. She felt that she had been in a stranger's bed this whole time after finding out about this. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that this man- the one who seemed to know her better than anyone else- managed to say something like that. Knowing how deeply she cared about her family. He always seemed to have answers to all of her problems, then how come he became one himself? And the worst of all was that all she wanted to do was run to him. She felt a deep urge to run to his arms and let him comfort her. She wanted to fall asleep tangled with him in his sheets and only wake up when everything was fixed. She wanted him to kiss it better. Except she couldn't. This was all his fault, it was all on him. She couldn't love him anymore because of him. Suddenly, she felt as if she'd lost everything.
She desperately wanted to let him fix it, but she couldn't look at his face. Not when she'd once kissed the mouth whose tongue managed cut her open with the words he said. Not when the eyes that used to look at her so lovingly were also the ones who showed her the truth so abruptly. She once saw them looking at her with love, but now her mind is haunted by the vision of the same pair of eyes clouded with guilt. And she couldn't have that become her last memory of him. Maybe one day she'd let him try to fix it and kiss her tears away. But not now, not when she was the ash from his fire. Maybe one day she'd let him love her, the broken drum who had beaten her heart. For once, the brave Lizzy didn't know what to do, her ground was frozen from the winless fight he became. All she knew was that his faithless love was the only hoax she believed in, and that would have to do for now.