Chapter Text
“Oh, thank goodness you’re the first one here.”
Beatrice sat alone at a bar she had never been in, nursing a seltzer with lime. It was a Thursday, and she had class the next morning, so she swore she wouldn’t be drinking tonight.
Camila was about to change all of that.
The group chat said to meet here at nine. Beatrice arrived, as she always did, punctually. She didn’t mind waiting for her friends, who usually ranged from five to forty minutes late. She knew that Camila would be here soon enough. Lilith would follow right after, the two never far apart. If Shannon wasn’t with her, Mary would be the latest. If the two were together, it would be Ava.
She was swirling her straw in her drink, letting the ice cool the fizzy beverage, when Camila grabbed her shoulder. Beatrice went to greet her, then paused, frowning. Camila looked frazzled.
“Camila? What’s wrong?”
Camila took the seat next to her, reaching for Beatrice’s hands. She let her take them, even though the gesture felt foreign to her. She wasn’t a touchy person, and all of her friends–except for Ava–seemed to respect that boundary.
“Before I tell you, promise you won’t hate me.”
Now she was beginning to worry. “Okay.”
“Promise.”
“Okay, I promise. What happened?”
Camila chewed on the side of her lip, then took a deep breath and rushed out a whirlwind of words. “I may have, completely by accident, told Ava you had feelings for her.”
“You – you what?” Her jaw dropped as her brain struggled to catch up. “What do you mean ‘may have?’”
“Okay, so I definitely did.” Beatrice’s eyes widened, and Camila hurried to continue. “But – but I made it better! Sort of. I told her you used to have feelings for her, but you’re – you know, over it now.”
Beatrice blinked, mouth still open. She shook her head. “How is that better?!”
“I don’t know! I don’t know, it just felt right.” Camila grimaced. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really, sorry, and if you want me to – I don’t know, tell her it was a prank, or that I’m in love with her too so it doesn’t seem so–”
“Camila,” Beatrice stopped her, holding up a hand. “It’s fine.”
“It – it is?”
Beatrice nodded. “It’ll be fine.” She wasn’t sure where the serenity was coming from, but she couldn’t bear to see Camila this distressed. “I’ll… I’ll tell her it was a long time ago. I’m over it. Nothing has to change, and we’ll still be best friends.”
“Right.” Camila gave her a weak smile. “It’ll all be fine.”
Beatrice nodded again, brain still feeling slightly numb.
Then, one last time, for good measure: “It’ll be fine.”
Camila’s anxious energy deflated. “And you’re not mad?”
“I’m not. I’m sure you didn’t mean to say anything.”
Last time I tell Camila a secret, she thought to herself.
“I didn’t, I swear, and – oh god, she’s here.” Beatrice whirled around to find Ava standing near the entrance, Lilith next to her. She was unusually early, typically preferring to show up ‘fashionably late.’ Beatrice watched as she glanced around the room, gaze finally landed on Beatrice at the bar. Ava froze for a moment, staring ahead with wide eyes before she raised a hand in a wave.
“I’m…gonna go say hi to Lilith,” Camila announced, but Beatrice barely heard her.
She knows, Beatrice thought.
Lord have mercy, Ava knows.
Ava’s smile only shone about ninety percent as bright as usual as she approached Beatrice, her hands tucked behind her back. “Bea, hey.”
“Hello.” Beatrice’s voice was unusually high-pitched. “How are you?”
“Good!” Ava leaned against the bar. “What were you and Camila talking about?”
Beatrice blinked. “Uh. Politics.”
“Politics?” Ava scrunched up her nose. Adorable, Beatrice noted, but now was not the time.
“Yep, the um, elections.” She was quite certain there were no elections happening right now that would come up in a conversation with Camila. She was banking on Ava being unaware of this fact.
“And these elections…” Ava quirked her head to the side. “They’re making you blush…why?”
“I, uh–”
Beatrice was saved by a miracle in the form of the bartender walking over to stand in front of Ava.
“Oh, hi! A tequila shot, please?” Ava asked.
“Make that two.”
Ava turned to her with a shocked grin. “Oh my god. For real?”
“Don’t bring God into this.” Beatrice had made it a rule to never drink in front of Ava, not wanting to say something that she might regret. But she had a feeling that tonight, she was going to need it. “But yes. For real.”
The bartender put their drinks in front of them, and Ava picked them both up, handing one to Beatrice. She raised her shot glass, waiting for Beatrice to clink the other one against it before drinking. Ava downed the shot, tossing her head back as she swallowed, and Beatrice watched as her throat bobbed.
When Ava’s eyes returned to her, there was a glint to them that Beatrice didn’t recognize. Then she realized that still was holding her shot in her hand, and quickly threw it back.
“Ugh.” She schooled her face to remain neutral. “Tequila.”
Ava laughed. “Then why did you order it?”
“Peer pressure.” The bartender came to collect their glasses, and Beatrice raised a hand. “A cuba libre, please?”
“Make that two.” Ava flashed her a grin. She looked over at Beatrice and waggled her eyebrows. “Peer pressure, amirite?”
Beatrice felt the flush from the alcohol already coloring her cheeks – at least, that’s what she would say if Ava called her out for a second time.
But apparently, Ava had other ideas of how to embarrass her. “So, I’m assuming Camila told you about our…conversation.”
Beatrice choked on her drink.
“Oh, shit, sorry!”
“No, no, I’m fine.” Beatrice coughed once to clear her throat. When she looked back at Ava, she found her watching her expectantly. “Yeah. She did mention it. We don’t have to talk about it, though.”
“We don’t?” Ava asked, raising her eyebrows.
“It was a long time ago.”
“How long?” Ava tilted her head. She had a small smile, the kind she wore when she was teasing Beatrice.
At least she isn’t upset about it.
“Oh, um–” Beatrice blew out a breath, as if she was racking her brain to remember an insignificant fact, in reality struggling to come up with a convincing enough lie. Beatrice wished she had gotten to talk to Camila more about just what exactly had been said to Ava. “When we first met. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Crush on your freshman roommate, huh?” Ava asked, smiling teasingly into her glass before she took a sip. “Classic.”
“So… you’re not mad?” The alcohol was already settling, warm in her stomach, and the words were out before she could stop them.
“Mad?” Ava asked. “Why would I be mad?”
“I’m…not entirely sure.” Beatrice had run through this conversation a thousand times in her head. Sometimes, the scenario ended with Ava telling her they couldn’t be friends anymore. Sometimes, it ended in a way that would make Beatrice blush to think about. Either way, she never pictured it being this casual.
“It’s cool.”
“It’s – it’s ‘cool?’”
Ava shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, I used to have a ridiculous crush on you too, so I guess we’re even, right?”
Beatrice’s jaw fell open for what felt like the tenth time that night. “What? When?”
“Oh, you know, back in–” Ava’s eyes found something over Beatrice’s shoulder, and she perked up. “Oh, Mary’s here! Hey, birthday girl!”
And she was gone.
/
Beatrice downed the rest of her drink and ordered another–one cuba libre, one whiskey – before she went over to greet Mary.
“Happy birthday.” Beatrice held out the drink. “First round is on me.”
Ava grinned. “Oh, yes! Dibs on second.”
Mary ducked her head. “You guys really don’t have to–”
“We want to,” Lilith insisted. “Third.”
Mary knew better than to fight Lilith on this (or anything else, for that matter), so she just shrugged and took a large swig, downing nearly the entire glass in one go. “Well, I’m not going to argue my way out of free drinks.”
“Yes!” Ava bounced up on her toes. “Come on!” She grabbed Mary’s arm and led her over to the bar. Beatrice was surprised that Mary let Ava touch her, but supposed that maybe Ava just had that effect on people. It certainly worked on her.
Lilith followed them, but Camila grabbed Beatrice’s arm, forcing her to stay behind.
“You guys talked?” she asked, voice low in a whisper. Her eyes were wide and kept darting over to Ava at the bar. “Everything is good?”
“Yes. Everything is fine.” Beatrice’s voice was annoyingly high-pitched.
Camila sighed, relieved. “Thank god. What did she say?”
“She, um…” Beatrice took a moment to stir her drink. Maybe she shouldn’t be telling Camila this, considering the breach of trust that had happened just hours ago. But, she’d had two drinks in short succession and was already tipsy. She needed to tell someone. “She said she used to have a crush on me too.”
Camila’s mouth dropped open as she squealed. “Oh my goodness! Are you two gonna–”
“No.” Beatrice cut her off with a firm shake of her head. “Nope. She said ‘used to.’ Past tense.”
“Beatrice, you have to be kidding.” Camila looked at her sternly. “You’re telling me the girl you’ve been in love with for years–” Beatrice shushed her, glancing around, but their friends were still at the bar. “Years tells you she had feelings for you and you’re…what? Just going to let that slide?”
“Yes. She called it a ‘ridiculous crush,’ and said it was in the past. It was probably some – I don’t know, some straight girl thing.”
“Don’t be so dismissive, Beatrice–” Camila started again, but Beatrice shook her head.
“I’m not going to risk it.” Beatrice sighed. “Ava is far too important to me to let something like this get in the way. I told her it was a long time ago, she said it was ‘cool,’ and that’s the end of that.”
“You’re insufferable,” Camila grumbled. “But fine. I won’t push you.”
“Thank you.” Beatrice watched as their friends did a round of shots together. “Now, if you don’t mind, I could use another drink.”
“Where’s Shannon?” Camila asked.
“Couldn’t get out of work.” Mary needed to shout over the noise of the bar. Beatrice wondered just how many drinks her friends had already bought her. “But she has something special planned for me at home.”
“Gross.” Lilith wrinkled her nose in disgust, but Ava beamed.
“I think it’s sweet.” Ava’s voice was soft and full of something Beatrice couldn’t quite place. “Romance isn’t dead.”
“It’s definitely not,” Camila agreed, looking between Ava and Beatrice.
Beatrice tried to remind herself that she loved Camila, that strangling her would be a very mean, bad, no good thing to do, and forced a smile.
/
Beatrice didn’t get to be alone with Ava for the rest of the night, a fact that she was more and more okay with the more drinks that were passed her way.
“We’re gonna call a cab, get this one home.” Camila was doing her best to hold a swaying Mary steady.
Camila and Lilith shared an apartment a few minutes away from campus, and Mary and Shannon lived not far from them. Ava and Beatrice still lived in the dorms, though not in the same room, or even the same building anymore.
“Are you two good? Want a ride?”
Beatrice glanced at her watch. It was just past midnight, much later than she’d intended on staying out. She really should accept a ride home, save herself the ten minutes it would take to get back to campus, but she shook her head.
“I’ll walk.” Beatrice knew she needed the few minutes walk in fresh air to clear her mind, regain some of her sobriety.
She hadn’t considered that Ava might chime in, “Me too.”
There was a sidewalk along the road that led back towards campus, and they walked side-by-side despite the narrowness of the path. Ava’s shoulder bumped into hers what felt to Beatrice to be every other step, and after the fifth time it happened Ava grinned up at her sheepishly.
“Sorry.” Ava’s cheeks were pink, her eyes a bit too glassy to be shining just from happiness. “World’s a little wobbly tonight.”
“I think that might just be you.” Beatrice didn’t mind. Ava was an adorably cheerful drunk, unlike Beatrice. “You can hold on to me, if you’d like.”
Her hands were in her pockets, so Ava settled for lacing her arm through Beatrice’s as an anchor. She leaned her head against Beatrice’s shoulder and sighed.
“Much better.”
They took a shortcut through the bushes behind the humanities building, a well worn path used by students too lazy to go through the main entrance. It brought them to a fork, with Beatrice’s building down on one end and Ava’s down the other.
Without stopping to consider it, Beatrice started walking towards Ava’s building.
“Hey, wait. Aren’t you that way?” Ava nodded towards the other path.
“Yeah.” She didn’t want to part ways with Ava while she was quite this tipsy. She’d much rather take the extra five minutes out of her night to get her home safe. “Is it okay if I walk with you? It’s…it’s really nice out.”
“Sure.” Ava reached out for Beatrice once more. “Tonight was fun. I think Mary had a good time.”
“Definitely.” Her mind was having a hard time not backtracking to their conversation at the bar, to Ava saying that, at some point in time, her feelings hadn’t been entirely unrequited, though she still thought that Ava’s feelings and her own feelings were probably of a completely different magnitude. She wanted to ask her for more details, but knew that the answers would probably leave deeper holes in her heart than the questions could ever, so she bit her tongue.
They arrived in front of Ava’s building, mostly quiet except for a group smoking cigarettes out on the steps, too tired to bother walking to the designated smoking area a few dozen feet away.
“Well, this is me.” Ava detached from Beatrice momentarily to look up at her. Then Ava’s arms circled tightly around Beatrice’s neck in a hug that lasted for nearly ten seconds, Beatrice counting each one. She held her breath the entire time, refusing the drunken want to bury her nose in Ava’s hair. She did, however, hug back, letting her arms wrap loosely around Ava’s torso.
When it was over, Ava sat back on her heels to look Beatrice in the face. “Thank you for walking me home.” Her eyes dragged down Beatrice’s face, and for a second, she thought–but no, her eyes kept drifting downwards, until they reached the ground, and then Ava was shaking her head and laughing at something Beatrice didn’t understand.
“Night, Bea.”
She stood on her toes again and pressed a soft kiss to Beatrice’s cheek. It wasn’t the first time she’d done it, but it was the first time Beatrice had ever been drunk for the experience. She hoped Ava didn’t notice the way she swayed forward as the smaller girl pulled away, not wanting the moment to pass.
“Goodnight,” Beatrice called as Ava walked away, her voice distant to her own ears.
/
Beatrice woke from sleep with a shock. She knew immediately that she had overslept. Normally she awoke as the sun rose, her east-facing window rendering an alarm useless. That morning, it was already bright. She was going to be late.
Beatrice sprang from the bed, barely sparing a glance at her clock on her nightstand before rushing out of the room. She had less than twenty minutes before she needed to be in class, and the building was just about as far as she could’ve gotten from her dorm. She splashed water on her face, brushed her teeth, and ran down the hall back to her single.
Beatrice hadn’t missed a class all semester, and she wasn’t about to start now, just two weeks before graduation. She quickly picked out an outfit and began packing her bookbag, cursing her choice to have that third (or maybe fourth) drink the night before.
Just as she was about ready to leave, her phone dinged.
8:48, Beatrice noted as she pulled it out of her pocket. She had managed to make it with just enough time to get there, if she hurried. She unlocked the screen to see two unread message notifications, and clicked the green icon.
Beatrice dropped her phone on the bed, staring at it in shock. She rubbed her eyes before she picked it up again and reread the text on the screen.
ava <3 [2:21 a.m.] don’t you think it’s weird that we’ve never kissed lol
ava <3 [8:47 a.m.] bea?
“Nope.” Beatrice shook her head. She was not awake enough for this, and she wouldn’t be awake enough for this anytime soon, considering she had long slept past her chance for coffee before her nine o’clock class.
She walked out of her room, leaving her phone where it sat on the middle of her bedspread.
/
Class was unproductive. The professor, it turned out, was absent that day, so it was led by a TA who didn’t even bother to take attendance. Beatrice could’ve done a better job giving the lecture herself, but she was grateful for the assistant’s disorganization and uneven pacing when it gave her time to think.
don’t you think it’s weird that we’ve never kissed
Even without her phone on her, she kept seeing the words on the screen every time her mind drifted. Beatrice shook her head. Ava must’ve still been drunk when she’d sent that message, barely an hour after Beatrice had seen her to her building’s door. She shouldn’t read too much into it. It didn’t necessarily mean that Ava thought it was weird that they’d never kissed, right?
And if Ava did think it was weird that they’ve never kissed, did that mean that Ava wanted to kiss her?
Beatrice groaned, dropping her head into her hands. This was stupid. She was spiraling over a drunk text from a most likely straight friend who probably just thought that kissing a girl would be a fun thing to try. After all, a “ridiculous crush” could be anything. At the very least, it didn’t sound like it was something significant, otherwise Ava wouldn’t have admitted to it so cavalierly. Ava was the kind of person who crushed on everyone. Beatrice wasn’t special.
Her thoughts went around the same dizzying track over and over again.
By the time she sat down for lunch late that morning, her mind was still reeling. She pulled out her textbook, knowing she’d skipped out on her reading the night before, but was unable to get through even a single page.
“This seat taken?”
Beatrice looked up to find Ava standing in front of the chair next to her. It wasn’t a surprise – she ate lunch here with her friends just about every day. What was surprising was the timid look on Ava’s face, revealing the sincerity in her question.
“Sorry, I’m waiting for a friend.” Ava faltered for a moment, and Beatrice rolled her eyes. “It’s you, Ava, I’m waiting for you.”
“Oh, good.”
Ava sat down, hands clasped in front of her on the table, and Beatrice knew she was in immediate trouble. “Bea…I’m sorry, that was like, super inappropriate of me to text you that, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I was just drunk, and you walked me home and you looked so–”
“Ava.” Beatrice held up her hands to stop her. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. I didn’t respond because I left my phone in my room this morning before class.”
She left out the part where she did it on purpose, but what Ava didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
“You…oh.” Ava deflated. “Phew. That’s good. Maybe just, like, ignore all the messages I sent you today, then?”
“Depends.” Beatrice crossed her arms. “How many messages are we talking about?”
“A slightly embarrassing but totally respectable eight to ten, maybe?” Beatrice couldn’t hold in her laugh, and Ava threw up her hands. “What? I was nervous, I thought you were gonna be mad at me.”
“Never.” Beatrice meant it. She couldn’t imagine being mad at Ava. “Besides, you were drunk. You didn’t mean anything by it.”
Ava hesitated, then nodded. “Right.”
With the lull in conversation, Beatrice turned back to her reading. She normally would have woken up early this morning and done the reading before class, but, well…she had made a few bad choices the night before.
“Did you ever think about it, though?”
Beatrice looked up to find Ava looking at her seriously.
“Think about it?” she repeated, and Ava raised her eyebrows. Beatrice’s mouth went dry when she realized that Ava was talking about them, kissing. “Yeah, I have…considered it.”
Way, way too much.
Ava shifted forward in her seat, leaning on her elbows and lowering her voice. “I think we would’ve been good at it.”
Beatrice’s brain slowed to a crawl. “Good at…”
“Kissing.” Ava sat back and took a bite of her french fry.
“Uh oh, what are you two talking about?”
Beatrice sat straight up, looking at Shannon and Mary, who seemed to have appeared out of thin air. “Oh, uh–” Beatrice fumbled, looking over to Ava for help. Ava, for once in her life, was speechless. She didn’t have time to think – she said the first thing that came to mind. “We were talking about how I’ve–I’ve never kissed anyone.”
“Really?” Ava asked. “I mean–yeah, yes, that’s what we were talking about.”
“Seriously?” Mary sat down. “I mean, I know even I’ve seen girls check you out. You’ve never made a move?”
Beatrice shrugged. “Well, I mean, I technically kissed this guy when I was fifteen, but I don't really count that.”
It had been one of her last-ditch efforts to convince herself that she didn’t have to be gay, she could do what her parents wanted and date boys, get married, have children–the usual pipeline for women in her family. It didn’t go well. Even when she had accepted the fact that there was no changing who she was, she couldn’t exactly go out on dates with girls while living at her parents house. And, since arriving at college, she’d been completely and totally in love with her best friend, which brought her here, to this mortifying moment in the dining hall.
“I don’t blame you,” Mary said.
“Hello, my friends! How are we today?” Camila arrived with Lilith in tow, sitting at the last two open seats at the table.
Shannon nodded towards Beatrice. “Bea’s never kissed anyone.”
“Oh.” Camila smiled over at her. “That’s really sweet. You’re just waiting for the right person. Your first kiss should be super romantic.”
Beatrice shot her a glare, knowing exactly who she was thinking Beatrice should kiss.
“But that ends this weekend.” Shannon had a dangerous glint in her eye. “We’re going out, and we’re gonna find you someone to kiss.”
“Oh, I don’t think we have to do that, right? I mean, there’s no rush.” Camila looked between Beatrice and Ava. Beatrice wished she would be just a little less obvious, but no one else seemed to notice.
Maybe playing matchmaker would make her feel less guilty about the whole, told-my-friends-deepest-secret thing.
“It’ll be fun.” Mary looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “If Beatrice is down.”
Ava was looking at her strangely, face unreadable but eyes laser-focused on Beatrice.
“Okay.” Beatrice broke away from Ava’s stare. “Sure. Why not? Let’s do it.”
/
They agreed to meet at Camila and Lilith’s apartment, since they lived the closest to where the party Shannon picked out would be. Beatrice was, as usual, the first one there.
Lilith barely waited until the door was closed behind her before she frowned. “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Beatrice looked at her outfit, which consisted of her usual dark sweater and baggy black pants. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Oh, nothing.” Camila scrunched her mouth to the side as she looked Beatrice up and down. “If you’re looking to blend into a crowd. Tonight’s about standing out.”
“Come on,” Lilith said. “You can borrow something of mine.”
Lilith had known Beatrice in small ways since she was a child. Their parents ran in the same circles, though they never really became friends until college. Even now, they never hung out one-on-one. She’d never even been in Lilith’s room. Beatrice realized as Lilith shut the door behind her.
Her eyes took in the candles placed on just about every surface in the room, and the large bed loaded with plush pillows in the center. The room was neat, clean, without many decorations except for a few pictures stuck into the frame of her mirror. From here, she could recognize one of them as a group from when they went on a ski trip the year before. Another, of Camila, smiling widely with an arm slung around Lilith. Beatrice wondered, not for the first time, if she wasn’t the only one in love with her best friend. Maybe they could bond over it one day.
She doubted it.
“Here.” Lilith emerged from her closet with several hangers. “I doubt you’d fit into my pants, so those will have to do. But this–” she held up a low-cut dark red shirt that Beatrice would never dream of owning – “and this.” She passed her a black bomber jacket.
“Leather? Isn’t it a bit warm for that?”
“It's faux, and trust me,” Lilith said. “You’ll look good.”
“Okay.” Beatrice was already uncomfortable just looking at it. “I’ll try them on.”
Lilith left her alone in the room. Beatrice took her time changing, first pulling off her sweater, immediately missing the comfortable bulk of it on her chest. The shirt Lilith picked out for her didn’t go as low as she thought it would, though it still did a pretty good job of highlighting how flat her chest was in comparison to someone like Lilith’s. It wasn’t that Beatrice minded–she liked her body just fine–but it felt a little silly to show all that skin without something there. She pulled the jacket over it, surprised when it was much lighter than she’d anticipated.
Someone knocked, and without thinking, Beatrice answered.
“Come in.”
She heard the door open, then a soft, “Oh.” Beatrice turned to find Ava standing in the doorway. “Sorry, Lilith said she wanted me to help her with something.”
Lilith appeared as if summoned, breezing past Ava and stopping in front of Beatrice. She looked her up and down, then nodded. “Good. She looks hot, right Ava?”
“Yeah.” Beatrice felt the beginnings of a blush creep up her neck. “Definitely.”
“Okay then. Ava, you do her makeup,” Lilith instructed. “I’ll be downstairs.”
“Oh, um–” Ava started, but Lilith was already crossing the room.
The door shut soundly behind her.
“You don’t have to,” Beatrice rushed out. She didn’t want Ava to feel obligated, just because Lilith had apparently adopted Shanon’s mission to get Beatrice a kiss that night.
“I want to. Do you mind?” Ava asked. “I think you’d look nice. We don’t have to do too much if you’re not comfortable.”
“Okay,” Beatrice said dumbly. She sat down on the bed, watching as Ava walked over to Lilith’s vanity and grabbed a small drawstring bag. She rifled through it, pulling out a few things as Beatrice waited, suddenly second guessing why she was letting this happen.
Ava walked over to the bed. “Scooch back.”
“Okay.” Beatrice moved a few inches without asking why. She wasn’t expecting Ava to throw one leg and then the other over hers, straddling her on the bed. “Perfect.”
Beatrice’s mind went blank as Ava leaned forward, brushing her fingertips against her cheek.
“I don’t think she has anything that matches your skin tone, but your skin is flawless anyway.” Ava smiled. “Besides, I would hate to cover up these freckles.”
“Okay.” Beatrice had apparently forgotten how to speak any of the million other words in the English language.
“Lilith’s the one who taught me how to do makeup, you know.” Ava unscrewed a bottle. “I didn’t think we were going to be friends at first, but…I think I grew on her.”
She leaned forward, one hand steadying herself against the bare skin of Beatrice’s collarbone, and a low heat radiated out from her touch. Suddenly, she understood the appeal of the shirt she’d borrowed from Lilith, and promised never to doubt her friend again.
“Close your eyes,” Ava said, and Beatrice did so immediately. She felt a cool pressure on her eyelids as Ava drew on the liner, then a soft rush of air as she could only assume Ava blew on her eyelids to dry. “Good.”
Beatrice opened her eyes again.
Big mistake.
Ava was only inches away, a small smile toying at her lips. Beatrice blinked several times, trying to think of something, anything, to do or say.
“Sorry, did I get some in your eye?” Ava asked, worried.
“No.” Beatrice’s voice was unnaturally shaky. “I’m just…sensitive.”
“Okay,” Ava said. “Well, I won’t do much more. Just…here.”
She picked up a tube of something off the bed, and Beatrice realized with horror that it was lip gloss. She almost offered to do it herself, but Ava was quick, brushing the swab against her lips twice before Beatrice even registered it.
“Go like this.” Ava rubbed her lips together and watched as Beatrice did the same. She reached forward and swiped at the bottom of Beatrice’s lip to catch a bit of gloss that had gathered there.
Her whole world screeched to a stop, as Ava’s thumb lingered against her for a second too long.
“There.” Ava’s voice was barely there. “Beautiful.”
Then she was up, bounding towards the door. “Lilith, come look!” she shouted, and Beatrice knew that tonight would be the death of her.
/
Beatrice could count on one hand the number of parties she’d been to since she came to school, almost all of them courtesy of Ava their freshman year. It was unsurprising to her that this one was just as awful as all the others.
For one thing, there was the noise. Everyone at these things was loud, shouting over music, each other, and their lost inhibitions. After a few hours, the entire house smelled like cheap beer and sweat. And there was never anyone she knew, except for Ava, who Beatrice typically insisted should go off and do her own thing. At the end of the night, they’d reunite, and when Ava asked if Beatrice had fun, she’d force a smile and say yes.
In reality, this usually left Bea standing against a wall and waiting for Ava to be ready to go, the same way she was doing now. She watched as Shannon and Mary danced in the middle of the room, laughing at nothing. They were sickeningly cute sometimes, though she was sure Mary would kill her if she ever said that out loud. Her eyes next found Lilith, sitting on a couch talking to a guy Beatrice didn’t recognize, while Camila sat on the arm of the couch, dangerously close to falling into Lilith’s lap. Which just left…
“Hey, stranger.” Beatrice looked up to find Ava standing in front of her, holding a beer. “What are you doing?”
Beatrice shrugged. “People watching.”
“Sounds thrilling.” Ava sounded anything but thrilled. “What happened to operation first kiss?”
“Oh, that.” Beatrice shrugged with one shoulder, looking back out over the crowd. “I don’t know.”
“You’re not even going to try?”
Beatrice let out a long breath. She wasn’t good at making new friends, nevermind making new–well, she didn’t quite know what to call a random stranger who she planned to kiss at a party, but she wasn't good at making those either.
“I’m not even sure where I would start.”
“Come on, Bea. There’s plenty of girls at this party who would love to kiss you.”
“Yeah?” Beatrice asked, her mouth feeling like it was full of cotton. “Like who?”
“Hm…” Ava made an exaggerated show of looking around the room. She gestures with her beer. “That girl’s been watching you all night.”
When Beatrice looked in the direction Ava indicated, she found that there was, in fact, a woman looking directly back at her. She was pretty, with curly dark hair and a warm, tempting smile that was currently aimed directly at Beatrice.
“Oh no. She saw us looking.”
“She did.” Ava’s eyes widened. “Oh, yep, and now she’s coming over here. I’m going to go, uh – grab another beer in the kitchen. Hold this for me?”
Ava shoved her still-mostly-full can into Beatrice’s hands and practically vanished out of sight.
“Hey there,” she heard from behind her. She knew before she turned that she would find the beautiful woman standing there, but she still wasn’t ready.
“Hello.” Beatrice hoped she didn’t sound as awkward as she felt. “Are you enjoying the party?”
“It’s not bad.” The woman smiled. “Could be better.”
“That’s…that’s good.” How was she supposed to do this? To go from awkward small talk to kissing seemed…impossible.
“How about you?”
“It’s fine. Nice.” Beatrice glanced around. “I don’t really come to these things often.”
“I was thinking that I haven’t seen you around. You’re not a freshman, right?”
“Senior.”
“Good. Me too. I’m Luisa, by the way.”
“Beatrice.” She offered out her hand. The woman glanced down at it before taking it.
“You’re very…contained.” Luisa paused for thought as she looked Beatrice up and down, as if examining her. Beatrice squirmed, unsure of what to do with the attention. “Do you ever let loose?”
“I’m trying.” She made a conscious effort to relax her shoulders from where they were pinned back in her normally perfect posture. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Maybe I could help with that.”
Beatrice swallowed. This woman was incredibly forward. “Maybe.”
“You know, your friend keeps looking over here. Or is she your girlfriend?”
Beatrice looked towards where Luisa had nodded, and caught Ava’s eye across the room. Her stomach twisted with guilt.
“Not my girlfriend, no.” Beatrice watched as Ava shot her a smile before ducking her head and disappearing into the crowd. “Just my best friend.”
“Good,” Luisa said. “So, she won’t mind if I do this.”
Luisa leaned in, and Beatrice panicked. The next thing she knew, her hand was pressing against Luisa’s chest as she backed away, directly into the person standing behind her.
“I’m sorry.” Beatrice’s heart was about to pummel its way out of her ribcage. “I–I can’t.”
“Oh.” Luisa pulled away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“No, no, it’s not your fault.” Beatrice wished she could disappear into the floor. “You’re lovely, and I wanted–I want–but I just can’t.”
She was walking away before she could deal with the fallout. She found herself in the kitchen, and chugged the rest of Ava’s abandoned beer before she pulled out another one. Her hands were shaking. Her face was hot, flush, and she was too aware of the noises of the party around her.
Why did I freak out like that?
Beatrice heard a roar from the other room and looked towards the sliding glass door that led, hopefully, to a quiet back yard. She just needed a few minutes of silence, and then she could maybe apologize to Luisa for acting crazy. Maybe the night wasn’t ruined.
All the warmth of the spring day disappeared after sunset, and Beatrice shivered as she stepped out into the night. Summer was just around the corner, and with it, graduation. She took a deep breath, trying to ground herself from the panic that had nearly consumed her inside.
It took Beatrice all of five seconds to realize that she wasn’t alone.
“Bea?”
Ava was sitting on the edge of the deck, craning her neck to look at her. So, this was where she had disappeared to. It was just her luck that she would run away from her first kiss straight into the reason why she couldn’t go through with it.
“What happened? Are you okay?”
Beatrice took a steadying breath. “Yes. Sorry, it was just…a bit loud, in there.”
“No kidding.” Ava used her hands to push off the ground, standing so she could be closer to Beatrice. She seemed to have an incessant need to be in Beatrice’s personal space. Most times she wouldn’t complain, but her heart was still racing from the interaction inside, and Ava’s proximity was bound to make it worse. “I don’t think I’ll be able to talk tomorrow from all this shouting.”
Beatrice nodded, her heart thudding at the slight rasp to Ava’s voice. Certainly not helping things.
Ava took a step closer. “I saw you talking to that girl. Seemed like you really hit it off.”
Beatrice nodded. “Luisa,” she supplied. “She was…nice.”
“Nice as in potential study buddy, or nice as in mission accomplished?”
Beatrice dropped her gaze, shaking her head. “No, I–she tried, actually, and I just…couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“It didn’t feel right.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” Ava sounded truly sad about it. “Maybe I picked the wrong girl. We should head back inside, maybe–”
“No.” Beatrice rolled her lips together. “It just felt so… impersonal. I don’t think I can be the kind of person who kisses a stranger at a party.”
What is wrong with me?
Beatrice had done the hard work. She thought she was finished with it, that she was okay with who she was, that she had finally accepted herself. But then why couldn’t she kiss a pretty woman at a party? Why was she so uncomfortable with the idea of this stranger wanting her? This is what she’d always wanted, always dreamed of when she was younger, when she was forced to deny who she was. And now…it felt like the furthest thing from what she wanted.
She was so lost in thought that she almost missed it when Ava sidled up next to her, voice soft and earnest.
“You know, you could kiss me.”
Beatrice’s entire body went cold, then extremely, unbearably hot in a matter of seconds once her brain caught up to what she’d just heard.
“I could–what?”
“Kiss me. Why not?” Ava shrugged, like what she was suggesting was the most simple thing–obvious, really, when you thought about it. “I’m not a stranger. If you can’t kiss some rando, then…you should kiss me.”
In a way, it did seem obvious. It made sense on paper. Ava wasn’t some stranger, she was her best friend. And as such, she was willing to do Beatrice a favor, one she was probably very, very skilled at, knowing Ava.
Ava swayed slightly forward, bringing her face into the dim porch light, and Beatrice was briefly captivated with how blown her pupils were as she stepped out of the dark. It felt dangerous, thrilling, and Beatrice leaned a little closer before she thought better of it.
If she said yes, she wasn’t sure she would ever recover. But if she said no, Ava might want a reason, and what could she say? I’m so incredibly, stupidly in love with you that I think kissing you would seal my fate and ruin me for anyone else?
This was all amplified by the fact that she really, really did not want to say no.
“Are you drunk?” Beatrice felt the need to ask.
“What?” Ava laughed, though there was a hint of hurt underneath. “No! I just…want to help out my best friend.”
“Okay,” she decided.
Ava raised her eyebrows, pursing her lips. “Okay?”
Beatrice nodded. She couldn't quite bring herself to say the words kiss me, but Ava seemed to get the message, anyway. Her arm wound around the back of Beatrice’s neck, anchoring her as she stood up on her toes to bring her face an inch away from Beatrice’s. All the while, Ava’s eyes hadn’t left her lips.
“Can I?”
Beatrice felt powerless to say no, not that she would have even if she could summon the strength. She couldn’t find the will to say anything at all, as a matter of fact. She just nodded dumbly again, holding herself as still as possible. Ava’s nose brushed against her own as she tilted her head and brought their lips together.
The kiss was impossibly gentle, Ava’s lips pliant and patient against her own. She felt Ava’s fingers trace against her jaw, a thumb stroking against her cheekbone. It was soft, gentle, and Beatrice melted into it after a second of not knowing what to do with her body. Her hands found Ava’s hips, pulling her closer, wanting to be as near as physically possible to Ava. She heard–felt–Ava take a sharp breath in through her nose as Beatrice’s fingers dug into her waist.
She was vibrating, feeling everything at once–her lips pressed against Ava’s, her hands on Ava’s hips, the barely-there space between their bodies. The kiss lasted only a few seconds.
Or, at least, the first kiss lasted only a few seconds. The second seemed to go on forever.
Ava broke away first, drawing a long shaky breath in through her mouth. Beatrice didn’t let her get more than an inch apart, before she was chasing after her lips. It felt greedy, but more than that, it felt right, especially when Ava’s hand moved to the back of her head and raked strong fingers through her hair.
Something inside her broke, the world tilted, shifted and shattered as the kiss became fervent and searching. Ava’s mouth moved as easily as water against hers, her body arching so they were pressed together in a way that stole the breath from Beatrice’s lungs, leaving her gasping. Ava took the opportunity without hesitation, her tongue tracing the curve of Beatrice’s lip. Her hands fell to Beatrice’s neck, and she wondered, briefly embarrassed, if Ava could feel how hard her heart was beating. Then they were moving, their bodies colliding against the railing and Ava made a small, wanting noise.
Everything else was forgotten, Beatrice’s mind blank to everything but Ava.
When they finally parted, Ava’s forehead stayed pressed to hers. Ava’s breath was heavy and warm against her cheeks. Ava’s hands were still in Beatrice’s hair, toying with the strands at the base of her neck.
All she could feel was Ava.
“Wow,” Ava laughed against her lips. “That was something.”
Beatrice could only nod. It was like she had to relearn how to breathe, remember how to speak. When she opened her eyes, Ava’s were watching her. She’d never seen them this close before, never noticed the ring of gold in the center that blended into the warm brown she’d fallen in love with.
“Hey.” Ava tucked a strand of hair behind Beatrice’s ear. “You good?”
Beatrice took a step back, clearing her throat. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Fine. Totally okay.” She needed to collect herself, needed to find a way to hide just how much that affected her. She glanced behind them at the party still going strong, the people inside somehow unaware that everything had just changed. “I’m going to go get a drink.”
“Okay.” Ava’s lips were still parted as she leaned back against the railing Beatrice had just had pressed to. She felt a flush go up the back of her neck at the thought. “I’ll meet you back there in a few.”
Beatrice looked at her, really looked at her pink cheeks, her swollen lips, her wide eyes, and–damn it, this was a terrible idea. This was awful, no good idea, because now all she could think about was how it felt to kiss her best friend. All she wanted was to do it again, and again, and again, and–
“Okay,” she said, though she’d forgotten at this point what she was agreeing to. When she got inside, she didn’t grab a drink. She didn’t look for her friends. She walked through the sliding door, past the party, out the front, and left.