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It was a stupid idea. It wasn’t like Jamie would be able to use the iPod that he’d stuffed in his bag, yet he took it anyway.
He was rushing to pack everything he needed and he couldn’t afford to lose time deciding whether or not he should bring the iPod, so he wrapped a pair of old earphones around it and shoved it in the inside pocket.
His mum had bought it for his 15th birthday. He’d only had it for a year and it was already battered and worn. The metal corners scratched and the once shiny blue faded into a dull silver. It had been a safe haven during the start of the pandemic, an escape from the hoarse shouts of his dying neighbours. But once his mother died, he never listened to the music; too afraid of what might escape his notice and take advantage of the distraction.
As they walk through the streets leading to D.C, Jamie’s mind occasionally wondered to the times when music outside was completely normal. Whether it was through a shop’s speakers or his earphones. But now his iPod had long since used up its battery and was completely useless.
Andrew walked slightly further ahead, talking about some film he hadn’t seen since he was a kid. One of the ones his Dad made them all watch on a Friday night with the whole family. Jamie had been tempted to ask further when it seemed as if Andrew had stopped talking but then he’d start up again and who was Jamie to interrupt? If he was completely honest, he didn’t mind the conversation. It was nice to listen for once. He’d gotten so used to silence and associating it with being alone that he was grateful that he had someone to talk to him. Whether it was about old films, jokes about Andrew’s old friends or even Andrew teasing Jamie about his lack of pop culture knowledge. Which wasn’t completely true. He’d watched his fair share of Hallmark movies, not that he’d share that with Andrew. No way was he ready for the amount of piss-taking that would cause. Not yet anyway.
There was something about Andrew that Jamie couldn’t quite put his finger on. It felt like dread and relief all in one breath every time he looked at him. As Jamie looked at Andrew now, his dusty blonde hair shimmering in the evening sun, it was as if his lungs had lost all the air inside them. As if it all just disappeared. Andrew chose that moment to turn around and look at Jamie as he carried on walking. He averted his gaze to the street ahead.
“There are a few houses further up. Should we have a look, see if we can find any food?” Andrew asked, a grimace taking over his face. Jamie understood. It wasn’t as if they wanted to raid the homes of people who were very likely dead and had been for some time, but they needed the food. Sometimes if the bodies had been left in the houses, the smell was so bad that by the time they’d found anything edible, usually a tin of dried fruits, they no longer had the appetite to eat it. On those occasions, Jamie was glad that he had Andrew. They made him question that if he was surviving like this alone, then what was the point?
“Yeah, okay. It’s getting dark, we could stay in one of them if it’s empty.”
None of them were empty. They were yet to come across an empty house on their journey to Alexandria. It wasn’t completely without surprises though, one of the houses did have electricity. Which was something they’d been overjoyed about. It was the last house they went in, the others being more or less empty in terms of food and resources. Andrew had gone to flip the light switch on the wall, as he always did when they entered a house, when this time it actually turned on. The look on his face is one Jamie never wanted to forget.
For a moment, that look was almost enough to not think about the body on the floor of the kitchen they’d walked into.
Almost enough.
Jamie didn’t think there was anything that could completely burn that image out of his mind.
They avoided the topic and carried on as usual in silence. As Andrew filled his pack with the tins of beans he found in the cupboard, Jamie went into the living room. There was an outlet on the wall, a plug connected to a dust-covered lamp. He tried the switch, and just like in the kitchen, the light switched on although flickering slightly. Jamie watched as his shadow flickered to his side on the pale wall before unplugging the lamp and reaching for his pack.
He questioned himself as he took the iPod out and unwrapped the earphones from around it, swapping them out for the charger and plugging it into the wall. What was the point? He’d never use it; peace was a privilege that he and Andrew weren’t privy enough to listen to music without the fear of something (or someone) catching them off guard. He charged up the iPod anyway until Andrew shouted at him from the kitchen.
“Are you ready to go? I think I’ve got all I can fit into the pack.”
Jamie shoved the iPod and charger back into his pack and went back into the kitchen.
They left as the sun was slowly falling behind the horizon and the sky was turning dark.
“I think we need to find somewhere to camp out.” Andrew suggested. Jamie knew he was right; they’d been walking since eight this morning and his legs were screaming. If his legs were bad, he couldn’t imagine how Andrew’s felt. A recently healed broken leg is not something you should walk on for hours on end, but they weren’t really left with any other choice.
Jamie had been keeping a close eye on Andrew as the hours stretched on and he slowed down. He knew Andrew was more than capable of knowing his limits but as Jamie watched him start to limp and wince with every step, he couldn’t help the overwhelming worry that coursed through him. It was why he always walked behind Andrew, so he could make sure he wasn’t pushing himself too hard for Jamie’s sake or was in any pain. It was as soon as Jamie noticed these things that he’d call it a day, even with Andrew’s protests of ‘I’m fine’ and ‘it’s not that bad I swear’. Jamie knew better than to believe that.
They reached a small clearing in the forest they’d entered just outside the houses they’d raided and set up camp. Jamie insisted on being the one that collected the firewood tonight whilst Andrew set up their sleeping bags on the grass. Andrew protested to this, catching onto Jamie immediately.
“Jamie, I’m fine. Look!” He said, jumping up and down to prove a point. All it did was make him look slightly ridiculous and Jamie couldn’t help but smile, a gentle amount of fondness he allowed himself to show. “I can collect firewood no problem.”
“Okay, I’ll collect it tomorrow then.” Jamie conceded, as if he was able to say no to Andrew. At this point, it was laughable. Even if it did confuse him why.
Once Andrew had sauntered off back into the forest, not without some remark about him being ‘just as capable now that his leg had healed’, Jamie set up the sleeping bags. The red one lay on the flatter part of ground and Jamie’s black one on the patchier part. If Andrew insisted on being stubborn about his leg then Jamie can be stubborn about him getting some quality sleep.
He lay down on his sleeping bag, the material rustling and uncomfortable as he turned on to his back in a doomed attempt to find a position he could fall asleep in.
For at least the fifth time that day, Jamie’s mind wandered to the iPod. He took it out of his bag again holding it above him and turned it over in his hands, his thumbs feeling the ridges of the corners. Just like the notebook, it was another reminder of his Mum. He shut his eyes and drew in a long, deep breath. He’d spent a whole summer begging her for it. She’d told him to save up for it himself but had bought it for him anyway.
“Jamie, is that what I think it is?”
Jamie opened his eyes to see Andrew stood in front of him, arms full of firewood and eyes wide at the iPod in his hands. And this was the part where Andrew told him that it was ridiculous that he’d been carrying it round with him this entire time, that the space in his pack could have been used for something more useful like food or medical supplies. He sat up and readied himself.
“Oh my god, it is! Why didn’t you tell me before? I bet it doesn’t have a signal though.” Andrew rambled on whilst placing the logs onto the grass and assembling them into a pile before starting a fire with the lighter. The wood lit up instantly and filled the clearing with light, the sun long since set and the stars started to dot the sky.
It was irrational fear that had spiked through Jamie at the thought of having to part with it. Stupid, really. But to him, it was more than just an iPod. It was the last gift he received from his Mum. The last gift he received from anyone, now that he thought of it.
“I charged it at the house while you collected the food.” And I should have probably been doing something more productive, he doesn’t say.
“Wait, it’s charged?” Andrew asked, whipping his head back round to Jamie. An incredulous look on his face. Jamie watched as Andrew’s features shifted from shock to excitement. His bushy eyebrows unfurrowing and eyes widening with what Jamie has learned to interpret as teasing.
“Please tell me it’s got music downloaded.” A mischievous grin spread across Andrew’s face.
“Well, yeah. It is an iPod.”
And as if he’d won a prize, Andrew smiled brightly, teeth showing and all. Jamie, having still not looked away, watched, that breathless feeling back in his chest.
“Oh my god, I need to know what type of music you listen to. You definitely listen to country music or maybe you're a secret Swiftie.”
Jamie didn’t even get a chance to deny these allegations before Andrew reached over from where he sat on his own sleeping bag and pressed the power button and then ‘play’ as the iPod still sat in Jamie’s hands. Just as the first note started to ring out, he pressed the pause button.
“Wait, I have earphones. We need to be quiet.” Jamie said lightly as he finally turned his gaze away from Andrew as he retrieved his earphones and plugged them in, passing one to Andrew and putting one in his own ear. Andrew scooched over closer before doing the same. They were so close that their hands were touching, and it felt as if his entire arm had caught fire.
Andrew moved his hand away, taking its heat with it, and pressed ‘play’ again before closing his eyes. Jamie took note of how his light eyelashes lay against his cheeks in the low light of the fire.
After a few moments, the first few notes rang out and Andrew’s eyes screw tighter in confusion before slowly opening, a serious look in his eyes.
“I don’t know this one.” He admitted.
Jamie recognised the song immediately, closing his own eyes and letting himself feel the song. He let his mind wander across the tranquil chords as they slowly faded for the lyrics to take over. He had downloaded this song a few months before Andrew arrived in his life and remembered thinking how much it reminded him of the pain, of the loss and the grief.
He hadn’t felt the tears fall until Andrew was wiping them away with the pad of his thumb. He cupped the side of Jamie’s face and Jamie knew he understood as they listened.
One minute, they arrive
Next, you know they’re gone
Oh, so fly on, ride through
Maybe, one day, I’ll fly next to you
They stayed there like that until the music started to fade out and Jamie leaned into Andrew’s touch. The warmth was a welcome comfort. The music began to start again, a similar piano piece to the beginning of the song and Andrew stood up, the wire between them now pulled tight and starting to fall out of his ear. Jamie looked up to him and locked their gaze as Andrew held out his hand in a silent question. Jamie took it.
He stood up and leant against Andrew as they swayed silently. Their hands lay intertwined between them, and Jamie moved his other hand to Andrew’s waist, letting it hover for a second in case he moved away. And Andrew let his hand fall to the bottom of Jamie’s back, his touch feather light. It’s the safest that he’s felt in as long as he could remember. As the song ended and another started, they stood there holding each other, the wire hanging freely in the small space between them. Jamie’s head lay on Andrew’s shoulder, and it was all okay. Everything else ceased to exist for the few minutes they were in each other’s space, keeping the other grounded.
It was as if they were all that’s left in the world and, for all that mattered, they were.