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Dan liked to stare at Phil whenever he was doing something his thoroughly enjoyed. He liked to watch the way Phil's eyes lit up at the things he loved. What he didn't like is the lack of sparkle they had when they looked directly at him. Dan liked watching Phil make videos. He like to watch Phil rant about things, or tell cute little stories of his childhood. But what Dan didn't like was Phil's lack of sparkle when he told Dan stories of his day.
Dan loved to make food with Phil. He loved the way Phil thanked him for his help with all the sincerity in the world. What Dan didn't love was the way Phil stalked off to his room and ate alone. Dan loved making videos with Phil. He loved the way he had to sit arm against arm with him to get in the shot of the camera. But he didn't love the way the minute the camera was off, Phil moved as far away as possible. Dan loved their movie nights. He loved to hear Phil's laughter, and watch the way he leant forwards when he could tell something good was about to happen. What Dan didn't love was that it was no longer their movie night.
Dan hated his feelings. He hated the butterflies he got in his stomach when Phil actually acknowledged his presence. But he loved the tingles he got on his skin when Phil's arm brushed his. Dan hated Phil's distance. He hated the way Phil only spoke to him when absolutely necessary. What Dan did love, however, was Phil. Dan hated it when Phil wasn't around. He hated not being able to watch Phil run his fingers over his piano. But he did love when Phil returned, a small, sad smile on his face. Dan hated seeing Phil sad. He hated watching the tears run down his face, and not being able to do anything about it. What he did love though, was the second Phil's tears stopped, he dried his face and went about his day.
Dan despised seeing Phil in his room. He despised seeing Phil sit on his black and white covers, his fingers brushing over them softly. He did like Phil's soft smile when he ran his fingers over his little collectables on the drawers. Dan despised seeing Phil sat on the sofa watching films with someone else. He despised seeing Phil leaning forwards, some other person beside him. But what Dan did like is seeing Phil happy again after so long. Dan despised the moment he had to leave. He despised the moment Phil was no longer greeting his room with a sad, smile. But he did love that Phil had finally moved on.
Dan too was ready to move on. He was ready to let his love go. He wasn't ready, however, to miss Phil like crazy for the next thirty or so years. Dan too was happy. He was happy Phil turned out okay. But he wasn't happy he'd have to wait until it was Phil's time in order to see him again. Dan too was okay. He was okay with letting Phil get back to him in his own time. What he wasn't okay with was the fact he'd no longer be able to see Phil.
Dan watched Phil one last time. He watched the way Phil packed up the last of his things, wiping away tears that had strayed down his pale face. He watched Phil run his fingers over a picture of us he'd kept on his bedside drawers since the first day we'd met all the way back in 2009. Dan watched Phil break down as he packed Dan's last few possessions, the ones he'd had in his room since the day Dan had lost his battle. If it was possible for him, Dan too would of broke down at the sight. Dan watched as Phil whispered his last few goodbyes.
"Goodbye, Dan," he whispered, staring into the nothingness.
Dan couldn't say anything back. He watched his pale friend retreat from the empty flat.
Dan liked Phil's happiness, he always had. Dan loved Phil, he always had. Dan hated that Phil wasn't there, he always had. Dan despised the loneliness, something he hadn't had since he was eighteen.