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Everybody … can we have your attention, please? Please, we need more silence. We know you are not comfortable, but if you allow us to explain …
That's much better, thanks.
First, I'd like to apologize, because of what happened and because of our poor response to the chaos that followed. I'd especially want to apologize for the fact that the information didn't flow immediately; we understand it was an error from our part not to explain the situation directly to you, too. We are sorry that you had to hear of it from a third party.
Now, as to what happened. I know it has been rumored we were responding to outside pressure. It is not true. What happened is that we tried to enact our Terms of Service, but evidently we didn't think about it long enough. Let me assure you that the members of the Abuse Team, the ones who were entrusted to do the dirty work, were not happy about it. They thought it was a stupid idea. They were, evidently, right.
To make things worse, most of us were not around to face the resulting confusion. It was, I assure you, nothing more than bad timing. We live to serve and, it could be said, we serve to live, as you are the first and foremost reason of our existence.
But a fact remains: some of our customers were not complying with our Terms of Service. Not as many as we erased, but still we found ourselves in the need to analyze each one of the situations, in order to restore those that were mistakenly removed. As you can imagine, doing such a thing takes longer than we would have liked, thus the remaining incommodity you've been experiencing.
It will come to an end soon, though, as I'm pleased to announce that your community, Planet Earth from the Solar System, has been found to be TOS compliant. We greatly apologize, and will continue to for eons to come, for the mistakes that lead us to this situation.
As to what we are doing to solve the current state of affairs: as I'm sure you already noticed, your previous identities have been restored. Your surroundings are not ready yet, so we'll ask you to remain on these facilities until the Development Team reconstructs your planet's conditions. I fear it will take some time, sadly, as it should move through all of its previous stages before reaching the one you were living in.
And because we know some of you will feel uneasy while waiting here, we have a proposition. Research tells me we have found a way to faux-duplicate the living forms existing on every stage of you planet's development. Nonetheless, it has been discovered that real living forms' interaction helps hurry the process. Thus, we are asking those of you willing to help to join our reconstruction effort. The inscription forms are being handled on windows one to three thousand nine hundred and ninety seven. Complains will be received on the last three windows.
Once again, sorry for the problems; we promise it'll not happen again.
-
"What were you?" Robert Chase asked once they were settled.
Cuddy still couldn’t understand why House's people insisted on sticking together even if they weren't being obliged to, at least not under the current circumstances. Maybe they didn't have a life outside of the hospital, just as Cuddy herself.
"Which time?" House appeared out of nowhere, startling them both with his voice and by noisily dropping his full plate on the table.
"You were given more than one assignment?" Foreman asked, sounded as surprised as Chase looked.
Cameron seemed surprised as well, but for different reasons. "You didn't?" she asked, gesturing with what looked to Cuddy's eyes like a spork on amphetamines. "I think my average life span was five minutes, ten most."
"Well, I managed to evolve, although it wasn't nice," Chase commented in a 'don't ask' tone, looking shaken and ready to puke.
Cuddy was surprised when House, indeed, didn't ask. Instead, he mumbled "boring, boring, boring" and started poking at his food without actually eating it.
"Was I the only one who could kill others before being off-ed?" Cuddy asked, and House and Chase's hands immediately went up.
Cameron and Foreman stared at them.
"Well, how do you think evolution starts?" Chase provided with a shrug.
"It became old after the fiftieth time," said House then, looking around at the incredibly enormous cafeteria-like room.
Foreman shook his head in disapproving fashion.
"I didn't do anything," he said. "My colony just … remained there."
"You were part of a colony?" Cameron asked, but Cuddy noticed also House and Chase seemed curious.
"Me too," she said. "I think we established the beginnings of a multi-cellular organism. We had the rudiments of specialization, I mean."
"And you were pushing for queen bee, surely," House stated, but Cuddy could see he wasn't putting effort on it. Instead, he pushed Foreman's plate to the corner. "Move," he ordered, giving no explanation.
As Cuddy had expected, Wilson appeared almost immediately.
"Why does your food look like real food?" House asked when the other man sit by his side, taking from Wilson's tray a goblet with something that Cuddy would have swore was a smoothie, if smoothies were to be produced by alien races that obviously had no idea as to what humans ate.
Wilson rolled his eyes but didn't complain for the stealing act.
"I heard you had a problem with the kitchen," he provided.
"They have no idea of what a hamburger is," House protested. Cuddy noticed the other three doctors watching while their boss kept pilfering random pieces from Wilson's plate. "Hey! It almost tastes like real food, too!"
"Do you have an idea of how busy they are?" Wilson asked, pushing a second plate far from House and close to the rest of the table occupants. "They were more than happy to accept help."
"You were working in the kitchens?" Cameron asked, her voice sounding slightly judgmental.
"Only for the last hour," Wilson explained.
"If you don't like, don't eat," House declared, growling at her.
Sure enough, Cameron didn't say another word. Cuddy didn't think less of her, though: Wilson's food, even if cooked with alien ingredients, was far more delectable than the blue and green pottage they had been downing before he arrived.
Chit-chat returned to the table from Chase's mouth.
"So, Dr. Wilson, did you kill something?"
Wilson frowned and smiled at the same time, and looked at each one of their faces before obviously deciding it was safe to answer.
"Only a T. Rex, but I eventually died of the resulting injuries."
Silence fell on the table as a heavy boulder.
"A Tyrannosaurus Rex? The -- the dinosaur?" Chase asked as if clarification were needed.
"No, the musical group," House almost barked before turning to Wilson. "You were a fucking dinosaur," he stated, at the same time accusing and incredulous. "I worked my ass to move from RNA molecule to DNA molecule to chemoautotroph to prokaryote to eukaryote to chronoflagellate … and you were a fucking dinosaur?"
"It was a small one," Wilson informed, unfazed, and Cuddy had to admire his calmness.
"It wasn't a brachiosaurus, then?" she asked, curious. "I thought only those could kill a T. Rex."
"Oh, nothing that big; just a gallimimus."
House exploded after that, again.
"You were a fucking carnivore!" he stressed, almost livid. "And how in hell does a chicken-like thing kill the king of all dinosaurs?"
Foreman, Cuddy decided, seemed about to excuse himself from the table.
"They worked in packs, House, remember?" Wilson explained. "And the gigantosaurus were bigger than the tyrannosaurus, by the way."
"You were A. Fucking. Dinosaur!" House repeated, as if it hadn't been clear from the first time.
Wilson's face finally changed, but instead of appearing worried, he looked stern.
"I told you it was not a good idea to enrage Mmyzee."
"Missy who?" Cameron asked.
"The one handling the assignments in our window," Wilson provided.
Foreman groaned, "Oh, I can't believe this," but no one paid attention to him.
"All of the alien attendants had three pairs of arms and two pairs of eyes, besides being silver orange colored," Chase declared, in awe. "And it was almost impossible to say if they were male or female."
"Mmyzee is male," Wilson declared matter-of-factly, and rolled his eyes at the astounded looks his words conjured. "Oh for god's sake, I simply asked."
"So, about this being a dinosaur thing …" Cuddy started, an idea taking residence on her head.
House grinned at her.
"I think I can be nice to this Mmyzee guy."
Wilson sighed but didn't seem really bothered by the plan. He, in fact, smiled. Maybe, Cuddy reflected, the following weeks were not to be as bad as expected.