Work Text:
The Sibling Correlation Correction
Sheldon returned from Leonard's bedroom looking smug.
Well, smugger.
"He asleep?" Missy asked. Sheldon nodded, and she smiled. "You sure are good with him, Shelly."
He shrugged. "I read Baby and Child Care when I was six..." His expression darkened. "Not the first time I was suckered into purchasing something because it bore Spock's name."
Missy ignored this byplay with the well-practised ease of a (technically) older sibling.
"You sure it's okay with Leonard that AJ's in his room?"
Sheldon appeared honestly puzzled. "Where else would I put him?"
Missy found herself assuming an honest-to-God Mary Cooper pose of disapproval, but damn if Shelly didn't bring it out in her...
She obviously hadn't quite mastered it, though, as Sheldon continued undeterred. "Whilst it is not yet clear whether Austin James is a superior genetic mutation like his Uncle Dr. Cooper, I would not want him to nap out here and possibly take a chill."
Aw. That was downright mushy for Sheldon. Missy couldn't help beaming at him and decided to give him a reward: "So what have you been up to lately, Shelly?"
As expected, he perked up at this rare family invitation to talk more.
"Well let's see... I recently completed a paper on why dark matter is a misnomer and would be better served with the moniker 'invisible'. Then I was outbid on a Frostmourne runeblade replica in an outrageous example of on-line nepotism – which the perpetrators will be hearing about once Howard hacks their server. Oh – and Penny and I definitively proved the intimacy acceleration experiment is pure hokum."
Missy's ears pricked up. For several reasons. "Wait – I remember hearin' about that; Oprah was talkin' about it. Ain't that that experiment that's s'posed to make anyone fall in love?"
Sheldon nodded. "That is the basic premise, yes."
"And you did that experiment with Penny?" she queried. He nodded again. "Why?" she asked bluntly.
He shrugged. "I wished to scientifically test the premise and Penny was eager to participate. Something about my being forced to answer awkward questions about my innermost feelings..."
Missy's mouth quirked. Penny was a girl after her own heart.
She forced herself to repress the little surge of excitement. She'd been down this road with Shelly before – had thought she'd known which way the wind was blowing, then he'd welded himself to that Amy girl and she'd had to swallow her hopes. Repeatedly.
"So, how did it go?" she asked lightly.
His mouth pulled down in that weird turtle face he'd make when considering something. "We agreed that whilst we are very fond of one another, the nature of the intimacy between us is familial rather than romantic."
Missy blinked. "Say what?"
"Oh, I'm sorry – let me translate." Shelly had slipped into his most patronising tone, which would normally earn him an immediate purple nurple, but Missy was currently too preoccupied to give it to him. "It means that I see Penny like a sister."
After opening and closing her mouth a few times, Missy finally found her voice. "Oh, I understood you, alright. I just can't believe the words that came out your crazy-ass mouth…"
It was Sheldon's turn to blink.
"You see Penny like a sister?" Missy reiterated. "So you're saying, you see me the same way you see Penny?"
Sheldon nodded. "Yes."
"You see me – the-same-way-you-see-Penny?" Missy spoke with slow but decided emphasis.
Sheldon frowned. "Missy, I know you do not have anything approaching my IQ but I'm starting to wonder if basic auditory processing is beyond you."
"Shelly, if anyone's being slow on the draw here, it's you," Missy muttered.
Sheldon's brows furrowed. "I do not follow."
"Okay, Science Guy, how about a little experiment? Give me some memorable moments with Penny and we'll see how they compare to moments with me."
Sheldon pursed his lips, then shrugged. "Alright… Let's see… Ah, yes. There was the first time Penny sang Soft Kitty to me."
There was a marked pause. Missy pushed her jaw back into place with considerable effort. "You… you asked Penny to sing Soft Kitty to you?"
"Yes."
"Sheldon, you don't let anyone sing Soft Kitty to you except Mom and Meemaw! I- I just… When was this?"
"April sixth, 2008. One day short of seven months since the day Penny had moved in."
Missy turned away with her hand over face. "Good Lord above…"
Sheldon blinked, looking uncertain but unconcerned. "I was sick," he offered by way of expectation. "Penny was taking care of me."
"Okay…" Missy muttered to herself. "He's even slower than I thought…"
"Excuse me!" Sheldon admonished, tone creeping up.
She turned back, smile bright and wide. "Never mind! Let's back up a bit. You asked Penny to sing Soft Kitty to you after only knowing her for a few months, yes?"
He nodded. "Yes."
"Shelly, have I ever sung Soft Kitty to you?"
"Of course not," Sheldon answered reflexively. "You'd have to be in my room to do that; no one can be in my room."
Missy's smile became fixed. "Riiiight. So… if you see Penny the same way you see me, how come she's allowed into your room and allowed to sing to you?"
Sheldon paused, then inclined his head. "Alright. I will grant that is one example that runs counters to my premise, but it is hardly conclusive."
"Well, then let's continue with the experiment, Dr. Cooper," Missy replied, with a level of sweetness that immediately made Sheldon look suspicious. "Gimme another Penny moment."
His eyes flickered for a moment as if flipping through a Rolodex. "February 26th, 2012: my regular barber was indisposed. Penny cut my hair and shaved a section straight through the middle. For which she was issued a double strike and ordered to sit the test for readmission into my presence." He was too caught up in the indignation of the memory to notice his sister sagging as her knees loosened in shock. "She refused to take the test, and we didn't talk for two days until I needed a ride to the mall and she bought me some Red Vines."
"Okay…" Missy swallowed, looking glassy-eyed. "Shelly, do you remember the time I licked all your Marvel trading cards?"
"Of course." His eyes kindled with remembered outrage.
"And do you remember what you did with my Barbie dolls in revenge?"
He nodded. "I constructed a to-scale guillotine and re-enacted the French Revolution."
"And?"
"Issued a triple strike."
"And?"
"Didn't talk to you for a month."
"Mmm-hmm. And why did you finally start talking to me again?"
"Cos Mom made me," he huffed.
"And had I apologised at that point?"
"Yes"
"And had I taken your stupid test?"
"Yes."
"You see where I'm going with this?"
He nodded again. "Yes, it appears I have mellowed since childhood. I'm much more free-and-easy these days."
Missy stared at him, half-incensed, half-horrified. "Sheldon you're about as mellow as PawPaw's moonshine. You never let me off the hook. Far as I can remember, you never let anyone off the hook… except for Penny, apparently." She raised her eyebrows, looking expectant.
Sheldon seemed to be chewing this over. "Well, I have been informed that the introduction of Amy Farrah Fowler into my life has had a gradual but marked impact. You and I have not seen a great deal of one other since Amy and I entered into our Relationship Agreement. It is plausible, therefore, that you would not have been present for the posited metamorphosis."
"But the Soft Kitty moment happened before you even met Amy," Missy pointed out.
He tilted his head. "True. But the haircut debacle happened after Amy and I altered our relationship paradigm."
Missy's eyes narrowed. "How long after?"
"Ninety-eight days," he replied promptly.
She raised an eyebrow at him. "So, ninety-eight days is long enough for a 'gradual metamorphosis'?" Sheldon was frowning, so Missy waved a hand to move the conversation on. "I'll just let that one simmer. Next moment, Shelly-Bean. Actually – let's mix it up a little. What would you say is the most memorable moment you've had with Penny?"
He was silent for several seconds, eyes far away and oh-so-soft. She wondered if he realised he was smiling.
"When Penny gave me the DNA-marked signature of Leonard Nimoy."
This time both of Missy's eyebrows shot up. "Penny got you that Star thingy guy's autograph?"
Sheldon's eyes were still far away as he nodded. "..and then I hugged her," he added meditatively.
"You hugged Penny? She didn't hug you?"
"Well, in point of fact, yes, she returned my embrace, but sloppy grammar aside, I'm assuming you actually meant to ask whether it was she or I who instigated it. The answer to that is that it was I who initiated it."
"Why?"
"It was the only gift I could think of that she might attach the same value to as I did hers."
"Oh, really? 'Cos I've met Penny, and she strikes me more as a 'would-die-for-Jimmy-Choos' rather than 'all-you-need-is-love' kinda girl."
"Not when it comes to hugs from me," Sheldon said simply.
"Riiiiiiiight…" Missy stared at him in disbelief. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to calm the urge to smack some sense into him. "Shelly, you're the photographic memory guy-"
"Eidetic memory," he corrected automatically.
"-whatever – how many times have you and I hugged?"
His eyes flickered again. "Eight," he replied. "Not including wrestling holds or noogies, which would put the figure significantly higher."
Missy smirked with remembered pride then forced herself back on topic. "And how many of those hugs were started by you?"
"None… Hmm… It appears your theory may have a little more traction than I thought. There is some empirical evidence to suggest I treat you and Penny differently." He clasped his hands behind his back and cocked his head.
"You don't say…" Missy raised a hand to curve round her cheek and batted her lashes as if struck by surprise.
"I do say… I just said – are you having trouble with auditory processing again?"
She rolled her eyes. "Only person not listening is you."
"My hearing, like my vision – like my memory – is in the ninetieth percentile of accuracy-"
She made a sound of extreme frustration. "Are you deliberately bein' more Spock-like or is it a defence mechanism you don't realise you're doin'?" A small, pleased smile blossomed on his face. "That's not a compliment, you idiot!"
Sheldon frowned at her. "Perhaps it's you Mom should have tested for insanity."
Missy acted on instinct and stepped forward, fingers unerringly aimed for his nipple. Sheldon yelped and jumped back. Satisfied she'd cowed him into submission, Missy continued with her theory – there was no doubt left in her mind now, but the trick was convincing Sheldon.
"Okay, we've agreed that the theory has some 'traction'." She made air quotes as she spoke. "Speakin' scientifically, what kind of result would you need before you decided it was proven?"
Sheldon turned down the corners of his mouth again, bobbing his head from one side to the other. "Well, considering the data pool is slight, I think we would need one hundred percent accuracy."
"Alrigh'," Missy folded her arms. "Best give me another moment."
"Alrigh'…" Sheldon unconsciously mimicked, Texan creeping in; he glared at her when he realised and then spoke with careful deliberation. "Penny had slipped in her bathtub owing to lack of adhesive ducks, which led to her dislocating her shoulder. I helped her out, helped her dress and drove her to the hospital."
Missy waited, and then prompted. "…and what was so memorable about that encounter?"
"It was the first time I drove... and the first time I saw an adult homo sapiens naked."
"Penny was naked in front of you? She didn't mind you seein' her?"
"No – she had not intended me to see her," Sheldon admitted. "She told me not to look, so I had my eyes closed."
"Then how did you see her?"
Sheldon's shoulders rolled forward in a shrug, but for the first time his sister thought she could detect the slightest hint of colour in his cheeks. "The literary precedent on this is quite clear: the hero always peeks."
"Peeks? You peeked at Penny? You looked at her naked without her knowing?" He nodded. The desire to punch him for being a perv warred with internal glee. She repressed both. "Why d'you peek, Sheldon?"
His shoulders twitched. "Scientific curiosity."
"Shelly, you could satisfy that curiosity with a two-second Google search. Hell, you can satisfy it searchin' for chicken recipes. Sheldon-" She pitched her voice low with heavy emphasis. "Why – did you – peek?"
He looked genuinely confused. "I don't know."
"What about Penny made you want to peek?"
"I don't know!" he said again, tone beginning to rise.
"Okay." Missy spread her hands. Sheldon was up on the balls of his feet, eyes bugged wide. She recognised the signs: flight mode. She moderated her tone to something softer but no less firm. A Mrs. Cooper special. "Okay – Shelly? I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to think very, very carefully about the answer before you reply, or we may both end up needing therapy." She paused then spoke matter-of-factly. "Have you ever had an urge to see me naked?"
His face puckered in disgust, body language returning to normal. "Of course not! …Oh."
Ignoring the fact she'd just proven the theory, Missy continued: "Have you ever had an urge to see any woman naked besides Penny?"
The eyes bugged out a little again. "No…"
Missy was unsurprised but still asked her next question, feeling it had to be spelled out. "Not even Amy?"
"I do not have an aversion to seeing Amy naked," Sheldon began, looking more sure-footed. "Indeed, when she was sick-"
"Not what I asked, Sheldon." Missy cut across him. "I'm not askin' what you're willing to do on Amy's behalf; I'm askin' what you felt about it. Have you ever been curious to see Amy naked?"
Sheldon's eyes were wide with panic, and with something else entirely, but his innate truthfulness pulled the response from him. "No," he replied. "Missy, I don't understand… I… What are you saying?"
Missy raised her hands soothingly and took a step back. "I'm not saying anything, Shelly. You are." She smiled at him. "That big brain of yours is talkin' to you, but it's so full in there, I think it takes a while for the message to travel from one side to the other. So, I'm all gonna do is tell you to be yourself: be Science Guy. Go away and think about this. Look over the data from today. Weigh it up. Consider every angle – and see what conclusions you come to. Okay?"
Sheldon nodded slowly, still looking unsure but less panicked.
Missy couldn't resist. She was so thrilled for him – even if the dope didn't yet understand why. She stepped forward and pulled him into a hug; he responded as he always did, passively accepting, with his arms by his side.
She stepped back and grinned at him. "That makes nine."
*knockknockknock* "Penny."
*knockknockknock* "Penny."
*knockknockknock* "Penny."
The door opened; he was greeted by a dazzling smile. "Hey, Sheldon. What's up?"
"I think we need to try the experiment again."
"...Really, why?"
He took a deep breath. "Because I think our conclusion was wrong."