Archive of Our Own ^beta

You know the greatest loves of all time are over now

The half empty cup he’s nurturing has been clashing against the railings for quite a few minutes now, and it isn’t until one of his neighbors from the apartment next to theirs shut their windows rather forcefully that Jeno stops taking his thoughts out on the glassware.

There are so many things wrong about today. First, he should be at the field with Chenle, losing with silly golf clubs and tennis rackets like every Saturday he spent in his life. Even Chenle sounded surprised when Jeno called him that morning to let him know that he won’t be coming.

“Why not?” Chenle had asked. “You’re the one who requested that we play tennis today.”

“Sorry,” was all Jeno could answer. “I’ll make it up to you next week.”

The silence that followed was heavier than usual, and Jeno could sense that Chenle was about to pester him for more information so he hung up before the other guy could even do so.

Second, he shouldn’t be drinking beer at one o’clock in the afternoon. Sure, it’s nothing strong and its apple flavor is more dominant than the actual beer and there’s only 3% alcohol in it according to the peeling off label on the bottle, but it’s still alcohol. Maybe if he was doing this a little later in the evening, his neighbor probably would’ve let the clinking sounds slide. But it’s only an hour past noon and Jeno already wants to drown out the unwelcomed emotions surging through him.

And it all boils down to the last wrong thing—the worry. 

It’s none of his business, and he really isn’t that significant of a person to be worrying too much. The problem doesn’t concern him at all, and the general worry he has is directed towards a person, not the problem.

Jeno places the empty bottle on his dining table, although the varsity jacket and charger cords and many other trinkets taking up most of its space makes Jeno unsure if he can still call it one. He tidies up the area just so he can give himself some sense of command over himself, no matter how half-assed it may be. Jeno eventually manages to clean up the mess, but the table only ends up looking more empty than tidy after that.

He sighs. It’s better to just get it over with so he’ll stop feeling this way.

In a mix of hesitation and caution, Jeno pulls his phone out and lets his muscle memory bring him to his and Renjun’s messages. The screen shows their conversation about which shoes Renjun should wear to the wedding, with Jeno picking one specific pair and Renjun completely ignoring it and going with the other one.

He taps at the chat box and stares at the blank space for a while, the silence allowing him to hear the old clock on his wall as the tick tock syncs with the blinking cursor waiting for his words.

Eventually, he types, don’t forget to breathe.

He quickly sends it before he can change his mind. 

Jeno waits until he realizes that the action doesn’t do anything to alleviate his godforsaken worry. At this point, there really is nothing he can do other than hope that Renjun is okay. He can get on his day and just ask Renjun about what happened later— tomorrow— whenever Renjun wants to talk about it.

And it’s only then that Jeno realizes he’s been pacing around his room, the restlessness he’s feeling inside translating into body motion. 

He checks his phone again. The message is still there. There are two check marks under the bubble, but no reply comes after that.

The cursor blinks again, and his heartbeat now joins the sync of the ticking clock.

Jeno picks up the bottle, downs the entire thing, grabs the jacket he discarded a few minutes ago from the table and heads outside. 

There isn’t a lot of alcohol in his recent drink and he isn’t feeling tipsy at all, but Jeno doesn’t trust himself to use his motorcycle in his current state. Even though the liquor won’t rattle him, his thoughts most definitely will.

He hails a cab and tells the driver the venue that was on the invitation Renjun showed him several weeks ago. It’s a long drive, and by the time Jeno arrives there, the wedding is probably over and the reception is halfway through. The increasing amount shown by the fare meter also doesn’t look good for his wallet. 

This is yet another wrong thing today. Still, Jeno goes on.

Thankfully, the cab driver is kind enough to drive Jeno all the way to the drop off point of the hotel, but then again that could be because Jeno is already paying for their daily quota so they might as well see him off properly. Jeno gives him a few bills that cover more than the fare and insists that the driver keep the change, mostly because he wants them to leave before he could change his mind and ask them to take him back.

A wrong thing arrives in his mind as soon as the guard ushers him to the lobby and he realizes that he’s not supposed to be here. Moreover, he’s not supposed to even know about the wedding. The only reason Jeno remembers this place is because Renjun once spent an entire lunch talking about the invitation that arrived in his mail that morning, and the name of the venue came up several times.

Moreover, he doesn’t have an invitation. That’s another wrong thing. Even if he manages to get to the venue, how will he get inside?

More minutes pass by and some of the hotel employees are now looking at him curiously, probably wondering why he’s spent the past half hour in the lounge. Jeno knows those are merely thoughts in passing, but he can’t help but feel like he’s being judged nonetheless. Afterall, the fact that he’s here is a wrong thing.

Before more people can question his presence, Jeno pretends like he knows where he’s going and starts to walk around the hotel halls. 929 Function Hall, that was the reception venue printed in the invitation. He checks the rooms he’s passing through. 401, 402, 403. He debates on going to the elevator before he eventually chooses to take the stairs to the ninth floor instead, if only to buy himself time. I shouldn’t be here.

He’s too lost in his mind that he doesn’t realize he’s already by the function hall until he sees the big event signage by the doorway. His palms start to sweat at the same time that a fluttery feeling emerges in his stomach, and he finds himself rooted in the spot. It was just a silly, impulsive and ridiculous idea he had a while ago, and he didn’t really expect to go through with it.

But there he was, outside the function hall, witnessing the ongoing wedding reception of two people he only knew from their names printed on scented paper, scanning the unfamiliar guests he never met in his life, looking for someone he’s been worrying about for the past days and in the past hours the most. His eyes search from table to table, hoping to find Renjun’s stupid face so he can get over this stupid disquieting feeling once and for all.

It turns out he’s searching in the wrong place. The amplified sound of a fork being tapped on a glass reverberates through the room, which directs even Jeno to look at the podium.

And there, realer than any image his thoughts can conjure, is Renjun.

“May I have everyone’s attention?” Renjun says to the microphone, regarding the crowd with a practiced smile.

He looks okay, Jeno thinks as he subconsciously smiles, the relief slowly surging through his body. I don’t know if he really is, but at least he looks like he is.

Somehow, he finds himself staying in his spot and watching as Renjun delivers his best man speech. Every word is said with so much emotion that even though Jeno doesn’t personally know the happy couple, he feels connected to them as well. But with every word and every heart, Jeno knows there’s even just a little bit of hurt strung around it. The sparkle in his eyes can easily be mistaken by a shine of joy, but Jeno knows it’s a glisten of pain.

You’ll be okay, Jeno thinks, hoping the message somehow finds its way to Renjun’s thoughts.

When Renjun’s speech ends, he sees a few guests pick up their napkins to wipe their eyes. The applause is the loudest sound he’s heard today. It feels warm, but in a way, also lonely. Maybe it’s because he’s not really included in the crowd and he shouldn’t be here, but he knows there’s one other person in the room that’s feeling the same way.

Well, there it is. Renjun got through it. And all the credit goes to him and him alone. Jeno doesn’t even know what is the purpose of his arrival. It’s not like Renjun needs a friendly presence for support. Sure, his lungs may be a bitch sometimes but his heart is always brave enough to go through this.

So what is Jeno still doing there? He could be doing more productive things for his day, and yet he spent an unreasonable amount of money and time to go to a place where he’s not needed. I shouldn’t be here. Renjun doesn’t need me. Doesn’t need anyone.

But as he watches Renjun go back to his seat with a defeated expression, Jeno’s heart aches. Him being here is not about what Renjun needs. Him being here is about what he wants.

And what he wants is to see for himself that Renjun is okay. What he wants is to be reassured that Renjun is steady on his two feet and breathing.

I shouldn’t be here, Jeno thinks. But I want to be

But somehow, even that isn’t enough for Jeno to do more action than spontaneously going on a roadtrip to an unfamiliar hotel. Renjun picks up the wine glass on his table, letting it gently clash with the table the same way Jeno was clashing the bottle with the railings a while ago. Clearly, no matter how painful Jeno thinks it might be, this is a moment that belongs to Renjun and Renjun alone.

In the end, Jeno follows the thought haunting him since he left the apartment. With one last glance towards Renjun, he turns his heel and walks away.

I shouldn’t be here.

In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone

Jeno first met Renjun on an unassuming night. 

He got out of the gym a little later than usual because of a pre-notified power interruption in his apartment complex happening around dinner. He also didn’t have his motorcycle with him that time because Changbin, one of the early friends he made in the gym ever since he started his membership, borrowed it to pick up a guy they met at the bar. It’s been a while since he walked around, so he decided to do just that.

The plan was to stroll and then maybe grab a small box of takoyaki from one of the popular street stalls along the curb,then he’ll stroll some more, finish some food, and then go back home where the electricity had already returned.

That plan definitely did not include helping a random stranger sitting by the curb to breathe.

Jeno immediately rushed to them with no hesitation. Someone having a panic attack is not something you normally encounter when you go out for a walk to buy food, but Jeno didn’t really think about that. He’s not a doctor, but he is a pharmacist, so he at least had enough medical knowledge to know what to do in that situation. He did his best to calm them down, rubbing soothing circles on their back while telling them to mimic his breathing. 

Eventually, it worked. Jeno didn’t realize he was holding his own breath until relief surged through him and he could finally talk to the stranger properly.

Once they appeared to be in a better state, the stranger started rambling about his frustrations, about how he was supposed to be a responsible adult. Though the monologue amused Jeno and hearing a little bit more of it would have kept him entertained, he offered his water bottle to them to calm them down. And again, it worked.

When the guy introduced himself as Renjun, Jeno finally got an opening to ask why he was having a panic attack on the side of the road. 

He remembered the way Renjun’s expression dimmed as he said, “I’m in love with my best friend.”

Unlike a while ago, Jeno didn’t have enough knowledge to know what to do this time. He’s studied about a lot of prescriptions for almost every type of pain except for the ones that stem from emotion/He didn’t know how to respond, so he simply maintained the silence; it felt like the kind of thing Renjun needed, anyway.

After a few breaths, Renjun repeated himself and said, “I'm in love with my best friend, and he got engaged to someone else today.”

He wasn’t looking at Jeno when he said those, but perhaps it was for the best. The last thing Renjun probably needed at that time was pity from other people, and he would only get more frustrated if he saw Jeno’s expression reflecting that feeling.

“Man,” Jeno sighed, trying to picture himself in Renjun’s shoes. It felt miserable. “That fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” Renjun replied in a voice that sounded both exhausted and defeated, still looking straight ahead.

They remained like that for a few more moments. Jeno didn’t really intend to stay, but it didn’t feel right to leave Renjun alone in that state. And it’s not like Renjun was pushing him away (Or perhaps, he just felt like he owed Jeno the company after what Jeno did for him).

For what seemed like a taste of eternity, Renjun broke the silence by apologizing for unloading everything to Jeno and taking up a lot of his time. Jeno reassured him that it’s fine, because it really was. It’s not like he had better things to do today.

Jeno then walked with Renjun to the bus stop before they parted ways, mostly to make sure that Renjun won’t experience a relapse while in a deserted part of the neighborhood. He came back to his apartment with the memory of a moment with a guy that he probably would never see again, but he was still glad to have helped.

But as it turned out, he was wrong. He did see the stranger again.

A couple of days after that encounter, Changbin finally returned his motorcycle and Jeno was now able to ditch commuting and drive his way to work. While passing through the bus stop, he saw a familiar face sitting sullenly by the benches. And it didn’t even take too long for the guy to turn their head to Jeno’s direction and recognize him too.

“Jeno?” Renjun asked as he walked towards Jeno’s motorcycle. “The guy from… last…?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” Jeno replied, sparing Renjun from having to recount what happened. Renjun didn’t look entirely okay, but at least he’s in a better state compared to that night.

Renjun let out a low whistle. “Small world.”

Jeno nodded. He gauged Renjun’s expression and, after making sure that he looked well somehow, asked, “Can you breathe now?”

Renjun only glared at him as Jeno laughed, although the corner of his lips were turning up too. At least Jeno didn’t mention the best friend .

“Anyway,” Jeno spoke, glancing at the amount of people filing into the bus shed which seemed to be increasing at any moment. “Are you waiting for the bus?”

“Yeah,” Renjun said, groaning right away as he noticed the growing number of passengers. “Commute is a bitch.”

“Tell me all about it,” Jeno shrugged, leaning over the handles of his motorcycle. “That's why I got this. So I can navigate through any type of traffic and any type of road.”

Renjun then raised an eyebrow as he looked at the motorcycle. “You didn’t have this one last time.”

“My friend borrowed it,” Jeno responded. “So I walked that night.”

An “o” shape is formed on Renjun’s mouth. “That’s right… you never told me why you were out that night.”

“I went from the gym, and then I decided to buy some takoyaki so I walked,” Jeno said, briefly glancing at his wristwatch to check if he was late. Nope, he had time. “You know… appreciating nature, soul searching, giving a hand to a stranger who needed it…”

Renjun snorted. “Soul searching. As if.”

“Hey! You never know, I could be an adult going through a midlife crisis just like you,” Jeno laughed. “I told you, I don’t know how to do my taxes either.”

“Nobody knows how to do their taxes,” Renjun grumbled. And then, “So you’re headed to the gym now?”

Jeno shook his head. “No, I only have certain days where I go to the gym. I’m actually headed for work at the pharmacy.”

“Wow, a pharmacist. Which pharmacy do you work at?”

“Eastwest.”

Renjun’s eyes went wide. “No kidding? That’s only a couple of buildings away from my office!”

“Cool,” Jeno remarked, and before he could register what he’s saying, he followed with, “Since it’s near my work, I could give you a ride there if you want? You have a lot of competition for bus seats, anyway.”

Jeno only realized what he said after seeing the surprise on Renjun’s face. Sure, he somehow helped him before, but that didn’t change the fact that they didn’t know each other. All Renjun knew about Jeno was that he has a motorcycle, goes to the gym, and is a pharmacist, and all Jeno knew about Renjun was that he’s in love with his engaged best friend, whoever they may be. Their only common threads at this point were the memory of the brief moment they shared and the fact that they suck at taxes. Renjun must have thought of the same things too.

But then they both turned to check the condition of the bus shed and more people started to pile in and the incoming bus from the distance looked halfway full already so when Jeno handed his spare helmet, Renjun immediately took it.

It was efficient, after all. Jeno managed to drop Renjun off at his work with still thirty minutes left to spare. Renjun joked about doing this again and treating Jeno next time for lunch in exchange for sparing him the commute, something they both laughed at before Jeno finally left for the pharmacy.

And it turned out that it wasn’t a joke.. Because the next day, Jeno made sure to slow down by the bus shed to see if Renjun was there, and indeed he was, already sheepishly grinning at Jeno as the guy reached for the spare helmet. On the third day, Jeno gave him a ride to work again and agreed to meet up with him for lunch. Just like what was promised, Renjun paid for the entire thing. Jeno made up to him by paying for the next lunch on their fourth day. 

They were supposed to remain as strangers, just people in passing to each other, but now there’s a yellow sticker plastered on Jeno’s spare helmet that Renjun jokingly put for ownership and they’re already texting different menus of nearby eateries they scouted and somehow, someway, Jeno found Renjun’s presence already ingrained in his everyday life.

Been saying "yes" instead of "no"
I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

It’s almost eight am and Renjun is still nowhere to be seen. 

Jeno expected this, but he still waits. Maybe Renjun is running late, and he probably needs a ride now more than ever since it’s a difficult period for him. It’s the least Jeno could do. Really.

Eight am becomes eight fifteen, eight fifteen becomes eight thirty. At eight forty-five, Jeno is on the verge of being late. He’s now fiddling with the other helmet—Renjun’s helmet—as he lets the minutes pass by, tracing the edges of the yellow sticker on it every now and then. Why am I still here?

Another bus stops by the shed. It’s now nine am and Jeno is officially late. Sunlight prickles his skin as he comes to the realization that Renjun won’t be showing up today. I shouldn’t be here.

The memory of Renjun’s defeated smile in the wedding takes over Jeno’s mind.

He shakes his head lightly in an attempt to clear out these thoughts, putting Renjun’s helmet back to its place, but not without noticing that the yellow sticker is starting to peel off. The bus by the shed leaves, and Jeno kickstarts his motorcycle and follows suit.

When he arrives at the pharmacy, he’s already late for a good twenty-three minutes. Chenle waits for the elderly lady he’s serving to leave before he looks at Jeno disapprovingly.

“You’re late,” Chenle states as Jeno puts on his coat. 

“Traffic,” Jeno lies, shooting him an apologetic smile while he signs his name on the logbook. “Got held up near the intersection.”

He knows Chenle doesn’t buy it, but Chenle doesn’t say anything else for a while after that; like he’s debating going through with it. Eventually, he does and says, “You’re weird lately.”

“Huh?”

“You’re weird lately,” Chenle repeats, sounding amused. He crosses his arms and tilts his head to the side, regarding Jeno with a now curious look. “I’ve thought so ever since you ditched our sports hang out. What’s gotten into you?”

The door to the pharmacy opens, sunlight making its way through the sudden open entrance. A customer stands by the gateway, not knowing they just allowed Jeno an escape from the conversation. And of course, Jeno immediately takes the chance.

“Good morning,” he greets the customer with a practiced smile. “How can we help you?”

As the customer recounts their business, Jeno feels Chenle’s gaze burning through him, like he’s being judged. Jeno pretends not to notice this and proceeds to work, simply letting him be. Jeno can’t really blame the guy. After all the things he did between going to the wedding and waiting by the bus shed, if he were in Chenle’s place, Jeno would’ve judged himself too.

We never painted by the numbers, baby
But we were making it count

The engagement or the wedding wasn’t really brought up a lot in Renjun and Jeno’s conversations. Whenever it was mentioned, Renjun would quickly find something else to talk about and Jeno would go along. Though, Renjun wasn’t really avoiding it. He offhandedly mentions it sometimes like that time Jeno complained about this cute girl in the gym that is no longer single and Renjun snorted and said at least you’re not a loser who’s in love with their engaged best friend . For quite a while, joking was the extent of Renjun’s tolerance towards the topic.

Until one day, Renjun openly talked about it. That encounter also made Renjun more open about his feelings, which was reflected in the succeeding times that they grabbed lunch.

“Your addiction to takoyaki is insane,” Renjun commented as Jeno opened the box he purchased. 

They were at a mandu stall per Renjun’s request, and even though they were dead set on eating mandu, Jeno couldn’t help himself when he saw a takoyaki vendor along their way.

Jeno happily put one in his mouth and grinned at Renjun right after. “I’d like to call it devotion.”

Renjun only rolled his eyes. He picked up his chopsticks and took one of Jeno’s takoyaki balls, not even trying to be subtle about it.

Jeno only deadpanned at Renjun’s smug face as the other guy munched on the stolen food loudly. As a response, Jeno took his phone and snapped a picture of Renjun’s ridiculous face, and it somehow caught Renjun in an unpresentable expression. Jeno smirked, proud of his capture.

Renjun raised an eyebrow at him as soon as he realized what Jeno did. “Well played, Jeno Lee.”

Usually, Jeno was the one that’s doing the food stealing. Because of this, Renjun developed a habit he’d like to call “capturing the thief in act”, where he would snap a picture of Jeno eating the food he stole as a reminder of his crime and what he hoped would be future proprietors of Jeno’s shame. 

“This takoyaki is good, though,” Renjun added, nodding his head in approval. “I’ll give you that.”

Jeno happily ate another one. “All takoyakis are good.”

Renjun snorts. “And he said it’s not an addiction. I bet you probably make takoyaki at home.”

“I don’t,” Jeno remarked, shaking his head. “I choose to just spend the last remaining pieces of my coin purse.”

“You don’t?” Renjun asked, looking even more judgmental all of a sudden.

“Well, I don’t really have a recipe,” Jeno pointed out. And he didn’t have the time and skills, if he was being honest. “Besides, I don’t have those trays where you mold the takoyaki. And other people are already cooking it, so why should I? I mean, you don’t cook mandu even though it’s your favorite.”

“Ah,” Renjun laughed. “That’s where you’re wrong though. I cook mandu.”

Jeno paused poking on his food. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, I have my own recipe,” Renjun beamed proudly. Jeno tried his best not to laugh. “I can give it to you, if you want. If you’re gonna get addicted to food, you might as well be addicted to the best one.”

“No thanks,” Jeno said again, but Renjun was already pulling a fading receipt from his wallet and scribbling down a cooking guide on it. 

Well, it’s not like he’s gonna use it anyway. He let Renjun write the thing and accepted it once the guy handed it to him with a proud look on his face. Jeno placed it inside his wallet, although he didn’t really know if he’d ever take it out of there again.

After that, they continued to eat their food in silence. Sometimes Jeno couldn’t believe that he and Renjun were still having lunch together even though it had been months since they first did it. He thought they’d probably get tired of it in a week or two, but there they were. He liked it, though. It was good to have a friend whose company you always look forward to having.

He was about to order more mandu for himself when Renjun finally broke the silence and said, “The invitation is here.”

Jeno didn’t need any more clarification on what invitation Renjun was talking about. He carefully glanced towards Renjun, gauging his reaction as he said that. It was a big shift from the lighthearted exchange they just had. Jeno had always been careful when it came to this topic, knowing how much it mattered (and hurt) Renjun, that’s why he almost never brought it up. Renjun didn’t really talk a lot about it nor did he further explain his situation, but Jeno thought that the invitation must have been hard to keep to himself, considering that it seemed like Renjun’s pain was materialized.

“Wow, they’re really doing it,” Jeno commented unhelpfully, looking back at his food. 

There was a heavy sigh that almost made his heart ache. “Yeah…”

And then there was a piece of paper swept under his face, just beside his plate. It’s scented and pleasant and vibrant and gold and everything that felt like the opposite of the current atmosphere. Jeno warily picked it up and looked at its contents; the venue, the time, and the entourage where Renjun’s name was written above the title Lee Donghyuck’s Best Man.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno said. He wasn’t sure if they were the right words, but he didn’t know what else to say.

Renjun laughed, but it was hollow. “Don’t be. I kind of expected this.”

Jeno gave in and looked at Renjun again. This time, the guy was looking at the sky, the food abandoned and the eyes determined to not look down. “You okay?”

“No,” Renjun answered quickly, quietly, and honestly. He let out a long sigh before shaking his head and meeting Jeno’s eyes with a smile. His eyes shined for the wrong reasons. “Of course I’m not okay. Best Man duties can be a bitch, you know? I’m gonna have more work to do!”

And there it was; Renjun falling back to humor to mask the pain. Jeno was genuinely concerned and didn’t really want to leave the topic, but he also thought that he might hurt Renjun more by doing that so he just went along. 

“Oh yeah, those suck,” he agreed. “And you’ll probably be moving around a lot while scouting for stuff. That’s got to be tiring.”

“Well…” Renjun trailed, placing his elbows on the table and letting his head lean on his palms. “Unless you’re willing to drive me around.”

Jeno snorted. “Not a chance.”

“Come on! You’ll be the best man’s best man.”

“That’s not a thing. Plus, the grooms don’t even know me.”

“I’ll cook you mandu.”

“Seriously? Mandu in exchange for the expensive diesel I’m gonna have to pay for if I drive you around?”

“Fine,” Renjun grinned. “I’ll make you a takoyaki recipe. I’ll cook it too.”

Jeno knew Renjun was only kidding and that their entire exchange was all a joke, but the thought of one of his favorite things in the world being made by a friend as a gift for him ultimately made him smile sincerely.

And it was that gesture that made Renjun drop the pretense for a while and mirror the same genuine smile.

I guess you never know, never know
And if you wanted me, you really should've showed

I shouldn’t be here.

It’s just a box of mandu with a small container of homemade chili sauce, and yet it feels heavier than it should in Jeno’s hands. A simple meal concocted from a recipe scribbled at the back of an already fading receipt—that’s all there is to it; but it feels like there’s too much thought and feeling exerted during the process of making it that it still lingers. It slows Jeno down as he second guesses the steps he takes.

He stays outside of the building where Renjun works at for a few minutes, shifting his weight from side to side as he reconsiders his decisions. Before he could even settle on just going back, the security guard by the door has had enough of his pacing and asks what business Jeno has to do there. 

Jeno doesn’t answer right away. He glances at the paper bag that holds the mandu and the chili sauce, trying to force the words out. But then, if he says them out loud, there definitely is no going back this time.

I shouldn’t be here, his mind echoes the same thing he’s been thinking on the way here. I shouldn’t be bringing this here.

“Are you here to deliver lunch?” The guard then asks, noticing the stuff he’s holding.

Jeno slowly nods, still not saying a word. 

The guard makes him record his name on the logbook before directing him to the canteen where food orders and deliveries are being asked to wait. The employees will be having their lunch break soon and will arrive in the canteen in no time, but Jeno is still advised by the guard to message the person whom the food is for.

Time passes and more people start to fill the area. Jeno sits at one of the corner tables, unsure of what to do. At some point, he pulls out a spare piece of paper he got from the pharmacy and just writes down Renjun’s name, but even that action of putting his intentions from mere mental footnotes to something tangible weighs his hand down with every stroke. I shouldn’t be here.

He looks at the paper. The original print of the document bleeds through the back page where Renjun’s name is scribbled in a rushed manner; a part of Jeno’s regular daily routine now marked with a name that shouldn’t be there, but is.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts once more employees start to enter the canteen. It doesn’t even take Jeno more than a minute to find Renjun. The guy is talking to another employee, and Jeno can’t help but notice his weary expression. He tries not to show it, but anyone who’s spent enough time with him would know that sullen look anywhere. He is once again taken back to the time he saw Renjun at the wedding.

Renjun’s companion then goes to one of the vacant tables while Renjun goes to the comfort room by one of the exits. Renjun’s companion places a foldable umbrella on a vacant table on the other side of the room before he returns to the queue to save their seats while they order.

Jeno glances at the paper bag he’s holding. Renjun will come back to the canteen any minute and will probably sit on the table with his companion’s umbrella. Jeno can give him the mandu meal by then so he won’t have to order anything. Maybe they can even talk a little bit and he can ask Renjun how he’s been. Jeno doesn’t have to be in the gym for an hour, and the place isn’t that far from here, so it’ll be fine—except, he’s not really sure if it is. I shouldn’t be here.

Everybody in the canteen is minding their own business that’s why no one gives Jeno a second glance as he takes a deep breath and makes his way to what he assumes is Renjun’s table. Once he reaches the space, he carefully places the paperbag on top and lingers there for a little bit.

What even is he waiting for? The food is there, the paper containing Renjun’s name is there, and once Renjun comes back from the comfort room, the mission is done. That’s it. Does Renjun have to know that the food is from him? No, not really. So what is Jeno still doing here?

I shouldn’t be here, his brain repeats, like it’s reiterating the answer to his thoughts. But all he can hear now is the thump thump thump of his heart that changes the “shouldn’t” to “want to” in every beat.

But why exactly does he want to?

Because Renjun is my friend, Jeno tells himself. I am concerned because he is my friend. He would do it for Chenle. He would do it for his sister. He would do it for his friends both from the pharmacy and the gym. Of course, he would do it for Renjun.

So then why the hell is he feeling this way?

Who is he to Renjun, anyway? To waltz in his office unannounced bringing something he didn’t ask and hoping to spare some of his time with a conversation that can easily be done virtually? 

Jeno shakes his head lightly and makes his way to the exit. It’s better this way; Renjun gets the food, and he wouldn’t know that it’s from Jeno, sparing them from any awkward talks that might rattle the balance of this semblance of a friendship that they have.

I shouldn’t be here.

Finally coming to terms with that thought, Jeno leaves.

But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring 20s, tossing pennies in the pool

Jeno closes the food delivery app on his phone while letting out a frustrated sigh. He’s craving for food from one of the Japanese food places he really likes, but they’re currently unavailable for delivery. It’s not like he can’t go outside, but Jeno is too lazy to leave the gym for lunch today. 

Changbin used to accompany him every noon to eat outside until the guy got himself a boyfriend to eat lunch with. From then on, Jeno either brings a packed lunch with him or, if the dinner leftovers are spoiled, he’ll just order. Changbin did invite Jeno today to join him and his boyfriend, but the last time Jeno took up on that offer, he just felt a bitter pang of loneliness every time he saw Changbin and his boyfriend look at each other. 

(Of course, there’s also that brief time of his life when he and Renjun would grab lunch together somewhere, but Jeno isn’t really sure if that’s still on the table.) 

He’s about to give up on the thought of lunch when Changbin returns to their aisle with a food box in his hand, which Jeno assumes is his lunch.

“I thought you’re meeting Hyunjin?” Jeno asks him as he pockets his phone and rummages through his duffel bag for a spare clean towel.

“I am,” Changbin responds. “He’s actually outside, waiting for me.”

Jeno nods. “Oh. What brings you here then?”

At first, Jeno thinks that Changbin might be back to convince him to join them again, but then Changbin places the food box on top of Jeno’s chair and points at it. As if that gesture pretty much explains his reason.

“What?” Jeno deadpans. “You’re giving me your lunch?”

Changbin shakes his head. “That’s not mine. Hyunjin cooked for us today. He saw that with the guard, though. It has your name on it. Thought it was your delivery, but you didn’t come down with me so I figured you didn’t know it was there.”

Jeno furrows his eyebrows at the food box. Sure enough, there are two small papers taped on the lid, just above a logo that reads Taro Takoyaki. On one of the papers is his name, written with a handwriting he can recognize, and on the other paper is a note with the same handwriting, except it’s in a smaller size in an attempt to fit the entire message in the limited space provided.

He hears Changbin smirk as Jeno reads the message. “Sap.”

Jeno looks up from the paper. “Huh?”

Changbin’s grinning as he shakes his head lightly. “You have a ridiculous smile on your face right now. It suits you, though.”

Jeno doesn’t even know he’s smiling until Changbin points it out.

Before he can even voice a retort, Changbin is already making his way out, laughing as he retreats. Jeno rolls his eyes and goes back to reading the note. After that, he carefully opens the lid and the white smoke from the takoyakis in the container wafts around, the scrumptious smell already filling his appetite.

Jeno picks up the chopsticks and enjoys the meal with a smile he still doesn’t know hasn’t left his face. Beside the box, the paper with the message is facing him, causing the smile to grow wider every time his eyes glance towards the note.

The prescription paper was a giveaway, dipshit. Also don’t think I wouldn’t recognize my own recipe. I don’t know if you still like takoyaki. Need to do something about that. Hope the yellow sticker is still there. 

(When Monday comes, there is an adhesive acrylic sheet covering the yellow sticker to keep it in place. When he reaches the bus stop, Renjun is already there.

And this time, during lunch, Jeno isn’t alone.)

I guess you never know, never know
And it's another day waking up alone

Over time, Jeno sees the small but notable changes in Renjun’s expressions in the brief moments where Renjun allows himself to unmask his pretenses. Jeno knows that their first meeting probably has a lot to do with Renjun feeling comfortably honest around him, but he’s nonetheless honored. 

It’s like falling back into routine. Jeno gives Renjun a ride to work, and occasionally, if their schedule permits, they’ll have lunch together. There are little hangouts sprinkled around too, but they’re always spontaneous and fleeting. It’s recurring, but he never knows when . It’s possible, but he never knows if it will. It’s there, but he never knows if it’ll be here.

That’s why Jeno is mildly surprised when he receives a text from Renjun inviting him to go to a club tonight. After Donghyuck’s wedding, Jeno knew Renjun would have to do something like this eventually, but he didn’t really think it would be now.

let’s hit the shinhwa club tonight, the text reads. bringing my roommate. u’ll like him. we’re gonna get pissed drunk and dance!

The message leaves no room for choice. Renjun isn’t asking him if he could come—he’s saying that he should. There’s practically a plan already.

(And it’s not like Jeno would say no if Renjun asked him.)

That’s how he ends up at the bar of Shinhwa Club, turning down what seems to be the sixth or seventh person to engage in a conversation with him. Jeno is not foreign to the lifestyle; he and Changbin used to go to clubs several times. In fact, the guy met his boyfriend in one of them. It’s why he’s not surprised that people are coming over to talk. Normally, he’d entertain them, but this time, that’s not what he’s here for.

Jeno doesn’t give any of the strangers second glances after he politely declines their invites, except for this one guy whose unruly blond hair seemed familiar so that it made him look again. 

Except, the other features are different. Wrong. Not what Jeno is looking—hoping for. The lips are too thin, the jaw is too sharp. The eyes are not round. Not carrying the amusing glint he’s gotten used to seeing. Not someone’s . 

Now that he thinks about it, even the hair is a lighter shade.

He gives them an apologetic smile before he looks away.

Jeno thinks it’s ridiculous that he even mistook the stranger for someone else. Because in a few moments after that, it doesn’t even take a half second for Jeno to spot Renjun arriving in the club with his roommate in tow. In the next half second, Renjun sees him as well and grins.

“Why are you early?” Renjun immediately asks, taking the stool beside Jeno. “It’s not even 9 pm.”

He is right; why is Jeno early? It’s not like Jeno has any other agenda other than meeting Renjun, but perhaps there lay the answer already.

Jeno doesn’t even get to reply before Renjun introduces his roommate that he brought with him. Jaemin reminds Jeno of the sweet leading men in the dramas he used to watch. Jaemin has a nice smile and a pleasant personality, although he clings to Renjun a little too much for Jeno’s liking. It’s not like Renjun hates skinship, but he only seldomly allows it. The action must be stemming from Jaemin as a person. 

(Jeno feels a little jealous.)

After a few minutes of talking about a recent movie that they all apparently streamed, Renjun excuses himself and leaves Jeno and Jaemin to continue getting to know each other, but not without winking at Jeno before disappearing into the dancing crowd.

It’s a harmless gesture, probably done with thought and care for a friend, but it stings Jeno all the same. Renjun setting him up with someone speaks volumes about their friendship and how he sees Jeno. Whatever they are, Jeno is sure that they’re not the same on the other end—on his end.

Jaemin politely picks up the conversation and Jeno tries his best to match his energy. He doesn’t really process much, mostly because his eyes keep flitting towards Renjun every now and then, checking to see how the guy is doing. He knows it’s rude and he’ll probably hate himself after this, but he just can’t seem to keep his attention on another guy that isn’t Renjun. They’re all good, but they’re all wrong.

Meanwhile, Renjun is on the dance floor, sweet talking his way with strangers as they let him join their dance circle to collectively sway along the beat. Renjun has spent a lot of time sulking because of what happened, and Jeno’s just glad that he’s letting himself relax in some way.

Jeno realizes that he’s been too focused on Renjun that he forgot about reacting to whatever it is Jaemin is talking about. However, as he turns to the guy to give him his practiced nod, Jaemin is no longer talking. Instead, he’s looking at Jeno with curious interest.

Jeno clears his throat, feeling ashamed. “I’m sorry,”

“You’re good,” Jaemin says again as he pours some more beer in his shot glass. “You’re not my type either. I just went along with Renjun because your name comes up a lot in the apartment and I got curious.”

Jeno immediately pushes down the hope threatening to rise. “Still, I’m sorry. You did all the talking and I was nothing but a useless companion.”

Jaemin laughs before he downs a shot again. He wipes the corner of his mouth before he says, “Don’t be. Your actions told me everything I had to know.”

Jeno doesn’t know what to feel about. It’s not like he’s hiding it, but he has also never voiced it out. Never put it into writing. Never left a mark and never left his mind. Right now, Jaemin looks at him like he’s got Jeno all figured out as if he can see right through the pretenses that Jeno is struggling to keep up. 

Not really wanting Jaemin to dig through his feelings, Jeno looks away from him and his eyes instantly find Renjun like instinct. Only this time, he sees that Renjun isn’t alone. He’s now talking to the guy dancing along with him while smiling and tapping their shoulder in a definitely flirtatious manner.

Jeno is not a strong drinker, but he reaches to grab the liquor bottle. Jaemin’s hand stops him just in time.

“Don’t,” Jaemin warns, looking back and forth between Jeno and the non-companionless Renjun on the other side of the room. He must’ve followed Jeno’s line of sight a while ago. “You said you came with a motorcycle. You can’t drive when you’re tipsy.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“You keep apologizing a lot,” Jaemin sighs as he slouches on his seat. He turns to look over at Renjun’s direction again, and Jeno uses that as a cue—as an excuse to do the same.

Renjun is still talking to the guy. Jeno sees him trying to match their energy, but he also sees how Renjun’s eyes have the tendency to dart around. Like he’s not sure.

“Aren’t you gonna go and stop him?”

Jeno doesn’t look at Jaemin when he asks that. He doesn’t want to subject himself to further scrutiny. Instead, he keeps his eyes trained on a smiling Renjun whose actions still feel tentative. 

“Why should I?” Jeno whispers, both as a reply to Jaemin and a question to himself.

“He’s here to look for a distraction,” Jaemin answers. “For an escape.”

Jeno shrugs, now eyeing Renjun’s companion like he’s trying to discern their decency. “Well, he’s in the right place.”

“You know Renjun,” Jaemin states as-a-matter-of-factly. “He doesn’t need—no, he doesn’t want something like this.”

Jaemin is right. Even if anyone thinks otherwise, it simply isn’t the case. Renjun doesn’t want a memory that disappears along with the midnight where it took place. He doesn’t want a dent in his bed sheets that will be long forgotten once he smoothens them out. He doesn’t want something temporary.

Even so, Jeno has no rule over him. Only Renjun has the right to his heart, and whatever it drives him to do.

He lets out a soft snicker at Jaemin’s statement. “You’re making it sound like he needs something deeper than this.”

“I’m not wrong,” Jaemin answers without missing a beat. “You and I both know that.”

Jeno is still watching Renjun. After a few seconds of talking to the guy, Renjun finally shakes and bows his head, like he’s apologizing for something. Eventually, the guy leaves and Renjun is left companionless.

“He doesn’t need love,” Jeno responds. At least not right now. He finally averts his gaze from Renjun and meets Jaemin’s curious stare again. It doesn’t bother him as much as it did before. “He needs time.”

In my defense, I have none
For digging up the grave another time

That event at the bar somehow brought forth a new friendship between Jeno and Jaemin. It’s not what Renjun intended, but it’s what both parties involved preferred. Jeno even manages to convince Jaemin to get a membership at their gym, which somehow brings them closer. 

Their middle ground has always been Renjun, though. Even during their sessions at the gym, Jaemin will bring up Renjun whenever he tries to engage Jeno in a conversation. Jeno deflects most of the questions Jaemin throws at him, but Jaemin still asks them anyway because the other guy knows Jeno is unable to resist anything that involves Renjun. 

Renjun sometimes takes advantage of this new found friendship between his friends. Jaemin and Jeno only ever text when it comes to gym invitations, and the only one giving variety in their chat box is Renjun. Sometimes he uses Jaemin’s number to text Jeno whenever he can’t find his phone, and sometimes he uses Jeno’s number to text Jaemin. 

That’s why when he receives a text from Jaemin in the middle of his late night tennis game with Chenle, Jeno thinks it must be from Renjun again. He and Jaemin went to the gym together just two days ago, so it can’t be about that.

When Chenle insists they check the water break, Jeno quickly checks the message. He frowns the instant he reads it: is renjun with u?

no, Jeno replies instantly, following it up with why’d you ask?

The few seconds between Jeno’s message getting sent and Jaemin’s reply getting delivered feels like an excruciating taste of eternity. It drives Jeno restless and pacing around. Chenle raises an eyebrow at him as he drinks from his water bottle.

Finally, Jaemin’s reply arrives. he’s not home from work yet. he was supposed to be here hours ago, but he’s not answering my calls. i checked with other people too. they don’t know where he is.

“What the fuck?” Jeno is unable to stop the words from slipping. Chenle looks at him with concern.

i’ll let u know when i find him, Jaemin sends another text like he knows what Jeno is thinking. dont worry

Jeno scoffs. Don’t worry? The first time he met Renjun, the guy was in the middle of a panic attack. And now, said guy can’t be reached. How can Jeno not worry?

He immediately calls Renjun. It rings a few times, and then voicemail. He tries this again, but there’s still no answer.

“Everything okay?” Chenle finally asks.

Jeno sighs. “I don’t know…”

“Why? What’s up?”

“It’s just this… friend,” Jeno lets out, the weight of the last word lingering in his tongue. “He can’t be reached. He’s worried.”

“Oh,” Chenle says warily. 

Jeno feels bad. He’s already ditched Chenle in one of the tennis invites he made, and he’s also taken advantage of the fact that they’re friends by letting Chenle cover up for his tardiness that one day. The common thread between these two situations is stringing another one. He doesn’t want to worry about Renjun, but he can’t help it. He’ll probably perform poorly today because he won’t be able to focus.

This must have been reflected in his expression because Chenle gives him a small pat on the shoulder before smiling and saying, “Go.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you’re clearly bothered and worried,” Chenle reassures him sincerely. “Seriously. Even I am getting worried, and I don’t even know the guy. Just go. We can play another time.”

Jeno purses his lips. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Chenle nods. “I got a feeling that if anyone’s gonna find him, it’s you.”

Jeno doesn’t know how to answer that. Chenle laughs a little at his awestruck expression.

“Go on,” Chenle grins. “Go to him.”

After giving Chenle a sudden bone crushing hug and several promises of many more tennis games (which is followed by a playful shove and a sincere good luck ), Jeno quickly gathers his things and makes his way outside.

Jeno kickstarts his motorcycle with no fucking clue on where to go first. His body is practically on autopilot mode as he navigates the roads while his mind is thinking hard about where Renjun could possibly be. He hasn’t appreciated how big the world is until today, when he speeds through roads that could go on for years and corners that feel impossibly endless.

He tries looking everywhere . He tries Renjun’s office, he tries the restaurant where they often have lunch together, and he also tries the other food places surrounding it. He even tries to go to the pharmacy and the gym just in case, even though he knows those routes are dead ends like they always are.

In the end, Jeno takes himself by the curb near a desolate pizza parlor where he first met Renjun. It’s an unlikely place to calm down, but he needs to collect himself and rationalize his thoughts as soon as possible and this is the closest place he could go to (and also the first one he thought of).

It’s wishful thinking and he doesn’t actually expect to see Renjun there, but he does. Renjun is there by the same corner Jeno saw him almost a year back.

Only, Renjun isn’t alone.

There’s someone Jeno doesn’t recognize crouching beside Renjun with their arm wrapped around him, like they’re either comforting or talking sense to him. Renjun glares at the guy, but even through his pissed expressions, Jeno can see the hint of a smile Renjun sends them. They seem like they’re in their own world, away from the rest of it, Jeno feels like he’s intruding the moment by watching them.

Moreover, Jeno doesn’t have to recognize the guy to know that this is Donghyuck.

From the way Renjun is leaning against him, the way he lets the other guy guide him, the way he lets himself get held like that, the way their simple gestures somehow are in sync with each other, the way they make it seem like rest of the world falls away—it’s definitely Donghyuck.

Renjun almost looks the same as the first time Jeno met him. Breathless, broken, but whole . 

But unlike the first time, Renjun doesn’t look lost.

Jeno feels something constrict in his chest at that.

It’s also then that Jeno realizes that Donghyuck isn’t talking to Renjun; no, he’s singing to him. The guy’s voice somehow reached Jeno’s bleak corner already, adding melody to what used to be just the post highway rush and the blaring thoughts in his mind. And soon enough, Jeno sees Renjun fall asleep on Donghyuck’s shoulder eventually.

Well, there’s that. It doesn’t look like he’s needed anymore (but then again, maybe he never was).

Jeno turns around and is about to go away when he suddenly hears Donghyuck’s voice. “Can I help you?”

Leave, Jeno tells himself quickly. Leave and spare yourself. Spare your time— thoughts— your heart— just fucking leave.

He’s about to do just that when Donghyuck calls him again, but this time with, “Are you Jeno?”

Jeno curses under his breath. It’s like life or fate or whatever higher being is in control is toying with him right now. The runaway route is tempting, just speeding off and never looking back to the moment he never really belonged, but the thought of Donghyuck telling Renjun all about it keeps Jeno rooted in his spot. 

Not really seeing an escape, he turns to look at Donghyuck and offers an awkward nod. “Hey. Donghyuck?”

Jeno already knows the answer, but he asks it anyway.

Donghyuck smiles, and god, even that feels more vibrant than the rest of Jeno’s being. “That’s me.”

Jeno’s eyes flit to the sleeping figure on Donghyuck’s shoulder, and Donghyuck, of course, doesn’t miss this gesture. “He had a bad day at work,” Donghyuck explains to him, carefully cradling Renjun’s head to better position him on his shoulder. It stings Jeno. “Got a mental breakdown. Thought of resigning. So yeah, he called me and I basically went to calm him down so here we are.”

He called me. Of course .

Jeno nods, the truth overpowering all the fruitless wishes his heart has been whispering on the way here. “I see…”

Donghyuck then raises an eyebrow at Jeno. “How’d you know he was here?”

“I didn’t,” Jeno answers truthfully, feeling a bit ashamed. “His roommate called me because he was worried, and I figured I’d look around so… here we are.”

“I see, I see,” Donghyuck nods. “Sorry if I startled you when I called your name a while ago, by the way. You have tons of pictures on Renjun’s phone so I just kind of recognized you.”

Jeno grimaces, remembering all the unflattering photos Renjun took of him in retaliation every time he steals Renjun’s food. He almost winces a little more when he realizes that Renjun has shown them to Donghyuck—he really thought they are pieces of memory meant for the two of them alone, but then again, that’s just another one of his fruitless wishes. “Sorry you had to see those.”

Donghyuck laughs. “It’s cool. I’ve always wanted to meet you. Although, obviously in a better situation.”

He gestures to the now snoring Renjun beside him. It’s amazing how easily Renjun’s body submits to comfort with Donghyuck, how they perfectly blend together and you wouldn’t know where Renjun starts and Donghyuck ends. Jeno doubts that he’ll be able to do that with him.

“You got him now, right?” Jeno asks Donghyuck, now desperate to get away. He doesn’t even know why it’s bothering him too much, but it’s too grave to ignore. I shouldn’t be here.

“Yeah, I called my husband, he’ll be picking us up,” Donghyuck reassures him with a smile. Jeno sees Renjun’s figure subconsciously shift a little closer to Donghyuck. “I’ll make sure to let him know you came by.”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Jeno quickly replies, not really sure how Renjun will react with the information. It won’t be a negative reaction, but it also won’t be the opposite. Neutral. “I have to go now.”

He bows at Donghyuck before he quickly makes his way to his motorcycle, not bothering to look back. Donghyuck seems like a nice guy, and for a second, Jeno hates the fact that he understands why Renjun would like someone like him; warm, comfortable, and he looks like he got his shit figured out too.

“Thanks for looking after Renjun.”

That was Donghyuck. The words almost made Jeno freeze.

For the sake of his sanity, Jeno pretends like he didn’t hear it, puts on his helmet, and drives away.

He feels so stupid. Of course, Renjun will call Donghyuck first. What the hell is Jeno thinking? And after seeing them together, everything just makes sense. Renjun clings to Donghyuck like instinct. Renjun calls for Donghyuck like instinct. Renjun calling him makes sense. Donghyuck being there makes sense. It’s Jeno’s presence and stubborn persistence that doesn’t.

He speeds up so he could feel the harsh rush of the wind instead of whatever emotional turmoil he’s going through right now. He tries so hard not to think about the way Renjun leans to Donghyuck. He fights to focus on keeping his balance as the truth sinks in: No matter what happens, no matter who else comes into his life, Renjun will always, always, look for Donghyuck first.

The acceptance of that truth doesn’t lessen the pain brought by its intrusion.

And if my wishes came true
It would've been you

“I have to tell you something,” Renjun says while he’s mixing the contents of his plate. They’re currently in a bibimbap restaurant for lunch. “Don’t feel too pressured about it, though.”

Jeno steals a kimchi leaf from Renjun’s plate. “Depends. What is it?”

Renjun retaliates by snapping a candid photo of him. “We have an alumni reunion for our college organization. It’s got this big buffet and open bar. There’s also a DJ, so I guess there will be a rave and dancing. Do you want to come with me?”

Jeno’s heartbeat rises. “Am I allowed?”

“We can invite a plus one,” Renjun shrugs. “Donghyuck is bringing that husband of his. So I figured I can bring you.”

Donghyuck. Of course. 

Jeno turns to look at his now half-empty plate, not really knowing what to feel.

“There’s a lot of Japanese food there,” Renjun adds, like that statement could easily convince Jeno. “I know you’ll have a feast with the takoyaki. You’ll have fun.”

Jeno smiles, but the harsh truth is sinking in him again.

He hasn’t really thought about his encounter with Donghyuck, mostly because he swats it away any time it attempts to resurface in his mind, but no matter how much he avoids it, the truth always finds its way. And by some cruel trick of fate, it’s Renjun delivering it.

Of course, Renjun invites Jeno because Donghyuck is bringing his husband. If given the chance, Renjun would probably go without a plus one because Donghyuck is already there, and that alone would be enough for him. But that’s not the case, so he invites Jeno. A second option.

What a cruel, cruel truth.

Jeno looks up and sees Renjun smiling at him in anticipation. He cherishes moments like these, where he and Renjun form a world of their own in some random public corner, sharing food and laughter and memories. But it’s only today that these quiet times with Renjun are just illusions—illusions he’s holding onto because he’s trying to avoid the truth. 

That he will never be Renjun’s first choice, because he’s not Donghyuck. Fruitless wishes.

The memory of Renjun in Donghyuck’s arms wedges in his mind again, and he can’t swat it away this time.

Hoping the brokenness won’t reflect in his voice, Jeno smiles and says, “Okay.”

We were something, don't you think so?
Rosé flowing with your chosen family

When the day of the reunion arrives, Jeno notices that the plus one rule isn’t really strict. Some are being plus two’s and three’s, and it just becomes a big party extension. Luckily, everybody is very welcoming, so Jeno isn’t really feeling left out. Renjun also hasn’t left his side, which is most likely the source of the comfort he’s feeling.

It’s also the first time he meets Donghyuck’s husband. He’s tall, clumsy, has a pretty heart shaped smile, and always gravitates towards Donghyuck with an adoring look. Jeno develops a habit of always checking Renjun's expression whenever they encounter Donghyuck and his husband. It looks forlorn, but Jeno is not quite sure.

As Renjun promised, the buffet is heaven. Jeno politely takes the acceptable amount of every viand by the table, but when they reach the takoyaki corner, Renjun takes it upon himself to grab a brand new plate and fill it with takoyaki. He thrusts the plate towards Jeno and insists on bringing them to the table, despite Jeno’s feeble protests. Somehow, he gets the feeling that the warmth he’s feeling inside isn’t simply brought by the takoyaki in his appetite, as Renjun had suggested.

Once dinner is over, a DJ takes over and encourages the crowd to push their chairs and tables to the side to make some space in the middle. Jeno is pulled to the center of the crowd sometime during the rave, and with the hype brought by the upbeat songs and happy persuasion from people, he lets the beat and percussion flow from the floor to his body and eventually, he finds himself dancing. He doesn’t know if he looks cool or idiotic, because the happy faces from the crowd could either be them being impressed or them laughing their asses out. His limbs will probably ache tomorrow due to the intense movements he’s being encouraged to do, but that pain will eventually subside. The fun brought by this moment, however, that will linger.

The music then shifts into something slower, and Jeno takes that as his cue to resign from the floor. The crowd is slowly separating into pairs, and no matter how much he had fun with them, Jeno doesn’t really want a random stranger to suddenly rope him into slow dancing. It feels a little personal and intimate, and the knowledge that Renjun is in the room makes the activity sound less appealing with anyone other than him.

Jeno quietly steps outside to grab some fresh air with the intention of looking for Renjun. There, without even having to look further, he spots him almost instantly.

The guy is holding a wine glass with barely any liquid left. Renjun is simply playing with the glass as he leans back by one of the railings of the function hall’s balcony, looking at the dancing people with misty eyes and a careful smile.

Jeno approaches him and leans at the railing beside Renjun. “What are you doing out here?”

Renjun only smiles sadly.

And then it happens. Once again, Renjun is dropping the mask. Jeno knows Renjun was guarded before while interacting with the people inside, and he thinks that it’s the alcohol and the privacy allows him to be honest with his emotions again. Just those, he tells himself. Nothing else.

The small smile on Renjun’s face is getting bleaker with every passing second. “Have you ever looked at someone with so much hope and heart that it literally takes your breath away, only to catch them looking at someone else the same way?”

Jeno follows Renjun’s eyes and unsurprisingly sees Donghyuck and his now husband happily dancing in the middle of the hall. He turns back to look at Renjun, noticing the slight tremble of his lips and the gradual glistening of his eyes.

His heart aches.

“I don’t know,” Jeno whispers, more to himself than as a reply to Renjun. He lets out a quiet, frustrated sigh. “I don’t know.”

Renjun sighs, still not looking away from the couple. “I hope you never have to experience that.”

You can’t be too sure, Jeno thinks in response, but he doesn’t say that out loud.

They let the silence wrap the atmosphere again. The music, the crickets, and the passing vehicles by the nearby road all feel like white noise to Jeno as he continues to observe Renjun with concern. This time though, he notices that Renjun looks different. It’s only then that he realizes that even the silence feels different. 

There’s a shift in the air, but it doesn’t feel sudden. Otherwise, Jeno would’ve immediately picked up on it. It feels like a gradual process towards something that you wouldn’t even realize happened until you’re there.

Even so, there’s no mistaking the emotion in Renjun’s eyes. It may appear in a different form from the first time, but it’s still there.

“You still love him,” Jeno breathes out softly. It’s a whisper meant for both Renjun and himself only.

Renjun shrugs helplessly. “I mean, I always do. He’s my best friend. But I get what you’re saying.”

Does he? Jeno wonders. Again, he doesn’t voice it out. He doesn’t think he ever will.

“It doesn’t sting as much as before,” Renjun says in a breathy chuckle. He downs the rest of his drink.

Treading lightly, Jeno asks, “What do you mean?”

“I remember the ache,” Renjun says, and it’s the clearest Jeno has heard him this evening. “I remember how much it hurt. But now, the ache is dull. Like it’s the memory of the pain that lingers, and not the pain itself. The sincerity of my happiness for Donghyuck was slow to arrive, but it’s here now. It used to be unbearable. But now…”

Renjun leaves an unfinished trail of words that Jeno longs to chase. But now what? Jeno wants to know. He needs to know.

“Now…?” Jeno asks, unable to stop his thoughts being translated into words. Everything else seems to fade away and the only ones he can focus on is Renjun and his damn heartbeat that’s now pounding in his ears.

Renjun turns to look at him, and maybe Jeno is simply deluding himself, but he sees something else in Renjun’s eyes. Something akin to the hope that surges through him at the very moment.

Renjun sends his sincerest smile yet and says, “Now, I can finally breathe.”

You know the greatest films of all time were never made

“Fucking hell,” Renjun groans audibly at his phone screen as they make their way to the parking lot. The party hasn’t ended yet, but both Renjun and Jeno don’t know what else to do there so they just decide to head home.

Jeno unties Renjun’s helmet from his motorcycle and hands it to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Jaemin has someone over,” Renjun mutters bitterly, but Jeno can see the corner of his lips turning up. “Looks like it’s gonna be a long night for him.”

“Oh. Will you wait…?”

“Are you kidding? They can probably go for hours, I’m not risking that,” Renjun laughs as he types his reply to Jaemin. He then pockets his phone and leans by the tree beside Jeno’s parking spot. “Happy for him, though.”

Jeno shares the same sentiments. “Yeah.”

A question then starts to surface but remains invoiced. With the apartment unavailable because of Jaemin’s business, Renjun has nowhere to go. Well, he can stay in the party if he wants, and Jeno would gladly accompany him if he asked to, but with the way Renjun is slumped against the tree trunk with his eyelids drooping already, Jeno knows it’s no longer an option.

A solution is obvious, though. Renjun’s friends are in the alumni party, and his colleagues in the workplace are probably sleeping already given that it’s already getting close to midnight. All Jeno has to do is offer. It’s easy and logical.

Let him stay at yours, his mind finally speaks.

Jeno fidgets with his helmet. But wouldn’t it be weird?

Why would it be? His mind retaliates. It’s a friend helping out a friend.

That’s right, but I’m still not sure.

Just do it.

But…

It would only be weird if you’re overthinking it.

I don’t even know if I should really be here—

“Can I stay at yours?”

And there, Renjun finally voices his thoughts. Like fate has had enough of his incredulous tiptoeing. Renjun looks at him hopefully, and Jeno’s heart launches from his chest up to his throat, rendering him speechless.

Renjun tilts his head, smiling sheepishly when Jeno doesn’t reply. “Sorry… I don’t know where else to stay. But it’s okay if you have plans, you can drop me to a café—”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Jeno quickly says, finally finding his voice. He returns the smile and settles on the motorcycle, gesturing towards the space behind him. “Hop on.”

The wind is harsh whenever it brushes his skin, the sound of the advancing traffic is loud in every corner he takes a turn to, the lights from the stoplights and lamp posts are more bothersome than the darkness of the night sky, and yet Jeno can’t seem to be troubled by them. All his sense of focus is trained on the presence leaning on his back and the fact that it won’t be leaving anytime soon.

Once they reach the apartment, Jeno tries to get Renjun to wait in the hall while he tidies up his stuff. He isn’t really expecting this scenario to happen, so he left his apartment the same way he always does—cluttered. Despite his best efforts, Renjun barges in anyway and helps him in making the space look presentable in the end.

Renjun even writes down a list of things Jeno should buy tomorrow when he goes grocery shopping after a thorough inspection of his apartment; dishwashing soap, coffee creamer, new cases for the throw pillows, a loaf of wheat bread, disinfectant spray, and for no reason other than Renjun wanting Jeno to try it because he likes them, a scented candle. When Jeno offhandedly mentions that he’ll buy some new curtains next month, Renjun makes him promise to take him so he can help Jeno pick out a design. Jeno tries so hard to push the domesticity of it all from his mind, but he finds himself failing once Renjun emerges from his bathroom wearing his clothes and looking very comfortable despite them being two sizes bigger.

“Are you sleepy already?” Renjun asks him, making his way to the table..

“Not really,” Jeno replies, trying not to think about how small Renjun looks in his shirt. “Why?”

“I’m not sleepy either,” Renjun sighs, letting his chin rest on his hand. He looks at the table he just polished and uses his other hand to dust it a little more. “My body woke up after all that cleaning. Do you have a movie we can watch?”

Jeno nods, gesturing to the television by the sitting area. “I have a Netflix subscription.”

Renjun beams and immediately rushes to the couch. “Great! Come on, let’s find something.”

They end up quickly choosing a Western horror film from a popular franchise. Jeno adjusts the volume so that his neighbors won’t file a complaint against him if the sound effects get too loud before joining Renjun on the couch. They’re now sitting on opposite ends, but the certainty of having company makes up for the space in between.

It turns out that the movie they chose is actually one that Renjun has seen already. The guy only reveals this once the credits start rolling on the screen, claiming that he wants to be prepared with the scenes so he doesn’t embarrass himself. Jeno laughs this out and tells him it’s okay, although he’s glad when Renjun promised him that the next movie they watch will be something he hasn’t seen before. Maybe it’s the prospect of Renjun pretending to look composed when he’s actually rattled, or maybe it’s the promise of a next time that leaves Jeno smiling as he packs things up.

“You take the bed,” Jeno immediately says before Renjun can insist on something else. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

As expected, Renjun disagrees just as quickly. “What? No, I’m the guest so I should be the one crashing on your couch. You take your bed.”

“Nope,” Jeno says. Before Renjun can speak again, he quickly places his entire body on the couch, his feet poking Renjun’s back until Renjun is forced to stand up. “It’s either the floor or the bed. Take your pick.”

Renjun huffs and rolls his eyes. “Fine, play it that way,” he grumbles before he stomps towards Jeno’s bedroom.

Jeno is mildly surprised at the reaction. He thought Renjun would be more stubborn about it, but ultimately he’s just glad that they didn’t have to bicker about the arrangements. He supposes Renjun is too tired to argue with him as well.

Just as he’s about to condition his mind to sleep, he hears footsteps coming back to the sitting room accompanied by the sound of something being dragged on the floor.

“What’s that s— what the fuck?”

Of course, of course, Renjun would pull something like this. He’s dragging the spare futon he helped push under Jeno’s bed just a while ago right in front of the couch. To be honest, Jeno thought of just using that and sleeping right beside the bed, but it somehow feels intimate. He’d be good with it, but Renjun might find it weird.

“Floor or bed, you said,” Renjun says smugly as he tosses the blanket from Jeno’s bed towards him. “I’ll be here on the floor then.”

Apparently, Renjun is good with it too.

Still, as a last attempt to preserve all rational thought, Jeno says, “The bed is more comfortable.”

“If you think I’m sleeping alone after watching that devil movie again, then you’re wrong,” Renjun scoffs, fixing the futon. He then lies down and uses the futon’s cover as his blanket. “Good night.”

The finality is present in his tone. Renjun makes a show of shutting his eyes and pursing his lips, which makes Jeno laugh a little bit. After a few seconds, Renjun’s features relax and his breathing starts to even out, indicating that he has dozed off already.

If you told Jeno weeks or months ago that he would be in this situation where he’s allowed to see Renjun up close and keep his company overnight, he wouldn’t believe you. It should be wrong, yet it feels everything but. Like a crooked puzzle piece that isn’t meant to fit but manages to do so.

He shouldn’t be here, Jeno thinks warmly. But I’m glad that he is.

He gets a glimpse of his apartment before smiling to himself and closing his eyes. Just a while ago, it was cluttered and everything was all over the place. Jeno’s not a messy person, he just doesn’t exert time and exert effort to organize. And now, after Renjun’s arrival, with his help, everything seems to fall into place just right.

And it would've been sweet
If it could've been me

The next morning, Jeno drops Renjun to their apartment where Renjun insists that he stays for breakfast. He sits Jeno down on the couch and promises to prepare something for him after Renjun empties his bowel. Jeno laughs as Renjun dashes to what seems to be the bathroom at the same time that Jaemin emerges into the living room, looking amused (as always) at the situation.

“Heard you had a fun night,” Jeno gives him a teasing smile.

Jaemin is unfazed. “Look who’s talking. Renjun spent the night at your apartment?”

“Yes, but nothing happened,” Jeno immediately tells him before Jaemin jumps into any conclusions.

Jaemin scoffs and plops down on the pink bean bag across Jeno. He gives Jeno a mischievous smile that can easily be translated as you’re not fooling me.

There’s silence, and neither of them have to voice out whatever it is they’re thinking to let the other understand. From Jaemin’s concerned gaze alone, Jeno already receives several messages, all seeming like answers to the questions and worries his mind has been conjuring.

He’s practically an open book at this point. He briefly wonders if Renjun has picked up on his behavior already.

Knowing what it is Jaemin is trying to tell him through his eyes, Jeno lets out a defeated sigh.

“I’m not Donghyuck,” Jeno says quietly, afraid that Renjun might hear. Afraid that the rest of the world might hear. It’s a thought that’s meant to stay inside his mind only, because he knows the magnitude of the consequences of voicing it out.

Jaemin scoffs. “Of course you’re not.”

“Donghyuck is Renjun’s…” Jeno trails, unable to find a word. Maybe it’s there, but he deliberately skips over it.

“Best friend,” Jaemin finishes for him. “Soulmate. Other half. Their bond is something you can’t really replace.”

Don’t you think I know that? Jeno wants to bite back. Every thought of his that’s being voiced out feels like a jab to his heart.

“There’s no one else like Donghyuck, that’s true,” Jaemin adds, further adding salt to the wound. “But I don’t see how that’s a problem.”

Jeno groans in exasperation. “What the hell are you talking about?”

They hear the bathroom door open, and soon enough, Renjun emerges from it. When he sees Jeno still on the couch, he sends him a big, warm smile that Jeno can’t help but return.

Jaemin grins as he nods towards Renjun’s approaching figure. “You don’t have to be Donghyuck to love him,” he says as he stands up. He winks at Jeno before finally adding, “Renjun would rather that you just be you.”

I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?

“I can’t help but feel stupid,” Renjun once told him. He was sitting on one of the chairs by the pharmacy’s customer area, waiting for Jeno to finish closing up the store. “I feel like this is all my fault.”

Renjun just finished helping Donghyuck find a tux to wear to the wedding, and the emotional toll it took from him drove him to barge in the pharmacy after the errand and convince Jeno to drink with him.

“It’s not your fault,” Jeno reassured him, and he meant it. Renjun couldn’t have known what would happen, and it’s not like Renjun had control over Donghyuck’s heart. It was just… really not meant to happen. “Although that doesn’t make the pain you’re feeling not valid.”

Renjun sighed and slouched by the chair, eyes casted upward. Even so, Jeno could see how sore they were. He probably cried on the way here.

Every time Jeno saw Renjun like this, he felt like he too was heartbroken. He didn’t know Donghyuck the way Renjun did, didn’t see him the way Renjun did, didn’t love him the way Renjun did, but looking at Renjun right now with all his defenses down and his heart out in the open, Jeno felt like his heart is being ripped out of his chest too.

“There are so many what if’s…” Renjun trailed in a faraway voice, like you can no longer reach him even though his physical presence is close. “Most of them all coming down to what if I just fucking told him I love him…”

Jeno remained silent as he rearranged the medicine boxes on the shelves, noting the present tense that Renjun used.

“That’s why I think it’s my fault,” Renjun laughed hollowly again. It sounded both empty and broken, every emotion spilling uncontrollably to the floor. “I’m in this situation because of me. I was a coward who stood by and because of that, I’m still stuck.”

Renjun slowly stood up and started to pace around the empty store. Jeno’s eyes followed his steps, mostly to make sure that the guy was balanced on two feet given his current state.

“Time slipped away a little too early,” Renjun whispered the words, but the magnitude of its message reverberated in the entire place. “Now I ran out of it.”

Jeno didn’t know what else to say in times like these. He had never been in Renjun’s situation before, and even if he were in one that was remotely close to this, he still wouldn’t completely understand what Renjun is feeling. 

Because ever since they first met, he knew the love Renjun had for Donghyuck was one of a kind. It was Renjun and Renjun’s only, and only he knew how it felt.

Perhaps that was the case with everyone. People have spent years trying to characterize and objectively describe what love truly is, when in reality, it’s different for every person who loves, and unique for every person they love. No two loves are the same.

“I’m sorry,” was all Jeno could offer. He did not know the pain Renjun was going through at that time, but he knew that it hurt him greatly.

Renjun only smiled sadly, still not looking at him. “A price I have to pay for my cowardice. I guess if only I were braver… if only I said something… if one thing had been different… then things probably would’ve gone in another way. A ripple effect, maybe, but now we’ll never know because time has already slipped away.”

Silence overtook the air again. It felt heavy to both his skin and his heart.

Trying to console Renjun, Jeno offered, “Maybe things were different for the better.”

As expected, Renjun only scoffed. “That’s what I kept telling myself. Everything happens for a reason, they say. So I guess everything doesn’t happen for a reason as well. But if it were really different for the better, then it doesn’t feel that way yet. I’m finding that hard to believe.“

Jeno nodded. He didn’t expect Renjun to think like that yet. He was still breaking .

“Give it time,” Jeno said. “It’ll come soon.”

He only realized how stupid it sounded as soon as the words left his mouth. Jeno was already composing a follow up to his statement so he won’t annoy Renjun, but he stopped once he saw Renjun give him the most genuine smile he had ever since he arrived. It may be small, but it was sincere.

If he were being honest, Jeno expected Renjun to scoff and roll his eyes. However all Renjun did was smile at him, and even though it was for a split second, Jeno saw a glimmer of something in Renjun’s defeated, weary eyes.

“Yeah,” Renjun said quietly, but even then his voice was still full of pain. This time, though, with a little more heart. “I hope so.”

But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

“I think this is too beige for your wall,” Renjun comments as he observes the linen Jeno is holding. “Yeah, that won’t do.”

True to his word, Renjun accompanies Jeno in his curtain shopping agenda, hence why they’re currently browsing in the home section of the department store. Usually, Jeno would forget to do stuff like this and he would end up doing them later than his pre-planned schedule, but Renjun promising to keep him company is practically on his mind everyday.

Jeno shrugs and puts the linen back. “Okay. You’re the expert.”

They move to another shelf that contains patterned blinds this time. Jeno is quietly enjoying the silence when Renjun decides to speak and break it.

“By the way, I’m thinking of quitting work,” Renjun says offhandedly, like that isn’t a big deal. “Had this thought already the past few months—well, you probably knew about it because Donghyuck said you saw me breaking down about it—but yeah, I think I’m actually going to go through with it.”

There’s a lot of things to unpack in that statement. Jeno knows that Renjun’s work has been taking quite the toll on him even though he doesn’t voice it out a lot, and he’s often wondering when will be the time that Renjun would have had enough. Jeno probably won’t get to drive him and invite him for lunch anymore, but Renjun’s well-being is far more important than any of those, so he’s glad.

This is the first time that he mentioned Jeno's encounter with Donghyuck (and a sleeping Renjun),  though. Jeno has tried so hard to keep it out of his mind, and maybe that trick actually worked. He thought Donghyuck didn’t tell Renjun about it because Renjun never really brought it up, but perhaps Renjun didn’t really need to. It’s not really that important.

He feels himself flush though at the realization that Renjun knows Jeno came for him that night.

“I’ve been sending out CVs already,” Renjun continues as he runs his fingers through a checkered pattern. “And I already got a few positive responses, so that’s something.”

“That’s great,” Jeno says sincerely. “Your old boss has given you nothing but stress. I’m glad you’re looking for a better place.”

“Yeah…” Renjun trails, his fingers reaching the end of the seam. He pauses there, tentative. “I’m not sure, though.”

Jeno frowns. “Why? You don’t want to leave?”

“Oh, I’m leaving. That’s for sure,” Renjun sighs, still fiddling with the ends. “I’m just also considering the option of going back home.”

“Home?”

“China,” Renjun shrugs, as if saying that isn’t a big deal. “I don’t really want to leave. I see my parents and grandparents at least twice a year anyway, but I don’t know… I don’t have anything there other than my family, but I also don’t know what else I have here… And a headspace might be good…”

Jeno feels his heart lodge on his throat, rendering him speechless. He doesn’t even notice that he’s clutching the curtain blind he’s holding until the seams suddenly feel too rough on his skin. 

“But everything is tentative and it’s just another option I’m considering,” Renjun chuckles with a smile, and Jeno can’t return the gesture no matter how much he tries to and wants to. “My heart’s not set on it, anyway. You’ll never know, I might find a reason to stay…”

And then Renjun goes back to scanning the blinds like he didn’t just drop something that will haunt Jeno for days. 

It’s been more than a year since Jeno first met Renjun, and more than a year since Renjun was integrated into Jeno’s life. For all the times that Jeno counted all the time that passed by, he didn’t notice just how much of it had slipped away already.

He watches as Renjun hums to himself while choosing between two patterns, and everything comes crashing to him all at once. This feeling towards Renjun that Jeno refuses to give a name feels like white noise. It’s always there, but Jeno is too used to it to notice, but sometimes there are times where simple moments like these will slip him back and remember that it’s there all along.

Jeno thinks back to Donghyuck’s wedding, wondering what would’ve happened if he didn’t just simply stay outside, if he actually waited for Renjun to keep him company. He thinks back to the time he attempted to cook mandu from Renjun’s recipe and brought it to his building, wondering what would’ve happened if he stayed and gave the food to Renjun himself. He thinks back to when he, Renjun and Jaemin went to a bar that one night, wondering what would’ve happened if Jeno approached Renjun and asked him to dance or at least kept him company instead of just watching him from the side as Renjun navigated his way through a floor of strangers.

He thinks back to the time Renjun slept over, and how everything he could’ve wondered already happened because Renjun made it so, because Renjun was the one who asked if he could stay at Jeno’s, because Renjun was the one who dragged that futon near the couch so they could sleep in one room.

All along, Jeno thought it was time that’s slipping away. But in reality, it’s the moment that will slip away before time does. It’s the chance that will slip away before time does. And Renjun will slip away before time does.

All this time, Jeno has been holding his breath, waiting for the right time. But when is the right time? Before Renjun leaves? After Renjun leaves? When Renjun is finally miles away and all the missed opportunities will come crashing down to Jeno.

If one thing had been different, then things would have probably gone another way. That’s what Renjun told him when he’s talking about how he regrets not telling Donghyuck about how he felt.

But if that one different thing happened, then Jeno wouldn’t have met Renjun. Then Renjun wouldn’t be across from him right now, helping him buy curtains, for god’s sake.

There’s a reason things are different , Jeno thinks. I am here. And I want to be here.

And so, after holding everything in, he takes the chance.

“Renjun,” Jeno calls his name, and that simple gesture alone feels both intimate and reverent.

Renjun doesn’t skip a beat as he looks at Jeno. “Yeah?”

Jeno doesn’t say anything for a while and only stares at Renjun. It’s such a bizarre situation to place a confession. No grand, romantic gestures, no carefully thought out speech, just two people in the middle of an errand to get by in their daily life.

Renjun looks at him in anticipation, but Jeno can see that he knows what Jeno is already going to say. He has spent far too much time looking into Renjun’s eyes just to try to read his emotions, and this is one of the times where he’s most sure of what he’s seeing. Jeno knows that look in Renjun’s eyes all too well because he sees that in his own eyes.

With that, Jeno lets himself smile and say, “I like you.”

Jeno used to think that admitting that out loud would attract a lot of heavy consequences and uncertainties, which is why he never said it out loud nor dared to explicitly think of it. But now, he feels like there’s a weight lifted off his chest, and his heart can beat easily without having to ache every now and then. He feels relief, like everything is falling into place.

And when Renjun laughs fondly after that and smiles at him the same way, hope replaces the constant dread hovering over him and after a long, long time, Jeno can finally breathe.